Shotgun Wedding
by BrilliantDarkness
Summary: Starting a new life together with a shotgun in your back is never the plan. Warning to any hardline followers of canon relationships...this story eventually will not be for you. If you are at all uncertain, message me.
1. Chapter 1

"You may kiss the bride."

The young man looked at the even younger woman in front of him as she rubbed a hand over the barely noticeable bump in her lower abdomen. Her eyes were wide, frightened like a rabbit being chased. He hesitated. But just as it had through the 'I do's' and the vows, his prodding came in the form of a shotgun barrel nudging into his back.

He glanced around at the faces in the small church. None were familiar and all seemed to be glaring at him. Returning his eyes to the poor, frightened creature before him, he could see the tears beginning to form in her eyes. Leaning forward to press his lips to hers, he just caught the whisper that escaped her.

"I'm sorry."

He kissed her. It was a gentle kiss and the first they had shared. He might not love her but she deserved gentle at the very least. The kiss was shortened by her dissolving into tears. Cody stood up sighing. This was not how he pictured his wedding day.

He looked suspiciously at the men around him and placed an arm protectively around his new wife. It felt strange to think of anyone as his wife but then Cody knew he'd better get used to it. The minister had just pronounced them man and wife.

Her name was Josephine and what her last name might have been before today, he did not know but it was Cody now. Cody had heard some of the others call her Josie but they hadn't exchanged even enough pleasantries for him to know if that was a preferred nickname or what. They had only met once before and it wasn't the type of meeting that could have caused that bump in her belly.

It had been a few months earlier when he had last been through town so the timing would have been right. That was probably about when she became in a family way. The place had seemed friendly enough at the time, friendlier than it had today at any rate. There had been some festival going on then and Cody had found himself face to face with this same freckled girl. She had made the peach cobbler he was enjoying—at least he knew she was a good cook, which was a serious consideration for him—and he had told her how much he really liked the cobbler. She gave him a smile that made him wish he had time enough to at least take a walk with her and maybe try to steal a kiss. That time didn't exist that day and he had ridden away. In fact, he hadn't even caught her name. It was hard to miss today though as he had uttered the words "I William take you Josephine."

As he led her out of the church, Cody could feel the fear rolling off of her in waves. He knew some of her fear was of him but he couldn't shake the thought of how bad her situation must be that it was preferable to wed herself to a man she'd met a few moments months before. His determination to protect her solidified. William Cody was many things. He knew his friends would point out that he was a joker and that he ate too much but he was also a man of honor and whether he understood the situation or not, he would not leave a woman in peril. And he had sworn in front of God and a congregation of angry folks to care for this woman. Cody would take those vows seriously. He might not love her or even really know her but in a rather unconventional way she had asked for his help and he would give it.

They made it out of the church and Cody saw his horse being brought around along with one for Josephine.

"Are you sure you're alright to ride?" he asked softly and she nodded never raising her eyes.

So Cody walked her to her horse and made sure she made it onto the saddle safely before he mounted his own horse and nodded to her to follow him. There had, at first been discussion or really a near threatening suggestion that he stay there but he convinced the man he figured to be her pa and the others to let him take Josephine with him. He had a job, he reasoned, and people who'd come looking for him. At the very least he had to go back and tell everyone what had happened but then he turned on what little of his charm hadn't evaporated at gunpoint and told them how it would be nice to start off in their own little place and he could take care of her. It worked and he was glad. The terror in her eyes at thinking she would have to stay was enough to convince him that she needed to leave this town. And he really did need to at least notify Teaspoon, Rachel and the boys that he wouldn't be coming back if that had been the case. It felt good to have the town at his back even if part of it was following him home.

Once he knew he could turn around and only see the faint outline of that town he stopped his horse and turned to Josephine. Her reddish hair trailed over her shoulders and her head was down as far as she could look and still direct the horse behind his own. He waited for her to come alongside him but she didn't. She halted her own mount a few feet behind him.

"Why don't you ride alongside me?" he asked.

She nudged her horse and allowed it to take the few steps needed to catch up to him.

"You can look me in the eye too," he said gently, "I ain't going to hurt you."

She lifted her eyes but then they darted away again so quickly and he could see her fighting to not cry.

"I thought maybe we should stop and at least get some introductions out of the way," he went on trying for his normal jovial tone.

"I'm sorry, William," she said as the tears began to fall. He reached a gloved hand and wiped away a few of the tears.

"Now right there is what I mean," he told her keeping his voice as light as he could, "My name's William but most folks call me Bill or Billy. My ma calls me Willie and the rest of my family calls me Will. And the guys I work with just call me Cody. Now you can pick any one of those that tickles your fancy but William is awful formal."

He paused and watched her as she dared another glance to him. Her lips pressed together in something almost resembling a smile and she nodded.

"Now," he continued, "I know your name is Josephine and I heard some in the town call you Josie and even one or two call you Jo. Unless you tell me, I won't know what you'd like best. Of course I could just call you darlin' but I ain't sure we know each other quite that well or even if you'd like that very much at all."

"Josie," she whispered and it was almost lost in the breeze but Cody caught it all the same.

"Alright then, Josie," he said smiling, "Now I feel like we're at least friends." He took a breath and note of her grateful expression. "Here's the plan. It's going to take a couple days to get to Sweetwater at the rate we're going and I don't want you riding as hard as I usually do. The guys won't be worrying too bad so I think we'll be fine. I ain't up for another ride for a few days and I ain't bringing anything in. I stay in the saddle for a pretty long stretch so if you need to take a break to rest or, well, just to take a break, you let me know. Don't be shy neither. I don't mind stopping and I don't want you overdoing."

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"You're my wife," he said simply and while it was strange and he had thought to have a few more years as a free-wheeling bachelor, he sort of liked the sound of it. "It ain't how I ever figured to get a wife but I don't give my word lightly. Are you okay to ride for a while?"

She nodded and they moved on. Cody couldn't handle the quiet for very long though. He wasn't quiet when he was riding alone. He would sing to himself or talk to the horse. Having an actual person alongside and not talking felt unnatural. He looked over at Josie and saw her studying the area around them.

"So Josie," he began and wasn't even sure what to ask her but he had to say something. "Who were those other guys? I figured your pa was the one shoving the shotgun in my back but I didn't quite get who them others was."

Cody had ridden in earlier that day and thought nothing of anything in the town until he heard a woman holler, "Him!" and he really didn't take note of that until three burly guys dragged him off his horse.

He'd found himself facing an angry looking man with a gun in one hand and dragging a girl by her upper arm with the other.

"You sure this is the fella?"

The girl, Josie as it had turned out, merely nodded, not even daring to meet his eyes.

"My brothers," Josie now said softly. "They didn't hurt you, did they?"

Cody shook his head ignoring his sore ribs that came when he had denied having anything to do with how Josie got in a family way.

"No, they didn't hurt me at all," he said amiably.

It got quiet again. Cody couldn't for the life of him think of anything to say to her and Josie was offering little by way of conversation, actually she was offering nothing at all. But then after a while she broke the silence.

"Bill," she said tentatively and Cody looked over to her in question. "I need to stop, please."

He nodded and took note of how uncomfortable she looked. He saw a stand of trees up ahead and gestured that they could stop there. Somehow he thought that she might need to make water and the trees would allow her some privacy. Once stopped, he jumped down and hurried to help Josie from her horse.

"That's not necessary," she said once her feet landed on the ground.

"Maybe not," he said, "But I feel better about it."

Cody pointed to the trees but didn't say a word for fear of embarrassing Josie. They might be married but he never knew a woman who wanted to talk much about her necessary functions. Even Lou kept such things to herself. Josie nodded and Cody figured his guess had been right about why she needed to stop for a bit. When she re-emerged from the trees she looked sheepish.

"It seems like I have to do that all the time now," she said rubbing her belly.

Cody took another look at the sky and made up his mind.

"I hate to do this to you, Josie," he began, "But the sun's getting low and we ain't going to make a town before it's down by quite a bit. We could push on, I suppose. But I really think it might be better to make a camp here tonight."

"If you think that's best," Josie said meekly and it concerned Cody because even though he had not seen it from her, he doubted that meek was a normal state for her to be in.

"I do," he told her decisively and set to getting things settled for them but he soon saw Josie working right alongside him collecting wood and trying to make something for them to eat.

"You could rest," he offered but she shook her head.

"I've caused so much trouble for you," she replied fighting to keep her emotions in check. "You shouldn't have to make your own supper too. You have a wife and I need to act like it."

There was something in her demeanor that informed him she wasn't only referring to cooking for him with her words. It would probably surprise those who knew him and if he said this aloud, he would be accused of dishonesty for sure but up until that moment he hadn't even considered what typically happens on a wedding night. He'd shared the company of a woman before and he enjoyed it as he figured most men did but Josie wasn't some sporting girl and the fact that she had been with someone to make a baby didn't change that. He actually hadn't even taken the time to really look at her.

Now that he did he found what he saw to be pleasing. She had red hair and he recalled from the church that afternoon that her eyes were blue. They were a darker blue than his, perhaps closer to Kid's eye color. A spray of freckles dotted her nose and cheeks and when she offered it, her smile was sunny and warm. He knew he wasn't seeing her at her best but she was a pretty enough girl, he thought. While she cooked, a peaceful look overtook her and Cody found that even more pleasing. If he could get her to calm down and stop being so frightened of him then she would be quite pretty indeed. Her eyes lifted to his and he knew he didn't have a look that he would normally offer to a girl he found fetching but maybe that was good since she was so skittish and whatever look he was giving her was enough to conjure a smile from her.

"Supper's ready," she said softly, "I'm a good cook when I have more to work with. Least that's what the boys always said."

"Boys?"

"Clem, Zeke and Larry," she explained, "My brothers. They didn't have much nice to say to me until suppertime but then they fawned over what I would cook. I guess you can see none of them got skinny on my vittles."

She seemed to be rattling on nervously and Cody felt the need to rescue her.

"Well, I already know you can make a damned fine peach cobbler," he said and Josie seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. "I'm sure this'll be just fine. I never expect too much when I'm on a ride."

He sat down to eat and the quiet settled between them again.

"This is real good, Josie," he noted, "Rachel will be glad, I think, to have another female around."

"Who's Rachel?"

"Well, I guess I'd better prepare you for who you'll meet," he replied and then launched into a brief explanation of everyone at the station. When he finished he placed a hand over hers. "Don't worry if you don't remember all the names at first. The guys are pretty good that way."

The food was finished and Cody went and got their bedrolls. He noticed that Josie looked very uncomfortable when she came back from the trees where she had obviously had to take care of her personal business again. He nodded for her to sit next to him and, for the time being, forgot the bedrolls.

"I think we need to talk about some things, Josie," he said and wished they didn't have to. He was used to being the one who always had something to say, who could at least convince others that he always knew what to do but right then he was not even remotely sure of himself. Cody knew he couldn't even effectively fake it.

"See, the thing is," he began, "I know what usually happens on a wedding night and I can tell you do too. But I can also tell that you maybe don't really want to do that and I ain't so sure it's the right thing either. I care for you some and I think you're real pretty but that don't make it right, I don't think. The other guys might be surprised to hear me say this but unless it's your profession, I ain't too interested in being with a woman I ain't in love with and I frankly don't know you enough to be in love."

"You don't want me?" she asked and Cody couldn't even figure what she was afraid of but she was afraid of something. That much was sure.

"I don't even know what I want but making you more uncomfortable ain't it," he told her, "You don't really want to be doing that with some guy you don't hardly know, now do you?"

"I'm your wife," she whispered, "It don't matter what I want."

"I think it matters very much what you want."

"I know you didn't want this and I know you got forced into it," she blurted out and began crying, "It's all my fault too. I lied and I don't even have to tell you that because you know I lied. You knew I was lying all along. This ain't your babe and you know that too. But I'll be a good wife to you. I'll cook for you and I'll keep a nice house and anything else you want from me. I will. I promise. You can start tonight. It's okay. You know I ain't pure or nothing."

"That shouldn't matter," he responded, "You still deserve to get treated nice. You had your reasons for lying and I don't think you're ready to tell me what they are but they must have been good reasons if you were willing to get yourself hitched to a man you only met once for a few minutes. Must be your other choices was even worse. You don't know a thing about me. For all you knew I could've been cruel and someone who would hit you or something. I ain't. You'll understand that in time. I can't hurt a woman. I might not've made that baby but it's mine all the same now. We'll raise him up together. Somehow I think we'll be fine but we don't have to be fine all to once and things don't have to happen tonight."

"I remembered you," she said quietly, "When you was in town before and said such nice things about my cobbler. When I saw you I thought…I just knew you could be gentle and if I had to be married to someone I thought I'd sure like to be married to someone who could be gentle. I'm sorry. You being kind is more a reason to not do something like this to you. I was selfish."

"No. You're scared. I don't know what of but I hope it ain't me. You don't need to fear me. And I ain't going to let anyone else hurt you neither."

"If you think anyone's going to come looking for me, you don't need to worry," she assured him stiffly, "It ain't like there's someone out there madly in love with me wanting to raise up this baby. He wouldn't come for me. And I wouldn't want him to either."

"So the father wasn't a sweetheart of yours?"

She shook her head.

"I ain't never had a sweetheart," she said dipping her head.

"So some man just…just…took you?" Cody fumed jumping to his feet and beginning to pace.

"It didn't exactly happen like that either."

He stopped his frantic pacing and looked at her.

"Then how did it happen?" he asked, "Who fathered this child?"

"I can't say," she replied, "I'm sorry."

"You can't say 'cause you don't know or some other reason?"

"I know who the father is," she asserted and acted a little indignant and nearly angry.

"I didn't mean no offense," he grumbled, "But I'm starting to take some. I ain't asking a hell of a lot from you, Josie. I ain't asking for your body. I ain't asking for you to be some perfect wife. I don't need or want any more apologies from you. But I will say you owe me one thing right now. I ain't going to hurt you but we sure ain't going to start our marriage off any kind of happy without you giving me the truth. I think you owe me that."

"I-I can't," she stammered, "You'll hate me even worse than you already do."

"I don't hate you," Cody said sounding exasperated, "I know you're scared of something but if he ain't going to come after you then I don't see why you can't tell me what happened and how you came to be expecting."

"He said he'd kill me if I ever told anyone," she whispered, her voice shaking.

* * *

**Oh don't even start with me about how I am neglecting other stories and then starting new ones...I know! But I will finish the others too...and this wasn't my fault (gee, ever heard that before?)! See there was this writing workshop I was doing and it was about different kisses and writing just the kiss itself to set a mood...there are different kinds of kisses, you know...and then I was looking through some pictures of Josh Brolin (anyone blame me?) and I found a pic from his first marriage (to Kathleen Devlin!) and he was holding his son in his arms...so yeah figured shotgun might've been involved in that wedding and one of the categories for a kiss was discomfort and the opening scene here was written...what was I supposed to do?**

**Anyway, this will take many twists and turns before it is done and it is all mapped out...-J**


	2. Chapter 2

"Kill you?" Cody asked incredulously, "You're carrying his child. He'd be killing his own flesh and blood too."

Josie only nodded looking at the dirt in front of her.

"Well you're _my _wife and ain't nobody going to kill my wife," he told her firmly as he crouched in front of her taking her hands in his. "Who is he? You don't got to protect him no more and I'll see to protecting you and the baby."

"M-Mr. Howell. He runs the bank," Josie replied softly. She had been terrified to say his name out loud or tell anyone for so long and it felt good to not keep the secret anymore—so good that her tears renewed in relief. She could barely continue speaking through the flood of emotion.

Cody moved and sat next to her looping his arm around her shoulders. He pulled her tighter to him.

"You're safe now, Josie," he reminded her gently, "He can't hurt you now. Tell me what happened."

"I can't," she said shaking her head almost violently, "You'll think…I don't even know exactly what you'll think. I'm sure you ain't got a high opinion of me now but if I told…you'd think-"

"I won't think nothing bad," he assured her, "I don't think ill of you now. You're scared. I can see that and you asked in an unusual way but I think you telling your pa that I'm the one who got you in this fix was your way of asking for help. I want to help you Josie, I do. But I can't if you ain't straight with me. I ain't asking much of you, just the truth. I think I'm entitled to that. Besides, I'm your husband. We're married now. You're supposed to be able to talk to me."

"Well," she began timidly but grew more confident with the tender look in his eyes. He was right; he deserved the truth even if it labeled her a whore or worse. She couldn't keep secrets from her husband and as strange as it felt to her to have one of those, that is what this man was. She could have done worse, she supposed. He had been sweet to her so far and he was very nice to look at. Perhaps she would even fall in love with him although it was too much to ask that he love her.

"Well, the farm wasn't doing too good and Pa went to the bank to borrow money. I know it ain't right to question being a girl and all but I think he borrowed more'n what we needed. I guess the amount don't matter though 'cause Pa and the boys was drinking near to every cent we made. There wasn't hardly nothing to pay back the loan and they took it out against the farm. I went to see Mr. Howell. Pa said he'd be more likely to take pity on a girl. Mr. Howell was about to kick us out and take the land. I gave him all the money I had been able to keep away from Pa and my brothers but it wasn't near enough. He told me maybe he could give me more time if I did something for him. He gave another week and I got together what money I could and every week it still wasn't enough but he'd give me more time if I…well…I guess you probably know what I had to do. I couldn't tell no one or he'd take the farm and when I told him I'd took with child he said I better find a way to get rid of it or come up with some other story. If anyone had found out the truth, he would've killed me…baby and all."

Her voice trailed away and was lost in her sadness and fear. Cody was seething mad.

"You didn't have much choice, did you?" he asked, "I got some ugly thoughts right now, Josie, but you ain't got to worry. None of 'em are about you. It ain't right what he done."

"But I let him-"

"He forced you," Cody argued, "I can see that. He forced you just the same as if he grabbed you in an alley. He didn't even want the baby?"

"His wife wouldn't, I'm sure."

Cody nodded his understanding.

"You and the little one don't need to worry now," he said, "I won't let nothing happen to either of you."

"You don't have to be so nice to me. I know what I am. I don't deserve no one nice like you."

"I don't know _what _you think you are but I know _who_ you are. You're Josephine Cody and I'll take care of any woman what takes my name."

"It ain't like you love me or nothing," she said thinking that maybe it would be nice if he did.

"Maybe not but I kind of like you and I figure maybe I'd get to love you in time," he offered along with a broad smile, "Now let's see about getting us some sleep."

He laid out their bedrolls and began to situate himself as he heard Josie do the same as she tried to get comfortable on the ground. He felt terrible that this was her wedding night. Perhaps sometime he would be able to make it up to her. He could maybe take her to a city where they could stay in a hotel with soft mattresses and warm, thick quilts and restaurants where she could be waited on. He laid on his back staring at the dots of light in the crystal clear night sky and pondered on the changes in his life. When he'd rested his head the night before, he had been a single man trying to decide whether he should ask Hazel Cummings or Laura Willows to the upcoming dance. His choice was now made for him as he would be taking his wife, Mrs. Cody—Josie. He tried to think about how he felt about all of this and thought he ought to maybe be upset but he wasn't. She was a nice girl as far as he could figure and even if she could cook nothing else but peach cobbler, he was pretty sure he could live on that and not get skinny. She was pretty enough. He thought what it might be like to be someone's pa. It was a strange thought. He had always thought that someday he would have a wife and children and while this was an earlier start than he expected, he wasn't upset or even frightened. He was actually kind of excited at the thought of the baby. It wasn't his but it would be. He cared not that he didn't make the child with her. His thoughts were interrupted by a soft voice.

"Bill? Are you still awake?" she whispered.

"Yeah Josie, I am. Are you okay? Do you need something? Can I get you something? Are you feeling poorly?"

"I'm scared," she said softly, "I ain't never slept outside before."

"Would it help if I moved closer?" he asked sort of hoping she'd say yes.

"If I ain't asking too much."

Cody got up and moved his blankets closer to her. He reached and touched her shoulder and she was trembling but then relaxed under his touch.

"I could even hold you if you'd like," he offered and when she voiced no objections, he scooted even closer and wrapped his arms around her.

"Is that better?" he asked and felt her nod against him. "Yeah I think so too. Good night, Josie."

"Good night, Bill."

Cody felt compelled to kiss the top of her head. He delighted in the light cooing sigh that escaped her at the kiss. His mind went to how long it would be before he was home again. He needed to talk to Teaspoon something awful. His mind was full of questions but then he was so tired and it felt good to have her in his arms and know she was safe. He was protecting this woman who had so desperately needed his help.

Josie was having a wonderful dream. In it she was holding a tightly wrapped baby and humming a soft tune as she rocked the babe. The room she sat in was clean and cheerful. The sun shone through white lace curtains and illuminated the space revealing soft colored walls, a bed with a heavy and lovingly crafted quilt and heavy oaken furniture including a dressing table the likes of which she had only ever dreamed of having. On it rested a silver comb and brush and hand mirror next to a vase of fresh picked wild flowers. Next to her was a cradle with crocheted blankets in pristine white just waiting for the babe in her arms to fall asleep. She was safe and happy and so was her baby.

She woke to the same safe feeling as she felt Bill's arms around her. They demanded nothing and offered protection and tenderness to her. It was a nice feeling but she could also feel her full bladder telling her that she needed to leave those safe arms.

She felt him stir when she moved to extricate herself from his arms. Bill—her husband she thought almost giddily—smiled at her. His smile made her heart skip a beat. He was a handsome man to be sure and he was so very gentle to her. Josie wasn't sure how she managed to get so lucky when her circumstances had been so desperate but it was probably best not to question it. Still she found his smile in the light of the new day did a lot to quell her fears from the night before.

"Good morning," he said, "Did you sleep well?"

"Yes. Thank you."

They got up and got around to get moving for another day of riding toward Sweetwater. Soon they were back on the trail.

Cody once again could not stand the silence but at least Josie was riding alongside him instead of behind. He also noticed that she was looking up and around and even offered him a smile if she happened to notice him looking at her.

Josie looked over to Bill as often as she dared while they rode. A few times she even thought to speak but then wasn't sure what to say. It startled her a little when Bill began to sing. It was a song she knew—Jeannie with the Light Brown Hair—so she joined in. Bill stopped as if surprised for a moment but then continued singing with even more gusto. Josie couldn't help but laugh. It felt good. She couldn't remember when she had last laughed or sang.

They continued on that way a while and stopped for lunch.

"We're making better time than I anticipated," Cody observed as Josie dug through the saddle bags to find them something to eat. "Are you sure you ain't pushing yourself too hard."

"I ain't big yet," Josie replied, "I'm barely showing. Doc said I could ride as long as I felt comfortable doing it. Said I wasn't likely to hurt the baby this early. I love to ride. It was my only free time."

She looked down ashamed of the thought.

"I know what you mean," he said, "It's a good thing to do when you got worries or when you just get too much of people. Don't get me wrong, I love the guys I ride with like they was brothers but sometimes I get tired of being the guy they expect. It's nice to just get on a horse and get the wind going through my hair. I figure the other guys and Lou feel the same."

Josie was stunned. He understood exactly. She couldn't have said it better.

"What are they going to think of me?" she asked suddenly worried, "Are they going to think I am some harlot? Are they going to hate me for trapping you into this?"

She sounded panicked. But Cody offered a reassuring chuckle.

"They'll probably be angry with me and jump to the conclusion that I really did cause your troubles. I talk a good game and sometimes I think they even believe it but I wouldn't…not with a nice girl like you. You are a nice girl, you know."

Josie blushed at the compliment. Maybe that wouldn't have meant so much to other girls but a nice girl wasn't something she often was called. But she had still been pure when Mr. Howell had first offered his arrangement. That might've surprised the town. Coming from a poor family with no ma and drunken brothers and pa, they all figured she was loose or lacked morals.

"I don't need to worry until tomorrow though, now do I?" she asked.

"Actually, that was my point," he told her, "I thought we'd make Sweetwater tomorrow morning but I think if we keep the pace we've had, we'll be there before Rachel gets supper on the table."

"I can't meet them looking like this!" she cried. "I'm a mess. My hair is all over and I slept in these clothes and I'm covered in trail dust. They'll for sure think the worst of me."

"Come here," he said gently as he pulled her into a hug, "It's okay. These ain't the type to go judging books by their covers and besides, there's a place just before we get to the station where you can wash your face and change your clothes. Maybe even comb your hair if you've a mind. I'm sure we can take a little break there and you'll feel better about meeting them."

"They won't hate me?"

"I guarantee they won't hate you," he said, "They ain't like that."

They rode on and kept their previous pace as they sang every song they knew. Cody pulled up on the reins next to a small pond.

"The water's clean," he said gesturing to the pond, "The bushes over there will give you some cover so you can change your clothes. I won't look. I don't think we know each other well enough to change in front of me, as strange as that might sound."

"Thank you, Bill," she said, "I guess we'll have to get past that at some point."

"When you're ready," he answered, "You been pressured once and I won't do that to you again. I'll stand watch and make sure no one interrupts you. You take the time you need."

Cody did just that. He stood with his back to where Josie was changing and watched the trail. He thought of how they might handle that night. They couldn't stay in the bunkhouse and it would be strange and maybe unseemly for him to sleep in the bunkhouse with the other guys while Josie, his wife, slept inside Rachel's house. Of course, Rachel might not want the both of them in the house. She had been willing to move Lou in but it's not like Kid and Lou both were moving in. Still he knew eventually they would share a bed and it excited him a little but then made him nervous as well. He wouldn't ever admit that part.

"I guess I'm as ready as I am going to get," he heard from behind him. He turned and knew his mouth fell open.

She stood before him with her eyebrows raised in uncertainty. She had changed dresses and while the dress wasn't fancy, it was clean and the pink of the calico's background seemed to set off her blue eyes. She had brushed her hair out so that it shone in the late afternoon sun. She had some pulled off her face with a pink ribbon while the rest hung loose catching the light.

"Do I look okay?" she asked starting to sound worried. Cody snapped his mouth shut almost audibly and nodded stupidly at her trying to find his voice.

"You look real nice," he finally managed. "I guess I could see you was a pretty enough gal before but I'll say I'm right proud to introduce you as my wife, Josie."

She beamed at him and he couldn't help the smile that over took him when he noticed her dimples forming and the way her nose crinkled under the little spray of freckles.

"I don't suppose I could be so bold as to ask for a kiss?"

"You are my husband," she reminded him, "I don't even think you need to ask."

"I do need to ask," he whispered as he lowered his head to hers, "Pretty girls should be asked."

His words as much as the tender warmth of his lips on hers made her stomach flutter. She wasn't sure this was love but maybe it could be. When the kiss ended he shot her another smile that nearly made her swoon.

"Shall we go and meet the family?" he asked and she nodded and allowed him to help her onto her horse.

* * *

**Sorry this took so long but I had kind of a crap week. I was dealing with a lot of stuff...but today was my birthday and my family mostly let me alone to write so I got to finally finish this chapter. Poor sweet Josie...she's been through a lot. I was surprised Cody has handled everything so well but then he's more together than even I give him credit for. Besides, he can fall apart when he's talking to Teaspoon...Josie needs him to keep it together. Love you all, my little dears...and I need to thank my gals at the plus for always having my back. They are the best friends a girl could have. Really. This story...all my stories, really...would not happen without them. They keep me sane (as sane as I can be with 1860's folk heroes running amok in my brains). I am never alone and I always know I am loved. Thanks ladies. You are the best. I love you all.-J**


	3. Chapter 3

The two rode on and soon the station was in view.

"Is that your home?" Josie asked.

"It's our home," Cody said correcting her gently, "At least it is for now. I ain't sure how things work from here but I think at some point we maybe ought to think about a place of our own."

Tears were threatening to mar her previously smiling face as she spoke.

"I'm so sorry. This ain't how things are supposed to go."

"Don't you be sorry now," he replied gently, "Things happen the way they happen regardless of how we think they're supposed to go." He chuckled a little. "I think I just sounded like Teaspoon there. Well, come on, someone's bound to spot us soon and holler we're coming in."

No sooner had he said those words when the call of "Rider's coming" rang out into the afternoon air.

"Told you," he smiled at her and that smile of his was enough to put one on her face as well.

A small crowd had assembled by the time Josie and Cody rode into the yard. Kid and Lou were the only ones missing but the rest were there to find out why there was an extra person riding in. They waited patiently while Cody jumped down from his horse and hurried over to help the young lady off of hers. She immediately clung to Cody's side which did not go unnoticed by anyone there. Whatever the story, this girl was terrified. Cody looked up as if momentarily unsure of himself but then he wrapped an arm around the girl and smiled that patented William F. Cody smile.

"I suppose you're all wondering who this lovely creature is," he began while everyone shifted on their feet waiting for him to tell them. "I'd like you all to meet Mrs. Josephine Cody. Josie, this here's the closest to family I got anymore."

From there he proceeded to make the introductions while the others had to visibly fight to not burst forth with their questions for him. Once Josie had been introduced, Rachel could see the men needed to talk so she quickly went to the girl's side.

"Josie, you must be exhausted from the ride, sweetie," she nearly cooed, "Why don't we get your things and I'll show you where you'll be so you can start to get settled in and maybe we can have some tea and you can rest. We can move your husband's things in later."

The look she shot Cody at the word 'husband' made him nearly wilt. He knew she had taken note of the small swelling in Josie's belly and it was as he thought, she believed he had been the cause of that swelling. There wasn't time then to dwell on such a thing. He'd explain later and once Rachel understood, he was pretty sure she wouldn't be so upset with him.

Once the ladies were out of earshot, Teaspoon spoke up.

"You want to explain how I sent you on a routine mail run and you come back with a missus who's already in a family way?"

"Yeah, that's moving fast even for you, Cody," Jimmy said with a smirk.

"It ain't like how you think," Cody said, "It ain't my baby. We ain't never…she was in a bad situation."

Teaspoon sighed. This was certainly more complicated than he originally thought it was. But at least he didn't have to read the young man the riot act about getting a girl in trouble.

Ike volunteered to see to the horses as he knew Buck would fill him in later. It wasn't that he was any less curious about the situation the girl was in or how Cody came to be involved but he wasn't sure he could really add anything to the discussion and he knew he could at least help by seeing to the animals.

The others filed into the bunkhouse and sat around the table. Cody looked longingly for a moment at his bunk—he'd love nothing more right about then than a nice nap—but then turned his eyes to Teaspoon. It really took all his courage to look the older man in the eye but when he did he didn't see the consternation he thought he might.

"So how's about you explain this situation the young lady found herself in," Teaspoon began, "Then we see where we stand."

Cody sighed and launched into the story of how he came to find himself at the altar of a church with a shotgun in his back and how Josie came to be so desperate to find herself a husband. He took note of the way Jimmy's fists flexed when he spoke of the choice she had to make and how that Mr. Howell abused his power over her. Looking around at the faces of the others, he could see Jimmy's sentiment was echoed by the rest of his brothers. Of course it was how Cody, himself, felt as well.

"So that's the story, Teaspoon," Cody finished, "It ain't what I planned but she really needed someone to help her. She's a nice girl and she don't deserve how she got treated. And it might be kind of nice being someone's pa."

Teaspoon looked to the others and then to the young man in front of him. Cody somehow looked even younger right then than he normally did and that was saying something right there.

"Don't you boys have some chores to do or something?" he asked the others, "I need to have a private talk with the newlywed here."

The others grumbled but obediently headed out to find other things to do. Cody watched as they left.

"Kid and Lou both on rides or something?" he asked.

"Yeah," Teaspoon confirmed, "Kid's gone for the next week and I don't know how long Lou's going to be gone. Army needed some special communications sent so she's riding back and forth between a couple forts. She had the lightest schedule so she was the easiest to part with for a while. And since she and the Kid turned sour on each other, I think it's best if one or the both of 'em ain't here. Makes things more peaceful."

Cody nodded. It had been nearly hostile with the two of them around and poor Jimmy kept getting dragged into the middle of the whole thing.

"So it ain't your babe she's carrying?" Teaspoon finally asked and Cody just shook his head.

"You love this gal?"

Again, Cody shook his head.

"I think I could, in time though," he piped up, "She's pretty and nice and she can cook. I could get to where I love her, I think and I could care for that little one like my own."

Teaspoon couldn't help but feel a little pride at the noble attitude of young Cody. There was more to the lad than typically met the eye and Teaspoon was proud to see it right then.

"That what she wants?" he asked, "That really what you want? It don't have to be that way, you know. If the two of you still ain't been together then there ain't nothing making that marriage legal. If she don't want this, or you don't then you just get it annulled. Ain't no shame in that."

"But she's having the baby, Teaspoon," Cody half whined, "What'll people think of her? I can't have people thinking she's some loose woman because of things she didn't have no control over."

"Nobody knows that girl here," Teaspoon replied, "She could use her maiden name and say her husband was killed and wouldn't nobody be the wiser. Maybe the two of you ought to talk some. You don't got to share a bed neither. I think Rachel's planning on bringing your things in the house but once she understands how complicated things is, she might change her mind about that."

"I need to talk to Josie," Cody said. He wasn't even sure what he wanted but he knew things were no longer just about him. He had a family to worry for now and even if they decided not to be that anymore, he still needed to think of her before making decisions that affected her.

Cody started to stand up but Teaspoon stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"Let the poor girl rest. After supper you can talk to her. You probably need a rest too."

Cody thought about laying down but his head was too filled with too many thoughts. He knew he would get no actual rest.

"Maybe I'll just go see if the guys need help with anything," he said, "Kid and Lou being gone must leave more work for them."

The other guys were silent as Cody joined them to finish the afternoon's work. Finally, when they were washing up for supper, Jimmy spoke.

"You okay?" he asked, "You got a lot heaped on your plate all to once."

"I did, didn't I? It's funny but I keep waiting to feel upset but I don't. I mean I'm mad as hell about what that creep did to her but I ain't upset to be married or even at raising the little one. She keeps apologizing like I'm going to be mad at her or something but I ain't. I think I feel kind of glad I was there. I know I won't hurt her and some guys might've not been nice if they got in this position. Everyone deserves a little kindness in their life and I don't figure she's had too much of it."

3

Josie followed Rachel toward the house with her bag in hand. The woman had an edge to her voice when she spoke to Bill but now seemed nothing but sweetness. It was something to be concerned about.

Once inside, Rachel led her upstairs and to a room that looked rarely used. It was simple and sparsely decorated but nice all the same. Surely it was nicer than her room had been before. That had barely been a closet off the kitchen but she had made do.

"The two of you can stay here until Cody figures out something more appropriate," Rachel said and there was a bite to her voice when she said his name. "I have to ask. Is he good to you at least? He shouldn't've gotten you in this fix. I thought he knew better. But he's kind to you, right? He didn't ever force anything or pressure you, did he?"

Josie frowned a moment and then realized what Rachel was asking. Her hand flew to her middle and the tiny bump there.

"You think…oh, this is terrible," she lamented, "Please don't think bad things about him. He didn't do nothing. This ain't his baby. He knows that. It couldn't be. We met once a few months back but he didn't so much as kiss me or try to hold my hand then. I had to tell Pa something and there he was and he had talked so sweet to me before and I was so scared…"

She let herself drop onto the bed as her face fell into her hands and she wept. Rachel sat down next to her and held her tight as she cried. There was clearly more to this story than she knew about.

"It's alright, sweetie," Rachel soothed, "You don't have to be afraid anymore."

"I ain't when Bill's close," Josie said with hitching breath, "And he ain't never touched me neither. Not like that anyway. He could've last night. We's man and wife now and he could've but he didn't. He knows and he could've thought such terrible things but he didn't. He just held me so's I could sleep. He's good and kind. Please don't think ill of him on my account."

"Well, I'm thinking better about him by the second," Rachel told her, "Now what happened then? How'd you get into this mess?"

Josie took a deep breath and explained what had happened with Mr. Howell at the bank.

"Why that lowdown, dirty rat," Rachel growled, "Some men are just vermin, sweetie and there's nothing more to say about them than that. They are just vermin. You're safe now, honey. He can't hurt you here. Those boys you met out in the yard are all pretty good shots and the one you got yourself married to is one of the best I've ever seen with a rifle. Plus, Teaspoon's the marshal around here. They're loyal, this bunch, and you're family now."

"They don't even know me," Josie began to protest but Rachel shushed her.

"They know enough," she assured her, "You married Cody which might earn you a medal or even sainthood for those of us who live with him. And by now they probably know you've been mistreated. They won't ever need to know more than that to stick up for you. And none of them abides too much seeing a woman in peril. It's just the kind of boys they are."

Rachel paused and looked around the room.

"So, how do you want to handle the sleeping arrangements?" she asked, "I know the two of you are married but the circumstances aren't exactly typical. I can order him to the bunkhouse, you know."

Josie shook her head.

"I need to get used to really being his wife," she insisted, "'Sides, he'd never hurt me and it ain't like it would be my first time or nothing. And it's sort of nice to fall asleep with someone holding you tight like he'd rather die than see anyone harm you."

"That's fine then," Rachel said, "It's hardly scandalous for a married couple to share a room or a bed." She stood up and looked around the room a moment. "I need to get to working on supper for the boys. You get some rest, sweetie and I'll call you when food's close to done."

"I should help," Josie protested, "I'm a good cook and I should help."

"How about tomorrow night you help?" Rachel offered, "You need your rest and I can handle that hungry bunch just fine. Tomorrow we'll see what you've got. The boys'll probably be happy for a change of pace."

Josie nodded. It felt strange to be laying down to rest in the daytime and with a supper that needed cooking but then she was awfully tired. It seemed she didn't have near the energy that she used to have before she was expecting. Her mind was flooded with thoughts. The young men she had met all seemed nice but then she could tell they weren't completely sure of her just yet. She hoped all Rachel had said was true and they would see her as family but then that was a lot to ask of them. And she would have to ask Rachel how she got any work done with all those handsome men around. That made her roll her eyes at herself. She was a married woman expecting a child and she had no business noticing how handsome the other young men were.

She must have slept though as she was awakened by Rachel gently shaking her shoulder. Josie looked up bleary-eyed.

"I know you needed that rest but that babe you're carrying needs you to get plenty to eat too," Rachel said gently as she smoothed Josie's hair. Josie blinked at her and allowed the tender gesture, so like how her mama had been before she passed on. "Come on, supper's ready. I'll carry it to the bunkhouse if you'll stop by the pump where the boys are getting washed up and tell them to come on and eat."

Josie nodded and then spared a worried glance at the mirror in the corner.

"You look just fine, sweetie," Rachel assured her, "You're a very pretty girl, you know." Rachel's brow furrowed. "You don't know that, do you? Well, you are. Now go on and round up those boys for their supper for me."

Josie's head swam with the words Rachel had just offered. No one had called her pretty in so long. Except Bill had said something about her being pretty when she had changed before they got here. No one else though. Even Mr. Howell who used her never said she was pretty. She might have felt less disgusted about what she had allowed him to do to her if he had at least told her she was pretty.

She made her way outside and found the young men, and her husband, all washing up for their meal. Her voice suddenly left her and she didn't feel like she could speak at all. It was the one Bill introduced as Ike who saw her first. He smiled and waved. Bill had told her that he couldn't speak but Josie thought maybe someone who had a smile as kind as his didn't need words. She smiled back and found her courage to do what she had come there to do.

"Rachel sent me to tell you fellas that supper's ready," she said and then looked uncomfortable when the other four sets of eyes joined Ike's green ones in looking at her.

"Thank you, Josie," replied the one Bill called Jimmy but she knew the rest of the world knew him by a different name entirely. She nodded to him and wondered how anyone could see his face and be frightened. He certainly didn't seem fearsome to her.

She offered smiles to Buck and Noah, she'd never known personally an Indian or a black man but they also seemed kind and really she told herself they were just people same as any others. Bill called them brothers so they had to be her brothers as well now and frankly, a girl in her situation couldn't be choosy about the people who were willing to take up for her. If they would really protect her like Rachel said then they were better than the so-called family she had left behind. Josie felt Bill's arm wind around her shoulders and leaned into him a little as they walked toward the bunkhouse to enjoy their meal.

* * *

**Well so far everyone is taking the news surprisingly well...or putting on a real good act...not sure which. I think Josie and Cody's after dinner convo will be quite interesting.-J**


	4. Chapter 4

Josie walked into the bunkhouse on Cody's arm and just stood there looking around. The others were all finding their seats and she didn't know where she belonged. For a moment she wanted to cry. Everyone here belonged and she did not. But then the light blue eyes turned to her and the arm rested around her shoulders. He pressed a light kiss to her cheek.

"Don't mind this rowdy bunch," he said smiling, "We just get real excited about Rachel's cooking." He turned his focus to the table. "Don't forget to leave a space for my lovely wife."

The other young men all shifted around making sure there was space to sit down next to Cody. Josie smiled shyly at all of them and then at Bill. She still felt like an intruder but then she knew she had to get over that. This was her home until they had something permanent and this was her family. Josie knew that this was an attempt to make her more comfortable but it actually made her feel more self-conscious when every dish came to her first. She didn't have much practice being a guest or even really an equal member of a family. She picked at her food. It was delicious but she just didn't feel comfortable eating it with any enthusiasm.

"Is there something wrong with supper?" Rachel asked when she noticed how little Josie was eating. "I didn't know what you liked."

"It's delicious, Rachel," Josie quickly answered, "I'm not very hungry I guess."

"Are you feeling alright, Josie?" Cody asked sounding worried. "I thought women in your condition needed to eat extra."

"I'm fine, thank you Bill. I think I just need some air."

Josie stood and headed for the door. Cody tried to follow but she insisted that he stay and finish his meal. Of course once she left, Cody couldn't enjoy his meal very much. He worried that something might be wrong with her or the baby. Teaspoon noticed the young man's distraction and stood.

"Aren't you staying for dessert?" Rachel asked him sounding surprised. None of her men liked to miss food, especially dessert but it was a genuine cause for alarm if either Cody or Teaspoon missed out on her offerings.

"I think I will take my dessert on the porch," he said adopting the tone of a man of leisure, "If you don't mind dishing up an extra serving, I think the young lady might be more inclined to eat something now. A little something sweet sure won't hurt her or that babe."

A few minutes later Teaspoon was settling himself into a chair next to the newest member of their little family. She looked up at him and his heart broke a little at the fear and uncertainty in her eyes.

"Thought you might like some dessert now that you got some air," he said offering the plate to her, "This bunch can take some getting used to."

"I'm used to rowdy boys," she replied taking the plate and proceeding to poke the blueberry pie with the spoon. "My brothers are far worse than those guys."

"You know them though," Teaspoon pointed out. "You don't know us. I'd like to think you will in time."

She only nodded and went right on analyzing every blueberry in the piece of pie.

"I know this ain't going to make you happy to hear but your husband told me some of your situation," Teaspoon said and he patted her arm when she looked up at him alarmed. "Didn't do nothing but make me want to give that fella at the bank a piece of my mind. Weren't there no one you actually knew that you could say was the baby's pa?"

She shook her head still looking down at her plate.

"Why Cody?"

"I met him once before and he was nice to me. He said I made a good cobbler. I do too," she asserted and Teaspoon smiled. "He has such beautiful and kind eyes. I didn't want to have to see Mr. Howell anymore either and I hoped he could take me away. He did. I just forgot that he'd be taking me somewhere and that people would have to know what happened, what I did. I didn't think that he might have such nice folks waiting to home for him. I didn't really think at all. I'm sorry."

"You were scared, honey."

"That don't make it right."

"Has Cody talked to you about how you don't have to keep this charade up?" Teaspoon asked.

"What?"

"Well, it ain't a real marriage and you don't have to stay hitched if'n you don't want to."

Josie frowned at him for a minute pondering his words. Then they seemed to come clear to her.

"I understand," she said in something barely above a whisper. "Bill told me what you are to him, all of you. You're like a pa and the others like his brothers. I'm trouble. I know. I guess you're right, I should leave. I-I could go tomorrow. I'm so sorry."

Her voice shook and her lips quivered but she kept the tears from flowing until she finished speaking. Teaspoon saw the first droplet make its way over her eyelid just before she bolted for the house.

"What did you do to her, Teaspoon?" Cody asked from the doorway. He had only heard her apologize sounding about to cry and then saw her run off.

"I don't rightly know," the older man replied, "Maybe I should go on over and try to set things to rights."

"No," Cody told him, "She's my wife, at least for now. I'll go to her. She and I need to talk anyway." He turned toward the house and then turned back with half a grin. "I don't know how much chance I'll get or even if it's right to wonder but I could almost get used to having me a wife. She's pretty too, ain't she?"

"Yeah she is," Teaspoon said thinking he really wished he could get Cody to stay for just a bit and talk. Maybe the boy was falling for this girl which might be a good thing or a bad one. But he might also just be falling for the idea of being a husband and father and falling for an idea and not the girl that came with it was more likely to end in disillusionment.

Cody walked into the house. It felt strange to him to go in without knocking but no one was inside but the woman he had married and Rachel said it was where he was living too. A person just doesn't knock on his own front door. He found the spare room and with it Josie. She was sitting on the bed with her head in her hands crying. He'd have a talk with Teaspoon later. It wasn't that he was ungrateful for all the man had done for him but he had made Josie cry. Cody wasn't going to sit idly by while some man made his wife cry.

"Josie, honey," he said softly as he sat next to her. He tried to put an arm around her but she tensed and moved away from him. "Sweetheart, whatever he said, it's okay. I'm here. I'll talk to him later. I doubt he meant to make you upset. You can talk to me. I thought we was finally getting to know each other. I'm still your husband."

"You don't have to be no more," she sobbed, "I'm leaving so you don't have to be."

"We can talk about that later," he told her. "Right now I am about to order you to talk to me. I hate that I might have to. I thought you maybe learned to trust me enough to tell me what upsets you. But if I haven't, I am your husband and that ought to mean something."

"I'm sorry," she whispered fearfully as she dipped her head and Cody felt terrible.

"No I'm sorry, Josie," he told her and tried to pull her close to him again. She allowed him but remained stiff. "How about we take a little walk? I know a pretty enough place we can get away, get some air. I think we have a lot to talk about, don't you?"

She nodded without making eye contact and he led her out of the house. Catching Rachel's eye as she headed toward the house, he offered a small smile but couldn't read the look on her face. Once they reached the small stand of trees at the top of the hill, he stopped.

"I always thought it was pretty here," he told her, "Thought maybe if I was ever to court a young lady I might want to bring her here for a picnic or something. Guess no one was worthy of the spot before you. Unless you don't like it."

"It's pretty, Bill. Too nice for me."

"Please stop saying things like that. I don't think it's true and I wish you wouldn't keep talking about yourself like that."

"Bill-"

"Josie, please, I got a few things I want to say. I want to hear all you got to say too but I'm asking you to let me go first."

Josie dipped her head in something of a nod and Cody continued talking.

"I been thinking on a lot of things," he said, "I guess the biggest thing I been trying to figure is why getting married all sudden like we did didn't upset me. It didn't, not at all. I think I like the idea of being married and I like the idea of raising up a young 'un. And then I think too that you must've been awful scared and you picked me to help you. Maybe you need someone to rescue you. I know you don't know me too good yet but I like to read books and lots of them I read have grand adventures and the reason for the adventure is lots of times to save a lady who needs rescuing. I like the idea of rescuing you. I know you married me out of fear though too and I don't want to make you stick to nothing you don't want. You don't have to stay married to me if you don't want to. Teaspoon says-"

"I told him I'd leave," she interrupted and then looked at her hands in her lap. "I know he don't want the trouble for you that I am. I know he wants you to take up with a respectable woman."

"Did he say that to you?" Cody asked getting angry.

"He didn't have to exactly. He said it ain't a real marriage and I didn't have to stay. I know what he meant."

"I don't think you do," Cody informed her, "He meant you don't have to be stuck with me. He likes me and the rest do too but I don't think I'm anyone they'd want their sisters getting tangled with."

"But you are a nice man."

"I like to think so but sometimes I get to running my mouth and I know it makes them think I ain't so nice."

He lifted his hand and brushed away a few locks that had blown across her eyes.

"What I'm trying to say is we have a decision to make, Josie. Married couples I guess have lots of those but this is a pretty big one. We ain't been together like man and wife and if we ain't ever then we ain't married really or at least we can get a paper saying we ain't no more. You could go on and be free of me. We could say you was some relative of one of the guys and you was widowed and that's why you're alone with a baby coming. No one would think ill of you and you wouldn't have to explain nothing more. You'd be free to find a sweetheart that you really love and marry him someday. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of you being happy someday."

"I-Is that what you want?" she asked timidly, "To not be married to me?"

"I like you, Josie," he replied, "You're pretty and you can cook and you're sweet and I like when you sing with me. I ain't saying I'm in love or nothing but I think I'm leaning that way. I don't know how you feel about me. I don't want you staying married unless it's what you want."

"Are you saying you'd actually want to be married to me?"

"I'm saying I wouldn't be against trying it out."

"I think I would like that, Bill," she said smiling a genuine smile. He loved that smile. Maybe in time he would even love the woman who wore it.

"Do you really mean that, Josie?" he asked, "'Cause if you don't, that would be fine."

"I do mean it," she insisted, "No one's ever been so nice to me. You make me feel like I'm some fine lady or something."

"You're as fine as any lady I met."

"C-can I ask you something, Bill?"

She suddenly looked shy again but it wasn't the same sort of fearful shyness she'd shown earlier. This was something closer to a flirtatious sort of thing and Cody liked it a whole lot.

"You can ask me anything you want. I'm your husband, ain't I?"

"Would you kiss me?"

A smile spread across Cody's face. He had wanted to do just that and was hoping that when she said she wanted to stay married that she meant for them to try to be a real married couple. Maybe not everything would come to once but he liked the idea of kissing her.

Josie felt nervous about asking such a thing. She was heartened by the smile on his face and more so when his fingers brushed over her lips and across her cheek before pressing his lips tenderly to hers. She couldn't stop the sigh that escaped her. Mr. Howell rarely kissed her and when he did it was harsh and nearly brutal. Bill's lips were soft and gentle. His hand cradled the back of her head and his tongue found its way into her mouth. There were flutters in her stomach she had never known before. Without thinking she returned the kiss, her own tongue exploring and her lips moving along with his. She had never truly kissed a man but somehow her lips knew how. The kiss ended too soon for her liking but they were out of breath. She opened her eyes to Bill's twinkling blue ones and a giddy smile on his face.

"You know, Josie," he began, "You don't even need to ask. If you want to kiss me, just do it. I ain't never been kissed like that before."

"I haven't either," she whispered and then ventured, "I liked it."

"No one ever kissed you good and true before?"

She shook her head.

"Well, I suppose with the sorry excuse for a man you was with…A real man shows a woman how precious she is. A real man _knows_ how precious she is."

"I ain't nothing special, Bill," she said, "I ain't that pretty and I didn't get much learning. I can cook and I can keep a house and I guess I can give you children. But I ain't much more'n that."

"I think you're wrong, Josie. I think you're pretty and none of us got much chance to go to school neither. Women should be treated precious anyway. They just should."

He kissed her again tenderly and then pulled his head back and grinned at her.

"You know," he began placing a hand over the small bulge in her belly, "We probably ought to think about names for the baby in there."

Josie giggled and placed her hand over his.

"I'm sorry it ain't yours. I know it's a lot to ask you to raise another man's child."

"I don't mind," he assured her, "I really don't. I like the thought that I could care for that young 'un. Have you given any thought to what to name it?"

"I must have a list a mile long for girl names but for a boy I thought William might be nice. Is that alright? To name him after you, I mean."

"I'd like that a lot."

He rubbed over the protrusion of her tummy and smiled.

"Maybe we ought to get back," he suggested, "It's getting dark."

He turned to walk away but Josie took his hand and pulled him back to her. She smiled up at him and he just had a feeling what she wanted. He lowered his head to hers and kissed her until they were both breathless.

"Yeah," he sighed taking her hand and heading back toward the house, "I could definitely get used to that."

* * *

**This didn't come easy. But it got done. I think they are all kinds of cute though.-J**


	5. Chapter 5

"I'm going to get some of my things from the bunkhouse," Cody said as they got back into the yard. "I'll be in soon."

Josie nodded and Cody could not help but lean down and try to kiss the uncertainty from her face.

"I wish you wouldn't look so scared of me, Josie. I think maybe we got different ideas of what marriage means or what we've seen of it's been different. I ain't going to hurt you and I ain't ever going to ask nothing of you that you don't want. That ain't how I was taught a man behaves."

"You been nothing but kind to me, Bill," she said softly, "I shouldn't doubt you. Everything is just so new. So much happened so fast. I don't think I know which end is up."

"I know," he replied with so much tenderness it nearly brought tears to Josie's eyes. Though for that matter, almost everything nearly made her cry. She guessed she had heard that women got more emotional when they were expecting but she wasn't prepared for how little control she had over her feelings. "If you want me to stay in the bunkhouse, we could try courting for a bit. Just because we ain't looking to get this thing annulled don't mean we can't take a little time."

"I think I'd like having you close to me. Is that alright?"

He smiled at her and nodded.

"I'll see you in a few minutes, okay?"

* * *

"So you're getting that annulment?" Jimmy asked as Cody walked in the door of the bunkhouse.

"I'm just picking up a few of my things," Cody answered, "I'll get the rest tomorrow. We're going to try to make this work."

"I'll bet it was real hard to convince you to do that," Buck piped up and Ike smiled.

"Question is," Noah jumped in, "How did you convince her?"

"Now it ain't about that," Cody protested, "I ain't going to push her into anything. She's scared something awful and I don't want her to be scared of me. That ain't how married people are supposed to be. She does kiss nice though."

Cody grabbed a few things and walked out but he could tell someone was right behind him.

"What, Jimmy?" he turned and asked exasperated.

"I just wanted to talk to you a minute," Jimmy replied.

"About what?"

"Well first I wanted to tell you congratulations," Jimmy told him, "I didn't expect you'd be the first of the bunch married off and wondered if any of us would be what with Kid and Lou on the outs. She's a pretty gal and seems real nice too. I'm happy for you."

"I'd thank you if I thought that was all you had to say. But I'm thinking there's more and I ain't going to like the more."

"I just think you should be careful," Jimmy said seriously, "For both your sakes. You don't really know her and she don't really know you and this ain't the best situation to get acquainted in. I ain't saying either of you has bad intent or nothing but I just think you ought to be careful."

"I will. I don't think I need to as much as you seem to but I will all the same."

* * *

"Did you have a nice walk, Josie?" Rachel asked as she watched the girl walk into the house and took note of the fact that she was alone.

"Yes. Bill took me to the most beautiful spot on a hill. He's very sweet, isn't he?"

Sweet wasn't always how Rachel would choose to describe Cody but when she thought about it, he really was and he seemed to be showing that side to Josie.

"He can be. So you two decided to slow things down? Or are you not staying married?"

"He's just getting some of his things," Josie explained, "He'll be in shortly."

"You know you don't have to. We all know you married him in an act of desperation. That doesn't mean…"

"I know. And I know you look out for him and you'd probably rather see me move along and not bring trouble to your boys but I really like him and I think he really likes me. We could love each other in time, couldn't we?"

"I guess you could but is that really the marriage you want?" Rachel inquired, "You're a pretty girl. Don't you think you might deserve a husband who starts out loving you? I like you and even if you didn't stay together, you could stay here as long as you need."

"Thank you, Rachel," Josie replied, "But this feels like the right thing to do."

"You know it's called making love for a reason, right? You don't owe him anything but a thank you for getting you away from the bad situation you were in."

"I been with a man before, Rachel," Josie said strongly as she patted her belly, "I guess you can see that. Bill says I don't have to do nothing I don't want to anymore. I ain't staying married because I owe him. If anything happens tonight I think it might be just 'cause I'd like to know what it's like to be with a man who treats me nice. No one's ever treated me as nice and sweet as Bill does. I'm pretty sure I could fall in love with him and maybe I'm already starting to."

Rachel had no words really so she just hugged Josie tight.

"We're friends, you know," she said, "You need anything, to talk or whatever, and you come see me."

"I will."

Josie went to her room which she knew wasn't only her room. That was different for her. Even though her room had been cramped and sad to home, it had been all hers. To share a room was something new but maybe not something so bad. She thought about how it had felt the night before when Bill had put his arms around her and held her tight to him. Her stomach flipped and for a moment she wasn't sure if she was maybe falling for him or if the sickness from the baby was coming back. She was far enough gone that she rarely got sick anymore. A few deep breaths and she was feeling better. Josie could hear a man's step coming toward the room on the wooden floorboards of the hallway. She was suddenly nervous. He said she didn't have to do what she didn't want to but she had asked for him to share her bed. He might assume. And really she sort of did want to make love to him even though love might not be what this was. She didn't know. She hadn't ever been in love before. He made her feel special and he was kind and gentle and when he kissed her a million butterflies took flight in her stomach. Maybe that was love.

Cody opened the door and watched as Josie's head whirled around to face him. He offered a broad smile and was gratified to see her soften and even return the smile some. In his arms he held a few clothes and some books. He spotted a chair at the end of the bed and set his things down. The clothes didn't stay though as Josie quickly stood and put them away in the chest of drawers. She came back to the chair and looked at the books and then around the room trying to find a place to put them.

"I like to read before I turn in," he said in explanation.

Josie smiled and picked up the books and then froze again.

"Which side is yours?" she asked him nodding toward the bed. He just stared at her blankly for a moment and then smiled.

"Whichever one ain't yours."

She dipped her head a little and thought for a second before heading to one side and setting the books down on the nightstand.

"So they'll be closer to you."

"You can read them too," he said, "I don't know if they're the kind of books you'd like. If they ain't, maybe Rachel has some you might like. Or Noah. Noah reads a lot too."

"I don't read so good," she said softly.

"You'll fit right in with Jimmy then," Cody smiled reassuringly, "He couldn't read at all until just recently."

"Bet he wouldn't be happy with you telling folks that."

"You ain't just folks," Cody explained, "And if he saw how bad it looked like you was feeling about yourself for not being able to read so good, he'd've told you himself."

"He's not like the stories about him, is he?"

"About as far from them as he can keep himself. I think he's worried I'm going to hurt you in some way. He don't cotton much to seeing a woman as fearful as you are."

"I'm not scared of you no more."

"I know but I understand where Jimmy's coming from too," he told her, "You been treated bad so long that maybe you don't know you can say no now or maybe I pressure you into something without even knowing I'm doing it. I don't want to but it could happen with the way it sounds like you been living."

"It ain't fair to you though if we don't…"

"I won't lie to you," he replied, "I want to and the more I think about your pretty hair and your pretty eyes, the more I want to with you. But it's okay to say no. It's okay to want to take more time. I figure most folks at least know each other's names before the wedding ceremony. It's like we have this thing that has certain steps to it but we jumped to the last step or close to it before we even did the first step."

She cocked her head to the side and looked at him for a minute furrowing her brow.

"I don't even know your middle name," she mused, "Of course I wouldn't've known Mr. Howell's first name if it wasn't on the little wooden thing on his desk. It was George but I never dared to call him that."

Cody found a smile to cover the anger he had toward Mr. George Howell. He bowed to Josie.

"I don't suppose I ever did properly introduce myself," he said sweetly, "William F. Cody. The 'F' stands for Frederick. How about you? All I know is Josephine and you prefer Josie. I don't even know your maiden name."

"Josephine Mae Furnish," she answered, "I do like Josie better though. Or Jo, Jo is fine too."

"How about if I call you 'beautiful'?" he asked her and delighted in seeing the blush creep into her cheeks. He challenged himself to make her blush for good things, to make her smile or even giggle and when he could succeed it felt good. He was getting some feelings for her, alright. Not all of them were proper—not proper for a courting couple at any rate. Of course, he reminded himself, they were not a courting couple, they were man and wife. He looked over to see her working to undo the fasteners on her dress. She looked uncomfortable and he went to her and stayed her hands.

She wasn't sure why Bill stopped her from getting undressed. When she went to Mr. Howell, she was only ever to wait for him to close and lock his office door and then she had to take off her clothes and lay on the floor. He only ever lowered his trousers, did what he wanted to her and then pulled them back up and went back behind his desk. She had heard other girls giggle sometimes about kissing a boy or about a wedding night and once she heard two close friends who had each recently married and they were speaking with such glee about their wedding nights. Josie wasn't sure why they were so happy about it. The first time Mr. Howell had done what he wanted with her, it had been terrible and painful. It never hurt that much after the first time but it wasn't nice either. Still she figured she ought to just take her clothes off and get it over with. Then, perhaps, he might hold her or kiss her. But then he closed his hands over hers and stopped her from unfastening her dress. His lips descended on hers and soon she wanted to unfasten her dress to give herself more room to breathe.

Josie couldn't have stopped her hands if she had wanted to. They simply took a life of their own and traveled over Bill's chest and then tugged his shirttails out of his pants and traced the contours of his torso. She hardly even noticed his hands now working the same fasteners on her dress that he had stalled her in unhooking. When the kiss broke apart, his shirt and her dress were both hanging open. She could see a fire in his eyes that contained a lust she had seen before and a passion that she hadn't. Mr. Howell had looked at her with lust but it was like a fox eying a rabbit. It wouldn't have mattered if it was her or someone else, his needs were about to be met and he didn't care who met them. Bill seemed to care. This was not about his needs but his wants and he wanted her. It wasn't just opportunity presenting itself to him but a desire for her that made her shudder.

"You are beautiful, Josie," he whispered huskily as his fingers ghosted over her flushed cheeks. "I thought so the first day I met you. The way you smiled at me, I thought I would've liked more time to get to know you. I was only thinking on stealing a kiss but I didn't even have time for that."

He pushed her dress off of her shoulders and the whole garment slid to the floor. She stood before him in only her pantaloons and chemise. She'd never been fancy enough to wear a corset and even if she had, her belly had grown just enough to have stopped that anyway. Her eyes widened as Bill shrugged off his shirt and she got her first full view of his sculpted chest. She could not look away. The only other man she had ever seen unclothed was Mr. Howell and he was overweight and old and she really had only seen him from the waist down. And she usually tried not to look at him anyway. Her brothers, for as uncouth as they could often be, always wore at least their union suits in her presence. She was frightened for a moment at the prospect of what his kiss had begun but then he kissed her again and this time her hands found the belt of his trousers and the buttons holding them closed.

Cody was surprised actually that she was doing the things she was doing. When he broke the kiss it was partly to breathe and partly to see if she was doing what she was doing because she felt she had to. He expected to see her eyes lower or see fear and uncertainty. Instead he saw desire and passion that mirrored his own. Her eyes met his and she was breathless. Looking at her right then, he knew he had never felt this strong a need to be with a woman.

By the time the second kiss ended, they were both unclothed. Josie was afraid at first when he touched her. Mr. Howell rarely touched her more than to grab at her bosom roughly or to pin her shoulders down beneath him. Bill gently caressed her and made the goose bumps rise on her flesh. She squeaked when he picked her up and set her gently on the bed but knew what was next. Josie dutifully kept her arms to her sides and spread her legs for him.

Cody settled himself next to her and took note of how she laid there. He guessed he knew what she thought when he put her on the bed but instead of just taking her right then, he let his hands travel her soft skin, caressing, rubbing.

Josie closed her eyes and waited for him to just do it but instead she felt his hands on her, his lips, his whole body against hers. It was tender and made her feel good and she dared to move her hands to his body and explore. She thought he might stop her but he encouraged her and soon sounded as if he was feeling pleasure. She knew she was. Nothing had felt so good and the pleasure came over her in waves. Each time she felt it wash over her body, Bill held her close to him. She lost count of the times he sent her over that beautiful, blissful edge but then he seemed to not be able to hold out any longer. He settled between her legs and looked once more into her eyes to confirm that this was alright with her. She tightened her arms around him in answer and their bodies joined in a dance almost older than time itself.

When they finished, Cody rolled from her and brought her to him and held her tight. He had been so worried about her and how she would feel that he was unprepared for how he felt right then. He'd rarely been with a woman he hadn't paid and Josie's vulnerability heightened everything for him as well. He felt the need to cling to her as if she was the only other soul on the earth. He thought maybe that he might even have fallen in love with her. His mouth opened and he almost told her just that but he remembered once when Jimmy had been candid with him about Sarah Downs. Cody had been surprised that Jimmy would be so forthcoming to him of all people but now he was grateful, at least a little. Jimmy probably felt he had been taking a chance talking to Cody that night. But Cody could tell this was important and hard for his friend to discuss and that he must've needed it. Of course, thinking back on it, Jimmy was almost trapped into talking to him about things.

They'd been on an overnight run and had made a fire and some supper and were just talking. It wasn't long after the whole Sarah Downs debacle and Cody was staying the heck away from that subject. He hadn't liked seeing his friend in a noose and he didn't like thinking about what had led to that but Jimmy had somehow broached the subject, although looking back, Cody couldn't remember exactly how. Thinking on it, Cody realized there weren't really that many options for someone to talk to. Ike and Buck would have maybe been good but there was no way that Jimmy would have talked about this with Kid. The man was too proper and Jimmy would have feared being judged. Lou was a girl and Jimmy might rather have died than talk about it with her or with Emma. Teaspoon was someone who was great for advice but they all tried so hard to please him and Jimmy would probably have felt like he let the man down. It probably came down more to the fact that Cody was there when Jimmy had this introspective moment than any other factor.

What Jimmy had confessed was that Sarah was the first woman he had been with. At that time, Cody hadn't ever been with a woman and he thought the other guys were probably in the same boat. His mind had been overrun with questions but he knew they weren't appropriate. Because Jimmy had never been with a woman before, when Sarah made love to him—or whatever it's called when there's no love involved—Jimmy had believed himself to be in love. Since he was in love and figured that she must be too in order to have been with him like that, she couldn't have betrayed him. Jimmy's words from that night came to him right then as he held Josie close to him in the dark.

"Just 'cause a woman gives you her body it don't mean she's giving you her heart. And you might want to think you love her because…well, you just will. But take some time on it because you might be feeling something else entirely."

Cody kissed the top of Josie's head and held her fast.

"Goodnight beautiful," he whispered into her hair.

"Goodnight Bill."

* * *

**Oh my little sweeties...I do love them...those who know me know that nothing is this simple...but right now I think they both needed that. Sometimes a person just needs a little nekkid snuggling and Cody's got a nice body to snuggle to. hehehe...**

**In other news, children are back to school this week...still working out issues here and there but mostly it looks alright. I know my longtime followers understand my reservations. But we have to be open to good things too and maybe those will come to us this year. So the week has been hectic and writing has been harder...but I shall persevere.-J**


	6. Chapter 6

Josie squinted her eyes against the soft light filtering into the window by their bed. She smiled at the thought that it was their bed. And she smiled at not being afraid for the first time in months. She had known as soon as her time of the month came and went without the bleeding. She was nothing if not regular and had always been. When she was a day late she thought it was possible but pushed the thought aside and blamed it on nerves. When a week later she had still not begun to bleed, she knew. In her heart she knew and she could see the other changes as well. Her breasts were bigger and her appetite changed. Certain smells turned her stomach that she never gave notice to before. And she was sick. All the time, she was sick. And frightened. She knew whose baby it was. There had never been anyone else and there wouldn't have even been Mr. Howell if she hadn't been in such a situation.

The options rolled around her head. She could tell her pa and brothers how she'd been keeping them in their home and the best outcome would have been being beaten and cast out as a whore in their eyes. The worst would have been if they had also gone after Mr. Howell. They might have killed him and gone to prison or been hanged themselves. There was no one she had ever been close enough to in town to even ask advice of and certainly no boys had ever even tried to kiss her or hold her hand. She could not pin her troubles on any of them. Weighing the options often gave her such a headache that she would just give up and think of something else. Her best option, she decided was to stay quiet and hope that she would be one of those women whose belly did not betray her. She had seen it. Everyone knew Mrs. Dalton was expecting and was happy for her but many remarked that if they hadn't heard from Mrs. Dalton herself that she was in a family way and then seen her little Wesley that they wouldn't have believed it. Maybe she would just look a little fat and be able to cover it up that way. Her pa and brothers hardly spared her a glance anyway. But then it was someone else in town and she'd never know who exactly…but someone figured it out and thought to ask her pa why he hadn't made the father of her babe make an honest woman of her.

That day had been about the worst for Josie. She was near to five months gone and had only just started showing. She thought she had been doing a good enough job of covering it up but then she didn't have money to make new dresses or anything and her blouses were straining against her larger bosom and her skirts were getting hiked higher and higher to find a place where she could still fasten them. She was silly to think someone wouldn't catch on. When it had been brought to her pa's attention, he had first turned on her brothers for not keeping a better eye on her but then he turned on her and called her every name he could think of. Then he did the thing that scared her most of all. He asked her who had done this to her. She put him off for a few days and then they happened to be in town one day and she spotted him. She had met this blond man once before and he had been kind and gentle and hadn't spared a glance at the frayed edges of her sleeves or the threadbare dress she wore. He had complimented her cooking and his eyes had sparkled at her. It was a chance to take but she couldn't put her pa off any longer and so she had pointed and said, "That's him."

The flurry of activity that followed frightened her even more. Her pa went to the wagon and grabbed his shotgun muttering about no-good Pony Express riders and her brothers pulled the young man right off his horse. There was maybe an hour or two discussion before she was heading down the aisle of the church. She hadn't thought she would end up married that day. Honestly she thought she might be made to go with him and he would promise her kin that she'd be married and then they would part. She wasn't sure what she would do then or how she'd support her babe. She guessed she might have to offer the baby for adoption. It would be alright though because she would know it would have a better life than she had ever known. In honesty, she hadn't really given much thought to the baby at all. That felt horrid to admit but when she did think about giving birth and being left to take care of the child, it scared the daylights out of her. Her dream on the trail of a warm room and a rocking chair and a swaddled babe in her arms was the first real thought she had given to truly being a mother. It was a nice thought. Bill would take care of her and the babe and she felt for the first time that she could think of the baby as hers.

It was warm and safe in his arms and she wanted to stay there forever. He had made her feel so good and now she felt protected and that felt good too. But she could hear movement downstairs and knew Rachel was up and starting breakfast. Josie knew she should help and she should wake her husband. The corners of her mouth turned up at the thought of the word. Husband. It was a word that once might have frightened her. She had seen only one marriage really and that was her folks'. She wouldn't say they fought exactly but that was because her mother just took everything. Never did her ma raise an objection to anything. Men were not to be questioned and if her pa thought he was being questioned or thought her ma was doubting him or objecting to anything, he was quick to strike her. Josie often thought that, in her ma's eyes anyway, the illness that claimed her life was a relief. And Josie herself often wished for the same relief. Her brothers never struck her and when she put a meal on the table they were even kind and most of the time her father mostly ignored her but then if she wasn't fast enough at a chore or tried to offer an excuse for something, she'd find herself sporting a shiner for a few days. Being married was scary to her but Bill had different ideas of how marriage should be and how men should treat women and how women should act. It seemed everyone here did. Having a husband now seemed like a good thing, a happy thing even.

At first she thought merely to shake him lightly to wake him but once her hand rested on his side she remembered touching him the night before and it didn't seem a good enough way to rouse him from sleep. So she leaned to him and kissed him lightly at first and then pressed her lips more firmly to his. It startled her when his hands went to her face and held her lips tighter to his but then she relaxed and opened her mouth to him. The kiss ended and he smiled at her.

"Good morning," he said, "A man could get spoiled having a wife like you."

"Good morning, Bill."

Cody noted the way she smiled and nearly blushed at him. He felt his insides turn over. For all his talk, he'd never had a woman react quite that way to him. Then he noticed her looking uncomfortable.

Josie felt good about things when she woke him up but then she thought to get up and lay out his clothes for the day. She had almost thrown the covers off of her when she remembered they had fallen asleep after making love the night before. She had not put on a nightgown and she was completely naked. It was one thing for him to have seen her body the night before when they were in the heat of passion. It was quite another in the light of a new morning.

Cody finally figured out what was making her uneasy. He at first thought maybe if he got up and got dressed that she would feel less embarrassed but then worried that seeing him naked wouldn't help things at all.

"I won't look," he told her, "I don't think you need to be embarrassed about being naked around me but I won't look. You can get up and get dressed and I won't look if you don't want me to."

"I'm being silly, aren't I? Especially after…"

"Maybe it's a little silly," he conceded, "But I think we all get silly sometimes. You want me to turn around?"

Maybe it was his words and maybe it was the comfortable way he said them but Josie suddenly felt less self-conscious and shook her head. She rose and felt confident for a moment but then she looked to see his eyes on her belly. Her hands flew to her middle as she quickly turned to grab her clothes that had been abandoned on the floor the night before.

"I'm sorry," Cody said, "I shouldn't stare. I just…well, I usually just see the little bump that shows through your clothes. It's bigger than I thought. I guess I wasn't paying attention to your belly last night." A thought seemed to occur to him right about then. "I didn't…I mean I couldn't've hurt the baby, could I?"

"I don't think so," she answered softly, "Maybe when I'm bigger but I don't think right now. Unless you wouldn't want to anymore…not exactly a vision as big as I'm getting already."

"I kind of like all the curves you got right now, Josie. Maybe I shouldn't say it like that but it's true."

While he was talking, Josie was pulling on her pantaloons. Cody moved to the edge of the bed and placed a hand over one of hers.

"Can I?" he asked, his other hand hovering over the bulge in her middle.

She nodded and felt so moved as his hand reverently rested on the bump that she nearly started crying. His fingers ran lightly over the protrusion as if memorizing it. Then he stopped abruptly.

"What was that?"

"It moved," she said, "I been feeling it move for a while now. It was hard to tell if that's what it was at first but it moves a lot."

Cody, for possibly the first time since his mama heard him utter his first word, could not come up with a single thing to say. Mere words seemed insufficient right then. He was actually feeling a child moving within Josie's belly. A child that would be _his_ child. She may have acted out of desperation and not love but the gift she was giving him was nothing but love. He simply stared at her in awe.

Josie looked into his eyes and saw the love there. She wasn't sure if it was love for her or the child but either way, she felt nearly unworthy of it. And her own feelings were swirling so much that she felt a sudden need to get away and think. Maybe she could talk to Rachel. Maybe that wasn't a good idea but either way, she needed time to think, to sort out. She would love nothing more than to fall in love with Bill. He was a good and kind man. He treated her with a gentleness that she had never known before. Of course she also wanted him to fall in love with her. Maybe that was asking too much for a girl like her but now that she could see that not all men were like her pa and brothers, she thought maybe she would like to know what it was like to have a man in love with her. She blinked a few times and placed her hand gently over his hand that was still pressed to her swollen belly.

"I should get dressed and help Rachel with breakfast," she said turning from him and gathering up the rest of her clothes. "Now that there's another woman here, she shouldn't have to do everything herself."

Josie pulled her chemise over her head and then headed to find a skirt and blouse. She sighed when she had trouble once again getting the skirt fastened. She would have to see if there was a way to let her garments out a little or something because she was sure to get even bigger. Once she was clothed, she laid out a set of clothes for Bill and offered a smile as she left the room.

Cody wasn't sure what he felt. The night before when he'd held her in his arms, kissed her sweet lips, made love tenderly to her, he'd felt certain that he loved her, was in love with her. Now he wasn't sure and he felt nearly guilty that he had acted as he had. Surely she would think he did love her to have engaged in the activities he had. But then there was the feeling that came over him at seeing how much the child growing within her had stretched her belly and then feeling the life squirming within her and he knew he felt something damned close to love.

Sighing he pulled his clothes on, clothes she laid out for him, and headed out to get going on the morning's chores.

* * *

A light humming made Rachel look up from the skillet where she was frying potatoes to go with bacon and eggs for breakfast. She saw Josie breeze into the kitchen with a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. She wanted to ask how the girl had slept, or if she had slept at all. She wanted to ask many things but Josie kept moving and patted her tummy as she walked by. Rachel understood. The poor girl probably needed to get to the outhouse quickly.

A few minutes later Josie was back.

"What can I help you with?"

Rachel instructed Josie as to what still needed doing and Josie set to work humming as she did. Josie was just stacking things to take to the bunkhouse to serve the boys when Rachel stopped her by placing a hand lightly on the girl's arm.

"Josie, could I talk to you just a bit before we get breakfast on?"

"Sure Rachel," Josie replied, "But won't the men be wanting their breakfast? They're working awful hard and I'm sure they're getting hungry."

"They'll be fine," Rachel assured her, "None of them are in danger of starving to death if they have to wait an extra minute or two. Your, uh, husband might try to convince us otherwise but I know the truth. I wanted to ask you a few things."

"Like what?"

"Well, you seem awful chipper this morning. Can I trust you slept well?"

"Oh yes," Josie gushed, "I've never had a bed so soft."

Rachel softened a little at that.

"I don't want to embarrass you by asking what I think I need to ask next," Rachel began, "I wanted to ask if things had…well…progressed between the two of you."

Josie blushed and looked down for a moment. When she looked back up again, her eyes were sparkling.

"I've never been touched like that, Rachel. I heard other girls talk about things like that and saying how great it is and I never understood what they said. I do now. He was so tender to me and…" She paused and looked around furtively and then continued in a whisper. "It felt so good, Rachel. I had no idea that it could be like that."

Rachel squeezed Josie's shoulder and then patted her arm.

"Maybe we can talk more later."

Josie smiled and nodded and they set out to bring the boys their morning meal.

* * *

Teaspoon looked around at his boys as they ate their breakfast. He watched most closely the interaction between young Cody and his new bride. While he was heartened to see that she seemed more at ease with the members of the pieced together family as well as the return of her appetite to one more fitting of a lady eating for two, so to speak, seeing the look on the young man's face gave him pause. He would have to find a time to talk to his young charge. Perhaps he could trust Barnett with the town a while longer today and get the sweat lodge heated up. That usually worked with the others and he figured that Cody could use a cooling down. For all of Cody's flamboyance and big talk, he was the one that Teaspoon had never had to drag into the sweat lodge to talk about some female or another. Come to think of it, the only time Cody had set foot in the structure was when they all had gotten drug in there after Teaspoon had inadvertently discovered the truth about Lou. Well, today the boy would get his first taste of how a good sweat could clear a man's head.

Even though it was Cody he needed to council, Teaspoon made a point to catch the young lady after breakfast was finished.

"I fear that my meaning yesterday got a little lost or confused," he said gently, "I wanted to make sure that we were clear. I think you're a fine young lady and maybe you could even be a world of good for our Cody. I just wanted you to know you have choices. I ain't saying which you have to take. I sure didn't mean no offense to you."

She smiled at him. He sure was just like a father but not a gruff and often scary one like her own had been. He was kindly and sweet.

"Bill explained it to me," she answered, "You're sweet to look out for me so. I'm sorry I run off like I did. Sometimes I get feeling things so powerful. I guess I heard that some women get like that when they're expecting and maybe that's what it is. Maybe I just ain't used to how nice everyone is here. I never knew there could be so many nice people all in the same place."

Her words only made Teaspoon feel more urgent about talking to the boy. He looked around and saw his chance. Josie needed to bustle off to help Rachel with the dishes and Teaspoon spotted Cody leaning against a post on the porch of the bunkhouse and walked over grabbing the lad by the ear as he went.

"Ow! What did you do that for, Teaspoon?"

"To get your attention," the older man replied.

"You got it," Cody said, "What do you want?"

"I ain't never had to do this with you before and maybe I should have just on general principle because maybe it's too late but you're coming to the sweat lodge with me right now."

"I don't understand."

"Yeah, that's the trouble," Teaspoon agreed, "I don't think you do understand and I neglected to make sure you understood."

A short while later, the two of them were sweating amid the steamy air and Cody's usual bluster and high spirits were gone. He now had all the perkiness of wilted lettuce.

"I'm here and I'm sweating," he said, "Can we get to whatever you needed to talk about so I can get out of here?"

"Well there's one thing I neglected already," Teaspoon mused, "Spent too much time talking about sins with you and not nearly enough about virtues—of which patience is one."

"Aww, Teaspoon," Cody whined.

Teaspoon ignored his protests and went right on talking.

"Annulment ain't an option anymore, is it?"

Cody offered a smile and shook his head.

"We talked and decided to try to see if this could work."

"And what's the verdict?"

"I think it looks good," Cody said, "She still seems a little nervous but not near as much. I think I might be falling for her too. And this morning I got to feel her belly when the baby was moving. You ever felt that, Teaspoon? It's something I can't rightly explain to you. She's the gentlest soul too. Yeah, I think I could fall in love with her. I do. I still need to have more time to talk to her about things but I feel good about this."

"Talking is good," Teaspoon acknowledged, "I don't know if somehow I taught you that or if your own folks did or if you're smart enough to figure it on your own. But talking is good. I just want to put one question in your head and I don't want you to answer it now. I want you to think on it a bit…really chew on it a while. You talk about falling in love. I just want you to be sure it's the girl that you're falling in love with and not the idea of her. Being a husband and a father is weighty stuff but it can seem very attractive. Feeling that babe moving is pretty powerful too. But there's a lot of hard responsibility that comes with being a married man and raising a young 'un. If you're just in love with the idea of having a wife or of being someone's pa, then you're going to come to resent the responsibility. It won't be any good for either of you. Just make sure that while you're doing this falling that you're falling for the right thing."

* * *

**Wise words, Teaspoon...wise words indeed. Sorry this took so long. I lost Priscilla for a few days. She needed a brain transplant...oh I should explain that for those who don't know my special brand of crazy yet. Priscilla is my laptop...well what would you name a 17" pink laptop? I mean she can't just not have a name...anyway, she toasted her hard drive. Luckily or maybe it wasn;t luck since we bought the warranty so I guess, smartly, she was under warranty and a nice man from Dell came and fixed her. Still I was computer-less for like four or five days and then when I got her bback I was so busy geting things back the way I like them that I couldn't concentrate on writing for a while...but thanks to K, I had a breakthrough with this story. I mean I know the basics of the story but I got a couple scenes to come through loud and clear for me...they might be in the next chapter or the one after that but knowing what will come helped me know where to place the matches here. Also in that time, I got to meet in person another of my dear writer friends...She is a Michigander really but currently lives in KS...and is often as happy about that as Jimmy would be...heheh...anyway, she was in state and close enough that we could find a middle meeting point. It was wonderful! No writing that day but so much fun and lots of TYR talk! Anyway, let me know what you think of this. I love the feedback and I feel we are getting to know Josie a little more here which I like...do you? Oh yeah and since I missed wishing this earlier, L'shanah Tovah! Some will understand and some won't but even if you don't understand, it's still a postive thing and not meant only for the Jewish out there. Love you all bunches!-J**


	7. Chapter 7

Cody had nodded at Teaspoon, a practiced response, and then left the sweat lodge. Obviously the man forgot what it was like to be young and in love. All those wives and now he was just too old to understand. Cody just knew it was Josie he was falling for. He felt he could care for her, die for her even. And the baby, well, something in his heart shifted when he felt that fluttering movement under her skin. He loved that child already, he knew it. And if it was a boy he would have his name and call him pa. William F. Cody, Jr. That sounded damn good to him. And if it was a girl, he could only hope she'd be pretty as her mama and he would protect her and keep his skills with the rifle up for any no good boys who were sniffing around. He'd teach her to dance in the parlor and hug her while she cried over her first broken heart. Yeah he was feeling pretty sure that he loved Josie and very soon he knew he would feel sure enough to tell her so.

* * *

Josie was still humming as she hung the wash on the lines and she didn't hear Rachel approaching.

"So it's true love?" Rachel asked causing Josie to jump and stop humming.

"I don't know for sure but he makes me happier than I have been. He's…well, he's so gentle and sweet and tender to me and he felt my belly when the baby was moving and you should've seen the look on his face. And his eyes are so beautiful, aren't they?"

Rachel's concern was heightened as she thought the gushings sounded more like those of a schoolgirl with her first crush than a woman speaking of her husband. It was concerning but then sometimes love had its beginnings in a schoolgirl crush.

"So, Josie," Rachel began tentatively. She felt she had made some inroads to being a confidant to this girl and surely did not want this to come out wrong. "Did you have a boy you fancied back home? Maybe someone you went to school with?"

"I didn't go to school much," Josie answered, "I mean, I guess I went pretty regular until I was maybe twelve or so. But then Ma got sick and I had to look after her and the house and all and then Ma died and I been home with Pa and the boys ever since. I guess there was one boy in school I thought was kind of nice to look at. But then I didn't get to go to school no more and I didn't see him much. Just if we both happened to be in town the same time."

"After that though, was there a boy you would've liked attention from? Someone you saw in town or at church or maybe at a town dance or social?"

"Didn't go to church none after Ma passed on neither," Josie said plainly grabbing a clothespin out of the pocket of her apron and pinning a corner of a sheet up with it. "Went to just a few socials and Pa and the boys wouldn't let me go to dances. Said I weren't right for them. I don't know why. But the shopkeeper's son, Joe, he was always real nice to me when I had to go in for supplies. He'd give me more credit than he should've and he didn't ask nothing for it like Mr. Howell did. He always gave me a smile and called me Miss Furnish. And he had nice manners too, like Bill does. He'd carry things to the wagon for me even if I didn't have a lot and I could've carried it all myself. I told him once that I'd find a way to pay the bill off or at least down to a respectable amount but he said my smile was payment enough. I never had anyone talk so pretty to me before then. Bill is like that. He never once noticed how shabby my clothes are or nothing."

"So you liked this Joe? You maybe had a crush on him?"

"He weren't much to look at but then I don't guess I am neither. I used to think it would be awful nice to spend my days being talked to pretty and having someone treat me like I deserved manners."

"Josie, everyone deserves manners and to be treated nice and talked to pretty," Rachel told her, "Okay, maybe not everybody…but deserving those things is not about how much money your family has or even how pretty you are. You are a pretty girl, sweetie, but what's more important is that you are a sweet girl. I just want you to really think about how you feel. Even though you made love, it doesn't mean you have to stay with him. And just because you didn't get much chance for an education before doesn't mean you couldn't now. The world has much more to offer you than I think you've ever known. It's a shame you never knew all there was before but you can now."

"But this is a fine life, Rachel," Josie protested, "Bill cares for me even if he don't love me and I think maybe he does love the baby. I didn't think before I could even keep the baby. I thought for sure I'd have to give it up for someone else to raise. I never felt like I could even get happy about it. I could be a good mama. I really could."

Rachel could not hold back from hugging the girl tight to her.

"Oh I believe you could sweetie and I'm glad you know you can. I just don't think you understand all the possibilities or what you deserve. I think you deserve to have someone love you. Really love you, be _in _love with you. It's such a precious thing to be loved like that, Josie. I only knew it for a short time but just having had it sees me through some days. Knowing that someone loved me with his whole being like that…I can't rightly explain but I wish that for you. I wish it for everyone really. I think if more people knew that feeling there'd be a whole lot less ugliness in the world. I couldn't dream of being ugly to anyone while I had the beauty of my Henry's love in my life."

"I already have more than I ever knew to dream of, Rachel. I think asking more would just be more than God ought to be fussing with over just me. I'm happy. I really am. I never thought I could be happy. I didn't think that was something for me but I really am happy."

* * *

The next morning the couple woke feeling much more comfortable with each other. They quickly dressed and Josie collected the food she had packed for him since he had to ride out before breakfast.

"When will you be back?" Josie asked as he finished saddling his horse and led it out to await the hand off.

"Early tomorrow," he told her and it wasn't the first time she had asked or that he had answered. He knew she was just a little nervous to be among the family without him. Everyone loved her and the supper she had cooked the night before had been a success. The guys all raved about her cooking and how if Cody was eating her offerings from now on that he'd soon be far too heavy to ride. But Cody knew that Josie still felt she was only family as an extension of him and without him she wondered for her place. "You will be fine. Everyone adores you, more than me even."

Josie offered a doubtful smile but nodded and turned her head up to him to receive a kiss as they heard the call of 'rider coming'. She watched him vault into the saddle, take the handoff and speed away in a cloud of dust. Josie's shoulders slumped as the dust cloud grew further from her until she couldn't see him at all. She looked up and saw Buck tending to the horse that Ike had just rode in on. She walked over to him.

"I could take care of him for you, Buck," she offered.

Buck looked at her uncertainly.

"How about you help me with him?"

Josie nodded.

"You like horses?" Buck asked her as they headed toward the barn.

"I love them," she answered, "I love riding but Bill doesn't think I should as much anymore."

"He's probably right," Buck said, "At least at much more than a walk. You need to take care of yourself for that baby."

"I know I should," she admitted, "But I really miss riding. I guess taking care of the horses will have to do for a while."

"You don't have that much time left, do you?"

"Little less than four months, I reckon."

"That's not so bad. I mean it seems long now but when you look back on it, it won't seem so bad at all."

"Can I ask you something, Buck?"

Her eyes were big and nearly scared but Buck somehow knew it wasn't him she was afraid of, if indeed she was afraid. He nodded.

"Do you think it's crazy or wrong that me and Bill are staying married? I mean I know he don't love me and I know I don't love him just yet even though I think I probably will in time."

"Well, I guess I might not be the right one to ask," he replied seriously.

"Why is that?"

"My people don't look at marriage the same way as white people seem to," he told her, "I guess maybe I've heard that some white people used to arrange marriages and maybe some still do. That's kind of how my people do it mostly. I guess it might not be unheard of to fall in love and marry the people they love but usually it's arranged. Sometimes it's arranged almost from birth and sometimes it's almost what you might call political."

"I don't think I understand."

"I mean that sometimes a union between two groups of people is made by marrying people from the different groups," Buck explained, "We don't always get a say in who we marry. I like to think there's a respect there from the beginning and that sometimes it grows into love. I won't lie, I think finding someone you love and marrying them sounds nice but I don't think what you're doing is wrong or anything. But then, like I said, I'm probably not the best judge."

"You made me feel better though, thank you," Josie said smiling up at him.

"I guess that's something then."

* * *

Cody loved riding but he felt bad about leaving Josie. He knew the guys would take care of her and that Rachel and Teaspoon would too. She was in the best of hands but then he sort of wanted her in his hands. For once in his life, that thought wasn't a wrong one to have. He loved being with her like that. She was so sweet and almost innocent and yet willing and wanting to please him, which she did. He knew that making love wasn't the same as being in love and he knew better than to make that jump yet but he cared for her. He had told her that at least. He couldn't leave her without offering something and yet he couldn't quite tell her he loved her. He wanted to. He really did but he just couldn't say it and he thought that she couldn't either. The thought occurred to him that if he said it then she would say it back and that might be nice to hear but he didn't want her to say it unless it was true. Maybe when he got home he'd find the courage to ask if she did feel the same or what she felt at all.

Things had sure gotten complicated. Most of the time when he was home, he felt alright about things and less like they were complications. They weren't that bad and he figured the good parts outweighed other things but getting off on his own, the worries started seeping in. He wouldn't be able to keep working for the express forever and he would need to find a place for them both to live. It just wouldn't do to keep living in the house at the station. But then he hadn't ever really figured exactly what else he might do for a living and it seemed to limit the choices knowing he'd be supporting a wife and child.

In time, he let the wind in his face take his worries from him and by the time he reached a town where he could stop and have a little something to drink, he was his typical smiling self. He ordered a sarsaparilla and leaned against the bar to take in the activity of the saloon. He knew some got easily annoyed by the noise and seeming chaos of these establishments but he rather liked them and found them oddly comforting.

"Hey there sugar," he heard right next to him in a voice dripping with sweetness and the promise of seduction. "How's a handsome man like you standing all by your lonesome?"

She was pressed tight to him and he had to admit that her curves felt right good against his trail weary body. He had the time to stay for a little while, long enough at any rate and that was good since he was lost deep enough in her dark brown eyes that he knew he'd not find his way out any time soon. He offered one of his more disarming smiles to her.

"Hello there darlin'," he said, "I guess I was just waiting for someone as pretty as you to take notice. Name's Cody, William F. Cody. What can I call you?"

"My name's Carla but darlin' works just fine too."

Carla leaned into Cody, pressing herself tighter to him and nuzzling into the crook of his neck. Her breath was warm on his neck and she planted tiny fluttering kisses on his neck and up to his ear which she gently nibbled before speaking.

"How's about you and me go on upstairs and get better acquainted," she whispered running her hand along the front of his trousers. "I can tell you like me."

Cody's hands ran over the curves of her hips, longing to touch her without the interference of her clothing. He simply nodded and allowed her to take his hand and lead him toward the staircase. Her swishing hips ascending the stairs in front of him drove all sensible thought from his mind.

Once inside her room, he pulled her to him, undoing her dress even as she worked the buttons on his shirt. His hands worked all over her now naked form as he felt hers roam his chest and down into his pants. His breath was coming faster and he had to have her. He pushed her lightly backward so that she fell onto the bed. For a moment, before she realized she would land on the bed, before she put her well practiced smile of seduction back in place, there was a hint of fear, a pleading to not be hurt. Cody froze. He'd be upset that anyone would think he would hurt her but then he knew sometimes the clientele in a place like this was less than desirable. It wasn't that she was momentarily frightened or wary of him. It wasn't that at all. It was what, or really who, that look reminded him of. Josie. Poor sweet Josie. Josie who had known such hurt in her life. Josie who had been nothing in her days but what some man could use her for. Her father and brothers saw her as nothing but a cook and a maid while Mr. Howell saw her as a convenient release of his tensions. Josie chose him blindly over that life. She placed her life in his hands. And not only her life but the life of her child as well. He couldn't betray that trust. Even if he tried to keep this a secret from her, he would know. The guilt was more than he could take. He grabbed his shirt and jacket and headed for the door.

"Where you going, handsome?"

"I can't do this," he said flatly, "I'm married. I got a wife waiting on me at home."

Carla laughed at that.

"So do more'n half my customers."

"Well, then find one of them because I have to go now."

And with that he walked out pausing only to lean against the wall of the hallway and breathe a sigh of relief that he'd not done what he'd nearly done. He would save chastising himself for being so stupid for the ride home where he'd have plenty of time to berate himself for almost throwing that poor girl's trust away.

* * *

Josie noticed the change in Bill once he was back from his run. For starters, he kissed her passionately as soon as he rode up. It is not that he never kissed her before because he did and he could be passionate but not in front of others. Only when they were alone in their room did she usually get kisses like this one. But then after the kiss he looked ashamed and went off on his own. Josie didn't know what to think. He came in for supper and ate heartily but barely even made eye contact with her. That night he was heading into the house and to bed and she caught him and grabbed his arm.

"It's such a lovely night, Bill," she told him, "Can't we sit a bit a look at the stars?"

He agreed but it seemed begrudgingly so. She snuggled up to him on the porch swing and felt his arm tighten around her shoulders.

Cody was feeling a thousand things at once. He couldn't believe how close he had come to cheating on Josie. And what's more is that he had almost cheated because he had momentarily forgotten he was even married. He had yelled at himself all the way home for that. No decent man forgets he has a wife waiting at home. Some choose to ignore it but they aren't decent either. And even if he was forgetting her, how could he have forgotten the life growing within her? He had stood in a church and promised to forsake all others for her. He knew what that meant and even with the gun in his back, he had said the words without a moment's thought. And it wasn't that his needs weren't being met either. She was willing enough and made him feel good every time she gave herself over to him. He had no reason to want to look elsewhere, did he?

He got home and kissed her with abandon and he wasn't even sure why. Maybe he wanted to let her know he had missed her which was sort of a lie because he hadn't missed her at all or maybe he wanted to try to feel something more for her. Whatever the reason, when he pulled away and looked into her sweet trusting eyes, he felt ashamed of himself. He tried to avoid her even though he knew that was wrong of him. This being married business was much harder than he thought it would be. Now she was next to him on the swing and close and sweet and he sort of wanted her but felt wrong and almost unworthy of her. He didn't want to tell her but maybe if he did then things would feel better.

"Josie, can I talk to you about something?"

"Sure," she said wishing that she didn't have a terrible feeling of dread about whatever he wanted to talk about.

He turned on the swing to face her and then wished that he hadn't. There was such fear and vulnerability in her eyes.

"I got to tell you something," he said wishing he didn't have to and really he didn't, did he? He knew he did or he'd never again be able to look her or himself in the eye. "I done something I shouldn't've. I…well, I was riding and I came to a town and I was powerful thirsty. I stopped in for some refreshment—nothing I shouldn't, mind you. I was drinking my sarsaparilla when this girl came up to me. She worked there, you know." He paused to see if Josie understood what he was saying. He didn't want to have to say the words outright but she nodded even as her brow furrowed.

"She wanted me to…well…she wanted me to be her next customer, I guess," he went on and he could perceive no real expression from Josie. "She was all over me. It ain't fair, those women. They know what to do to make a man not able to think no more. Anyway, she got me upstairs and I damned near…oh hell, I damned near…well, I guess you can figure what I damned near did. I didn't though. I swear it, Josie. I touched her and I shouldn't've. I know that. I promised in a church and everything that I wouldn't do anything like this and I did and it was wrong and I know that. But I thought of you and then I knew I couldn't. I just couldn't betray you like that. Not when I just got you to trust me. I couldn't be unfaithful to you."

Josie's brow furrowed further as her eyebrows nearly met in the center.

"You didn't…because of me? I don't think I understand."

She knew her own father had gone to the saloon for women before her mother had even taken ill.

"I promised I would forsake all others," he explained, "That means I wouldn't be with any other woman the way I am with you. I promised it. And even though there was a gun to my back when I did, Bill Cody don't break promises he makes to women. I'm so sorry for what I did and what I almost did. I shouldn't. You trust me and that's awful special."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Bill."

"I did, Josie," he insisted, "I did do something wrong, something so wrong. I won't do it again. I promise I won't. I haven't even been able to look you in the eye today for the guilt. I feel a little better for telling you but I didn't want to have to. I didn't want you to know what a terrible guy you picked to marry."

"You're not terrible," she said, "You're sweet. I'm not mad. Sounds like you thought I would be. I know men get needs. You had to be away where I couldn't do nothing about them. But you're home now and I can take care of you."

She leaned to him to try to catch his lips but he pulled away.

"See, this is what I mean," he said, "You're too used to being mistreated. You don't even know when someone's wronged you. I wronged you, Josie. You should be mad. You shouldn't want to be with me like that."

"But I'm your wife," she told him looking even more confused. "You take care of me, of us. You're kind and gentle and even if you wasn't, well, I'm your wife. You have rights, Bill. I know that. I ain't dumb."

Every word from her mouth made him feel more a monster for having reinforced in any way the horrible way she had been treated. He reached and touched her cheek lightly.

"You got rights too," he said, "You got a right to expect me to keep my promises. You got a right to be mad if you're mad. You got the right to say no if you don't want to do something."

His words were maybe the sweetest ever to pass her ears. What a good man he was. She could not believe her good fortune to have stumbled on such a good man when she had been in such a frightening place.

"Do I get the right to a good night kiss if I want one?" she asked. "I like kissing. I like the other things too if it ain't wrong of me to say but I like kissing."

This time when she leaned to him, he met her halfway and kissed her, deeply. The feelings that Carla had stirred in him rose once again to the surface but he knew this was allowed. He picked her up and cradled her against him as he carried her into the house and up the stairs to their bed.

* * *

Josie walked into the bunkhouse a couple of days later to the sight of nearly all of her new brothers sitting around the table playing a friendly game of cards with her husband. It was a nice sight and she had even gotten used to how they teased each other playfully. Noah was away and she still had yet to meet Kid or Lou but she knew she would in time. She was bringing a plate of cookies she had just made for a snack. Rachel thought she was spoiling the men but it made Josie happy to make food for them to enjoy. They were always so appreciative when she made them little treats. At first she knew she was nearly bribing them to like her but now she just really held such genuine affection for them that she wanted to shower them with little treats. And it was something to do while she sat through knitting lessons from Rachel. She had never learned to knit from her ma and there were things the baby would need.

The boys all looked up smiling when she walked in. Sometimes she would come in while they were just talking or playing cards and she just sat and talked with them or listened to their stories but more often than not she brought them goodies.

"I think I might be happier about you getting hitched than you are, Cody," Jimmy said reaching for a cookie. "Thank you Josie."

Josie blushed at the compliments that sprang up from the family she felt was more real family to her than any she had known.

"You want to sit for a spell, Josie?" Cody asked looking up but she just smiled at him.

"I don't think I will today, Bill," she said squeezing his shoulder. "I got a few things on the stove for your supper tonight. Something my mama used to make. I think you'll like it but I need to get back to it."

* * *

Kid felt like he had been away from the station roughly forever. He was dirty and tired and hungry and then tired some more. It had been a miserable ride and near to everything that could go wrong did. Things weren't ready when they needed to be, he'd been caught in a sudden thunderstorm one day and had ridden unwittingly through someone else's dispute that was being solved with gunfire another day. All he could think of was getting clean, getting fed and getting some shuteye. As he approached, he heard Rachel call out, announcing his presence. He pulled up on Katy's reins in front of the bunkhouse and jumped down. He moved toward the porch and lifted his eyes. The air was sucked from his lungs and he could hear nothing but his own heart beating in his ears. It was possible that time stopped or the world stopped spinning. Perhaps the world just ceased to exist right then as his eyes connected with hers.

Josie stepped out of the bunkhouse to finish supper. Her mama used to make this dish she simply called chicken and noodles. It was simple really; just chicken in a gravy with noodles and dished over mashed up potatoes. She had always loved it and so had her brothers so she had gotten expert at it over the years. She hoped these boys liked it as well. As she moved through the door Rachel's call of 'rider coming' cut through the air and she looked up just as the door closed behind her. In front of her were a pair of blue eyes belonging to the most beautiful man she had ever seen. All the boys were fine looking men and her Bill was very handsome. But there was something else about the man in front of her now. Her mouth went dry and she felt as if the earth was shifting under her feet. She hoped she wouldn't faint. She wanted to react, to smile, to speak but she was unable. Suddenly Josie didn't even know where she was. The bunkhouse wasn't there, and neither was the station or the sky or anything else she could recognize. Her heart skipped a beat and then beat double time to make up for it.

In another world from where she was, the door opened behind her and an arm around her shoulders brought her back to reality.

* * *

**Yeah...I knew that was coming. So...um...let me know what you think.-J**


	8. Chapter 8

"Josie, this here's, well, like I told you before, we don't know his name so we just call him K-ˮ

"Ben," Kid quickly interjected, "That is…Benedict. Benedict Wiltshire."

Cody stared at him dumbfounded. All the time they'd spent working together and none of them had an inkling of his real name. Cody even had his doubts that Lou knew what Kid's name really was.

"Yeah…okay," Cody continued, "And uh, Kid, this is my wife, Josephine. She likes Josie better though."

Kid thought he might be sick. The word 'wife' hit him like a fist to his gut. He was in love. He knew it the moment his eyes met hers. There was no doubt. He'd felt attraction before. Even felt love but he had never had it strike him like this before. In front of him was the answer to a prayer that passed the lips of everyone still searching for the one they are meant to travel their life with and she was another man's wife. When he left, his brother did not have a wife but then he had been gone a while. His thoughts of cleaning up and getting a nap left him as he nodded a greeting and might have even echoed her polite 'nice to meet you' and then headed into the bunkhouse.

"Ben," her sweet voice called to him and he fought to control himself as her hand gripped his arm. "You must be terribly hungry after your ride. I'm fixing supper now but there's some cookies in the bunkhouse. You make the others share with you."

"Thanks," he mumbled. He didn't trust himself to say more. He still wasn't sure exactly why he had insisted on telling her his name. It just felt…right.

He was greeted with the happy welcoming faces of his brothers when he walked into the bunkhouse. A welcome barely registered through his confusion.

Kid sat down at the table and Jimmy slid the plate of cookies over in front of him. He took one and it tasted like heaven. Of course it would. _She_ had made it. Whatever she was cooking for supper would probably be incredible too. She was perfect, an angel, everything he had ever dreamt of and yet hadn't been aware he was even looking for. Her hair reminded him of the changing leaves in the fall. Her eyes were the sky at its first signs of darkening on a clear summer's evening. Her skin was near flawless as a porcelain doll, the perfection only interrupted playfully by the scattering of freckles. He knew many women looked nice and could cause a response from his body but there was more. Her voice was like wind chimes in the distance calling him home and her hand on his arm…he could still feel the warmth and tingling from where she had touched him, even through his coat and shirt. Maybe if she was someone else it wouldn't be sinful and wrong to want her, to need her, to love her. He realized Jimmy was talking.

"What was that, Jimmy?"

"I just asked what you thought of Cody's big news," Jimmy repeated patiently, "I know we was all shocked when he came riding in with a woman and then telling us they's married."

"It's pretty hard to believe," Kid conceded, "How did it happen?"

"At gunpoint," Buck piped up and went on to tell of how Josie had conveniently pointed to Cody to explain her situation.

"What situation?" Kid asked and the rest of the young men looked at each other strangely.

"You can't tell me that you missed that swollen belly of hers," Jimmy said, "She ain't all that big yet I guess but it's still pretty damned hard to miss."

"She's going to have…" Kid looked around at his brothers who seemed to be wondering if he was feeling alright. "So Cody got her in trouble?"

Kid wanted to march to the barn where he knew Cody was seeing to Katy and punch the man. It went beyond irresponsible. Kid wouldn't have even thought Cody capable of such a thing and to a nice girl like Josie besides.

"No," Buck answered, "If anything, she got him in trouble. Though I don't think he sees it that way."

"What do you mean?"

'The baby isn't his,' Ike signed.

They filled Kid in as best they could and Kid could see that his earlier ire at Cody had been misplaced. Cody had been a good guy through all of this and had done right by Josie. That actually made him angrier. He knew he should be glad that she was being seen to and that Cody was being so good to her after so many hadn't but jealousy won out. Jealousy that he had no right to. Who was he to be jealous of another man's wife? And not just any man but his own brother.

"I need to lay down," Kid said more to get away from the talk about Josie and Cody than anything else. He really wasn't all that tired anymore. Or he should say, he wasn't all that sleepy anymore. He was possibly more tired in a weary right to his core sort of way. But no longer sleepy. Still he knew that after being gone as long as he had that if he said he was tired, the guys would go on with their game or whatever and he could be left alone to at least pretend to sleep.

* * *

Josie's hands shook as she stirred the chicken and gravy mixture and replaced the lid. She had no earthly idea what had just happened but it rattled her to her very soul. Maybe it was her condition. Women acted and felt strange when they were expecting, or so she had heard. Perhaps that's all it was. Or perhaps she just needed to sit for a while. That was it, she would sit and prop her feet for just a while and relax and then she would feel better. She had been very busy that day and on her feet more than Rachel said she ought to be.

She sat at the table in the kitchen and leaned her elbows on the table and ultimately lowered her head into her hands. Her head searched why she should all of a sudden feel so unsteady. She had been feeling right as rain all day. Actually she had been feeling better than she had in a very long time. She wasn't sick to her stomach or weak or easily tired. She found she was getting a burst of energy lately and then she was further buoyed by the way this new family embraced her and treated her. In fact she had been flying very high as she had left the bunkhouse. Her molasses cookies were well received as usual and the way the boys fussed over her made her feel so good and whole. She liked baking and things like that and to have those things appreciated was nice. And they always acted so grateful. Even when it was a regular thing like supper that had to be done, they still thanked her or Rachel. It was nice to be treated so nice.

All of this thought was really not necessary though. Josie knew the exact moment when she began to feel that her world was no longer the sturdy or stable thing she had only just learned to see it as. It was when she had met Ben's eyes. Oh the others called him Kid but he had told her his name which was odd since no one else had known it. But she knew it and that's all he could be to her. She had no idea why she should feel this way about him. He was another brother, same as Jimmy or Buck or Noah or Ike. But something wasn't normal about how she felt when she saw him or the look on his face when he saw her.

Sighing, she determined to think on it some more later. Right then she had to see if the potatoes were ready to mash up and get the noodles in with the chicken.

* * *

The boys all sat expectantly at the table save for Cody who was helping Josie bring things out to the bunkhouse. She had said she could manage but he told her he wasn't about to let her strain herself by carrying too much or making many trips back and forth.

"She say what she was making, Rachel?" Noah asked.

Rachel shook her head, "Just that it was something her mama used to make and it was her favorite. I guess her brothers were fond of it too. All I know is the kitchen smelled wonderful most of the day."

"I'm sure it did," Jimmy said, "Josie ain't fed us nothing yet that wasn't incredible. Honestly Kid, you're in for a treat tonight with her cooking. And that ain't no offense meant to you, Rachel. Just Josie has some things we ain't had before."

"No offense taken, Jimmy," Rachel smiled back, "They do say variety is the spice of life."

Kid was still trying to figure things out. He had left just over a week before and no one was married and Cody was a jokester who ate too much and chased the ladies too much. He comes home and not only is Cody married and seemingly taking good care of his wife but no one seemed to have batted an eye at the development. He also thought, and hated himself for it, that maybe being a marriage of desperation…just maybe Cody didn't really love her or she didn't really love him or maybe even both of those things. It was a terrible thought really to wish his own brother an unhappy marriage but he just couldn't help it.

At last the newlyweds came in with Cody carrying most of supper and Josie having only been allowed a bowl and basket of biscuits.

"Honestly Bill," she said coming through the door obviously continuing whatever conversation they'd been having as they crossed the yard. "I could carry more than just this. I'm not even that big yet."

"I ain't saying you couldn't, Josie," he said trying his best to sound sweet despite his exasperation. "I am only saying you shouldn't. And it ain't even about junior in there. I just don't think you ought to have to carry all of these heavy things and as long as I'm here, I ain't going to see a wife of mine carrying a load I could help with."

Josie smiled at him and, while the whole exchange went right on past the others, it was not lost on Kid. He searched for anything within them that said this was the sham marriage it started out as. But then he could see the smile on Cody's face. He hadn't seen that smile offered to any other woman. The only conclusion could be that Cody had actually fallen for this girl. And he should be happy—for both of them. Cody deserved to be happy and Josie deserved to be loved.

Still Kid could not help but look for holes, for the something missing. Instead what he saw was Cody dishing up a plate for Josie before taking any food himself. If he hadn't seen it with his own two eyes, Kid would never have believed such a thing could happen.

"You sure you don't got no sisters?" Jimmy asked as they dug into the food. "I think I'd consider taking me a wife if it meant eating like this every night."

Josie merely blushed. After her first night cooking for the men, she learned that these weren't really questions but means to compliment her. The rest of the table echoed Jimmy's hearty praise of the meal. Except for Ben who looked up from half heartedly chasing a noodle around his plate.

"Yeah, this is pretty good, uh, Josie."

Her heart fell. All this time waiting to meet him and when she does, he doesn't like her. Or worse yet, maybe he was angry with her. Bill had told her how proper Ben was. How he believed people should act in certain ways and here she was, some cheap and loose woman carrying a child and trapping his friend into marriage. Of course he was angry with her and probably with Bill even for going along with it. Josie blinked a few times and found she was not going to be able to hold her tears off so she stood to leave the table.

Cody stood when he saw his wife stand.

"Are you alright, Josie? You ain't feeling poorly are you?"

"No Bill," she said sweetly placing a hand on his arm. "I just realized the cobbler I made for dessert is still sitting on the kitchen table."

"You can sit back down and enjoy your meal," he told her, "I'll get it for you."

"Thank you but no. I need some air anyway. I think a walk to the house and back is just what I need."

Cody sat back down and watched her out the door.

"Is that normal, Rachel?" he asked knowing none of the men would know one way or the other.

"There's no such thing as normal or not normal when a woman is expecting, Cody," Rachel told the worried young man with a smile. "I trust Josie to tell us if we need to be concerned for that child or for her. She's come a long way in such a short time here."

This piqued Kid's attention.

"What do you mean, Rachel?" he asked trying to sound only mildly curious.

"Oh the poor dear was such a frightened little creature when she got here. She was so ashamed of all that had happened to her and thought we'd turn her out. She's really starting to blossom now. It's amazing what having people care for you can do."

Kid looked down at his plate and the wonderful meal there. It really was every bit as good as the guys said it was. He looked around and noticed his plate was still nearly full while the others were fighting over seconds.

"Are you sure she's alright, Rachel?" Cody asked again, "She looked like she was about to cry."

"Now I warned you her moods would be all over the place."

Kid heard all of it but only one thing stuck with him. She was sad, hurt, about to cry. He hadn't told her the truth, or at least not all of it. He had offended her or hurt her feelings just as everyone else had begun to build her up. He jumped from his seat.

"I just remembered I had a treat for Katy stashed in my saddlebags. I'll be right back. Cody don't you touch my plate. I don't want to miss out on any of that chicken and noodles."

He went to his saddle bags that were just slung over the end of his bed and grabbed them. There was nothing in there for Katy but if he took the whole thing, no one would know that. The door fell shut behind him as he entered into the near dark of late evening. Scanning the yard, he saw her leaning on the porch. As he approached, he could hear her sobs.

"Josie," he panted as he hurried to her side. "Are you alright?"

She quickly wiped her eyes. She hadn't expected anyone to come upon her. She simply planned to cry her hurt out and then get the cobbler and head back to where her husband and the rest of the family waited.

"I'm fine, Ben," she said, "I guess it's just 'cause of my condition. I get weepy sometimes."

Kid suddenly found himself at a loss for words. He hadn't really planned this out or anything. He knew he had to fix whatever he had messed up. He had to talk to her and tell her, tell her…he didn't even know but he had to tell her something. He simply could not be the reason for her tears. Now that he was there he wanted to reach for her, to hold her tight to him, to tell her to let out all of her hurt and let him bear the burden. He wanted to dry her cheeks and push the hair from her eyes. Instead he could only look at her with his arms useless at his sides stammering for something to say.

"I-uh, well, I thought maybe I could help if you needed something carried," he said at last, "I ain't been here like the others and…I just wanted to help."

She nodded and they went into the house and Kid grabbed the cobbler and they both headed out toward the bunkhouse. Josie was trying to figure out why she felt more lightheaded in the cooler air outside. They got nearly halfway to the bunkhouse when Kid stopped.

"I wanted you to know how much I liked that meal you made tonight," he said earnestly, "I don't know when I've had food so good. I'm not sure why I didn't say all that before but I wanted you to know it. Cody's a lucky man for sure, Josie."

He stared at her a moment more and then shifted his eyes away and then continued walking. Josie, however, could not move an inch. He did like it. He was perhaps just shy or something. Still she wasn't sure why his words meant so much to her. The only opinion she should really care about was Bill's and the only time he failed to offer a compliment was when his mouth was too full to speak. She watched him walk away and felt her stomach flip. It wasn't the unpleasantness like when she was sick with the baby. It was closer to the way she felt when she looked at Bill the first time they'd been together, only this was much, much deeper. And when her stomach flipped, the baby did too.

Josie smiled as she wrapped her hands across her belly and hurried into the bunkhouse behind Ben.

* * *

**Hmmm...I'd say more but I don't want to give things away...so let me know what you all think...**

**I know I have darned near neglected all my other stories ffor this one right now but I sort of have to...I have a vision for this one I don't want to lose but I promise I will return to Delia and Jimmy (he's tapping his toe at me and glaring right now and I wonder why because he's not nearly as enamoured with that story as I am)...and Livin as well...that one requires much more research and a map of Detroit divided into precincts and then a dry erase board...basically I need the set up that the profilers get on Criminal Minds when they invade the domain of the local LEO's...Or something close to it...but I promise there will be little treats for you...I wrote a ghost story a while ago and never pposted it here so for Halloween I shall do that...and I have another story coming that will require all kinds of research as well...right now I am researching Ted Bundy for it so that should keep you scratching your heads...and of course, Marcus Mumford keeps whispering haunting poetry in my ears...but for now this is my obsession so I hope you all enjoy!-J**


	9. Chapter 9

Cody entered the bedroom to see Josie in bed frowning over the mass of yarn in her hands.

"Hey there beautiful," he said, "Is that yarn still giving you fits?"

Her lip quivered as she looked up to him with watery eyes.

"I made one," she said helplessly holding up one tiny baby bootie. "And I was so happy but the baby's going to have two feet and I can't get the other one the same."

The tears fell and Cody was pretty sure this was the moodiness that he'd been warned about. He toed off his boots and climbed into bed and pulled her to him kissing the top of her head.

"Relax," he said, "You got time. Give yourself a break. You're just learning. I know you'll get it. The one you made looks real nice."

"You're too good to me, Bill," she said still sniffling but feeling a little better. "I can't even make a simple pair of booties for our baby."

Her words were not lost on him. She had never called the baby theirs before and only rarely referred to the child as hers. But it was theirs now. It would be. He was elated and tilted her head so that he could kiss her deeply.

"_Our_ baby will be just fine. I seen all them clothes you been making for it. And Rachel told me you're taking our old clothes and making a quilt from the scraps. Our baby ain't going to want for nothing with you for a mama."

"You're so sweet, you make me think I can do this," she said turning her attention back to the yarn and needles in her hands.

"Because I know you can," he told her as he got up, peeled his clothes off down to his long johns and then settled down with a book from the stack on his night stand.

He read for a while to the clicking of her knitting needles. He found it oddly soothing.

"Ben seems nice," Josie said softly and then started knitting again. "I'm sorry if I interrupted your reading."

"You didn't," he said, "Well, what I mean is, I don't mind." He patted her leg. "Yeah, Kid's a nice guy…or…Ben. That's going to take some getting used to. I wonder why he did that. He's never told anyone else. Changes the subject if we ask. But today he seemed like it was so important to tell. Makes me wonder what happened on that ride. Maybe something changed his mind."

"You know now," Josie said, "He's just as sweet as the others though."

"They ain't bad guys," Cody agreed, "But I think they're sweet to you because you're so nice."

They sat a while longer with the only sound between them being Josie's needles clicking and her occasional 'darn it' as she dropped a stitch. In time Josie felt his hands on her back and he sat up to reach her shoulders.

"Maybe you'd like to put that knitting down and let me kiss on you a bit."

Josie set her knitting on the table by her bed and turned to find herself staring into Bill's crystal blue eyes. They were filled with such desire that she gave a shudder. But when his lips met hers, something was missing. It puzzled her because nothing had changed really about the way Bill kissed her or touched her. It was tender and sweet and so unlike how she knew things like this could be before she'd met him. But her insides didn't flutter now as they had before. She kissed him back anyway. If he wanted her like that then she needed to go along. He was her husband and she had responsibilities to him that went beyond cooking a meal or darning his socks. And she wanted to feel the bliss he usually pushed her to. But it just wasn't like it had been. For the first time the worry crept into her mind that she might not ever truly fall in love with him. She would care for him and it might be something like a kind of love but not the same as being _in _love.

Josie had thought a lot about love lately. It wasn't a subject she had let enter her head much before but now people talked a lot about it and to her and she thought at some point she ought to have something to say on the subject. She had determined early enough that there are different kinds of love. She had loved her mama a great deal and guessed that she even loved her pa and her brothers. She knew she loved Rachel almost as much as she had loved her ma and almost the same way. Maybe how she felt about Rachel was like how she would feel if she had a sister. Josie couldn't wait now to meet Lou. She would be just like a sister. And Josie loved Teaspoon. She hadn't understood him at first but now she knew that he thought of himself as a father to all of them, her included and maybe the way he was…maybe that was how all fathers should be. And she loved the boys. They were better than her own brothers but then they had been taught better how to act. They were sweet and kind and she had an idea that this is what family was supposed to be. And that's how she felt about them, how she loved them—like family.

With Bill it was different. She was now more sure by the day that she did love him and not the same way she loved the others. But then she talked to Rachel about how it had been with her Henry and it wasn't like that with Bill. There seemed to be a difference between loving and being in love. So she loved him but she wasn't sure if she was in love. Part of it was that he hadn't said it either and she thought maybe she'd feel better if he did. But then she thought it was good he hadn't. If she wasn't in love with him and he said the words then she might feel the need to say them back and if they weren't true then she would just feel terrible. He had said a good many sweet things to her. He cared for her, he liked her, he wanted her but he had not said that he loved her.

Of course, once his hands were on her as they were right then, she couldn't think of a single thing. It didn't seem important if he loved her or she loved him. It mattered that he was gentle to her. It mattered that he took care with her and that he wanted her, not just someone but her. She tried to push out of her mind the voice that told her this wasn't where she was meant to be, that this wasn't love and it wasn't right without love. She tried to hush the voice that said there was more for her than what she had right there. The way he made her body tremble with pleasure helped quiet the voice but did not silence it entirely.

He leaned and kissed her as they were both trying to catch their breath. There was something different in his eyes and she wasn't sure what it was.

Cody looked into Josie's deep blue eyes still clouded with passion. He thought he wanted to tell her something. Leaning to her he caught her lips gently and ran his fingers lightly along her cheek.

"Josie, I-I want you to know that I…really care for you."

Cody let out a long breath. He really thought that he was ready to tell her he loved her. It frustrated him that he just couldn't get the words out.

Josie held her breath thinking this was the moment where he would say the words that would force her to either say she loved him too or admit to him that she just didn't yet. She tried not to look too relieved at the words he did say.

"Do you want me to put the lamp out?" he asked her.

"I think I'd like to try to finish this bootie before I go to sleep," she replied, "If it won't bother you to have the light on."

"No," he smiled at her, "I think after that I could sleep through a cannon attack."

She blushed at his words and then picked up the yarn and needles and began trying to figure out what she didn't think should be all that hard. It was just a baby bootie but for some reason she just couldn't get it. Now she just stared at the yarn and wondered on her feelings. She wondered what Ben was doing right then and then wondered at her odd thought. She didn't know why she should wonder on Ben anymore than any of her other brothers.

Finally she gave up on getting any work done on the bootie for the night. She could hear Bill's rhythmic breathing and sleep suddenly sounded really good. She got up and crossed the room to extinguish the lamp pausing to look out the window a moment. In the scant moonlight, she could make out a shape standing in the yard. Somehow she knew it was Ben. It looked as though he was looking up at her and she couldn't control the shiver that ran through her. It was an odd response she thought and then decided that maybe she was chilled so she quickly put the lamp out and then climbed back into bed cuddling close to Bill where it was warm and safe.

* * *

Kid paused in the yard on his way back to the bunkhouse from the outhouse. He looked up and saw the light in the window. His mind went to what might be happening behind the lacy curtains in that lighted room.

'Stop it,' he chastised himself internally, 'It ain't your business what two married people do.'

But he knew what married people did. Well he knew some of what married people did. Maybe they were just talking or reading or something. He rolled his eyes. There was no way Cody was sharing a bed with that beautiful woman and just reading or talking to her. The thought made him angry and yet it was anger he knew he had no right to. She seemed happy with him and if she was happy with him then there was no reason he should begrudge them their pleasure. Probably he was just jealous because he and Lou were over and he had no one soft and sweet to hold in the night. That had to be it. Of course he knew it wasn't. It wasn't that he missed Lou. He didn't miss Lou. He hadn't even thought of her until now.

As he stood staring up at the light, he saw her. It had to be her. It was a woman in a nightgown. His heart stopped in his chest and he didn't dare move. She seemed to be looking out at him. Maybe she saw him. Would she know it was him in the yard in the dark? Would she think it wrong that he was looking up to her? No, this was not about missing Lou. This was about love. He was in love. He was in love with his brother's wife. Sighing, he headed into the bunkhouse.

He nodded to the guys inside who were preparing for bed. As he climbed into his bunk he mumbled a goodnight to the men who'd become like brothers to him. Men whose brotherly love he no longer deserved. Men he would probably have to leave lest they ever know how capable he was of betrayal. Men who would no doubt send him on his way with a few bruises if they ever knew what was in his heart when he looked at Josie.

"Goodnight Benedict!" Jimmy nearly sang and the others dissolved into laughter.

"Honestly," Noah piped up, "I thought as long as you guarded that secret that there would be more to your name than that. Figured it was really terrible or maybe you shared a name with some notorious criminal…or maybe your pa was a criminal and you didn't want us to know it."

"You try living with a traitor's name for a while and see if you don't get defensive about it," Kid said, "Got called Benedict Arnold enough growing up. Didn't see a need to keep that up."

"You could've just said your name was Ben," Buck offered, "We wouldn't've known the difference."

"Give a little and the rest comes out."

"So why'd you tell Josie?" Jimmy asked, "She's the last person who'd badger you about it."

"It…uh, it just seemed time," Kid replied feeling like he wanted to crawl away before they figured it out. "Thought after all this time that maybe you guys wouldn't make fun."

"We ain't trying to make fun," Jimmy said, "But what do we call you now? Ben or Kid?"

"Whichever you want," Kid said thinking now he could maybe put this to bed and himself as well.

"That sure was some supper that Josie cooked tonight though, wasn't it?" Jimmy asked the others seeing that his friend wanted to change the subject.

"Yeah, I never had that before," Noah said, "She sure is something, ain't she?"

"I was worried for her for a while," Buck offered, "I know they didn't get married out of love or anything and I guess I worried about both of them."

'She seems happier now,' Ike signed, 'More relaxed.'

"She does at that," Noah said, "I never thought I would see Bill Cody acting like he does around her. I think he might really love her."

"I think she might have fallen in love with him too," Jimmy said, "No accounting for taste, I guess."

"I know it was kind of an accident they ended up together," Buck spoke up, "But they might just be a good fit."

"Damned near perfect, I'd wager," Noah agreed.

"You know I had a rough ride," Kid grumbled not wanting to hear another word about how perfect a match Josie and Cody were. "Can we stop the chit chat and get some sleep?"

The rest agreed knowing how early it seemed morning could rear its head. Lamps were put out and the young men all settled themselves for sleep. Kid had said he needed to sleep and he did. He was weary from the ride, tired to his bones. Yet sleep was not coming for him. Instead he had only visions of the silhouette in the window, the blue eyes, the voice like music saying his name—not 'Kid' but his real name. The way she lovingly stroked the bulge in her belly, her smile and even her tears that still ate at his soul. She was better now but he had made her cry all the same. He knew women in her condition cried more easily but he still never wanted to be the one to cause it. He vowed to never do that again. He thought of what might be happening inside the house now, now that the lights were off. Was Cody touching her? Undressing her? Running his hands through her autumn colored hair? He needed to stop this right now. It was none of his concern and he was only torturing himself.

The worst thing was that he wasn't even sure now what to do. If he stayed around the station he would not be able to stand being so close to what he could not have. Eventually the others would see the desire he had for her. Cody would see it too. Things would be enough of a challenge for the couple what with starting as they had and the baby coming so soon. Cody did not need the potential betrayal of his brother. And it wasn't just potential betrayal. The feelings Kid harbored for Josie were a betrayal all their own. He didn't just desire her. Desire faded when the object of desire wasn't around. Desire was physical and he did not deny that he wanted her. He wanted her badly. He wanted her for his own. But it wasn't just the thought of making love to her that he wanted. He wanted nights sitting on a porch swing with his arm around her listening to her tell him about her day. Maybe she would tell him of something the child did—maybe first steps or learning to say 'mama'. And he could tell her of his day in the fields and they would sit longer in silence and watch the stars twinkle in the distance. He wanted to wake and see her face first of all. He wanted to lightly kiss her cheek as she dished a second helping of bacon for him. He even wanted to see her mad, sad, whatever…it didn't even matter as long as he was there for her. He wanted to see the years pass over her. He wanted to be there to hold her weathered hands and brush her hair from her face even once the silver had overtaken it. He wanted—no, he needed—to be there holding her hand when she breathed her last.

The very thought of the eternity that just entered his mind made his blood run cold. He had thought of marrying Lou. He had planned for the things they would do but they were all in the immediate. He never considered growing old with her or being the one to hold her as she left this world. His need to be there for Josie through all life may hand her, hand him…hand them, puzzled him and overwhelmed him. He could feel tears sliding down his cheeks and in the darkness he let them fall.

He rolled over again hoping a new position would bring the oblivion of sleep. It didn't matter what he wanted or needed. She was married and happy and being taken care of. His feelings could only bring her pain. His feelings could only bring pain to everyone he loved and cared about. His feelings would just have to be pushed away.

Kid knew he needed to stop thinking about Josie and start thinking about quitting the express. Maybe he could just transfer to another station. He ruled that out quickly when he remembered he would probably still run into the guys here and maybe even have to pass this way. Perhaps he could venture to California. There was still talk of gold and silver there and there was land he could maybe get. He'd been saving some money. At first it had been so he and Lou could get a place so she could get her sister and brother once they got married but now he was just saving so that he'd have something when the express was done. He knew their jobs were just until the telegraph lines could finish connecting the country. He could leave now and take the money he had. It would be enough to get himself a little place and start on a farm or something and then maybe he would meet a nice girl. She wouldn't be Josie and he would always know his love was somewhere else but at least she could be happy. He would know Josie was happy and taken care of and maybe he would even get letters from time to time that would tell him of how she and Cody were doing.

This was what he had to do. Now he needed to find the right time to do it. That was all. He would have to think on timing and then allow himself to give Teaspoon some notice so he could hire another rider. He gave one last thought to Josie's sparkling eyes and then recalled how she smiled at Cody and how quick Cody was to dote on her and fuss on her. Yes it would be for the best, he thought and only then did sleep come for him.

* * *

**Okay...I knew all that but Kid still kind of shattered my heart there. Damn...I think I speak for all womandom and perhaps all humankind when I say we all need a love like that.**

**So today was not my best writing day but I made it through and tomorrow should be better.-J**


	10. Chapter 10

Kid woke feeling more tired than when he'd gone to bed and he'd already been dog tired to begin with. But he heaved himself out of bed with a great sigh and pulled his clothes on before setting out to get started on his chores before breakfast. If the other guys noticed his ragged state they didn't mention it.

He still couldn't get his mind of off Josie and therefore off of what he knew he had to do. It was hard watching the guys go about their morning—Ike throwing straw at Jimmy and then ducking while they both laughed—knowing it was only a matter of time before he would have to leave for good. Once he left he knew he could never see any of them again. It would just be too hard to see them. He tried to entertain that after enough time had passed he could at least see the other guys and not feel the hole in his gut that he could already feel forming. He even started thinking that maybe he could stay, maybe he'd been being too emotional at night and not thinking clearly enough to make such a decision.

Then Cody joined them and he could see the joviality that he still shared with the others. He could not share it in though and knew he couldn't even pretend effectively. All he wanted to do was punch the smile off of Cody's face. He knew how that smile got there. He'd worn a smile like that before himself and he knew what put a smile like that on a man's face.

* * *

Josie woke in the warm cocoon of Bill's arms. It was safe and good there and yet there was a longing she couldn't place. She didn't even know what it was a longing for exactly. As she stirred, she felt Bill's strong arms tighten protectively around her and she placed a tender kiss on his neck.

"Careful," he warned, "You might just wake something up we don't got time to do anything about."

She kissed him again this time right under his ear.

"I like kissing you," she said, "I never kissed no one before."

He jerked back from her startled.

"No one? Not ever?"

She shook her head and started to realize that maybe he thought there was something wrong with her.

"How? I don't understand, Josie. You're going to have a baby and you never been kissed before me?"

"Mr. Howell…well, I wasn't allowed to touch him or nothing—not that I wanted to. He was disgusting. But he never kissed me. He touched me but it wasn't gentle like you do and he would…I don't even know the word for what he done. Weren't about love so it couldn't be making love. He never kissed me though. Actually one time said I wasn't good enough to be kissed."

Her last word was cut off by Cody's mouth covering hers. That her lips had been so neglected for so long was something akin to sinful in his eyes. For all Bill Cody was or wasn't, he was most certainly not a man who neglected beauty. He was fully capable of showing a female appreciation for existing and making the whole world prettier just by standing there.

Josie whimpered softly as his tongue plundered her mouth. It felt good to be kissed, to be declared worthy of such a thing. In no time she felt the hands caressing her body through her nightshift. She let her hands go where they wanted as well and soon they were each flopping back into their pillows panting.

"Well, good morning," Cody said smiling and still fighting to catch his breath. He rolled to her and placed a kiss to her tummy. "And good morning to you too."

Josie giggled and Cody once more covered her lips with his own.

"Good morning, beautiful."

He got up and began to pull on his clothes.

"I'd better get a move on before I get too much ribbing from the guys."

Josie laid in bed a short while longer. It felt good to be with Bill but it didn't take away the longing she had, the empty spot gnawing at her insides.

* * *

Kid kept his head down working and hoped attention wouldn't turn to him. It didn't as the guys were more than happy to needle Cody about why he was getting such a late start on his day. Kid wanted to punch them all. His eyes jolted up when he saw her cross the yard toward the barn with a basket hooked over her arm. Kid's heart leapt to his throat and pounded there. To his great chagrin, Cody hurried to her and took the basket.

"Those chickens get mighty protective of their eggs, Josie," he explained as he headed to the hen house. "I can't risk you getting pecked to death. I'll get the eggs."

It would be so much easier if Cody didn't deserve her, if it was in her best interest to woo her away from his brother. But Cody was being a wonderful and doting husband and Kid once again thought how the only decent thing to do was leave.

Josie watched as Bill braved the wrath of the hens and then suddenly felt as though she was being watched. She looked around and her eyes connected with Ben's deep and endless blue ones. She suddenly felt unsteady and looked around frantically for a place to sit down. There was none so she just leaned against the outer wall of the henhouse. Soon there was a hand strong on her shoulder.

"Are you feeling alright, Josie?"

It was Ben's soft voice in her ear and the shudder it sent through her nearly knocked her off her feet.

"I don't know, Benny," she said as if confused, "I just suddenly felt faint."

Cody looked up at hearing her speak and saw her looking pale and shaky. He nearly dropped the basket.

"Josie?"

"I'm alright, Bill. I just got wobbly," she replied and then turned her attention to the man next to her. Her pulse raced once again as her eyes met his. "I think I just need to sit down for a little bit."

"I'll help you to the house," he told her gently, "Just lean against me."

She needed to lean on him. He needed to help her but her body that close to his was killing him. He wanted to heft her into his arms and run off somewhere secluded with her. He could hear her breathing rapid and shallow.

"It's okay," he soothed her, "Relax."

Kid wished he could relax. He shouldn't have been staring at her but then if he hadn't been staring, he wouldn't have seen her look frantically for a place to rest and ultimately slump against the building. It tore at him to see her looking in such distress. He'd dropped the pitchfork in his hand and run to her. There was nothing else he could do. Now he both needed to hold her tighter and get away from her. But she leaned to him with such trust. And she called him 'Benny'. His lips turned up at the corners at that. It had seemed so natural for her to call him that and it sounded so musical from her.

At last they reached the porch and Kid assisted her up the stairs and set her gently into a chair.

"I'll get you some water," he offered daring to glance into the deep blue pools of her eyes.

"Thank you, Benny."

She marveled at how the name rolled off her tongue and momentarily feared that he would be angry that she had called him that but he just gave her a sweet smile and she somehow just knew that she had not overstepped.

* * *

Breakfast was the usual chaotic event with everyone trying to talk at once. Cody had not let Josie help Rachel serve the food.

"You need your rest," he had said, "You need to take care of yourself for that babe."

The others all agreed. So there Josie sat feeling useless. She hadn't cooked any of the meal, wasn't allowed to serve it and the way Rachel was looking at her with concern told her she wouldn't be cleaning the dishes either. Maybe once she sat and sewed for a while, she'd be allowed to make some lunch for the boys—or at least some cookies for a little treat.

She looked across the table to Benny and saw how haggard he looked. It worried her. She knew he had been on a very long ride and he had come home looking like Katy and dragged him at least part of it. Today he almost looked worse. He was still handsome but he looked so tired and maybe even sad. No, there was no maybe about it—he looked as if his very heart was breaking. Bill had told her about how he and Lou had broken up, that he hadn't wanted to, that he had wanted to marry her. That must be it. She just had to try to cheer him a little.

"Benny?" she ventured across the table drawing his sad eyes to her and also drawing snickers from the others. "I already asked the others this but you weren't here to ask. See, I like being able to make all you guys things that you'll like. So I asked everyone their favorite foods and treats. Those cookies yesterday were for Ike. I think I almost have 'em like his ma used to make him."

She looked at the silent young man and he nodded with a wide smile that warmed her heart.

"Anyway, if there's something you especially like for supper or some treat your mama used to make you or whatever…please tell me."

She didn't mean for her words to sound so desperate but she just had to know how to make him happy.

"Ma's cooking was pretty simple mostly and we didn't have much money for her to ever get to fancy," he began, "But sometimes at Christmas she would make these little star cookies. She'd come from Germany as a girl and they were something her ma and grandma taught her to make. Zimtsterne she called them. They ain't much but a spice cookie I think but they meant happy times for me and my brother."

"I ain't never had such a thing before," Josie said fascinated with his story of his childhood and completely oblivious to the expressions of her new brothers as they marveled that she got him to disclose more of himself in two days than they had the entire time they had been working together.

"Maybe I can find out how to make them, Benny. Sometimes the foods our mamas made for us are the only things to remind us of the good times. Why that stuff I made last night…when I have chicken and noodles, I still got a ma who loves me and brushes my hair at night and sends me off to school with a kiss."

Her eyes quickly dropped to her plate as she realized she had said far too much.

"I'll uh, I'll see about finding a recipe for them cookies."

* * *

Josie sat on the porch with the mending and watched the men work. They worked the horses and joked together. She had worried so for Benny and his weary sadness but then Jimmy said something to him and she saw Benny's head rock back and even heard the hearty laugh as it wafted across the yard. It was magical to hear. His whole body seemed to laugh and he removed his hat allowing her to see the way the wind tousled his soft brown curls. He ran his hand through his hair and for a moment her breath caught as she imagined her own fingers tangled in those sandy brown locks. She fancied she could see the sparkle in his blue eyes from where she sat and when he smiled again—that looping little boy smile—she nearly fell out of her chair. He was beautiful, there was no mistaking that.

"Are you feeling better?" Rachel asked drawing Josie's attentions away from the men and making her jump in the process.

"Oh yes, thank you."

"Well good," Rachel told her, "I need to visit some new neighbors this afternoon. I'd appreciate it if you'd see to getting the boys their noon meal."

"Sure Rachel. I don't mind at all," Josie said jumping up almost too fast and nearly knocking herself over.

"Don't you spoil them too much now."

"I don't spoil them at all. They're sweet and I just want to see them happy."

Josie watched Rachel leave and then went to the kitchen to find something she could make for the boys to have for lunch.

After she had fed the boys, Josie settled back onto the porch with the knitting that was still vexing her completely. She was quickly distracted with watching the men work. When they were eating and joking with each other, they could be boys but when they were working, they were men. They were fixing a weak spot in the corral fence and she couldn't look away even though she knew she should not stare at their bared chests. It was a hot day and she didn't blame them for shedding their shirts but it made it awful hard to focus on the yarn in her hands. The men were all handsome and strapping men.

She looked to find her husband. His body always set hers a quiver and it wasn't improper to stare at him. They were married after all. But she just could not draw her eyes away from Benny's broad shoulders and the way his muscles rippled under the tufts of hair on his chest as he hefted the long piece of wood with Jimmy. Suddenly she felt too warm, flushed even. Her dress was suddenly too tight even though it was one she had just made to accommodate her growing belly. Her mouth was suddenly so dry and she reached for the cup of water next to her which she nearly spilled as her hands were shaking. She placed one trembling hand on her belly and rubbed the protrusion there wondering what this child was doing to her.

She knew she needed to tear her eyes away and start supper but she was just powerless.

* * *

Kid looked over and saw Josie sitting and working at her knitting. He knew he shouldn't torture himself by looking at her but her words at breakfast haunted him. She had such a gentle soul, so giving. He'd rarely met anyone like her. It was all the more reason he needed to keep his distance until he could quit and leave. There was no way he could risk tempting fate anymore than he already had. It was bad enough that he had betrayed his brother in thought. If he did it in deed also he wasn't sure he could live with himself.

She stood and he still could not take his eyes off of her graceful movements as she collected her knitting and headed into the house. He was brought from his thoughts by a hand smacking the back of his head. Kid whirled around and his bewildered eyes found Jimmy smirking at him.

"Don't know where the hell you are but the rest of us would like to get this finished before we miss out on whatever Josie's cooking. You wouldn't want to make us late for supper, would you, Benny?"

Kid glared at Jimmy and then shifted his focus to the work at hand. Soon they were finished and washing up for supper as Rachel was riding back from wherever she had gone.

* * *

Rachel walked into the kitchen to see Josie diligently chopping vegetables for a stew for the boys. Jimmy had said something about his mama making venison stew with lots of vegetables and how it was so good he only recently realized that she only made it to trick him into eating his vegetables. She was snapping in beans and chopping up carrots and potatoes and had even been able to collect some mushrooms.

"That smells wonderful, Josie," Rachel observed, "Something special for Jimmy tonight?"

Josie nodded.

"Tomorrow I think I'll try to make some fried chicken like Noah said Sally used to make for him."

Rachel patted the girl on the shoulder and pushed her sleeves up to begin helping.

"So I figured a way to solve a problem for you," Rachel offered.

"What problem?"

"Those cookies that Kid mentioned. I went to visit the family that just moved near here a month or so ago. They are from Germany. I had Mrs. Schmidt write down the recipe for you."

"Really?" Josie asked growing excited.

"I do think you spoil those boys too much but Kid has been so sad lately. After what you said today, if those cookies help him feel better…well, it can't hurt anything now can it?"

"That's what I was thinking," Josie agreed, "I'll make those tomorrow. He'll be so surprised."

* * *

Teaspoon was trying to get the boys to settle for supper but was unsuccessful until the women came in with the food.

"What smells so good?" Cody asked and Josie smiled over at Jimmy.

"Venison stew with vegetables," she answered, "I tried to make it like you described what your ma made."

She dished up a healthy amount onto Jimmy's plate and then squeezed his shoulders.

"You tell me if something ain't just right."

"It looks perfect," Jimmy said masking the emotion he felt at seeing and smelling what he hadn't truly had since his mama had died. If he closed his eyes he could remember her smile as she watched him devour vegetables he'd usually balk at eating. "Thank you, Josie."

"It's the least I can do after how you all have been so good to me."

The boys all dug in and this time it was Kid who was the first to comment.

"This is really delicious, Josie," he said, "Really. If you grew up on food like this, you had it good, Jimmy."

Josie just beamed.

"Thank you Benny. Rachel helped a lot."

"You did most of it," Rachel deferred.

They all settled into conversation. Josie listened to their tales of the trail and their complaining about how hard it was fixing the fence earlier in the day. It was all like music to her. She watched Benny especially close. His eyes still looked sad.

Kid tried not to look at Josie. He complimented her because he could not risk making her cry again. He could not bear the thought of hurting her feelings. He fought to be normal. It was the toughest thing he had done in his life. But he simply could not risk anyone noticing what he felt, what he wanted, what he knew in his heart. If they even suspected…no, he could not even entertain the thought. It was too awful. So he smiled when it was right to smile and laughed at the jokes and spoke when it would be expected of him. He felt good about his performance—and that was what it was after all. The others seemed to be buying it. He knew that the others had wondered about him through the day and how easily distracted he had been. But all their questions seemed to have been laid to rest. The only one who didn't seem to believe his smiles and conversation was Josie. He caught her furrowed brow as she passed him the biscuits. Her eyes bored into his asking, worrying for him. He forced a smile to tell her he was fine but didn't think she bought it. Her concern lingered on him a moment longer until Cody asked her something and she turned to answer him.

Kid breathed a sigh of relief he hoped no one else noticed.

* * *

Later that night Josie was trying to sleep. She just couldn't. The sadness in Benny's eyes at supper bothered her. And she didn't even know why she thought to call him Benny. In truth she hadn't thought at all. It just came rolling from her mouth as if she had always known him.

She rolled over again. She was tired and she and Bill had made love which usually helped her fall asleep but nothing was helping tonight. She rolled her eyes realizing that she needed to relieve herself. Fresh air would be good for her, she decided, and quickly dismissed the thought of the chamber pot. She got up and pulled a shawl over her shoulders and made her way downstairs and out into the cool air of the dark night. She paused a moment as she reached the bottom of the porch steps to let the breeze flow through her hair. Then she hurried to the outhouse and did what she needed to do. Once she finished, she came out and looked toward the house but that wasn't where she wanted to be right then. The night air felt so good and she decided that since no one else was around that it would be fine to stay out for just a while longer. Maybe some more air and a little stroll around the yard would make it so she could fall asleep once she went back to bed. She didn't want to be gone too long in case Bill awoke. She didn't want him to worry for her but then he always slept like the very dead after they'd made love.

She found herself drifting into the barn. The horses were a comfort to her and she needed some comfort. Without thinking she walked past the other beasts in the stalls until she reached Katy.

"Hey pretty girl," she cooed as she stroked the horse's muzzle. Her hand fell to her side as she recalled the day. It was funny, she couldn't remember much about Bill after he'd graciously took her basket and braved collecting eggs for her. After that her memories of the day were all of poor Benny. How he had held her tight to him to escort her to the porch when she felt faint, the way he spoke of the cookies his mother had made for him. How tender and gentle he was when he saw to Katy…she thought that was probably the way he would be to a wife and even to his children someday. How his muscles rippled as he worked on the fence and then the way he tried to smile and tell her everything was fine when she knew darned well it wasn't. He was just trying to keep her from worry. It was so sweet and yet she saw through it so she worried anyway but it was sweet of him to try.

She just kept staring into space, oblivious to everything around her and the passage of time.

* * *

Kid tossed and turned and could not get the worry in Josie's big blue eyes from his mind. Somehow she knew. She just knew. It was as if she could look into his soul. He could not hide a single thing from her no matter how he tried. He wondered if that also meant that she knew of his true feelings. If she did, she offered no sign to that effect. Perhaps she just chose to ignore how wrong he was being, how inappropriate. It would be like her to save his feelings like that, to not call him out on it, to treat him just like one of the others. She was kind like that.

He sighed and got up. Sleep was just not coming for him. Pulling on only his pants and boots, he headed outside hoping that the night air would clear his head so he could sleep later. He didn't know how many nights he could go with next to no sleep.

He had no real aim when he walked out but as he usually did when he needed to think, he headed for the barn. He knew the others chuckled about how much he loved Katy but she seemed to understand him and it calmed him to spend time with her. She was the only female in his life he could figure out.

Kid came to a halt when he stepped into the doorway of the barn. Josie was there and she was right in front of Katy's stall. He inched closer knowing all the while he shouldn't but she seemed to not even be aware of her surroundings. Her head turned and she still seemed to not see him even though she was looking right at him. She took one step and her foot hit in a dip in the dirt floor of the barn. Kid saw her spring back to the present as her face looked shocked and scared and she began to fall toward him. He quickly took the step needed to reach her and caught her before she could injure herself. Josie's hands came hard into his chest to brace herself and then she looked at him. She turned her face up to him and looked deep in his eyes.

Josie didn't know what had happened. She had been thinking about poor Benny and his sadness and then had sort of decided to go back to the house but when she took a step she started to fall. One hand went to her belly to protect her baby and the other reached to brace herself against the impact that was sure to come with the ground. But then someone caught her. Her hand didn't hit the hard dirt; it hit a warm and muscular chest. She looked up and into his eyes. Those eyes that so often held sadness now held fear and worry for her. His eyes were deep, endless and there was something else in them. Something she hadn't seen before. She'd never seen it from any man but it was there and although she'd never seen it before, she knew it at once. It was love. He loved her.

Josie's mouth fell open and Kid couldn't stop the gravity that seemed to pull him to her like the moon pulling the tides. Her eyes were so open, so pure…he belonged there. He did. For all his roaming and all his denying who he was and concocting the air of mystery he had only ever desired a place to belong. He had found it right here in Josie's eyes. She felt it too. He could see that clear as day. Her head moved toward his as his was drawn to hers. There was nothing that could stop what happened next and when their mouths did meet it was as storm tossed waves crashing into a rocky shoreline. It was hard and passionate and so right.

She felt right in his arms. She fit there. Kid held her tight to him and lifted her to back her into a hay bale and set her atop it. Their lips never parted as their hands roamed freely. His hands ran up her thighs pushing her nightshift up around her waist. He was pressed in between her legs as her arms tightened around him and found their way into the top part of his union suit yanking so hard at it that the buttons tore free. Her fingers raked over him like fire as she pressed herself just as hard back against him. His lips trailed down her neck as she threw her head back in ecstasy uttering his name in something equal parts growl and whimper. He ground his hips into her as her hands began to fumble with his belt. They were a tangle of breathless passion lost in the heat and sense of destiny between them. Behind them, something momentarily spooked Katy and she shifted and bumped the side of the stall. It was enough to break them from their impassioned embrace.

They parted abruptly and just stared at each other panting and completely stunned.

Kid needed to say something. He needed to explain himself. There was no explanation to be found. He had…oh dear God…and with his brother's wife. Still he had to say something.

Josie just stared at him and then looked down and realized that she was nearly exposed as she sat on the edge of the hay bale. Her hands trembled as she tried in vain to tug the garment back into place and then gave up and grabbed her shawl and pulled it tight around her shoulders. She tried to look away from him but his voice drew her eyes to him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean-ˮ

"I know. I never…you must think-ˮ

"No…I don't. I can't expl-ˮ

"I-I just have to go. Goodnight Benny."

She stood too quickly and he thought he might have to catch her again but she steadied herself. He watched her head to the door of the barn on shaky legs and then turn to offer him one last look. In it he could see fear and guilt but also desire and…love! She loved him too.

"Goodnight Josie," he whispered to the empty barn long after he had heard her go back into the house.

* * *

**Um...well...I'd say something but frankly I'm too busy clutching my pearls and frantically looking for my smelling salts. Special thanks to Myrtle who took a steamy scene and bumped up the thermostat.-J**


	11. Chapter 11

Josie closed the front door of the house behind her and just leaned against it. Her lips were tingling and her whole body was vibrating. She wasn't an innocent and she carried a child but she felt as if she'd just been touched for the very first time. That touch at once dominant and tender awakened something within her she'd never known was there. In those few moments with his hands on her, his lips pressed to hers, she was whole.

Her knees wobbled and she had to sit down as the last two days flooded back to her. How she felt every time she looked at him. How it broke her heart to see the hurt and sadness in him. How her spirit soared every time she saw his smile, heard his laugh. How somehow she saw something in him…forever. She saw forever.

She felt dizzy from the whole thing and somehow made her way upstairs and into bed, not even noticing the man softly snoring there already.

* * *

Kid stayed a while in the barn and collected himself before heading to the bunkhouse in a fog of conflicted emotions. What should have been euphoria over finding his heart's true desire and knowing she felt the same was clouded with guilt. He undressed and lowered himself into his bunk and stared into the darkness willing away the thoughts of how soft her skin was, how her fingernails raked over his shoulders, her breathy voice saying his name.

Eventually exhaustion won out and sleep claimed him. His dreams were a comfort to his worried soul. He saw her rocking a child with the sun streaming in the window bathing her in soft golden light and turning her soft red hair into a halo. He saw the peace in her then. He saw his hand entwined in hers as they took a walk on a crisp fall day with a curly headed boy running ahead of them. He couldn't even tell where his hand ended and hers began. He saw her belly rounded once again and children around her skirts. The boy from before and another boy and a girl besides. He saw himself walking into the kitchen to see Josie and the girl laughing and covered in flour, the cookies they had been planning to make all but forgotten.

He saw himself dancing with her to music only they could hear and then could feel, even in his dream, her hair brushing his chest, her hands roaming his body. He could see her eyes cloud with passion as their bodies moved together. This was not the frantic heat that had just happened in the barn but slow, deep, intimate. This was two who knew each other, knew the body of the other as well or better than their own. He could hear her pleasured sounds and knew they were only for him.

* * *

Sleep had found Josie an easy target as well and the dreams that came to her were the nicest she'd known. She found herself again in that warm and sunny bedroom with the cozy quilt on the bed and the lovely dressing table. She rocked the babe in her arms feeling its weight against her and its sleeping breath on her chest that had been partly exposed to feed the child. She could see out the window to the changing leaves of fall against a bright blue sky. In time she felt hands strong and warm on her shoulders and looked up into Benny's smiling eyes.

He raised his eyebrows in question as he motioned toward the cradle and she nodded relinquishing the baby in her arms to him. He gently set the child in his bed while she buttoned her dress back up.

Then he turned to her so fast it almost startled her. His eyes were strange, desperate, pleading.

"I got to thank you, Josie," he said and the tone of his voice nearly frightened her. He was fearful of something, she thought. "I need you to understand what you've given me. I need you to understand what this means to me. You…him," he continued nodding at the sleeping child, "It's everything. I don't know how to put it all in words but I need you to understand it. You made me whole and I didn't even really know I was missing anything."

She held him then, held him tight as if there was a way to tell him what he was to her just by holding him tight enough to her. Maybe there was. Maybe that's all it took was holding someone tight enough to let them know how much it hurt to ever not be holding them.

Josie saw another day too. She was in a kitchen, not unlike the one in the house at the station but she knew it was a different place all the same. She stood alongside a girl with light brown curls who stood on a chair to reach the counter. They were mixing things in a bowl to make cookies. Soon enough their serious baking lesson turned into a flour fight and they were both covered in the white powder and laughing so hard they had tears trickling down their cheeks making a paste in their tracks.

She turned and saw Benny in the door of the kitchen trying to look stern but a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth. On one hip he held a young boy that looked just like a smaller version of himself. At his other side a boy with reddish curls held his hand.

"Papa!" the girl cried and ran to him throwing her arms around him and coating his trousers with flour. He patted the girl's head and smiled at Josie.

She felt her heart swell at the sparkle in his eye and the sight before her. Then there was another image. She was backing out of a room and softly closing the door behind her when she nearly screamed at someone wrapping his arms around her.

"You startled me," she whispered.

"Are they asleep?"

She nodded and he pulled her into the sitting room and wrapped her in his arms and began to sway. They danced and she giggled softly and never for a moment thought it odd that even without music they found the same rhythm to dance to. In time there was less dancing and more kissing as Benny's lips captured hers and she tangled her fingers into his soft locks. He lifted her into his arms and carried her to their room. It was the room she had dreamt of rocking her baby in and she knew it was the room she shared with her beloved. Clothes were quickly cast aside and soon she saw herself atop him. She looked into his eyes filled with desire and so much more. She saw every hurt he'd endured and every joy he'd known. She trailed kisses across his chest and then straddled him. She saw their bodies move together and felt the pleasure build within her until her back arched and she bit her lip to stifle her pleasured cry that would surely have awakened the children.

* * *

Kid awoke shaking and drenched in sweat. He looked around at the other men in the bunkhouse and was thankful none of them were awake. Living together they had all awakened from a dream such as the one he had at one time or another. It was nature and they could not control such a thing but he wasn't in the mood for teasing or taunting at the moment. That they were still asleep meant that he had time to get cleaned up and put on a fresh union suit before they did wake. The state of the buttons alone would have been cause for questions that he dared not answer.

He knew the time was right to leave or at least to announce that he was leaving. He could say that it was time, that he wanted his own place. That he couldn't face Lou on her return and at least that last was true even if it wasn't for the reason they would think.

Lou. That was a problem within itself. He had told her he loved her and he had. He knew it to be true even still. He would always have a place in his heart for her as he would Doritha. In fact, if Lou had said yes, he would have married her and they would have been happy. He would always love her some but she had made her choice and it wasn't him. She needed him to be someone he wasn't as much as he needed the same from her. And that wasn't wrong even. They needed things and neither one could give them. He had tried but concern wasn't a bad thing in his mind. It was part of love and she just wasn't ever going to see it that way. He loved her for her fire and independence but that wasn't going to stop him from worrying. He worried for everyone he loved and often when she was the maddest was a time when he would have voiced the same concerns about Jimmy or Buck. She just wouldn't see that though. He tried to understand her and he tried to love her like she wanted to be loved but it just wasn't his nature and he never got why he had to change his nature for things to work while she didn't have to give an inch.

It didn't matter and it wasn't worth getting worked up over. Things were finished between them. What mattered was getting out. Except now he felt he couldn't do that. What had passed between him and Josie the night before would keep him in his place. If he had been the only one to feel the connection, he could walk away. But he just knew she felt it too. Perhaps it was just the magic of the night or perhaps she was half asleep. But he knew she was aware. It was his name she whispered in his ear. His hair stood on end once again as he recalled the way her breath ghosted across his skin.

He wished he could talk to her but he knew he could not. She was with Cody. She was in his bed—their bed. He even allowed a horrid thought that maybe she was loose. Maybe her story about the banker was a lie because she didn't know who had gotten her in trouble. They had no way of knowing what kind of girl she had been. Perhaps she was only playing at the frightened innocent who had been coerced into giving up her virtue to an unscrupulous man. But he knew different. Just as she could look in his eyes and see that his smile was false, he could detect deceit in her and there was none.

She was as she claimed. She had been used and mistreated and maybe she wasn't really in love with Cody. Maybe she just didn't know anything but mistreatment for so long that his kindness to her was love in her eyes.

Cody. Damn it, why did he have to think of Cody? She might not be in love with Cody but he was growing more certain by the day that Cody was in love with her. Now he could argue that Cody fell in love more often than they changed horses on a run but this was different. He was actually putting Josie before himself, placing her needs ahead if his own. That was not the Bill Cody that Kid knew. If it wasn't really love then it was something close enough that what Kid felt for Josie and what he believed she might feel for him would crush the man. Cody was too good of a soul to do that to. Kid splashed water on his face and tried once more to clear his head.

* * *

Josie woke flustered and glazed with a sheen of sweat. But she was smiling. Her body still pulsed with the heat, the pleasure, the love of the dream. A life with a man she loved, one who loved her, the children they would have…it was so perfect. So right. She lay there basking in it until she felt Bill shift next to her.

Bill! She was married. She was married to a good and kind man with a big heart and unending patience for her.

She thought again of her dream and the more she thought on it and the events of the night before, the more she felt wrong. Everything she felt was so wrong. She wasn't even worthy of the dear man lying beside her. He was her husband. If she was going to have these feelings and thoughts, they should be about him. He deserved it. He had earned it and she did care for him.

He woke and rolled to her. She knew he desired her in the mornings…and at night…and really all the time if she could allow that. It felt good in its way to be desired. He kissed her and she returned his kisses but they felt wrong. He touched her but that didn't feel right either. He pushed up her nightgown and her mind could only fly to the night before when a different set of hands pushed that same garment upward.

This was her husband. Not the man in the barn. Her body was not responding as it normally did but he had rights and she had obligations so she bit her lip to push back the tears that threatened and forced a smile. She ran her hands over him but there was no love or passion fueling her movements. She knew that and it broke her heart on some level to understand that. Her legs spread to accommodate him and he kissed her once more and then looked at her as he fully planned to settle between those legs.

Cody looked at Josie's wan complexion and saw the moisture in her eyes. He wasn't the most observant man in the world but even he could see she was not into this. She was just going along because of the ring on her finger. He settled back beside her.

"What's the matter, Josie?" he asked, "Ain't you feeling good this morning?"

She shook her head still fighting the tears that wanted to come even more at his sweet and tender tone to her.

"Are you alright? Should I get Rachel for you?"

"No Bill," she said and she was moved by how quickly his want of her had been replaced with concern, how his hand had reflexively gone to her middle as he asked how she was. "I think if I just rest a bit more, I'll be fine. I'm sorry. I know you like to start your day…well, you know."

He brushed her hair away from her face gently and looked into her eyes.

"Don't be sorry," he said softly before planting a gentle kiss to her forehead, "You feel clammy. Are you sure I shouldn't get Rachel to come look in on you?"

"I'm sure," she smiled weakly at him, "I'll just rest a bit more and then I'm sure I'll be feeling my old self."

Her fingers trailed down his chest and he took her hand in his and kissed the tips of those fingers.

"Maybe tonight you'll feel a little more like having me close."

She nodded.

"Yes, tonight."

She allowed him to kiss her again before he rose from the bed and began to dress and head out for his day keeping a steady stream of words. He was trying to perk her up, she knew but it wasn't helping at all. She only half listened to him and merely smiled and nodded to him.

Once he left the room she fought the tears. She was a married woman, married to a good man even. And she was a woman in love, passionately in love. The only problem in her life was that the man she was in love with was not her husband. There was passion and pleasure and a life she was destined to live out there waiting for her to take it but she could not. If Bill was a bad man, if he mistreated her, was cruel or even inconsiderate then maybe she could think about leaving him or trying to. But he was a good and kind man. He had been wonderful to her when she had basically ruined his life. She could not cast him aside and then if she did, what did that make her? She knew full well what to call a woman who flitted from man to man always going where the grass looked greener. It was what her father had called her the day he had found out about the baby growing in her belly. Whore. He'd called her a dirty, no-good, whore.

But he loved her in return, didn't he? Her Benny? Somehow she just knew he did. She'd known it from the first moment their eyes met. He loved her. It was wrong and she could not have him anymore than he could have her but what they shared, while it might have looked tawdry to some, was precious, beautiful even. Perhaps it was enough to know that love existed for her. To know she _could_ feel that for someone and he could feel it for her. It would have to be and there was something good in the knowing. It somehow wiped out the memories of before—how she would feel as she hastily reclothed herself after every revolting encounter with Mr. Howell—more cleanly than Bill had done. She was worth the love, the passion, the forever. She was. Her tears dried, she got up and dressed. The smile on her face was not forced or false in any way.

* * *

Cody left the room and knew the others would figure out his morning hadn't gone as it normally did. He wasn't upset although he knew Josie worried about that. She was expecting a child after all and if sometimes she felt poorly then she just did and he had to learn to take such things in stride.

He got out to where the others were just starting on the morning chores and knew immediately that they knew.

"Looks like someone missed out on his morning dose of loving today," quipped Noah.

"Josie wasn't feeling well," Cody explained defensively, "It happens when a woman is in her condition."

"She alright?" Jimmy asked and while no one noticed it, Kid's head shot up to hear more closely the answer.

"She says she is," Cody replied, "But she looked awful pale. She said she just needed some extra rest. I don't doubt it. She works too hard, I think."

He did think it too. She was always cooking something for them and then doing all the mending. In addition, she'd had to make herself new clothes to allow for her growing form and she was making things for the baby as well. He felt bad that he asked so much of her but then she usually acted as if she enjoyed it as well.

Still he thought he should be more aware of her. He worried that there had been other times when maybe she didn't feel so good and had gone along with his desires out of her ideas of what it meant to be a wife.

As he worked, he worried more and more for her clammy skin, the way she shook and how devoid of color her face had been. It wasn't normal. Usually she had every bit of the glow that people claimed women about to have babies had. It was completely gone this morning. He would talk to Rachel anyway. He had a short ride that day. He would be leaving after breakfast and would be back shortly before supper but even though it was short; he needed to know someone was looking out for Josie.

He saw Rachel crossing the yard to collect the eggs for their breakfast and he went to her.

He quickly explained the morning without going into any detail of what they were about to do. He thought she maybe knew anyway but it wasn't anything that needed talking about in mixed company.

"Do you think I should look in on her?" Rachel asked.

"She said she didn't need you to," he answered, "But if she ain't down for breakfast, I think one of us should. Mostly, I'd just appreciate if you'd keep an eye on her. She don't always speak up when she feels poorly or gets tired or whatever. I worry for her and the baby. I'll feel a whole lot better on my ride if I know she's being looked after."

"Of course I will," Rachel assured him.

* * *

Kid watched as Cody came out the door and walked toward where he and the others were working. It was wrong but it lifted his spirits a little to see that Cody wasn't wearing the self satisfied smile of the day before. Somehow he just knew they had not made love that morning. It was too much to ask that they never did again. They were married and Kid knew that they would be together, they were sharing a bed and they were both healthy and young but for that morning, she was all his and he could have his memories of the night before unspoiled by the knowledge of another man's hands on her.

His thoughts on what had not happened in the little bedroom that morning were confirmed when the others brought it up but then he worried when Cody said Josie wasn't well. She could be sick or something could be wrong with the baby and he was selfishly delighting in the fact she hadn't been intimate with her husband.

Kid kept a watch on the front door of the house and eventually Rachel came out but Josie did not. Rachel and Cody huddled in hushed conversation looking very serious and Kid's worry grew. He could not bear if anything was wrong with her. But he also could not ask. He could not look too interested. He had listened when Jimmy asked after her but that was the most he could allow. Breakfast was being put on the table when Josie joined them in the bunkhouse. She wore a smile and it was genuine. She didn't look unwell and she nodded in answer to something Cody whispered in her ear before kissing her. She looked well enough. Perhaps she had only been worn out as Cody had suggested. She did work very hard. And he had heard women in her condition tired easily, especially the closer they got to their time.

All he knew was that he was grateful she was at the table even if he could not openly tell her so, even if he could barely speak to her. She was well right then and it was all he could ask for—the only thing in the world that truly mattered.

* * *

**This is just so tough on all of them. But I think raises some very real questions. As always thanks so much to my dear Myrtle...also known to faithful and wonderful readers as Signefalls...this is truly a co-authored piece that she is graciously letting me take credit for.**

**Not having my best day but at least it has not affected my writing...just not enough sleep and nothing going quite as planned...you know those kind of days that I ought to be used to...two teens and these are really my norm more than the exception. Anyways...let us know what you think...is this keeping up to the same level? We hope...this story has taken on importance and power that I never dreamed when I wrote the simple opening scene...I thought it might even be light and comedic (yeah apparently I haven't ever met me).-J**


	12. Chapter 12

Kid was quiet through breakfast. He was able to stop his hands from shaking but still could not get past how deeply it had rattled him to think something might have been wrong with Josie or the baby. He realized that her life was suddenly so entwined with his that he wasn't sure at all that he could survive if anything happened to her or to that child. The child he would have to watch himself to not refer to has _his_ child. But that was how he thought of it. He wasn't sure how such a thing could happen. He only knew that the baby was a part of Josie and that he loved it as sure as he loved her. Josie was his too even if she wasn't and couldn't ever be. She was the rest of him, his heart, his soul. But he knew he could not truly have her. It still ate at him that he had given in to his desires the night before. He hated to think what would have happened if Katy hadn't made a noise. He had her nightgown pushed up around her waist and she'd gotten his pants nearly unbuckled.

He had to stay close to her. He had to be able to see her, to know she was alright. But he knew he could not risk what had happened in the barn the night before happening again. He would have to take great pains to avoid her. He couldn't do it in any way to dray suspicion but they could not take chances. He knew if he looked too long in her eyes and for sure if he touched her that he would probably not be able to control what would happen. And that was something that simply could not happen.

Josie was disappointed when Benny only glanced at her. She was sure he looked relieved to see her and guessed that maybe he had even worried for her. She wanted to be able to inquire if he'd asked after her but knew she could not. She tried to catch his eye but he would not look at her. Perhaps he was ashamed. Maybe they both should be. She sat next to her husband and felt his arm protectively around her. It should make her feel good to have that kind of loyalty and care shown her and yet his wasn't the arm she wanted around her.

She wanted Benny to hold her, to worry for her, to kiss her. She shivered at the memory of his lips firm to hers, his tongue roaming her mouth, the way his kisses trailed down her jaw and neck.

"Are you alright, Josie?" Bill asked and Josie was almost annoyed by his attention to her. "You ain't catching a chill are you? Are you cold? Do you need me to run in the house and get your shawl? Are you running a fever?"

He felt her forehead and she nearly ducked away from him.

"I'm fine, Bill," she replied and wished she didn't sound so exasperated with him. He was being so sweet to her after all and doing what a good husband should. And that was really the problem. While he was being a good husband, she was being a terrible wife. Of course she knew he wasn't always a good husband when he was away from her and it started to make her mad to think on that too. She could see now that what he had done was wrong. She knew he apologized for it and he hadn't even needed to tell her but all that mattered to her in the present moment was that he had done those things with that woman. But she pasted a smile on her face for the man anyway. "I just had a shiver. Mama used to say something like someone must've walked across her grave when it happened to her. It don't mean nothing."

"Aw Josie, you know I just worry for you…for both of you," he said and tenderly rubbed her belly. She wasn't sure about his feelings for her but the ones he held for the babe were genuine. He would love this child like his own, she was sure of that as she was of her own name.

"I know you do, Bill," she said and the sweetness she gave him was genuine. He was a good man. She had turned his life upside down and he'd barely batted an eye. Not many men would be so calm about it or treat her with the respect he had. She knew she had gotten lucky and a part of her did love him. She knew that and nothing would or could change that. "You are so sweet to us."

"Will you promise me something, Josie?" he asked suddenly very serious. She nodded. "If you feel even the slightest bit not right, you tell Rachel and you get some rest. Will you do that for me?"

"I will," she agreed.

* * *

Josie had never been so tied in knots. On the one hand she was overjoyed to know what Benny felt for her, what she felt for him and on the other…well, she felt terrible. Putting aside the reasons that she could not be with her love, the man she was with was good and kind and did not deserve this. He should have a wife who loved him and she wasn't sure she could truly be that—not like how he should have anyway. She'd try because she knew it was right. The only consolation—and it was a double edged sword unto itself—was that Bill didn't love her either, wasn't in love with her. She sighed thinking of how the rest of her life needed to be spent in a marriage without this deep, passionate love while out there in the world, heck in the yard, there was one who could give her this passion, this fevered need and deep and true love.

But she was going to choose to be happy that she knew this love at all. It was all she could do. She went into the kitchen and began pulling out ingredients while humming a tune. Mrs. Schmidt's writing wasn't the easiest to read but Josie managed. Soon she had the first of many pans of the little star shaped cookies in the oven and baking even while she set to work rolling and cutting more. She could see why Benny's mama had only made these for special occasions. They were kind of a pain but then she imagined the smile that might cross his face when he smelled them, tasted them and it warmed her heart. She knew last night could not happen again but she could give him something. She could pour all of her love into these little treats and maybe he would know…he would know what she could not say, what was forbidden.

* * *

Kid could not get breakfast out of his mind. He had caught Josie's eye just for a moment and seen the love shining there and his heart soared but then immediately Cody became the doting husband. Josie did not need him to take care of her. She had a good man to do that. Cody would see to her and the baby and care for them as he should. And really Kid had nothing to offer her that Cody didn't, except himself and that wasn't all that much.

He had smiled while Cody had kept an arm around her, had rubbed her belly, had fussed over her and made her promise to get some rest. It was what was expected of him. He was supposed to be happy for his brother. And he would have been if not for the overwhelming things he felt for that man's wife. It had nearly killed him as he watched her see the man off on his ride. She had given him a peck on the cheek which Kid could handle but then Cody had gently taken her face in his and said something softly, very serious. Kid was sure that it was making her promise once again to take care of herself and the baby and rest and tell Rachel of she felt bad. Then—and although Kid tried to look away, he could not—Cody lowered his face to hers and kissed her. Really kissed her. It was deep and loving and all Kid wanted to do was stride over and punch Cody. He tried to distract himself with work but soon found himself distracted from work by a smell. It was something he hadn't smelled since he was a young boy. He followed it and soon found himself walking into the house. He knew he should knock but he was lost in some fog of memory.

Kid was transported to a time when things weren't so bad at all. When they were almost happy. He was maybe eight or nine. There was snow on the ground outside, a rare treat to have a white Christmas and rarer yet that there was a Christmas tree in the front room of their tiny house. From the kitchen came a heavenly scent of cinnamon and the sound of music. Here, in Rachel's front room, the only thing missing was the Christmas tree and the sound of the crackling fire to ward off the winter chill. The same scent of cinnamon hit his nose as the dulcet tones of Josie singing invaded his ears.

"Though by your kindness my fond hopes were raised, long, long ago, long, long ago," she sang sweetly as she rolled dough onto the counter. "You by more eloquent lips have been praised, long, long ago, long ago."

He was transfixed on her. Watching her push the rolling pin with her whole body and then deftly cut the shapes and flip them onto a metal sheet for baking. She sang as if lost in another time and place as she brushed the tops of the unbaked cookies with egg whites.

"But by your long absence your truth has been tried, Still to your accents I listen with pride."

Josie was lost in the song and so it startled her enough to make her stop singing when a husky baritone obviously rusty at singing joined into the song. He seemed to be living in the same memory she was and she thought perhaps he was…perhaps this was something he had heard a thousand times from his own ma.

"Blessed as I was when I sat by your side. Long, long ago, long ago."

Josie just stared at him as his voice almost tentatively finished the song. His eyes were distant, remembering. The fragility in them right then shook her and she dropped the cutting tool from her shaking hand. He didn't even look before he grabbed it and handed it back, their hands brushing against each other. The contact, although brief, sent shivers up Josie's body.

"I hadn't heard that song in forever," he said almost as if to himself, "I don't think I even knew that I knew the words."

"My ma used to sing it all the time," she said softly, afraid to break the spell of this nearly sacred moment with him.

"Mine too."

"My ma had a beautiful voice."

"So do you," he told her openly.

"Thank you, Benny," Josie replied raising her eyes once again drawing strength from the look he offered, the genuine nature of his compliments. It was then that he looked to the counter and saw the many stars, some cooked, some still waiting for their turn through the oven. The cinnamon scent hit his nose again.

"Are those Zimtsterne?"

She nodded, "Rachel found a recipe. I only hope you like them."

"I'm sure I'll love them," he assured her before sighing and remembering what he really needed to do.

"Josie we have to talk."

He knew it was true. They couldn't just leave hanging between them what had occurred in the barn but he also needed to be close to her for just a bit longer, soaking in her smell, the softness of her hands even as they were covered in flour, the wide eyes that looked so deep into him he knew they saw every crevice in his soul.

"I know," she said and raised those wide blue eyes to him.

"I'm sorry…It was a mistake. You see that, right?"

"Yes."

"We can't…"

"I know…It would kill him."

"No one can ever know."

"Not ever."

"We have to stay away from each other, Josie. We can't take chances. It would be too easy…"

She nodded. They said all the right things, the things that made them not monsters. But their eyes told another story. Their eyes sought the heat, the passion, the deep abiding love from the night before. Their eyes begged for it not to have been imagined. Their eyes yearned for that forever, that life that should have been theirs if only…if only everything was different. If only it had been Kid riding through town instead of Cody. If only Cody wasn't being such a good and stand up guy. If only…well, as Teaspoon might point out, "If only things was different then they wouldn't be the same."

Kid heard someone, he thought maybe Buck, calling his name outside. He knew he needed to get out of there. He pulled himself away from her pleading eyes and headed for the door.

* * *

Josie walked into the bunkhouse with the plate of cookies. She supposed they hadn't been that much of a pain to make but it seems that the recipe just made thousands of them and all the rolling and cutting had worn her out. But she was fully planning on sitting down and enjoying a few with her brothers and that would surely restore her energy for the rest of the day.

The boys all perked up as she entered the small structure.

"What wonderful treat do you have for us today, Josie?" Noah asked as the boys gathered around the table.

"Oh, I can't ever say it right…but they're those cookies Benny's ma used to make him for Christmas."

"Zimtsterne," Kid provided, "They smell just like what Ma used to make."

He took one and bite into it and his eyes fell closed. They were wonderful. They might even have tasted better than what his ma had made. Memories flooded back to him. Memories he usually tried to avoid. Not bad memories but memories of people and things he would never see again. He opened his eyes to see Josie looking at him, studying him.

"These take me back," he explained, "Christmas…we usually didn't have much and Pa, well, he didn't go in for much but being left alone to drink. But one year, somehow Ma managed to get him to agree to cut down a tree and we strung popcorn and wrapped it around the tree. I don't guess it was really all that much to look at but I thought it was the prettiest Christmas tree that ever there was."

"I'm sure it was lovely, Benny," Josie spoke up, "We didn't have many Christmas trees either, or presents."

"Ma made sure we had gifts," Kid told them all but really he knew he was just speaking to Josie. He just felt a need to tell her things. "Might just have been a new shirt or pair of pants she made us or new mittens she knitted but we got something. That year though…I got a rifle. She talked Pa into getting me one so I could help hunt and provide for us."

The other young men in the bunkhouse weren't quite sure what to make of this. All the time they had spent with Kid and not even known his name. Josie knew him only a few days and was getting not only his name but childhood stories from him. Of course she was a dear sweet girl and her treats made them all think of the happy times, made them realize that the memories of the bad times don't have to come with the happy ones. They can just remember the good. That the bad hadn't totally overshadowed it.

Rachel had been sweeping the floor when Josie came in. She had been as grateful for a chance to take a break and eat a little treat as the boys had. Having Josie around had been so nice. She truly had come to love the girl and was loving even more seeing her blossom. At first Rachel had balked at Josie's insistence on taking over so much of the cooking but now she knew that Josie genuinely liked to cook and Rachel frankly could take it or leave it.

Rachel had to admit to getting a little misty eyed even when Josie had asked after her favorite foods and vowed to learn to make them. The girl was precious and the only thing that still upset Rachel in the situation was that she didn't feel the married couple was bonding well. Josie loved Cody in her way but Rachel knew that it wasn't all it could be. There was something to be said for being loved, knowing someone was passionately in love with you. It could take a person's breath away to be on the receiving end of that all consuming passion and Rachel knew that whatever affection Cody had for Josie, he was not in love with her. But Rachel new that better that the feeling of being loved was the feeling of being so filled with love for another person that it would overwhelm a body. Rachel remembered looking at Henry and feeling like she might just burst with the love that welled within her. Rachel could see this was not the kind of love that Josie felt for Cody. It made her sad for the girl.

Leaning against the table and nibbling a cookie, Rachel saw something different in Josie. There was a light within her that hadn't been there before. What was more was that she was bringing that light to all the boys, especially Kid. She had worried so for Kid. He hid so much and the break up with Lou hurt him far worse than he ever let on openly. To see him now reminiscing about his mother and a happy Christmas was sheer beauty to Rachel. She loved these boys with her full heart and wanted the best for them. She saw them allowing themselves to remember the youngsters they had once been and to find the moments of joy that made the hard times more bearable. Josie brought a special brand of love to them and for that Rachel was incredibly grateful.

Even now Rachel saw something almost magical happening. She could see a strange body language between Kid and Josie. Kid wanted to tell her things and she wanted to find them out. As shy as Josie was, as tentative, she kept at Kid, drawing him out, encouraging him to open up. Rachel could see Kid try to stay closed to her, to them all but wasn't able to. Even when one of the others would take over the conversation, Josie would catch Kid's eye as if asking if he was alright. It was a beautiful thing to be sure.

The cookies were good but Rachel knew she had to get to bringing in the wash that she had hung earlier. Josie had offered to hang it but with as weak as the girl had been that morning, Rachel didn't feel good about letting her. But now it was dry and needed to be brought in.

At the table the guys were still talking but mostly they were listening. Kid was talking about the first time he shot a squirrel with the rifle he got for Christmas and how proud he was. How it was the first time he remembered getting a kind word from his father. It wasn't gushing or anything but the man had said he'd done good and that was worth more than outright words of praise from anyone else.

"Your ma must've been happy too to have another man helping keep meat on the table," Josie said, "I guess that's one thing I can't complain about. My brothers were kind of a pain and weren't the sweetest but they could hunt when they got off their backsides to go and do it. They could fish too. I always had plenty of things to cook for supper. Reminds me, I can make a squirrel stew that will make you think you died and went to heaven if any of you want to shoot a few of the little buggers."

"I could do that for you," Kid offered, "I ain't had squirrel stew in forever."

"Don't reckon many of us have," Cody said as he closed the door behind him. "Is that what's on the menu tonight, my dear?"

He came over and looked into Josie's eyes for a moment before pressing his lips to hers.

"No, not tonight but as soon as someone gets me a couple of the critters, I'd be glad to make it."

She looked him over. She worried for all of the boys when they left, knowing how dangerous their travels could be.

"I'm glad you're home," she said and she meant it, "And safe."

They shouldn't have but her words cut into Kid. He shouldn't begrudge this and really they all should be happy every time any one of them came home safe. But it ate at him all the same as did her willingness to let Cody kiss her and when Cody leaned and kissed her again, a much less proper type of kiss. It nearly killed him. He knew how sweet her mouth was. He knew it and he wanted it all for himself.

Cody smiled at her when the kiss ended and Josie still had to admit that the man had a beautiful smile.

"With a wife as pretty as you waiting for me," he said, "I have to make sure I come home safe."

Josie was afraid her eyes would give her away so she dipped her head knowing Bill would just think she was being shy or modest. She patted Bill's face and then declared that if she didn't start supper soon that they wouldn't be eating before bedtime. As she headed to the bunkhouse door, she patted Noah on the shoulder.

"Don't spoil your appetite, Noah. I'm frying some chickens tonight. I think I can make 'em close to how you say Sally used to."

* * *

That night Josie sat and brushed her hair and waited for Bill to come up and to bed. She wasn't sure she really even wanted him to. That was a terrible thought but a part of her wanted to change her mind. To ask if they could still just annul the whole thing, say it was a mistake or not real. But he looked at her so sweet and she didn't want to hurt his feelings and she didn't want everyone to hate her. They would too. Sure they liked her cooking and she liked to think they actually liked her but that would change if she hurt Bill. And she didn't want to hurt him.

It wasn't the first time that she had thought that she should have just left after that first night like she had thought she wanted to or at least thought the others wanted her to. She had brought pain to everyone or would in time. Unless she could pretend well enough. If she could pretend like she had been then Bill would never know and neither would anyone else.

Her thoughts went to Benny, so sweet and so filled with passion. She wanted him but that only made her a wanton woman and that wasn't what her mama tried to raise. Benny was right, the night before had been a mistake, one they could not let happen again. He had also said he was sorry and she had wanted so badly to tell him she wasn't, to tell him what it had meant to her but she had lacked courage and now she would lack opportunity. They had to stay away from each other. They could not take chances like that anymore.

She heard Bill's boots on the stairs and finished brushing her hair and turned to him with a wide smile. He crossed to her and placed his hands on her shoulders as he stood behind her.

"I'm glad you're feeling better," he said, "I was really worried for you."

"I worry for you too when you're gone," she told him softly. It was true. He was so sweet to her that she could never wish him ill.

He bent and kissed the top of her head and let his hands roam toward her breasts caressing only to where the curve began and then he straightened and began to undress. She stood and went to him. This had been her choice after all. She'd had so many chances to make a different one. Though it didn't seem quite fair that she didn't know all the options until the choice was made but still she had made it. He wouldn't have even come in the house the first night if she hadn't said to and he wouldn't have made love with her if she had said no. He'd offered to court her, to take things slow and she hadn't taken those chances. If she had, this wouldn't even be an issue. But now it was and this was her life. She was married to this man, this good and kind and handsome man. He had taken her in when no one else would. He shared his family with her—his most prized thing of all. He had let her see a life where she could keep her baby. All he wanted was what a man should expect from his wife. That wasn't so much really, was it?

Once she reached him, she began unbuttoning his shirt and then she pushed it off of his shoulders. She dispatched with his trousers the same way and then his undergarments. He stood before her nude and with his desire evident. Josie closed her eyes and swallowed. Bill had been the one to teach her that there was pleasure in this act. Perhaps she could at least find that. Her fingers grazed over his chest as his stroked her face, tracing the freckles across her nose.

"You are so pretty, Josie. You really are. I know you usually look down or blush when I say that but you are. And not just because of what we're about to do. You really just are beautiful. I'm a very lucky man, Josephine. I know I am. Lots of men don't know how lucky they are but I do."

His words nearly made her weep. They were so kind a sweet and to have them come when they did, with the things she knew, the things she had done and nearly done. Frantically her mind searched for anything to make her feel like less of a monster. She would try to find the passion with Bill. He was who she would make love to for the rest of her life anyway. Maybe that fire, that passion could be found anywhere she really wanted it to be. Maybe last night she had really wanted it to be with Benny. But maybe if she wanted it to be Bill badly enough then it would be and then she could stay away from Benny all the easier.

Cody needed to say those words. He was seeing Josie grow more confident every day and really that only made her prettier to him but she was a pretty girl anyway. She always had been. Even with her dull hairstyle and her frayed dresses, she was a pretty girl. He had always thought so. He expected her eyes to drop or her to look away from him but to his delight and surprise he saw those large blue eyes raise to meet his. He could not place the look in them right then. She stepped closer to him and one corner of her mouth turned up. One hand left his chest and ran along his jaw.

"You are a handsome man Bill," she said seductively, "I think I might be the lucky one. Kiss me."

Cody licked his lips and stared at her mouth. He wanted to claim it but first he needed to make things fair. He reached and lifted her nightgown over her head and let it drop to the floor and then his mouth nearly attacked hers and she returned his fervor.

He kissed her deeply and with as much passion as he could muster. His hands roved her curves. She pressed her body to his and tried to make it feel like it had with Benny. But it didn't. Bill pulled her onto the bed with him. He touched her and kissed her and caressed her and told her she was beautiful and sweet. He told her poetic things about her eyes, her lips, her mouth, her breasts. It didn't matter what he said, nothing was going to make this feel like it had with Benny. That desire, that heat, that wild abandon was not to be conjured at will, it seemed.

* * *

In the bunkhouse, Kid was not sleeping, he was not moving and for the most part he didn't even feel he could breathe. His fists clenched under his blanket, balling and releasing with the anguish of knowing where Josie was, what she was doing, what he was doing with her, to her. He had no right to her. He had no right to feel as he did but he loved and needed her and knowing that another man's hands were on her was more than he could bear. And he did know it. Deep inside this was not just an assumption of what Cody would do with a beautiful woman in his bed. This was a knowledge. He felt it to his core that right at that moment, Cody was ridding her of her nightgown, touching her, kissing her, joining with her. It killed him to know all of this and there was nothing he could do about it.

* * *

Josie kept her hands moving over Bill's body. She wasn't feeling a thing. It was not the pleasure, the bliss he could usually muster within her but she could never let him see that. So she made the right sounds and said the right things and touched him in the right places. Her legs spread and their bodies merged and she tried. In the short time she and Bill had shared a bed, she had learned from what her pleasure was derived. She tried to move in those ways almost desperately but all she could think of was that this was the first time that she truly felt like a whore. She had been called one but had never felt like one before. Whores were not good people. She was a good person. Even with everything she allowed Mr. Howell to do to her, she was a good person. She did those things for her family. It was more than any of them would have done for her and they proved that when they turned on her when she was in trouble.

She hadn't felt like a whore the night before in Benny's arms or even after when she realized what she had done. But now, knowing her love was elsewhere and she was trading her body for security, for a roof over her head…all the while she knew that he knew what was happening. She thought she could almost feel his hurt, his suffering at the knowledge. And she was no better to Bill even though he didn't know it. At present he was holding off his own end for hers. She cried out as she usually did when she reached her bliss and he followed. But hers had been a lie. He kissed her and she nearly shrank from it and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

Sleep was harder for Josie to come by. She was the worst woman ever and she didn't even know how she got to this place. She was a simple girl who never even had a sweetheart. She'd never even been kissed and suddenly she was in a situation where she was just a diversion, a release for some man with more power than he should have been given, maybe more than any man should have. And then being near to cast out and now with two men who wanted her and only one who she wanted for her own. Once she was secure that Bill was asleep, she wept. She had been a silly little girl dreaming of fairy stories to think that she would get a happy ever after. Those didn't really happen and if they did, they happened to other girls, nicer girls, girls that knew how to be proper ladies.

She didn't know what to do. She didn't know how she would keep this ruse up or for how long it would be possible. She didn't know how she would face Benny the next day now that he knew. One thing she did know, she could not make love to Bill anymore. It was wrong. It was wrong to lie to Bill and it was wrong to be so unfaithful to a love like Benny and if she opened her legs once more purely out of duty or desperation, she didn't know how she would find the strength to go on. She had been being built up into something that felt like a whole person. There was the way Rachel would hug her like a sister and how Jimmy and Noah and the others would tease her mildly or compliment her or thank her for the smallest things. It was how Teaspoon spoke so gently to her and the love she saw burning like an ember in Benny's eyes. Those things made her closer to whole than she had ever been or thought to be. But if she kept lying about what she felt for Bill, not in words but with her body, if she kept letting him have her when she did not love him, if she kept denying who she loved, she would lose all she had gained.

She wasn't sure how she would manage it but she knew she had made love to Bill for the last time. Her decision made, she finally was able to fall asleep.

* * *

**Sorry this one took so long but I knew there needed to be a lot of things contained in here. Thanks as always to Myrtle who makes this happen and has the key to the match closet for this story. We still have a long way to go but Myrtle and I have organized the basic events of the rest of the story. Aaaaaand Myrt has an idea for a potential sequel! I cannot talk about it right now but I think the opening for a sequel will be obvious when this story ends. Very exciting but if there is a sequel, Myrt will be writing it because I just don't think I can. My hands will be too full. So anyway, Now that we know where we're going, this should go faster and it has to. I have a month to do this. I made a commitment with my oldest that we will both do nanowrimo this year. I know what story I am writing and it should traumatize people completely. mwahahahahahahahhaa! **

**So please tell me what you think. Myrtle and I are really putting ourselves into this and we really hope it is speaking to the rest of you too.-J**


	13. Chapter 13

The sun was only beginning to consider its ascent to signal the start of a new day when Josie woke. Bill was sound asleep next to her. She quietly got out of bed and quickly dressed before walking to his side of the bed and shaking him awake.

Cody blinked and looked up into the smiling face of his wife. She really was beautiful and he thought she had become even more so in the last few days. Maybe he had just come to notice it. He smiled at her and the night before came back to him. He never dreamed that being married would be like this. He had thought he would get married eventually but thought it would be a while before he wanted to be tied down to just one woman. But having relations with the same woman every night wasn't so bad at all. It was actually kind of nice to not have to work that hard to get a woman into his bed and he was learning what Josie liked too which was nice. Cody had many faults but he was never known to be a selfish lover. Hearing her pleasured cries the night before had been almost as good as what he was feeling.

"Morning beautiful," he said, "You're up early."

He was a little disappointed that she was already dressed and ready for her day. He would have liked to love on her a little bit. But she looked chipper this morning and that was good. The day before she had worried him so with her pale, clammy skin.

"There's so much work to be done," she explained calmly, "I been sleeping in too much. I think the others might be surprised to see you out so early."

"I expect they might at that," he smiled at her and got up to begin dressing in the clothes she had laid out for him. "Did you sleep well?"

She nodded and gave a small smile.

"You?"

"I think you know by now what you do to me, Josie. You wear me out. I slept like the dead."

Josie knew he had and for that she'd been grateful. Sometimes he didn't fall right asleep and he wanted to hold her and talk and that was nice in the beginning and she supposed she could even still see some appeal to it but the night before she had too many of her thoughts to sort through and none of them were the kind of thing to bring up to her husband while in bed. They weren't things she ever wanted to have to tell him at all.

She put a smile on when he walked to her still finishing buttoning his shirt. He reached and stroked his fingers over her cheek.

"I meant all I said last night, Josie. You are beautiful and I am one lucky man to have you."

Josie blinked back the tears and took his hand in hers.

"You're too sweet to me, Bill."

* * *

Josie made her way to the kitchen feeling even worse about things than before. It was one thing to know that she couldn't ever make love to the man she married again and know that she was saving Benny's feelings, it was another to have Bill look at her so sweetly and say such kind things to her. He tried so hard and she felt terrible that she could not love him. As she began to get out the ingredients she would need for breakfast, her mind played over every sweet thing Bill had done for her. The very act of marrying her was something. Sure he had a gun to his back but it's not like anyone would know outside that small town. He could have dumped her anywhere he wanted. He could have insisted she give herself to him the first night…or at all. He had only ever accepted what she offered willingly. He never demanded and he never even tried to beg her for it. He was always respectful to her. She never had to carry a thing if he was around. He talked sweet to her and told her she was beautiful and he was lucky. He wasn't lucky. She was. He was…well she didn't know what to even think about what he was. She knew that somehow she wanted to be with Benny. She wanted him always. She knew she could never share in marital relations with Bill again and she knew she could put him off for a while but not forever and she had no plans for then.

Benny's words from the day before came back to her. It was a mistake, it couldn't happen again. He was sorry. Her heart fell that she would eventually have to give up and be a full wife to Bill. She was filled for a moment with despair but then she couldn't let that show. So she pasted on a smile and took up a basket to head outside to collect some eggs. She needed them for the batter for hotcakes and then the boys would want fried eggs too. They sure could eat. It was a good thing that she was used to cooking for large appetites.

She made it onto the porch before she stopped dead in her tracks. She could hear the boys laughing as they did their early morning chores and she knew she could not go out there. She could not face him. But then she could hear Bill whistling as he came down the stairs. She felt trapped. She couldn't face Bill. She knew she wasn't going to be able right then to hide her feelings and she could not face Benny knowing that he would know—he already knew. She just somehow knew that he did. Her face blanched and she stopped right where she was. It only took a moment for Bill to reach her. He didn't even think but he took her basket.

"I wish you'd keep trying to brave those chickens yourself, Josie," he said, "I don't think it's safe what with the baby and all. I'll get the eggs. I think Rachel is seeing to getting some milk so I'll send 'em in with her. How does that sound?"

She nodded and found her voice.

"Thank you, Bill. Tell the boys there'll be hotcakes for breakfast."

"I will. No one will be late to the table, that's for sure."

Josie nodded noncommittally and headed back toward the kitchen. She was grateful that she wouldn't have to face Bill again until breakfast. Though she still dreaded the meal and knowing that she would have to somehow face Benny.

* * *

Josie brought the food in for breakfast with the help of Rachel and brightened when she saw the eager looks on the faces of her brothers. They were so sweet. She put the food on the table and quickly pulled back her hands as the boys nearly fought over the hotcakes.

"Easy guys," she half laughed, "I made plenty."

It was then that her hand brushed his. There was a jumble of arms and hands hovering over the platter of hotcakes and they were hardly distinguishable from one another but she knew the moment his arm brushed against her. Her skin seemed to buzz with the energy of it. Josie's eyes lifted to his and the raw pain to be found there stabbed deep into her soul. He knew. He knew what had happened. He knew how Bill had touched her. He maybe even knew how she had tried to enjoy it. He knew and it broke his heart. She looked quickly away. She just could not look into those wounded and tortured eyes another moment.

Kid saw her blanch and knew the look in his eyes had to be harsh, angry even. He couldn't let her think he was angry with her. He was upset at what he knew had happened but it was not her fault. She was in an impossible position.

"Josie, these are the fluffiest hotcakes I think I've ever had," he said in a desperate plea to return her eyes to him.

Warily Josie looked back to him. He was smiling at her. She searched his eyes and the pain was still there, the anger, the things she didn't even know how to name. But there was something more. There was forgiveness. He didn't blame her. He knew she'd had no choice. He still cared for her.

"Thanks Benny. I just make 'em how Mama taught me."

Cody sidled up to Josie right then placing an arm around her shoulders and Kid had to work to not growl out loud at his anger over the scene in front of him.

"You're being too modest, Josie. You say they're the fluffiest you've had, Kid…I'll wager the fluffiest anyone's had. Ain't nothing my wife can't do better'n anyone if she puts her mind to it."

Josie realized what he was saying—that he wasn't only talking about her cooking anymore—and was nearly mortified.

"Bill, stop," she blushed but he was not taking the hint.

"No really Josie, Mrs. Sprague is going to be in for a rude awakening at the Founder's Day Festival because every cooking contest will be won by Mrs. William Cody."

The last he emphasized by pulling her tight to him and wrapping his arms around her. To the others it looked as it was intended by Cody. He was proud of her. He wanted to build her up, for her to see herself as they saw her. And maybe a little that he wanted to brag a bit that a woman so special was in his bed every night. But to Kid, every word, every gesture was a stab wound to his heart. A reminder that while she held his heart, he held no claim to her whatsoever.

* * *

Josie was on the porch. She had finally triumphed over the baby bootie and was proud to say that her child would have a nearly matched pair of booties on its tiny little feet. Now she was working on a blanket. Rachel taught her to crochet and that came easier and she had gotten a third or so of the way done with the blanket in a very short amount of time. It was repetitive and soothing in a way and she found it a very pleasant way to pass the time. She could think of other things while she worked at it and before she knew it, her progress was obvious.

She sat while the normal morning activity swirled around her and barely took note of it all. Her mind was nearly completely occupied with Benny. He had been so hurt by Bill's words. She could see it and she had tried to save him but Bill just wouldn't stop. And really Bill was trying to be sweet in the midst of his bragging. But she knew how it ate at Benny. And still he forced a smile for her…she knew it was for her.

Somehow she had to find a way to talk to him. She had to tell him that, while he was right about what had happened last night, it would never happen again. She would find a way around it. She would say she wasn't feeling well, that she was too tired, that she needed to stay up to work on the blankets and clothes she was making for the baby. She would get to bed first and pretend to be asleep when he came in…anything. She would not let him touch her like that again. It was just wrong and she wouldn't let herself do such wrong things ever again.

Just as she was trying to devise a plan where she could talk a little to Benny in private, she heard the call of 'rider coming' and looked up in mild curiosity to see which of her new brothers was riding off. She knew it wasn't her husband but she was startled and upset to see Benny standing next to a saddled Katy. He was readying to mount and take the hand off. She wasn't even going to get a chance to tell him goodbye, let alone anything else she needed to say. She could run to him right then and maybe she could reach him but others were around and they could not say such things with the others there. And it didn't matter anyway, before she could even think of prying herself off of the porch swing, he was on Katy and disappearing toward the horizon.

She sighed heavily and tried to get back to her crocheting but found her vision blurred by tears. Josie blinked a few times and worked a little longer on the blanket. She just couldn't do it anymore though. She felt restless. Baking always calmed her nerves and she thought she would make Teaspoon's favorite sugar cookies with the jam in them. She'd made them once and he said they reminded him of his third wife. It was the look on his face that set her to collecting recipes from the family. She had to pay their kindness back in some way and bringing memories of good times was the best she could think of. For supper that night she would be making some breaded pork that Ike had grown up eating and applesauce cake that Jimmy's mama was near to famous for according to him. But for a snack, they would have those heavy sugar cookies with the jam in them.

She had mixed the dough and was feeling a little better. She still worried for Benny. She worried for all of them. One of the first baskets of mending that Rachel had given her had one of Jimmy's shirts in it. Josie had asked about the holes in the garment and Rachel sighed and told her they were bullet holes. Josie had cried then. She had only just met Jimmy and to think that maybe she wouldn't have even had that chance and Bill had been so kind so she worried for him and the rest as well. Rachel told her it was Jimmy who took the most chances but then acknowledged that they all had their share of close calls. So she worried every time any of the boys rode out of the yard and kept worrying until they came back.

This was different though. She would be sad if anything happened to any of the boys but if Benny came home hurt or, worse yet, failed to come home at all, she was fairly certain her own heart would stop as well.

But it felt good to get her hands in the dough and knead in the last of the flour before putting her back behind the rolling pin to roll it out. She was feeling a little lighter already and was beginning to hum. She nearly jumped out of her skin when a voice spoke behind her.

"You know you have a real pretty voice, Josie," Cody said, "I didn't make you angry earlier, did I?"

"Bill! You startled me," she cried turning to him and giving him a smile. He looked genuinely concerned right then. "Why would you ask me that?"

"I just…well, three different people told me since breakfast that they thought maybe I embarrassed or upset you with what I said. I'd say I didn't meant nothing bad by it and I didn't but I guess I did get carried away with my bragging. I'm sorry if I upset you. I don't ever want to."

"I know you don't," she replied and she did. He would never intentionally hurt her. "I think I was surprised at the way you said things. I guess I still worry what people might think what with the belly and all. You say things that sound like you're talking about private things and sometimes I…you know…I guess I feel a little ashamed. The rest of what you said was sort of sweet though. No one ever said such nice things about me before. No one's ever been proud of me like that."

"I am proud of you," he said, "I'm proud partly 'cause I got a wife who cooks like you do and is pretty as you are but I'm also just proud of you. I wish you was prouder of yourself."

Josie just smiled at him.

"I'll try to be better about thinking before I open my mouth," he said, "Guess that's part of being a husband I didn't think of before."

"I ain't mad, Bill."

"I can still try to be better. You're already the best wife I can think of." He paused and thought a moment. "I got my chores done until this evening. Is there something here I can help you with?"

Josie really didn't want him around anymore. His sweet words turned her head even worse and she needed to think. But she couldn't let on that she was feeling so frustrated with him. So she smiled sweetly.

"I'm making them cookies that Teaspoon liked so well," she told him, "How about you go to the pantry and fetch me a jar of jam—whatever kind you like."

"Anything for you," he replied.

Soon he was back and smiling with a jar of blackberry jam in his hand.

"Now what can I do?" he asked like an eager to please child.

She took the jar from him and picked up a spoon and measured the desired amount and plopped it onto the center of a cookie she had cut out.

"Do that for all the rest of these," she said.

For as apprehensive as Josie had been about spending time with Bill, she had a good time that afternoon. While they were working on the cookies, they sang songs and chatted about insignificant things. It was as if Jimmy or Buck or Noah had wandered in to help her. It was like having a friend. And for that afternoon while they baked the treat for the boys, she could almost convince herself that's all they were. Later she would be sad that they weren't just friends, that she was married to him. And if that ever changed, she probably wouldn't get the chance to be friends with him anymore. It was a terrible thought but a true one.

That night she went upstairs well before Bill. He had struck up a game of cards with the guys in the bunkhouse and for that she was very grateful. She laid there with a book in her hands not even really reading the words on the page. She still wasn't a strong reader but mostly she was distracted. When she had found out she was expecting, she hadn't thought things could ever be more of a mess in her life. But there she was. Married to one man, in love with another and the love of the only decent family she'd ever known hanging in the balance. When she heard Bill's boots on the stairs, she let the book fall onto the mattress next to her and closed her eyes.

"And how's my beautiful wi-ˮ Cody called out as he opened the door and his words died on his lips as he saw her there placidly sleeping. He smiled and then tiptoed to the bed. Picking up her book he whispered, "Plum tuckered out, I see."

Then he placed a gentle kiss to her temple and tucked the blankets up around her better before undressing and dimming the lamp. Once beneath the blankets himself, he curled toward her and hugged her to him for a moment.

"Sweet dreams," he said before rubbing her belly lightly and rolling over to go to sleep himself.

Josie let the tears silently run down her cheeks and onto the pillow at the thought that she would eventually hurt such a tender and gentle man. He did not deserve this. He deserved to fall in love with a woman who could love him back. She didn't deserve him…wasn't worthy of his kindness and yet she deserved so much more than what he could offer her.

* * *

Kid hated riding away that day. He hated leaving her and knowing that she was with him. Cody wasn't a bad guy and Kid genuinely loved him like a brother. In fact he found Cody much more likeable than his own brother had been. And he had to admit that Cody was being the perfect doting husband to Josie. That really only made it worse. It made him worry that eventually Cody's care for her would win her over and he would lose his chance with her. Sure he felt something special with her, a connection he hadn't ever felt before. But then this wasn't exactly a fair fight. It wasn't that they both were trying to court her or vie for her attentions. Cody had her in his bed every night. Cody got to regale her with stories and offer his most winning smiles to her. Kid had to pretend he didn't feel the things he was feeling. When Cody left on a run, he could kiss her goodbye and not just a peck on the cheek, he could really, really kiss her. He could kiss her like Kid could only dream of kissing her.

She was like a dream to him sometimes. Just that morning when he had ridden away, he spared a glance at where she was sitting on the porch with her crocheting. She looked so happy and beautifully at peace there with her partly completed blanket on her lap that was quickly disappearing under her growing belly. It was a dream come true…or it would have been if she was his. He dared to dream of the day when he would come in from fields or something to such a sight. No he didn't just want a sight like that, he wanted that sight. He wanted to see Josie working on her crocheting or mending or something, her face happy and contented. A man could surely want nothing more than that. For sure, Kid didn't want anything but that.

As much as he knew he had to stay away from her, as much as he knew she was not and never would be his, he knew he had to find a way. They had to be together. He could not live the rest of his life and never touch her again. And he knew he could love her deeper than Cody could. He just knew it in his heart. She deserved the love he could give.

Alone that night he couldn't help but think of the moments they shared in the barn. The memory of what did happen, what nearly happened was still so real a memory that it brought an immediate response from his body. Her breath on his neck, panting his name. Her hips grinding back into his. His hands under her nightgown, memorizing her body. He knew that if Katy hadn't startled them, he wouldn't have stopped and he doubted she would have stopped him either. It frightened him that he was so out of control. He never had been like that before. He'd never been so lost in passion that he was moving without thinking.

* * *

"How's the blanket coming?"

Rachel's voice made Josie's head snap up. She'd been sitting on the porch crocheting and making decent progress but then she got lost in thought—thoughts she could never dream of telling another soul, thoughts about Benny—and allowed her mind to wander and her eyes to fall shut. She must've dozed off. It wasn't surprising. Bill might've thought she was sleeping when he came to bed the night before but in reality she'd had a terrible time falling asleep. And then she had once again gotten up and dressed while he slept so as to avoid his affections in the morning.

"I'm sorry." Josie began but Rachel shushed her as she sat on the swing next to the girl.

"You need some extra rest," Rachel told her patting her knee. "I wondered about you this morning when you were so quiet. You looked almost sad."

"I'm fine," Josie assured the woman wishing with all her might that she could tell, that she could confide in someone, get some advice. But she knew the advice would be that she had a perfectly good husband. A good man who was trying his darnedest to be good to her for her and the baby. She needed to make that work like she said she was going to do.

"I wanted to talk to you a little, sweetie."

Rachel had been worried the day before and her concern only grew at seeing the girl at breakfast that morning. Sure women had their moods when they were expecting but Rachel had never seen the girl look so distant from the boys. Just that morning they were joking around with each other and usually Josie would join in but this morning the girl had just sat there offering only the weakest of smiles. At first Rachel worried the girl was feeling unwell or perhaps there was something wrong with the baby but then she saw the sadness in the girl's eyes. Something had her down and not just unexplained woman expecting a baby type down, Josie knew what made her sad. Rachel needed to know too. Perhaps she could help. If nothing else then she could be there and let the poor thing talk it out.

"Something's upsetting you," Rachel began and held a hand up when Josie tried to deny it. "I know it is. It's not good for the baby if you're upset and it's not good for you to keep it inside. You have people who care for you. I know it's been a long time since you have but you do now. I worry for you. Not because you're married to Cody either. I love that boy and I want him happy but I want you happy too."

"I can't complain about anything, Rachel. Everyone is so good to me and I have all I need."

"Do you really?" Rachel asked, "Is this marriage all you need? There's more to your needs than food and shelter, sweetheart. We haven't talked in a while about your feelings. Something tells me that he hasn't said he loves you…maybe because he doesn't."

"I know he don't love me but he cares for me and I think he really loves the baby."

"That's not the same thing. And do you love him?"

Josie just shook her head working hard to keep the tears at bay. She was mostly successful and only a few made their way down her cheeks.

"I thought I would. I thought I could but I just don't. Did I ruin his life, Rachel? I did, didn't I?"

"I don't think he would say that at all," Rachel cooed as she pulled the girl to rest her head on her bosom. "You know you only promised to give this a chance. It's only been a couple weeks so I don't know if that's really a chance or not but you know this doesn't have to be forever."

"I couldn't do that to him. I mean…if he asked for that then, well, I would do what he wanted but I couldn't…"

"Josie, you don't just have yourself to think of," Rachel said solidly, "You have that babe there. Your happiness is as important to that baby's well-being as food and warm blankets. If it's a girl, do you want to teach her to always put herself second or do you want her to have a better life than you've had? If it's a boy, you'll be his standard for the perfect woman. If you stand up for yourself and live a life with your own happiness being important, he'll value strong women and he'll encourage the women he meets to be strong."

Josie just looked down at the lacy crocheted pattern in her lap.

"Is there something else weighing on you, Josie?"

Josie shook her head and Rachel saw that this was the end of Josie opening to her for that day.

"I guess I'll get to sweeping out the bunkhouse then," Rachel said moving to stand up, "Remember something though. I am always here for you if you need to talk about anything. I do mean anything. I'm not a saint. I've lived a lot of things. I care about you like family, you sweet girl. You have a home here with me as long as you need one no matter what happens."

Josie nodded and whispered, "Thank you."

* * *

Days passed. Kid got home safely from his ride and the two did a decent job of avoiding each other. When he came back, it was all Josie could do to not run across the yard and kiss him but she managed to walk to him and pat his arm. She smiled and said she was glad to see him home safe. It was how she would greet the others.

His first night back, Kid went to see to Katy and on his way back to the bunkhouse he looked toward the house. He expected to see the lone lighted window but instead saw a lamp burning on the porch and Josie working diligently on the quilt she was making for the baby. He stared a moment and then saw the window upstairs darken. He understood then. She was going to bed after Cody. She was not making love to him anymore. He wasn't sure how he knew all of that for certain but somehow he did. She looked at him and raised a hand, her fingers wiggling in a small wave. It was for him. She was not giving her body to Cody anymore because of him. His heart soared.

Josie was even more determined to put Bill off after Benny came home. That first night, she hoped Benny understood. She would betray him no more. They might not be able to talk much or spend time alone but she would keep their love sacred. It wasn't hard to avoid Bill. At first she made excuses…she was tired, she had too much to do. But eventually she just said she wasn't in the mood to make love, that she didn't feel like being touched. It had surprised her that something so simple was an option but it was. He still kissed her and sometimes she wished that she felt something for his kisses but most of the time she wished he was Benny.

It was perhaps a week after Kid had gotten home again that he was working in the yard. He was near to the house and he heard a yelp of pain. It was Josie. He never even considered how he knew that. It could as easily have been Rachel but it wasn't. Cody wasn't around that day having been enlisted to help Teaspoon with something or another. It wouldn't have mattered anyway if Cody had been there. Josie was hurt and Kid would have trampled over God himself to get to her.

He rushed into the house and found her in the kitchen trying to clean up a mess of cookies on the floor and hissing in pain as she did.

"Josie, what happened?"

"The towel slipped," she said pointing at the counter where there was still a small towel draped across the edge of a cookie sheet. He understood. It slipped and her hand had touched the hot metal.

"Let me see."

"I'm fine. I have to clean this mess up. They fell when I dropped the pan."

"The mess can wait," he nearly growled grabbing her wrists, "Which hand?"

"Right."

He looked at her hand and saw the welts and blisters beginning to rise on her palm and fingers.

"You're not okay," he said gently, "Is that water cool?"

He nodded to a pitcher on the counter.

"Just pumped it a few minutes ago.

He dipped the edge of a towel in the cool water and pressed it to her hand. Then he tore a couple strips from the dry part of the towel and, after finding the salve that he knew Rachel had to keep in the kitchen for just such times, he dressed her injury.

"Feel better?"

She nodded and their eyes met and locked. What passed between them needed no words and yet was more than mere words could have expressed. She finally let him see her worry for him while his eyes told her that she had to stay safe. He could not bear it otherwise.

"Josie?" he began and then the words stuck in his throat. Words he knew he dared not say. Love he dared not profess, a future he dared not contemplate.

"Yes?" her deep blue eyes were huge as she looked to him in question. She saw it all. Everything he wanted to say. She was begging him to say them.

Neither of them heard Jimmy come in and before he spoke, he bore witness to their hushed exchange. If he hadn't known better he would have thought he was intruding on an exchange between two lovers. He'd been thinking something wasn't right somewhere and now he thought he knew a lot more.

"Kid," he finally said, "Was you finished with them tools? I, uh, I didn't want to put them away if you was still working."

"Yeah, I'm done, Jimmy," Kid said and while he was annoyed at the interruption, the fact that he was still close enough to take in Josie's sweet, clean scent tempered his tone. "You alright now, Josie?"

"What happened?" Jimmy asked and Josie held up her hand embarrassed to have caused such trouble.

"I guess I should get to some supper now," she said, "If you want to take the cookies that didn't hit the floor out to the bunkhouse, I'd appreciate it, Jimmy."

"Sure Josie. You sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine. I'll just sit here and shuck these peas."

She picked one up to show how she could still do what needed doing but she could barely apply the pressure needed and then she couldn't avoid the hiss of pain that escaped her.

"Maybe I should help you," Kid offered, "We could sit on the porch."

She nodded and Jimmy carried the plate of cookies away as Josie and Kid settled onto the porch.

"I feel so useless," she lamented.

"It's just today," he said, "I'm sure tomorrow it will be a little better."

The two fell into an easy conversation after that. It was nothing of great import but it was nice and it came easily. Kid thought to how hard he had worked to be with Doritha and then how much harder yet he had to work to be with Lou and sitting next to Josie right then was the most natural thing in the world.

Once the peas were shelled, Rachel was back at the house and agreed to take over supper preparations while Josie went to lie down for a while. Kid got barely five feet from the porch before Jimmy grabbed him and dragged him into the barn. Before Kid could even ask what this was about, Jimmy's fist connected with Kid's jaw.

"Don't even look at me like you don't know what that was for, Kid!"

"But I really don't," Kid protested.

"Do I really need to remind you that Josie is a married woman? And she ain't married to just anybody. She's married to your brother…or as good as your brother. You are the last man I ever thought would cross a line like that."

"We ain't crossing any lines, Jimmy!"

"You're playing with fire, Kid. I can see how you look at her. I know they don't have a normal marriage but I think he's falling for her. It would kill him to see what I seen today."

"It's not like we'll act on it, Jimmy…not again."

"Again?" Jimmy bellowed. "What the hell do you mean, again?"

"There was one night. Right here in the barn…she was standing here and I was up too and well…we kissed…and…well nothing really happened but it won't happen again."

"You know I can't keep quiet about this, don't you?" Jimmy said gruffly, "I hate that I have to but I do have to tell him."

"Jimmy, please…don't. It's just…I love her. I do. She feels it too. I know she does. I know I should've left when I first knew I felt this but I just can't be apart from her. I'd rather see her with another than never see her at all."

Jimmy could see the raw honesty in Kid's eyes. There was genuine feeling for her and not just the want of her…there was the need and the love.

"Damn it, Kid," Jimmy growled under his breath, "You better watch yourself because I'll be watching you. I see anything but you looking brotherly to her and I won't have a choice."

* * *

**Sorry this was so long...Myrtle and I had a lot to fit into this chapter...we did it though!-J**


	14. Chapter 14

Kid rubbed his jaw and looked toward the open barn door.

"Sorry I hit you," Jimmy mumbled.

"It's okay," Kid said, "I guess I deserved it a little."

"Yeah you did…but you deserved it to come from someone else."

Kid nodded. He knew on some level that Jimmy was right and even knew that as much as he tried to stay away from Josie, at some point there would have to be a confrontation. He didn't relish that thought at all. He began to walk out of the barn but Jimmy's hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"Have you given any thought to how Lou's going to take this?"

"If I did I'd be smothering her and treating her too much like a girl, now wouldn't I?" Kid stated bitterly, "She made her choice and I don't figure into it. I'll always feel something for her but how many times should I lean into that particular punch before I give up?"

"She's still in love with you," Jimmy pointed out.

"That really ain't my problem, Jimmy."

"I think it's going to be everyone's problem when she gets back."

"Well, Teaspoon said that won't be for another week to week and a half," Kid said recalling the communication that the old marshal had just gotten that morning. "And besides, we can't let anyone know anyway."

"Lou's got eyes, Kid. If I saw it then she will too and probably quicker than I did."

"What she'll see is just what she asked for. Me moving on. Us not together. It's what she wanted."

"You know as well as I do that ain't what she wanted," Jimmy insisted once again pulling Kid back to face him.

"Look, I know you're who she goes running to with every little complaint about me," Kid said openly, "But it's me in front of you now. If I'm really your friend…just for once…"

He was searching for words now and felt helpless until he stumbled on them.

"If it's me you're giving advice to, then do it. Give me the advice I need, not what's going to make things smoother for you or for her. Otherwise, get out of my way."

Then he stomped out of the barn and toward the bunkhouse.

Jimmy stood there with his mouth hanging open. Up until Kid had said what he did, Jimmy still thought he might have to tell Cody. Now he wasn't so sure that was the right thing to do. He wanted to be a good friend…to all of them. But now that none of them seemed to want all the same things, it was getting harder and harder to know how to do that. Perhaps he would just bide his time and keep his eyes open. If Kid said they weren't acting on their feelings then they weren't. There might be sides to Kid that Jimmy hadn't ever seen but the man was honest and his word was his bond.

* * *

Cody readied to ride out the next morning. Jimmy was coming with him. Teaspoon said there'd been some trouble that direction of late and he wanted an extra gun on the ride. Hickok could be a sullen one but he was a good friend too and it would be nice to not be riding all alone.

Josie came over to see them off.

"I packed up some goodies for you two," she said and handed a separate bag to Jimmy. "I know how his appetite is. Figured I'd better give you your own or you wouldn't get any at all."

Jimmy gave her a quick brotherly squeeze around her shoulders.

"You are a treasure, you know that, Josie?"

Cody wasn't feeling quite the same about her. Sure bringing out cookies or whatever she had packed for them was thoughtful and she said sweet things to him but it had been over a week since she had let him touch her like he wanted to. He had even talked to Rachel who told him that a woman's desires sometimes increased when expecting but also sometimes faded to nothing. She had excuses at first and he was suspicious of them because she seemed just fine during the day and then at night would complain of a headache or of being tired. Finally she had admitted she was lying. She just didn't feel amorous and thought he would be angry with her. He couldn't be, of course but it was getting damned frustrating.

Now he had an idea what might be making her feel less affectionate toward him and it didn't have anything to do with the baby. They'd been working at giving the marriage a try for a few weeks and neither had said the word yet. Love. He would say he loved her cooking or even her voice or her eyes. She even once said she loved the way he made her feel when he complimented her. They said they cared and she had even once told him he was handsome. He, of course, told her she was beautiful and he was a lucky man. But never once did he tell her he loved her…that he had fallen in love with her, with the life she was offering. Maybe it was time. Maybe she just didn't want to give her body to someone who wasn't willing to offer his heart in return.

"Josie?" he said tentatively as he pulled her aside.

"Yes Bill?" her eyes were so deep, so endless and maybe a little fearful.

"I need to tell you something before I go. Something I should've said before now. You thank me all the time for getting you out of the mess you was in, for bringing you somewhere safe. But I don't think you see all I'm getting in return. You…the baby…it's the kind of life most men dream of and it just fell in my lap."

He lifted his hand to rest on her face and held the gaze of her large blue eyes.

"I've told you lots of things. I told you I care for you and that you're beautiful. I do and you are but there's the one thing I didn't ever say before and I hope you'll forgive me for taking so long. I felt it a while now. I love you, Josie. I fell in love with you. I thought I could and I guess I was right because I did."

Cody had visions of what might happen when he said these words. He thought maybe she would look relieved and tell him she loved him too. Or maybe she just wasn't sure yet. He had thought she might not know enough of love to feel confident telling him that. But he still expected an embrace, maybe a kiss. A smile…something. Instead, she looked shocked, taken aback, possibly panicked. Well, it had come out of the blue and in more of a public way than maybe she expected.

"You don't have to say anything," he said lowering his lips to hers, "We'll talk when I get back. I really needed you to know before I left. I love you. I do."

If Cody misunderstood the stricken look on the girl's face, Jimmy did not. Kid was right, she at the very least was not in love with Cody and from what he saw in the kitchen the day before, she might just love Kid too.

* * *

Later that day, Josie was sitting on the porch working on the quilt she was making for the baby when Kid spotted her. He knew he shouldn't go to her. He knew Jimmy was right and he was playing with fire but he just had to.

"How's your hand?" he asked. At least if anyone overheard him it was a legitimate question. They all cared about Josie and they all had been sorry to hear she had hurt herself.

"Much better today, thank you Benny."

Something was different about her. She was distant all of a sudden and that was the one thing she had never been to him.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No. I did."

Her voice was barely a whisper and he leaned almost closer than he dared to hear it.

"You haven't done anything wrong, Josie," he stated.

"Please Benny…don't…don't look at me like that. We can't…not ever now. It's too late."

Before he could even ask what she meant, Rachel was right beside him.

"Kid," Rachel began, "How in blazes did you manage to pop off all of the buttons on these long johns?"

He had managed to keep them out of her sight and away from her notice since that night in the barn but he hadn't paid enough attention the last time he took them off and just tossed them with his other dirty clothes. He knew exactly what had happened to the buttons and his face flushed with the memory of Josie's frantic hands tearing at the cloth and ultimately the buttons to touch his fevered flesh.

"I uh, I guess I must've caught them on something," he mumbled and Rachel noticed that they both blushed a bright crimson at her question. Now perhaps Josie was just being shy at having his undergarments there with him standing there. But Rachel thought that might not be all of it.

"I'll fix them," Josie volunteered, "I'm caught up on the mending until the next time Jimmy does something stupid or they need to break a horse."

"Are you sure your hand is alright for this?" Rachel asked and Josie merely nodded.

Rachel stared a moment longer at the two of them and then wandered off to finish folding the laundry.

They watched her walk away and then Kid turned back to her, his eyes intense and nearly angry.

"What did you mean before? That it's too late?"

She looked at him sadly and then lowered her head to her sewing without saying a word. How could she speak to him even? She had messed this up. She had waited too long. When she still thought Bill didn't love her, couldn't ever love her, it had seemed there was a chance. But now…now there was this. There was Bill forever and that wouldn't be so bad except that it meant there would be no Benny and that was forever too.

"Josie you can't just say something like that and then stop talking to me," Kid pleaded, "You've got to talk to me."

"Bill said he loves me. Don't you see? It changes everything."

"You love him too?"

Josie looked around and seeing no one she shook her head slightly and whispered, "No."

"Then-ˮ

"Benny…just go. I have work to do."

He looked at his own garment in her hands knowing that her work would erase the evidence, the only tangible proof he had that their one encounter was not merely a dream.

"You fixing that won't change what happened," he said tersely as he walked away.

As she watched him trudge toward the bunkhouse, Josie reflexively raised a hand allowing her fingers to ghost over her lips. She could still feel how the touch of his lips on hers made them tingle.

"I know," she whispered as tears welled in her eyes.

* * *

"Jimmy, I'm dry as a bone and my rear hurts besides," Cody whined, "We made good time, record time you might even say. Can't we stop just for a sarsaparilla and to stretch our legs a bit?"

Jimmy sighed. He had no argument but then for some reason he wanted to just get back home as fast as they could. Of course now that Cody mentioned it, he was pretty thirsty himself and he was sure Sundance was getting as sick of him as he was of the saddle.

They ventured in and ordered their drinks and a bite to eat and leaned their backs against the bar to take in all the activity. It was more activity than one would usually expect for as early as it was but then this town didn't look to have a lot else to do but shoot the breeze and maybe play some cards over a drink or two. Jimmy half closed his eyes keeping a half-hearted watch on a table with what looked like a well contested game going on. He didn't really care who won and it didn't look like anyone was going to get ugly about the outcome but it was interesting all the same. Eventually he turned back to Cody to see if his friend was ready to push on. The words died on his lips at what he saw.

Now the saloon was crawling with girls offering much more than drinks or food and a couple had sidled up to Jimmy while he had stood there. He wasn't interested right then and told them so. It wasn't that he had never taken them up on their offers but there was more to life than that and frankly, he had other things on his mind.

Apparently Cody did not. It seemed Cody's mind was on one thing and one thing only and Jimmy guessed it was a tossup between the mouth and the breasts of the woman in Cody's arms.

Cody hadn't gone into the saloon looking for company but when a scantily clad blonde came up close to him whispering that her name was Sylvia low in his ear, well, he was glad for the company right then. Soon her tongue was in his ear and her hand was heading places it would be indecent to mention in polite company. He let his hands do a little travelling of their own and soon was realizing that this encounter was not going to be able to be contained at the bar. They would have to move upstairs. As he was disentangling his mouth from hers to tell her just that, he felt a rough hand grab his arm and drag him outside and onto the boardwalk in front of the saloon.

"What in the hell are you doing, Jimmy?" Cody hollered.

"Saving you from making a huge mistake," Jimmy growled back dragging Cody the rest of the way to their horses.

"I'll grant you Sylvia there was plenty curvy but I wouldn't call her huge."

"Shut up and ride before I beat the tar out of you!"

Cody mounted his horse and they rode for a while before Cody got in front of Jimmy and pulled up on the reins.

"We're you planning on explaining yourself ever or just being ornery all the way?"

"What's to explain? You were a disgrace back there!"

"Now Jimmy, all that beauty has got to be noticed and who am I to deprive the ladies of the pleasure of William Cody's presence?"

"Think your wife would see it that way?"

The color drained from Cody's face.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Jimmy grumbled, "I heard what you told Josie before you left. You lied to her. That poor girl and all she's been through, men just using her, telling her whatever they needed to and you lied to her. You are her husband. You chose to try to make that work. You chose to try to make a real marriage out of it and you lied to her."

"It wasn't a lie, Jimmy," Cody pleaded, "Honest it wasn't. I care for her and I do love her. It's just…well, it's been so long. She don't have no desires like that right now. Rachel says it's on account of the baby. But it's so hard to sleep next to her every night. She's so soft and pretty and she smells so good and I can't touch her. I got needs too you know!"

"I ain't the brightest man, Cody and I don't know as much about marriage and all as some but even I know you can't go running into the arms of some whore every time something ain't going right. You flat out forgot you was married. You need to think what that means 'cause that don't sound like love to me."

"You ain't going to tell no one, are you?"

"I ought to," Jimmy replied, "I ought to find her as soon as we get home and tell her. She deserves to be treated right. I know you see that too. I ought to tell her she deserves better than the likes of you but really that's what you ought to tell her. I won't say nothing—yet."

* * *

"Rachel?"

"What is it, sweetie?" Rachel asked looking hopefully toward the girl. Perhaps now was when Josie would finally open up to her although Rachel was starting to get some ideas about what might be going on in that head and heart of hers.

"Do you have any more buttons?"

The words came in a rush and Josie was frightened by how close she had come to asking advice, to spilling her heart to the woman.

"Just what's in the jar in the sewing kit. Why?"

"There aren't enough of the right sized ones for Benny's…well, you know."

Rachel nearly laughed at the blush that came on Josie's cheeks. Yes, there was something the girl wasn't telling her. Rachel believed it was a big something too. But if Josie wasn't ready to talk then badgering her wasn't going to do much good.

"Well then I guess you need to make a run into town."

Josie looked up as if panicked by the notion. She hadn't been to town yet and the thought of so many new faces that might judge her was scary.

"You got a ring on your finger to go with that belly you know," Rachel reminded her, "And I'll send one of the boys with you."

Rachel looked around. Cody was gone. She knew who she wanted to send—mostly to test a theory—and as luck would have it, she could make a really good argument for it.

"Let's see who I can send," Rachel pretended to ponder, "Cody and Jimmy are out and Buck too since they're all off on rides. Ike and Noah are with Teaspoon. Seems that the Widow Benson's porch took a beating in that storm a few days back and Teaspoon promised to bring a couple of strong backs to help her out. I guess that just leaves Kid."

"Couldn't you just come with me, Rachel?"

"Josie, you know how much I have to do," Rachel said, "There is simply no way I can get away. I'm sure Kid won't mind. I've never known him to pass up a chance to help a lady."

Before Josie could even think of an argument, Rachel was leading her across the yard.

"Kid!" she called as she took Josie by the arm. Soon Kid's face peered out of the bunkhouse with a questioning expression.

"What is it Rachel?" he asked but his eyes were glued to Josie.

"Josie and I have a favor to ask-ˮ

"Yes," he blurted quickly and then recovered, "I mean, probably…what is it?"

Rachel smiled. It looked to be exactly as she had suspected. She explained the errand and Kid nodded and went to ready the buckboard. Once it was ready, he helped Josie onto it.

"Thank you, Benny," she said sweetly. "You don't have to be so helpful. I can manage."

"I'm sorry, Josie," he replied, "I didn't mean you couldn't."

"I know. I think it's sweet that you try to help me. Being nice to someone don't mean you think they can't do for themselves."

Kid wasn't sure why her words brought him the joy they did but there was something healing in them all the same.

"So, it sure is a beautiful day today, isn't it?" he asked as they rode along.

"Yes it is," she agreed, "Those clouds look just like bits of cotton."

He nodded. It wasn't the weather he wanted to talk about. As much as he loved her musical voice, he didn't want to talk at all. He kept the reins tight in his hands gripping them so hard it actually hurt.

"So, um," he began not even sure what to say really but knowing that if he could keep a conversation going then maybe he could keep control of himself. He'd never had to think like that. He knew what was proper and right and following through on that hadn't ever been this hard before. But right then all he wanted was to take Josie into his arms and never release her. "What did you need to go into town for?"

"Buttons," she said meekly, "I uh, I didn't have enough of the right sized ones for, uh, for your…"

She couldn't even say the word. All she could do was blush and the color rose to Kid's cheeks as well. He knew what she was talking about and talking about it made him think of that night and the raw passion that passed between them. It was suddenly quiet—too quiet. It was awkward and that was something it hadn't ever really been between them.

"I hope them clouds over there bring some rain with 'em later," he barely squeaked trying to return to safe topics. "It sure is hot lately. Well, I think it's hot, don't you."

"Yeah," she answered and that was all she said. The uncomfortable silence settled between them again. Josie hated it but then she knew when Rachel suggested Benny drive her that it wouldn't be a comfortable trip. She opened her mouth to speak, not even knowing what she would say but just desperate to break the tense quiet. But then Benny spoke.

"Josie, I love you," he said all in a rush, "I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I tried not to. I tried to put those feelings aside because it wasn't right but I just…I don't care about right for once in my life. I know everything that stands in our way and I don't even care about any of it. All I know is that I love you. It kills me to see you with someone else. It does. Every time he puts his arm around you or kisses you, I just can't stand it. Unless I'm wrong, you love me too."

Kid was breathing heavy when he finished speaking. He wasn't sure where that had come from. Well, it had come from his heart but where the courage or resolve to actually get the words out had come from was a mystery. He'd never been one to push forward and damn the consequences like that. But he just had to. She had to know. He couldn't even meet her eyes right then. Perhaps it would make things harder on her but perhaps it was exactly what she needed. Maybe she needed to know that there was another choice. He dared a glance at her stricken face and nearly looked away when he saw the tears start to fill her lovely blue eyes.

"I'm sorry," he muttered though he wasn't sorry for what he said or what he felt. He was only sorry that it was upsetting her. His eyes went to the horses and the road in front of them but snapped back to her when her soft, timid voice cut through the air.

"I love you too, Benny."

The tears spilled over her lashes then and Kid didn't know if they were happy or sad or even frightened tears but he knew what he needed to do. He took her face in his hands and kissed each tear drop and then moved his lips to hers. He felt her fingers tangle into his hair and deepened the kiss. He knew he should feel so many things from a fear that they could never be together or sadness at what it might cost him or guilt at who they might hurt but he felt none of those things. He felt only an overwhelming joy to have her in his arms, to have her lips against his. To know that whatever came next, at that moment, she was his.

Josie couldn't have put words to how she felt hearing Benny's words if her very life had depended on it. But she knew exactly how she felt when he kissed her. Whole. She felt complete and whole and as she was meant to be.

The kiss ended and Kid looked at her flushed face and knew his was probably the same. Then where they were suddenly came to him. They were in the middle of the road, in the open, where anyone might stumble on them.

"We have to talk," he said, "But not here."

He scanned the area around him and his eyes landed on a cluster of trees.

"There," he said as he pointed at them.

They rode to the trees in silence but it was a settled one for all they had left to discuss. Kid helped her down once they reached their destination and they sat next to a larger tree and just stared at each other for a while.

"I think Rachel knows," Kid said finally and worried for Josie as he saw the color leave her face.

"I didn't tell her, I swear!"

"I know," he assured her, "She's smart and observant. And I think she's maybe even on our side. If she wasn't, she would have said something by now. And she sure wouldn't've sent me with you today. I think she's pushing us together."

"She don't know he told me he loves me," Josie nearly whispered.

"She knows you don't love him. I think she's looking out for you. Cody's resilient…she probably isn't nearly as worried for him as she is for you."

"What do we do, Benny?"

"That's not all up to me," he replied, "I need to know what you want."

"I want to be with you!"

"Then you want a…divorce?"

She felt as if she'd been slapped hard across the face with that word—divorce. Marriage was forever. Nice girls didn't get divorced. Of course nice girls didn't get into the kind of trouble growing in her belly either. Shakily she nodded at him. If a divorce was the only way to be with Benny then she would do it.

With her nod, he released a breath he didn't know he was holding. It was then that a sort of panic set in. He thought he had come to terms with having fallen in love with a married woman. But the word divorce struck something in him. It was something talked about rarely and then in hushed and shameful tones. He was asking the woman he loved to subject herself to this, for him. It was nothing he would have considered before. It wasn't right to do. But then things had changed. He had changed. He started to see that maybe there were times when there were things more important than right and wrong as he had thought those words before. He loved Josie. He hadn't been aware that he had been walking around with such a huge piece missing from his soul until she was standing there holding it to him and now he missed it when she wasn't with him. Now it was a gnawing need within him. If he didn't act on what he felt, he would regret it for the rest of his life.

"We'll tell Cody when he comes back from his ride," he decided, "He probably won't be happy but whatever he says or does…I need you to know that won't change what I feel. Nothing can change that. Now he might see this clear. He might understand how we feel and he might step aside. Either way I'm sure you can get a divorce…with or without him. But…he's my brother. I owe it to him to at the very least look him in the eye…not…run off like the thief in the night."

She placed a hand on his face. He was giving up everything for her and she was so unworthy but then maybe love wasn't about being worthy.

"Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky to meet a good man like you," she mused, "Then others I wonder why I couldn't've met you first, why it has to be such a mess."

Kid looked into her eyes right then. She was frightened but her love shone brightly and he kissed her. He kissed her with an abandon close to their encounter in the barn. They broke apart.

"I don't want to tell him," Josie whimpered.

"I'm not really looking forward to it either," Kid admitted, "But I owe him this, at least."

"Then we can be together, right?"

"Yes," he answered, "We can and we will be together. I don't think I could have it any other way."

Kid watched her fear melt away and felt his own go by the wayside as well. He had said all he wanted to, knew all he wanted to about what was happening with the two of them and their future. There was only one thing left to do. He kissed her again. His lips met hers in near furious passion and she sighed into him. It was all he could ever have dreamt of and in fact, was all he had been dreaming of recently.

The fell back onto the soft grass under the tree and allowed themselves to be lost in each other. It felt so free and so right to both of them. Never had the acts of love felt so perfect, so destined. But then Kid pulled away.

"We should get on along to Tompkins' before we're missed…or we end up needing more buttons."

Josie giggled and blushed but it was less embarrassment than the memory of how the buttons were lost in the first place. She willingly took Benny's hand as he helped her to stand and then she began to walk toward the wagon. Benny caught up to her and leaned to whisper soft and low in her ear.

"I can't wait until the time I can really make you mine."

Her eyes flew to his and she fought to keep her feet. Her heart raced at the realization of what he had meant and she could see the desire burning in his eyes. She swallowed hard and just nodded in reply.

He kissed her once more and they headed to the wagon hand in hand.

* * *

**Well then...yeah not even sure what to say about this one...I love my Codester but I think he's confused about some things and I think this is not going to be pretty or go happily.-J**


	15. Chapter 15

Josie went into the house for the night humming. She wouldn't have to put Bill off tonight since he wasn't home. She had half an angry thought that he was probably with some whore but then thought she couldn't even be mad at him. Eventually he might meet someone he could love so completely that he wouldn't even think about those women.

"You sound happy," Rachel noted as Josie made her way through the sitting room. The girl just smiled at her.

"I'm making some tea," Rachel continued, "Maybe you could sit a bit with me?"

Josie sat down on the small couch and watched as Rachel poured the tea. This was not an idle request for tea and it was clear that Rachel had something on her mind.

"I guess there's no way to do this other than to just come out and start with it," Rachel began, "I'm worried about you."

"But I'm fine," Josie said and she held up her hand, "See it's healing real good and the baby's doing good too. It kicks all the time now."

"That's not what I meant, sweetie. I'm glad your hand wasn't hurt worse and you know I'm happy that you and the baby are healthy. I worry for your heart, honey, for your happiness. How long are you going to stay married to a man who doesn't love you? How long can you stay with a man you don't love?"

Rachel paused and then added, "Especially when there is someone you do love who loves you right back."

Josie nearly choked on the tea she'd just taken a sip of. Then her lip began to tremble and her face crumbled.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered as her face fell into her hands, "I messed everything up. I ruined your family. I broke my vows and the commandments. I-I'll go tomorrow. I'll leave."

"No honey," Rachel said reaching for Josie and pulling her into a tight hug.

Josie fought the embrace for a moment but then it felt so good to be held. It was almost like having a mama again. Soon Josie was hugging back, knowing she didn't deserve the comfort but needing it too badly to care.

"No, you can't go," Rachel went on, "I want you to stay."

"But I made such a mess of things."

"Things were already a mess. Seems you've just tried to make the best of what you got handed."

"But I didn't," Josie protested, "I made them worse."

Her sobs renewed. Rachel just held her and petted her hair.

"You talk as if we get a say in who we fall in love with, Josie."

"If I didn't make Bill marry me…"

"Then you wouldn't've met the man you do love," Rachel reminded her, "You'd be alone and probably your pa would've kicked you out by now. Sometimes things are meant to be even though they hurt and get confusing. But you are not leaving. I told you that your home is with me as long as you needed it and you, my dear, need it."

Rachel let Josie cry a bit more and then patted the girl on the back.

"It's getting late," she observed, "Let me help you get ready for bed."

"I can-ˮ

"I know what you can do. But I know it always made me feel good when my mama would brush my hair for me at bedtime. I ain't saying I can be anything like your mama but I can brush through that pretty hair of yours."

They went upstairs and Josie changed into her nightgown and turned to see Rachel in her nightgown smiling and holding a hairbrush. Rachel settled on the bed and Josie sat in front of her.

"You should wear your hair down more, Josie," Rachel said as she began pulling the brush through Josie's long hair. "It's so pretty."

"It's not pretty," Josie said, "I wish it was like yours. Blonde hair is so beautiful."

"Well, I seriously doubt that Kid would like it any better if it was blonde. Or should I say, Ben?"

"How did you know?"

"I was looking," Rachel said simply, "So tell me about it."

"I can't…It ain't right."

"Sweetie, there's lots of things that aren't right but finally getting to see what love and happiness feels like, well, I count those things as very, very right."

Josie would wonder later what it was that finally shifted in her. Maybe it was the way Rachel held her or how cared for she felt to have Rachel brushing her hair or maybe she just couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Oh Rachel, he's wonderful! He's so beautiful and when I look at him, it feels like my heart stops. And when he says my name…I can't even…and his smile when he talks about something that makes him happy or when he's caring for Katy. He has this way of making me feel like I'm the only girl in the world and everything I say is important. I never felt like that before."

Rachel hugged Josie tight.

"This is what I wanted you to feel all along. So have you two talked about how you feel?"

Josie nodded somberly.

"We're going to tell him—Bill. When he gets back. We're going to tell him about us…that we love each other and that I want a-a-ˮ Josie lowered her eyes and whispered, "Divorce. It's terrible. I know everyone here will hate me and that's hard because I love the boys so much but poor Benny. Those are his brothers and they might all turn on him. He's just doing it for me. I don't deserve such a thing, I don't think. But then I can't see any way to be but with him. I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen. It's going to hurt Bill and he's a good man. He don't deserve to be hurt like this. It's a sin what we're doing, you know. I mean we ain't done…but still what we feel and even…well, we kissed and I know that's wrong. Can God even forgive what we're doing?"

"I have seen some things in my lifetime. Some of them beautiful beyond measure and some horrible beyond understanding. I just have to believe there's a reason for things. I have to think that maybe something—God or fate or angels or something—sent Cody your way to get you away from some people who I would hope when their time comes have to explain much more to God than you do. Maybe the whole reason for everything was so you could meet your love and be able to have and keep this baby. I don't know but I do know that love is a precious gift and if more people remembered that, we'd have a whole lot fewer problems in this world."

* * *

Josie was crocheting on the porch late the next morning with Kid leaning on the railing watching her and talking. They had all been talking amiably at breakfast and she and Kid had struck up a conversation that was plausible to continue after breakfast so he stood there and the others were none the wiser for the time being.

Her head shot up at Noah's call of 'riders coming' and her complexion was ashen.

"Guess it's time to let the cat out of the bag," Kid said solemnly.

"No, Benny," she said in a panic, "Not yet. He's so tired when he comes in and it'll make it worse. Just a little bit longer."

"Alright," he agreed, "A little while. After supper we'll tell him. He'll be in a good mood then. You have to know that I can't send you to his bed one more time. I just can't do it. He'll have to know tonight—before bedtime."

She nodded and then got up to leave the porch to welcome Jimmy and Bill home. Her sweet Benny offered a hand to help her down the steps. Just a gentlemanly gesture and not one that anyone would think too much of but it meant the world to her to touch his hand for just those moments. She knew no one else saw the squeeze he gave her hand before releasing it. It wasn't meant for anyone's knowledge but hers. That one gesture gave her the strength to offer a smile to Bill as he dismounted his horse.

Jimmy looked worriedly over to Cody as they entered the yard. He had seen the furtive looks and rushed conversation between Josie and Kid. He wasn't sure exactly what but something had changed. He knew in his heart that Kid would never break his word about making love to Josie but something had changed between them. Only the day before and he would have immediately drug Kid to the barn and beaten the snot out of him but things were different. His head was muddled and he knew he didn't have the experiences to figure out what to do on his own. He looked over at Josie pasting a smile on her face for her husband that might have fooled Cody but Jimmy knew was fake. Ike was waiting to take Sundance for him but he just shook his head.

"Thanks Ike," he said, "I need to go on into town for a little bit. I appreciate the offer all the same."

Ike shrugged and watched as Jimmy rode away.

Jimmy needed to talk to someone about everything. He knew he'd rather not talk to Rachel though with her female intuition he thought she might already have at least an inkling of what was going on. He just wasn't sure how to bring up such a thing to a woman. He couldn't very well talk to the other guys and if he talked to Kid or Cody or even Josie…well, he wouldn't quite know what to say or how much to say. But he knew someone who might just know what to do. The old man hadn't failed to come through for him before.

* * *

"You got something to say, Hickok?" Teaspoon said from under his hat as he leaned back at his desk, "Or you just really like the view from the doorway?"

"I uh, I actually needed some advice," Jimmy said as he entered the office fully and sat down in a chair opposite the desk. He looked up to see the older man had straightened his hat, leaned forward and had one eyebrow arched as he waited for Jimmy's question so Jimmy continued. "I came upon some knowledge recently. Seems someone has a secret from someone else and that someone else would be mighty upset about it and then I discovered the someone else had a secret too. Now that secret should make the someone else less upset by the secret the first someone was keeping but I don't think it will. So I guess I'm not sure what I should do being as I am the only one who knows both secrets."

"Don't supposed you'd like to tell me what either of these secrets might be concerning so's I'd have half an idea what in the Sam hill you're talking about?"

"I wish I could, Teaspoon," Jimmy said grimly, "I really do. I hate being the only one carrying this but I just can't."

"Well, that does make this harder," Teaspoon mused, "All's I can say is that in matters of the heart—as I suspect this might be—sometimes it's best to not interfere. I can't speculate much more'n that without more information. Now if you think more hurt might come from not telling then I guess you got to tell someone but otherwise it might be best just to let sleeping dogs lie as it were."

"I don't know about harm or good in the telling but these dogs ain't sleeping, I don't think. They look to be pacing and getting edgy."

"Son, you got a good head on your shoulders. I think if you just take a breath and think a bit you'll come up with the right thing to do. Unless you want to tell me more, that's the best I'm going to be able to do for you."

Jimmy nodded his understanding before he wandered out squinting his eyes to the midday sun. He had hoped Teaspoon could have told him what he should do. Should he tell Cody about Kid and Josie? Should he tell Kid what he saw on the ride between Cody and Sylvia? But the old man was right, unless Jimmy could say what was going on then Teaspoon couldn't tell him what to do and Jimmy just knew that telling yet another person these things he knew wasn't right—not yet anyway and maybe not ever.

* * *

Kid watched Josie hug Cody and saw Cody kiss her deeply. It killed him a little to see such a thing. He heard Josie tell Cody she was glad he was home safe and he knew she meant it. She always worried when any of them were away. Kid wanted to share her sentiments and maybe he did a little but God help him, a part of him wondered how much easier things would be if Cody hadn't made it home in one piece, if he hadn't made it home at all.

The very thought sickened him. This was love, he knew it. Love was supposed to be a beautiful thing. It was supposed to make everything good. It had turned him into a man longing for his brother's wife, encouraging her to get a divorce, wishing his brother harm. It had turned him into someone he didn't even recognize. Kid looked on helplessly as he saw Cody climb the porch and sit next to Josie while she worked on that blanket. There was no mistaking the love in Cody's eyes as he looked at her but then, when Cody looked away, Josie looked out into the yard and met his eyes. She smiled. Kid's heart was once again full and he doubted nothing that had to be done.

Josie hated that Benny had to see how Bill kissed her. It wasn't a typical kiss he would give her when he returned and she knew that Benny noticed too. She could see the anger flash in his eyes and she felt a bit of it too. Not only was that kiss horribly upsetting to Benny but she understood what it meant.

Once she and Bill were on the porch and he was making small talk she dared to ask.

"What was her name?"

She watched the color drain from Bill's face.

"I ain't mad," she told him, "You said before you left that we'd talk when you got back and I guess this is that talk. I was scared when you told me you loved me 'cause I ain't ready to say it back. Now I see you weren't really ready to say it in the first place. It's okay."

She wasn't sure where she had found it in herself to say those things, to be so bold but she guessed it had something to do with the man with the soft brown curls across the yard. What she said was true but Bill looked like he wanted to dispute it.

"Bill," she said before he could form an argument, "You are a sweet man but please do not lie to me. It's alright. I told you I ain't mad. You been good to me, you have. Don't spoil it by telling me lies."

Cody was truly taken aback but then deflated by her words. She was right.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I do care for you, Josie. I really do."

He wasn't sure who this strong woman in front of him was but he sort of liked her. She excited him and he hoped that her passionate words could turn to passionate actions that night.

Josie raised her hand and laid it on his cheek.

"I know you do Bill. I know you always have."

* * *

Josie couldn't bring herself to join in the dinner conversation at all. She knew what was to come and it tied her stomach in knots. She picked at her food and looked over to see Benny was doing the same thing.

"Ain't you feeling good, Josie?" Cody asked, his eyes filled with concern that was nearly Josie's undoing.

"I'm fine, Bill," she answered conjuring a smile that felt so wrong. "I guess this just isn't setting right with me tonight. It happens sometimes. Something sounds so good and then it's in front of me and I can't even choke it down."

She knew she talked too much. It was suspicious. She willed herself to just shut her mouth.

"That does happen," Rachel jumped in seeing what was happening, "I remember thinking that blueberry pie sounded good for a month solid when I was expecting and then I would make it and not even be able to look at it or stand the smell. Henry ate a lot of blueberry pie in those days."

Everyone chuckled and Cody made some remark about how he could get used to blueberry pie every day. The attention was off of Josie and how much or little she was eating. Josie caught Rachel's eye and Rachel gave a small nod. Josie smiled. It was comforting to know that there was at least one person on her side…well, hers and Benny's.

Conversation resumed and no one took any further notice of Josie except to tell her that she had once again prepared a wonderful meal. Cody got three helpings himself and an extra piece of pie. Kid just kept pushing the food around his plate. It wasn't that he had any problem with the meal. He considered it a perk that someday this would be the kind of fare he could expect his Josie to make for him. And she was his Josie. That was the reason for his lack of appetite that night actually. When Teaspoon had asked why he wasn't eating much, Kid had brushed the question away saying he had eaten too many cookies that afternoon and now wasn't that hungry. Thankfully no one seemed to remember that he had barely touched the treats Josie had brought to the bunkhouse that day.

At long last, the only people in the bunkhouse were Kid, Josie and Cody. Josie was clearing dishes and tidying up the bunkhouse while Kid was still absently pushing his food around his plate and Cody was nearly licking the crumbs from his plate that had held his second piece of pie.

"This sure was good, Josie," Cody said with enthusiasm, "Can't get nothing like this when I'm on a ride. You don't know what you're missing, Kid. Her crust is so flaky and just melts in your mouth. I asked her once what her secret was and you know what she said? Love. She told me she puts love in everything she cooks and that's why it's good. I think it's something else though. Maybe that is all it is."

All the while Cody was rattling on, looks were passing between Kid and Josie. She looked fearfully at him and he nodded back to her. It was time. She came over to the table and sat next to Kid. And they both looked at Cody waiting for him to at least take a breath. Finally he stopped talking and Kid looked solemnly across the table. Josie's hands were folded in her lap and out of sight but she reached next to her and gave Kid's hand a squeeze which he returned. Whatever happened, whatever they had to face, they were together in this and doing it for each other.

"You know you got a weird look on your face, Kid," Cody said trying to smile but somehow feeling that it wasn't right to. "You got some bad news for me or something? News about my sister maybe? You look too serious."

"Cody," Kid began, "I need to talk to you. I need to tell you something."

Cody could see Josie's lip start to quiver and the resolve in Kid's eyes. It scared him.

"You ain't sick are you, Josie? Nothing's wrong with the baby, is it?"

She just shook her head and continued fighting the tears.

"Cody, just listen," Kid continued, "We need to tell you something. And I need you to know it wasn't something anyone set out to have happen. It just…we just…oh hell Cody, Josie and me fell in love. We didn't plan it but we both feel it. It wasn't right to talk in front of the others about something so private but we're asking for you to understand that this wasn't in our control. It's just something we felt. Like magnets…you know how magnets work? They're just drawn to each other and there isn't really anything you can do about that pull."

"No," Cody said shaking his head, "No, you are not sitting here calmly telling me you fell in love with my wife! You are not, Kid! What are you even trying to do with this? Just see how bad you can hurt me?"

"We're asking you to understand," Kid said, "We're asking you to grant Josie a divorce. Step aside and let us be together."

Kid saw Cody's hand go reflexively to his hip and was thankful the rule about guns at the supper table was still in place.

"You bastard!" Cody bellowed and Josie let out a small squeak of fear when Cody stood and threw his plate across the room. "We're all brothers, you say. You know the right things to do, you say. And you take up with another man's wife! To hell with you! To hell with both of you!"

Josie clung to Benny's arm as she watched Bill storm out the door.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"It's okay," Kid said standing and heading toward the door. "You should probably stay here but I have to talk to him."

"I have to come with you," she said defiantly.

Kid nodded but then placed a hand on her arm.

"Just stay back, okay? I know I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you or the baby. And he might not realize it right now but Cody couldn't live with that either."

"I'll be careful," she agreed and they both walked out into the growing night to find Cody still visibly seething.

"Cody," Kid began but was cut off.

"You are the last person I want to hear a damned thing from right now. You should go by your real name, you know. It fits you better. You're worse though. Benedict Arnold betrayed his country. You betrayed your own brother."

As he spoke, Cody walked off the porch and into the yard where Kid followed him wincing at the words.

"I never meant-ˮ

"You never meant what, Kid? You never meant to steal my wife? You never meant to commit adultery? You never meant to destroy my hope for a family? What is it you never meant? God, you really are a bastard."

Cody's voice was rising with every word he said and it was carrying to the rest of the station well. Soon the others were gathered around and trying to figure what the fight was about. Jimmy knew and stood near to Kid and Josie. He still wasn't sure where he came down on this whole situation but he worried for Josie's safety and he knew Kid was probably going to need a friend pretty damned bad real soon, if he didn't already. Rachel stood near Josie. Teaspoon stood off to the side but between the feuding brothers. The others weren't sure what to do.

"Yeah," Kid yelled back, "All of those things. Damn it, Cody, this wasn't how things was supposed to be. I was supposed to be with Lou anyway. And even when that didn't work, I never set out to fall in love with a woman who was someone else's. You got to know that about me!"

By now the others heard enough and Ike, Buck and Noah all stood behind Cody.

"I thought I knew that," Cody yelled, "But I guess I didn't."

Cody emphasized his point with a punch to Kid's jaw. Maybe Kid was surprised by the punch or maybe he felt he deserved it but it laid him out for a moment or two. Josie screamed and Rachel hurried to see to her. Cody took advantage of Kid being down to jump onto the man he had long seen as a brother and land a few more punches before Kid found some leverage to roll and began pummeling Cody.

"No!" Josie screamed, "Benny stop! You'll kill him! Please stop!"

Her words cut through to Kid when even Jimmy's and Buck's arms around him trying to pull him off failed. He dropped his fists and stood. Stepping back from Cody he just looked blankly ahead. He still wanted to beat on him some more. Suddenly every time he knew that Cody had touched Josie, his Josie, came to him and he wanted to kill him right then. But Josie was crying and begging him not to and for her, he would control himself and his anger.

Cody stood and wiped the blood from his mouth and then looked at Kid and his blood boiled over once more as he lunged at the other man who was not even raising his arms to protect himself.

"Bill! Stop! It's not his fault! Not only!"

And Cody did stop. And he looked at Josie and something seemed to fall into place in his mind.

"You!" he said with a sneer, "You…so shy and quiet and acting all fearful. And you turned on me. You said you was so scared everyone would think you was a whore because of the baby. Maybe they ought to think it. Maybe they ought to know you're nothing but a dirty, disgusting whore. You throw yourself at me to get out of what you say was a bad place and then give me the cold shoulder while you're keeping my brother warm!"

"I ain't no whore! You should know that! You're quite the expert on them now, aren't you? Well me and Benny didn't do half what you did with that saloon girl! And at least I love him!"

All of the onlookers took a step back at that. They weren't even sure what they were shocked most about. It could be that Cody'd been getting friendly with the saloon girls while married and it could have been that he'd told Josie about it or it could have been that sweet little Josie just stood up for herself like they worried she'd never be able to do. It might even have been hearing the declaration of love from her mouth.

"Well, I ain't giving you no divorce," Cody growled at her, "I'm going to bed. Our bed."

He began to stomp off but Rachel caught up with him.

"Cody, I know you're hurt and angry. I know and you've every right to be. But don't you think it would be better to sleep on the couch for tonight? Josie should have the bed. I know you're angry with her but you aren't angry at that baby, are you? That baby needs her to stay healthy and rested."

"Never said she couldn't sleep in the bed with me," Cody grumbled, "She's still my wife."

"Cody, sweetie, this has been a very emotional night," Rachel nearly cooed at him, "I think it would be best if the two of you had a little space for a while. Maybe things will be clearer in the morning and maybe they won't but being that close when you're as mad as you are and she's as frightened as she is…I just don't think that's good for the baby, or anyone else."

Cody nodded finally that he would take the couch.

Out in the yard, Teaspoon was giving Jimmy a glare such that Jimmy nearly wilted under the weight of it. Teaspoon now understood what Jimmy had been talking about earlier and wasn't any too pleased to have had this come on him like it did. Jimmy tried to give a look that said that it was Teaspoon who had said basically not to interfere.

"I don't know what everyone's looking at," Teaspoon said addressing his boys, "Ain't none of you that good looking that you all got to stand around staring at each other."

Reluctantly the guys started wandering away but still they stole glances at Kid and Josie. She had gone to him and was studying his face where Cody had beaten it.

"Oh Benny," she said through her tears, "I am so sorry. Look what he did to you."

Her fingers traced over the places on his face that were just beginning to swell as her eyes shone a bright love for him. Jimmy could see what was in her look to him. He could see it and he knew that he had been standing behind the right man. He knew Cody didn't mean any of the things he said to Josie but he knew that backing love was the right move. Looking across, he could see the others beginning to understand as well.

Kid looked deep into Josie's eyes and she looked back. No words passed between them and they didn't even kiss. She just touched his face and he rested his hands one on her shoulder and one on the curve of her belly. With every movement of her fingers over his face, his shoulders relaxed a little more. There was relief in having this behind him, behind them. He moved the hand that had rested on her shoulder and lightly skimmed it over her cheeks, tracing where her tears had gone and were still going. This might not be over but the worst of it was and Josie was here in front of him, crying for him, caring for him. He had hated the hurt he'd seen in Cody's eyes but he'd do that ten more times if it meant they were together.

The others, Buck, Noah, Ike and even Jimmy stared even as they tried not to. They couldn't help but feel for Cody. He had thought he was living a life it turned out he wasn't. And their first instincts had been to be angry with Kid but watching the pair now, it was evident their love had a light that everyone could see.

* * *

**So this chapter was not fun to write. Cody's so hurt. Things are so fractured. And it isn't going to get better for a while...it's only just begun too hit the fan. I thank you all for sticking with me. And as always, I thank my dear Myrtle for holding my hand through the ugliness.-J**


	16. Chapter 16

Cody curled onto the couch in the sitting room of the house. It wasn't comfortable but, begrudgingly, he had agreed that the baby deserved the bed. Josie did not but the baby did and since the baby was in her, that meant she got the bed. He thought about the events of the night and things began to make sense and make him angrier. The way Kid had opened up about his name to her, the way she stopped wanting to be intimate…she had been pulling away for a while.

There was so much to be angry at and so much hurt that he was feeling. She had been carrying on for a week or more with a man he considered a brother. That man had willingly gone along or had maybe even initiated. Her words told him they hadn't crossed that one last physical boundary but that hardly mattered. He could tell they had some intimacy between them and it infuriated him.

It was true that he didn't love her. He had tried but it just didn't happen and he wondered how much of it was her fault. In the beginning she had tried to love him too. They had both been trying and if they had both kept trying then maybe it could have happened. But she gave up. She stopped trying because she stopped wanting to love him. She didn't need to love him. She loved someone else. She loved that traitor.

He had kept his eyes closed as Josie and Rachel came in and he could only barely make out their whispers.

"I'm so sorry, Rachel. It's all a big mess."

"Shh…it's not that bad. It just seems that way right now."

"Look at him. I hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him. He was always so careful of me."

"I know. He's a good boy. You need your rest. Go to sleep. Nothing else can be dealt with until morning."

Then it was quiet again as the women made their way up the stairs. His heart almost softened at Josie's words. She felt bad. It didn't change what she'd done, what she'd asked of him. It might have been Kid who actually uttered the word 'divorce' but it was Josie that was asking for it. He wouldn't have been nearly as upset if she had told him that first day that she wanted an annulment or even in the first couple of days if she had said it wasn't working. And maybe if she had come to him at this point and asked for a divorce because she just didn't love him, well, it would hurt but in honesty, he didn't love her either. Well, he did love her but he wasn't in love with her and that was really the heart of it. But to have it come as it had. With another man making the request and knowing they had been plotting this behind his back. The betrayal was more than he thought he could stand.

Things got completely quiet in the house. He no longer heard movement from upstairs and had actually listened for Josie to leave the bed and walk to the lamp and go back to bed. He no longer heard footsteps overhead from Rachel's room either. He waited a while longer, his anger building. It wasn't just that Kid was taking his wife, it wasn't even that Kid and Josie had humiliated him in front of the others. Kid was going to be the father of that child now. Cody's eyes welled with tears as he thought of every time he had rubbed over her belly and felt the squirming from beneath her skin. That life was supposed to be his to raise. He was supposed to be Pa to that child. He was supposed to teach the child to fish or shoot or dance. That was his son or daughter and Kid just stepped in and took it from him and Josie was letting him…offering up to someone else what had been his.

Once Cody was certain that everyone was asleep, he got up and headed up the stairs. He walked into the room that had briefly been his to share with his wife. There she was. She was sound asleep, like an angel. She was supposed to be his angel. The very thought that she had been giving anything at all of herself to Kid while he had gotten nothing at all made his blood boil anew. He ripped the blankets off the bed actually smiling at her shock as she suddenly woke. She looked at him with fear. It felt good to have some power for once. He'd tried so hard to not be that demanding type of man to Josie and his life was the one spiraling out of his control. He was going to take a little back while he still could.

"Bill?" Josie said fearfully.

"Get that damned nightgown off! I still got rights, you know."

"Bill," she squeaked still curled in on herself on the bed, "You're scaring me."

"Maybe you ought to be scared of me," he growled, "Maybe I should've made you scared from the start. You're the one that put your daddy's gun barrel in my back after all. You gave it away to what's-his-name at the bank and then you blamed me. Shouldn't even surprise me. You'll give it up for anyone at all won't you? Hell, I could've had you that first night. I fell for those big scared eyes though. I fell for the innocent act. I waited for you to think and choose. I waited until you offered yourself to me."

He was hovering over her while she shrunk back into the mattress. He was right. His anger was right. She was no good, never had been and never would be.

"You made the offer," he ranted on, "You said you were trying. You agreed to be my wife…MY WIFE! You promised yourself to me. I just want what you promised me."

"I'm sorry, Bill," she said cowering tighter to the headboard as if to try to make herself smaller, maybe even as small as she felt right then. "I'm so sorry."

"I shouldn't have to remind you who you belong to," he sneered tugging on her nightgown and feeling satisfaction as he heard the fabric rip. "Tell me now. Who do you belong to?"

"Y-you."

"Damn right!" he looked down at her newly exposed body. "First right thing you said since we met. Everything else was lies. You're a liar, Josie. Say it! Tell me what a lair you are."

"I'm a liar," she whispered through her tears.

"You're a whore too! You're worse than any of the girls in the saloons. You made me care. You made me hope."

He grabbed her shoulders and shook her, digging his fingers into her flesh.

"Tell me you're a whore! Admit it!"

Josie was barely able to choke out the word, "whore."

Out of the corner of his eye, Cody caught the mirror and his own reflection in it. His face was streaked with tears he wasn't aware he'd been crying. His eyes blazed and his mouth contorted in rage. He was a monster. He released her as if she were hot coals.

"Look what you did! Look what you turned me into, Josie! Look at me!"

Rachel had heard the commotion and was now in the doorway. What she saw terrified her. Cody was standing over the bed his breath heaving and his fists balled tightly at his sides. Josie's nightgown hung in tatters on her body. Both were crying.

"Cody!" she hollered, "Get out!"

Cody just stood there, still frozen with the shock of seeing himself in the mirror.

"Cody!" Rachel yelled again, more sharply and Cody seemed to jump to attention and run out of the room nearly knocking Rachel over as he pushed past her.

Rachel rushed to the bed where Josie was clutching her belly and rocking back and forth whispering 'whore' over and over.

Scanning Josie and seeing no immediate injury and feeling her tummy for the baby, Rachel satisfied herself with Josie's relative well being.

"Stay right here," she ordered and then hurried out of the house yelling for Teaspoon.

By the time she reached the middle of the yard, not only was Teaspoon there to meet her but the boys were all out of the bunkhouse as well. Before Rachel could say a word, Cody came out of the barn, jumped on his horse and rode like the devil was on his tail.

"What's the matter, Rachel?" Teaspoon asked.

Rachel opened her mouth to answer but then Kid butted in.

"Is Josie alright? Please tell me she's okay?"

"She'll be fine," Rachel answered, "I'll see to her."

"I have to see her," he insisted and ran toward the house. Rachel thought to try to stop him.

"Oh let the boy check on her," Teaspoon said, "And explain what in the blazes is going on."

She looked at the boy standing there listening, waiting for her answer. Teaspoon got her small nod.

"Morning ain't going to wait around for you to get enough sleep," he said and the boys just stood there a moment, "Go on now, get!"

Reluctantly they all walked slowly back to the bunkhouse and back to bed. Once they were out of earshot, Rachel turned and explained what she knew of the situation to Teaspoon.

"Lordy Lord," was all he said.

* * *

Kid ran up the stairs taking them two at a time and then stopped dead outside the room. The door was open and he couldn't see Josie from the hall but he could hear her crying. He was torn in two right then. He wanted to run back out and take out after Cody and kill him. He didn't know all that had happened but he knew Cody had done something to Josie. But as much as he wanted to make Cody pay for Josie's tears, he needed to see that Josie was okay. He needed to take care of her. His need to see her won out and he cautiously walked into the room.

He wasn't sure what to make of what he saw when he got inside the room. Josie was sitting tight against the headboard of the bed clutching a torn nightgown around her belly. The blankets were on the floor and he scooped them up as he went to her. He put the blankets over her for her modesty and ran his fingers over her face.

"Josie, sweetheart, are you alright?"

She shook her head.

"I'm a whore," she whispered, "A liar, a whore."

"No," he said softly, "No, that's not true. You are not a whore."

"Worse. Worse than a whore."

"It's going to be okay," he told her, "He's gone now."

"Doesn't matter. Just a whore…just a whore."

Rachel had made her way up the stairs and stood in the doorway a moment. She could see Kid was getting nowhere. She gave him just a short while more to get through to the girl.

"Josie-ˮ

"Go away, Kid," she whispered emphasizing the name others called him, the name she had never called him and her tears renewed, "Go away, leave me alone."

Rachel moved into the room.

"Go on," she said putting a hand on his shoulder.

"I can't leave her, Rachel."

"You have to. She needs another woman around right now. I promise I'll get you if she needs you."

"What did he do to her?" he growled and Rachel took him by the arm and led him to the hall.

"That anger has no place in that room while she's trying to get better."

"What did he do?" he looked to her with eyes raw with pain.

"I think mostly he scared her," Rachel said, "Probably scared himself too."

"If he hurt her…"

"Go back to bed, Kid. Let me take care of her."

"But-ˮ

"Go."

He trudged down the stairs and into the yard. He knew he was supposed to go to the bunkhouse but instead he went to the barn. He just made it to Katy's stall when he heard the voice behind him.

"Don't know where you think you're going but I can tell you where you _are _going and that's back to the bunkhouse," Teaspoon said.

"I can't do that, Teaspoon," Kid asserted, "I can't let him get away with this."

"Kid, go back to bed. Aside from the fact that I can fire you, I can outdraw you too. Do not press me on this, son. Go to bed and stay there. Seems to me it's more important that you're here and well rested tomorrow to help that girl than go out for revenge."

Kid thought to try to overpower the older man but he knew that Teaspoon was right, if it came down to it; Teaspoon could outdraw him and would therefore get the upper hand. And once he thought about what Teaspoon had said, he decided the man was right. He needed to be nearby unless Josie needed him.

* * *

Rachel went back into Josie's room and first she went to the chest of drawers and pulled out a fresh nightgown for the girl. Then she went over to the bed and climbed next to Josie.

"Sweetie, let's get you out of that torn thing."

Josie didn't look up but she allowed Rachel to get her out of the torn nightgown that she had been wearing and even raised her arms enough to allow the fresh nightgown to be put over her head. Rachel tried not to react to the marks on Josie's shoulders. She would have bruises by morning but the skin was not broken anywhere. Rachel got up and straightened the blankets and then climbed back onto the bed and pulled the blankets over Josie and herself as she pulled the girl to her.

"It's alright sweetie," she cooed, "You're safe precious girl."

"No, I don't deserve…"

"You deserve all the love anyone else does," Rachel said softly, "You are a sweet girl. You are kind and you are very special to me and to everyone here. You are a part of this family and you are in my heart. I love you like family now, honey. You are so very, very precious to me. You are safe and you have a home and a family now. Family doesn't reject family when things go wrong. That's when family gets stronger."

"I love you Rachel," Josie said timidly.

"Oh my sweet baby girl, I love you too. Get some sleep now."

* * *

Before dawn the next morning Cody was leading his horse into the yard when he nearly walked right into Teaspoon. Cody could hardly bring himself to meet Teaspoon's eyes.

"Cody you smell like saloon and cheap perfume," Teaspoon said, "It's not bad enough you had to act that way last night, you went into town to act a fool too?"

Cody could find nothing to say in return. He was still hurting and going into town hadn't had the effect he'd wanted it to and he didn't like who he'd become the night before but then he couldn't feel guilty…not when Kid and Josie should feel so much more guilt.

Teaspoon looked at the young man in front of him. His anger slowly faded when he saw the tears making their way down poor Cody's cheeks.

"I know, son. I know. This weren't how things were supposed to go. It happens though. We can't control where Cupid shoots his arrows. Why I remember…oh it was my second wife. I thought we were going to make it forever. She thought so too at first but then that was before she met Harry. I yelled and ranted and called the both of them every name I could think of. Didn't do nothing but make them feel worse than they already did and drive them closer together. I finally gave in and let her go free…let her go to Harry. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. It was a big blow to my pride, I can tell you that."

"What happened with them, Teaspoon?"

"Well seems last I heard they was still together. Raised up five young 'uns…still happy as newlyweds. Some things are just meant to be and far be it from mere mortals like us to question it."

Teaspoon noticed the sun was beginning to tint the horizon and looked back to Cody.

"I got the sweat lodge ready to go. You go on in and the rest of us will be joining you shortly."

Teaspoon strode over to the bunkhouse and slammed the door open.

"Everybody up and at 'em!" he hollered, "To the sweat lodge now! We need to talk."

The young men all rolled groggily out of bed and grumbled as they staggered out toward the sweat lodge.

"I need to check on Josie," Kid said low in Teaspoon's ear.

Teaspoon nodded to the house.

"Don't see a light in her room yet," he observed, "Maybe you ought to let her get some rest."

They ducked into the sweat lodge and saw Cody and it was all any of them could do to keep Kid from attacking Cody.

"Stop it right now," Teaspoon yelled, "Sit! Every single one of you sit down now!"

They complied.

"Now that's better," Teaspoon smiled, "Now we've had some big changes around here and I been remiss in seeing we're all okay about them. I ain't just talking about last night but everything that's happened since young Cody here rode in with his bride. I didn't think we was going to have problems because the poor thing just seemed to need a place in the world. Maybe we should've had a talk then. But now things has changed even more. We all was in the yard last night and I think we all know that Josie and the Kid here done fell in love."

He glared around at all of them daring anyone to interrupt.

"Now first we need to remember that Josie was in one heck of a pickle back home and she acted out of desperation and without a lot of thought. We should also remember that it weren't just her say so that they not get this thing annulled. It took two people to make that choice. But acting like a married couple don't mean you're in love. And try as you might, you can't make yourself fall in love with someone and you can't make anyone fall in love with you. It might sound like I'm choosing sides and I want you to know the only side I am choosing is the family. You all are like sons to me and I don't want to see a one of you hurt ever. I know that ain't realistic and in this situation there's bound to be some hurt. But I ain't going to sit here and say Kid is right or Cody is. I just ain't. That's not what we're about."

He paused and took a breath.

"We do need some rules. The first rule is that you all are brothers and right now you might be angry and want to tear each other limb from limb but you're still brothers and you will refrain from doing each other any bodily harm. Eventually we, as a family, will come to the other side of this and I want us all still standing when we do. Next rule is that this is still a place of employ. You have jobs to do. Chores and rides and running off at all hours of the night ain't going to get your work done. Lastly, Josie is to be treated with respect. You all know how to treat a woman proper and she still deserves that and do not make me remind you how she has bent over backward to show each and every one of you kindness. She is not the bad guy here anymore than any of your brothers are. That's all. Now get going and get to your chores."

They all filed out of the sweat lodge with Kid and Cody staring daggers at one another. Neither would go against Teaspoon or his orders but it took all the self control either of them had to not act on their anger. As he left the sweat lodge, Kid noticed Rachel heading toward the house with a basket of eggs. He hurried to her.

"How's Josie?"

"I think she's a little better this morning," Rachel replied, "She got some sleep."

"He didn't hurt her, did he?"

"I think he grabbed her harder than he meant to and she's got a couple small bruises on her shoulders but that's all."

"Can I see her? Please, Rachel?"

"I suppose," she relented, "I helped her get dressed so she should be near to ready."

Kid opened the door for Rachel and then walked in the house himself. He didn't see her but then Rachel nodded toward the stairs. He went up and paused outside the bedroom. Josie sat on the edge of the bed with her shoes on the bed next to her just staring at her stocking clad feet. She had tried to put her shoes on but her hands were shaking far too much to do up the laces.

She heard him come down the hall. Part of her wanted to run to him but part of her knew he was probably coming to tell her that he didn't want her now that he saw her for what she was.

Kid somehow just knew she was having trouble and without a word or thought he knelt before her and took one shoe. He cupped his hand around the back of her heel and slid it gently into the shoe and then did the laces.

"Is that too tight?"

She shook her head and he repeated the action with her other foot. She was nearly in tears from the gentleness and caring being shown her right then. It was so nurturing. When the second shoe was done up, Kid stood and took her hands in his and helped her to her feet. Her hair was mostly down and he moved a few strands that had fallen onto her face. She lifted her eyes to his and looked so frightened and sad. He just opened his arms and felt his heart nearly burst when she fell into him sobbing.

"I'm sorry…I don't…I just…"

"Shh," he soothed her as he rubbed his hand up and down her back and kissed her tenderly on the top of her head. "It's okay…I know. I know."

Rachel stood in the doorway watching. Her hand lifted and she placed her fingers over her mouth at the wonder and purity of the love and care before her. She was transfixed and moved by it. After allowing them some time to just be and Josie a chance to cry her sorrows out a little, Rachel cleared her throat softly.

"You two should come down for breakfast."

* * *

**I want you all to know I almost quit writing this story part way into this chapter. Poor Josie and poor Codester...I really didn't want to write anymore and I almost didn't. I cannot thank Myrtle enough to forcusing my thoughts and my sweet ladies at the plus...Alfie, Beulah, Eunice (yeah that's your name now Anita...deal)...they rallied around me and gave me the strength to push forward with this.**

**I know parts of this might've been tough to read, they sure the heck were tough to write...but I like to think we left off here with a hope for some healing. I'm not saying all is well or anything but maybe there's hope that things might be someday.-J**


	17. Chapter 17

When Cody had ridden away, he wasn't even sure where he was going. He was just trying to outrun the image of himself. He was not a bad guy. He did not hurt women. But he had hurt her. He didn't want to think about how hard he grabbed her, how her head flew back and forth with the force of him shaking her. He didn't want to think about her body exposed by the torn fabric of her nightgown or the demands he had made of her. Most of all he didn't want to think of his own words. He was angry and he believed in his deepest self that he had every right to be angry and hurt and humiliated. But he had said such terrible things to her.

But then the things he said weren't untrue really. She had betrayed him…with his own brother. She had lied to him, allowed him to hope for something he could not have. He had done everything in his power to be good to her, to make the best of a bad situation. He was a young man who'd still been sowing his wild oats and then he had a gun to his back, been roughed up by her enormous brothers and forced to the front of a church where he had to promise to be true forever to a woman he'd met once for scarcely five minutes.

He should have been furious then but he'd put her feelings first. He'd tried to help her and give her gentleness he could tell she had lacked. He had held back and if the truth was told he had wanted all she offered the very first night by the fire. She was a very pretty girl and she would have willingly done all he had asked but he didn't ask anything of her.

He turned his life upside down for her. He had left Carla when she was naked and waiting for him. He hadn't gone back to Sylvia because of Josie. He had felt guilty over those indiscretions when she had her own and wasn't guilty at all.

Worst of all, she had turned his whole family against him. Everything was for Josie and the baby. He had been crammed onto the sofa because she needed sleep for the baby. He was kicked out of his soft bed so that she could be comfortable. Maybe she should have thought about the baby and its needs before she saw to her own desires with a man that wasn't her husband. Seems it would have served her right to have to sleep on the stupid little couch.

Before he knew it he was in town. His first thought was to turn around. The last thing he wanted or needed was a bunch of people around. As much as the commotion of the saloon was often comforting to him, he doubted much of anything would be a comfort…except…a smile ghosted his lips. Yeah, there was comfort to be had. He draped the reins around the hitching post in front of the saloon.

With large strides, he closed the distance to the batwing doors and walked through them with purpose. He took only a moment before he spotted what he needed. Her name was Stella and she was relatively new to their saloon though she was obviously not new to saloons in general. Her hair was a dark and dull blonde embellished with bright feathers as if she could become young again with the accessories of a younger woman. He didn't suppose she really was old actually but as Teaspoon might put it, she looked as though she'd been ridden hard and put away wet. That was just fine with Cody as he needed someone he could ride hard. Cody strode over to Stella and put a hand solidly on her shoulder. Her eyes turned to him. They were brown and nearly as hardened as her face. He stared into her eyes only a moment before taking hold of her arm and pulling her toward the stairs.

"Well, hello there, sugar," she said in a deep and throaty voice, "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm skipping the part where you rub against me and try to talk me into going upstairs. Name's Cody and I already know what I want and I know you want a customer."

By this time they were at the top of the stairs.

"Which room is yours?" he asked his eyes boring holes into her and turning her insides in ways a man hadn't been able to do in a very long time. Her usual control over situations was gone and she mutely nodded to a door behind him.

Cody saw something shift in her eyes and it increased his need. He took her hand and pulled her into the room. Before Stella could even comprehend what was happening, he had them undressed and her backed against the wall. This was not how things usually went. Men usually came in and they dropped their pants while she dropped her dress. Depending on the man, some undressed more but this…this was not how things typically went.

"I have a bed," she squeaked overwhelmed and almost frightened by the fire in his eyes.

"We'll get there," he said before he allowed all the hurt and humiliation and anger to be released.

Stella didn't know what to think about what was happening. She'd had men in nearly every fashion at one time of another. Being against the wall wasn't exactly new to her and Cody's actions bordered on rough but that wasn't exactly new either. What was different was that even though this was possibly the angriest she thought a man had ever come to her, he was gentle. She never feared that he might hurt her. Something else was different—the welling of pleasure within her. Some men didn't care if they made her feel good and others wanted her to pretend. Well they wanted her to cry out in pleasure and that was always pretending. It wasn't with Cody. As he continued to let go of his anger with his actions, she dug her nails into his shoulders and cried out from something she hadn't actually experienced in a very long time. She'd at one time felt such things but it had been so long since this act had been anything but a cold business transaction she had almost forgotten that there was pleasure to be derived by both parties. But there she was, limp as a ragdoll in his arms and trembling from bliss. Her legs were still wrapped around him as he held her and carried her across the room.

"Let's see about that bed," he said, his voice rumbling low in her ear and making all the little hairs on her arms and neck stand on end. "I don't think we're near to done, do you?"

She could only shake her head which was still reeling from what he had done. Stella could see a smile cross his face. It reminded her of a cat with a cornered mouse that knew it could just play with the poor creature for a while. It made her shudder with anticipation for what he would do next.

He had her repeatedly and Stella thought her mind might burst from what he did to her. It had been so long since a man had touched her like Cody had. And no man had caused the flurry of pleasure within her.

Cody had felt emasculated by what had transpired at the station. He needed to remind himself he still had power, that he had control over his life, that he was still a virile man. And that he could still bring the pleasure to a woman and not the cruelty he had tried to visit on Josie.

Cody caught Stella's body as her exhaustion and bliss brought it to collapse on top of him. They'd been at this all night and Cody knew morning was near. He gently rested her sweat slicked body next to him and stood to collect his clothes. He began to dress and lifted his eyes from the buttons on his pants only when he heard the body on the mattress next to him shift. His eyes met Stella's and then traveled the length of her naked form.

"Why don't you stay a bit longer, sugar," she whispered, "I ain't been made to feel like this in longer than I can remember."

He just looked at her as he buttoned his shirt and then dropped the money on the bedside table before grabbing his gun belt and jacket and walking out of the room.

He'd headed back to the station knowing that whatever he'd hoped to accomplish in the saloon had been a failure. He felt no better and actually felt worse. Teaspoon chastising him when he got home didn't help things at all and the meeting in the sweat lodge might've been an attempt to keep there from being more problems or blame but it sure felt like everyone was blaming him.

He left the sweat lodge and only half took note of Kid heading into the house with Rachel. Josie was Kid's now and Cody knew he'd have to live with it. He thought about Stella's impassioned cries through the night, the look of surprise that overtook her every time he pushed her to that point of pleasure. She had called out his name and God's and uttered many unintelligible things and even some curses. She had wanted him to stay. Whores did not ask customers to stay but she asked him. He could make a whore desire him but he couldn't make her love him and he couldn't love her in return. He couldn't make his wife love him and he couldn't love her either. Maybe he was unlovable or maybe he was the one not really capable of love. Either way, he worried for the loneliness that would dog his life. He wouldn't deny that all he and Stella did was lots of fun but it still left him empty and angrier and more hurt. As he headed toward the morning chores, he felt a hand close around his elbow.

"You okay, son?" Teaspoon asked in a voice filled with such concern that Cody damned near started crying. "There ain't no one in the bunkhouse now and won't be for a little while. How about you and me sit for a little bit and talk."

Cody only nodded not trusting his voice. The men sat and Teaspoon looked worriedly at the young man before him.

"You see now that you didn't love her, right?"

Cody nodded.

"Did the saloon make you feel any better?"

Cody shook his head and Teaspoon offered a sad smile at that.

"Didn't figure it would," he said dryly, "Seems most things you go in there for when you're in a mood like you was, only make a man feel worse."

"They hate me now, don't they, Teaspoon?"

"No, I don't expect they do," the older man answered, "I expect they're seeing your side pretty clear right now, maybe better'n Kid's. You'd have 'em totally behind you, probably, if you didn't try to hurt her."

"I was so mad, Teaspoon," Cody said and he let the tears begin to fall, "So mad. I didn't even know what I was doing. I was going to force her…I ain't never forced no one before. It usually disgusts me to even think such a thing. I grabbed her so hard. I didn't hurt her, did I? Oh God, please say I didn't hurt her. I mean, I'm still mad…and she…she…I would've thought not loving her would make it easier but it was like being stabbed through the heart all the same. She hurt me bad but still, I don't want to harm her. She's alright, ain't she?"

"I figure she is or I would've heard about it," Teaspoon assured him. "Of all my boys, you and Ike are the last I would figure could ever break the way you did. But then you was under a great strain. A lesser man would've cracked much sooner. You done right by that girl and you're entitled to being mad and hurt and whatever else you're feeling. But I think maybe you need to get thinking about a divorce a little more serious. You ain't going to stop this and you don't want to still be married to someone who don't want to be married to you no more."

Teaspoon noted the way Cody's jaw set and figured that might not be something to address further right then.

"I also think you owe her an apology."

Cody's head shot up and he opened his mouth to protest. Teaspoon raised a hand to silence any objections that might come.

"I told you it's alright to be mad and hurt but it ain't alright the way you treated her last night. I ain't saying you take on more blame than you're due, just a simple sorry for scaring her and trying to hurt her. I can't figure how you'd object to that. You know you was in the wrong there."

With that Teaspoon stood and left the bunkhouse and Cody.

* * *

Josie made her way across the yard behind Benny and Rachel who were carrying breakfast for the rest of the guys. She wanted to stop, to run back to the house. She hadn't wanted to leave the house in the first place but both Benny and Rachel had convinced her that she needed to face the others at some point and putting it off would only make it harder. So there she was slowly making her way across the yard which had never seemed so large and yet it felt like she was getting there far too quickly.

She saw Rachel disappear into the bunkhouse and then Benny turned and gave her a smile before he went in. Josie stopped and took a breath before walking in after them. She was met with smiles that looked uncomfortable but not completely false and a few even wished her a good morning. She stood a moment as if unsure where to sit but soon there was a place opened next to Rachel. Josie still thought twice about taking the spot. It would put her between Rachel and Jimmy and she wasn't sure how Jimmy felt about her. Then she saw him dish food onto the plate meant for her and look to her as if questioning why she hadn't set down yet. When she did sit down, Jimmy patted her lightly on her forearm and offered a smile when she looked at him.

"Good morning, Jimmy," she said softly.

"Morning, Josie," he replied as if nothing strange had happened the night before. "Would you pass those biscuits down here?"

Jimmy wasn't sure really how to act. Teaspoon had said that they were to be nice and respectful to Josie and frankly, he didn't know another way to be where a woman was concerned. But he didn't want to look like he was choosing a side one way or the other. He had his opinions but he knew that if there was a good time to voice them, this was not it. It was a difficult position to be in but he truly liked the girl. She was sweet and he felt bad for the position she now found herself in. He was glad to help make her smile and relax enough to eat something.

Josie rose as the meal ended and moved to help Rachel clear the dishes and carry them to be washed. Soon she found herself looking into Bill's ice blue eyes. Out of the corner of her eye, Josie could see Rachel tensing and beginning to come toward her but she slightly raised her hand to gesture that she didn't want Rachel stepping in. Josie was frightened but this was the time to face the mess she'd been part of creating. She didn't know what to say at all. She'd apologized many times already and the words sounded hollow and insufficient even to her. She couldn't very well offer a good morning as if the night before hadn't happened. So she just looked at him and waited.

"I'm uh, sorry…for how I acted," he mumbled and forced his eyes to his hat where he could glare without once again being made out to be the bad guy.

"Thank you, Bill," she said, "I accept the apology. It means a lot."

Cody scuffed his feet on the floorboards as he left the bunkhouse and Josie could see the tension leave Rachel.

* * *

Josie sat on the porch with her crocheting. The blanket was nearly finished and then she would move on to focusing more on the clothes she could make for the baby and finishing the quilt. The baby made a large and sudden movement that all but took her breath from her and she grabbed at her belly. It was hard to believe with as big as she'd gotten that she was still almost three months from her time. Josie wasn't sure she could bear getting even bigger. It was already getting hard to move around and pretty soon she was sure she wouldn't even be able to put her own shoes on.

"You feeling alright?"

Josie's head jerked up and she was looking into Teaspoon's concerned face.

"Yeah, baby just kicked."

"Guess that's a good thing then," he said and she nodded. "Mind if I sit here with you for a little while?"

She shook her head and patted the spot next to her on the swing where he sat down after removing his hat.

"It's kind of a comfort, ain't it, that no matter how bad one day gets, no matter how much fear or hurt might be in it, that the sun will still rise up over a brand new one?"

Josie looked at him and realized that he was trying to be that nice fatherly figure for her that he was to the boys. She merely nodded.

"I mean look at us here," he went on seeing that he was reaching her at least a little. "Last night there was yelling and fighting and people acting as far outside themselves as they possibly can and then after a few hours of dark, the sun comes up and it's a whole new day. Think God's trying to tell us something with that?"

She looked at him quizzically.

"Maybe that no matter how bad things look that it's not the end of the world. Every day is a new beginning for you, Josie…for all of us. I told the boys I ain't taking sides and I ain't. I will say this though…love looks good on you. I know I give too much advice according to my boys but bear with me while I give you this little pearl of wisdom. I lived a lot. I seen a lot. I've loved, I've lost. When you got a choice to make…if one of the options is love, take that one. It's never wrong."

"Teaspoon," Josie whispered and he turned and leaned to her to hear her better. "Can I hug you?"

He opened his arms to the girl and she fell at him sobbing. He stroked her hair.

"There, there," he said softly, "It's going to be alright. Somehow it'll be fine."

* * *

Later that day, Cody ventured into the house and ran right into Rachel. He immediately dropped his eyes.

"I just…came for my things," he said, "Josie ain't around, is she? I don't want to make this worse."

"She just got up from a nap and she's in the kitchen making butter cookies."

He froze. Butter cookies were his favorite and something his ma had made. He looked to Rachel uncertain and didn't find the consternation he thought he might. He saw worry.

"Guess I'd better hurry before she notices I'm here," he said beginning to walk past her but she put a hand on his arm and held him in place.

"You know I still love you like I do all the others, right?"

He looked at his shoes and Rachel just pulled him into a hug. He hugged her back tight. It felt good to know he hadn't lost everything and everyone.

"I love you too, Rachel."

Cody quickly collected his things and made his way to the bunkhouse. The others were there and even Teaspoon. He had decided that keeping the peace in his own home was more important than any peace that needed keeping in town. Probably Barnett could handle Sweetwater for the day anyway.

Moving toward his bunk, Cody set his things on it and then sat down heavily. The others looked uncomfortable and Kid just glared. When Cody raised his eyes and saw Kid's, he glared right back.

"Teaspoon," Buck said quietly, "You think it's really a good idea…us all sleeping in here together and all?"

Teaspoon was about to answer when Kid stood up.

"I don't think I could sleep under the same roof with a man who leaves marks on a woman," he said grabbing his few worldly possessions. "I'm sure I can find a comfortable spot in the barn."

"Yeah, out with the animals where you belong," Cody muttered under his breath but loud enough that everyone heard him. Kid dropped his things and lunged at Cody who deftly sidestepped the assault as Noah and Buck grabbed Kid.

Kid yelled every curse word he knew and surprised his friends with his vocabulary as they dragged him out of the bunkhouse and toward the barn. Ike picked up Kid's dropped things and followed the guys to the barn. Teaspoon just shot a glare to Cody before he walked out himself.

* * *

Over the next few days life hit a sort of normal. That first day, Josie had made the butter cookies and then for supper made Cody's favorite roast chicken. It had been a peace offering of sorts. She would always care for him and he would always hold a very special place in her heart. He had given her so much and she knew of no other way to say that to him. Words wouldn't come when she tried to speak and she wasn't sure he'd listen to them anyway. But he noticed her efforts in the kitchen were for his benefit.

He hadn't actually been in the bunkhouse when she brought the butter cookies out. So she grabbed a half dozen or so and put them on a plate and set out to find him. He was in the beautiful spot where he'd taken her their first evening at the station when they had needed to talk and figure things out. He had turned when he heard her approach.

He didn't say anything, just fought to hide a scowl.

"You wasn't in with the others," she said, "I didn't want you to miss out."

She held the plate to him and saw his eyes soften to her as they grew moist. He took the plate with a nod and a mumbled thanks. It wasn't an outpouring of emotion but then she hadn't expected a plate of cookies to set everything to rights. She wasn't even sure if it was right to expect things to ever be put to rights. But she knew he understood the gesture and in his way maybe even appreciated it.

After a couple of days Benny ventured to come to her as she worked on the mending or things for the baby. Sometimes he came into the house and kept her company while she baked or prepared their supper. It was something close to a proper courtship.

"So, Josie," Kid said one day as they sat on the porch. She was just finishing the blanket she'd been crocheting. "I was wondering about things. Like I don't know your favorite color. Say I wanted to buy you an anniversary present like a hat and I don't even know what color you'd like."

"Blue," she said, "I don't know yours either."

He blushed and looked down.

"It's blue too."

She smiled and then raised an eyebrow.

"Ain't you getting ahead of yourself though?"

"What do you mean?"

"You ain't never asked me to marry you," she said simply. "I might not love him and he might not love me but I learned some things from Bill. One of the first things was that no matter what, I should be asked. I deserve to be asked."

"He asked you to marry him?"

"Course not," she replied, "But he didn't even kiss me after the wedding without asking. He said pretty girls should be asked, that even though we was married and all, he still ought to ask to even kiss me."

She looked up from the blanket in her hands and smiled at him.

"I love you, Benny. I do like I never knew a body could love another but I still think that you should ask me, don't you?"

He smiled and thought he maybe owed Cody an apology for anytime he thought that he might've taken advantage of Josie's naïveté. Then he took her hands in his. He hadn't thought that it would be possible for him to fall more in love with her but as she stood up for herself, challenged him in little ways, he found more things to love.

"I would love to ask you, Josie. But I can't. You're not free. You're still married."

Her smile drooped until it was nearly a frown and she looked as though she might cry. Kid could not stand to see her cry, to be at all the cause of her tears.

"But if I could ask you, I know just what I'd say."

He looked around making sure no one was watching. He was proud of Josie and proud to be the man she loved but things were still tense and he didn't need things to look like they were moving faster than the rest of the family thought they should. She was still technically married. No one was around to see him so he slid off of the swing and knelt before her.

"I love you, Josie. I feel more like a man with you in my world, like the man I was meant to be and just didn't know it. You showed me who I'm supposed to be. If I thank you every day of the rest of my life, it would never be enough but I want to try anyway. I'm asking for that chance, Josie. Will you give me that chance? Will you marry me?"

He stood back up, never releasing her hands and sat back next to her.

"So that's what I would say…if I could say anything. What would your answer be? Would you say yes—if I could ask, that is?"

Josie giggled.

"Well, of course I would. I just wanted to hear you ask. It feels good."

Kid relaxed against the back of the swing.

"For the record, that was a yes, right?"

"Oh Benny, you are so silly!"

"Have you given much thought to naming that baby?" Kid asked feeling good about things but still wanting to shift the focus.

"I got a boy name picked already, yeah," she answered.

"What if it's a girl?"

"Well, I guess we could talk about it. I always kind of liked Melissa."

Her head jerked up when Benny said 'Melissa' at the very same time. They stared at each other a moment and then broke into laughter.

"I guess if that's a girl, her name will be Melissa," Kid said still chuckling.

* * *

No one knew about the proposal except for Kid and Josie but they didn't care. It was theirs and theirs alone and having this knowledge between them was almost better than everyone knowing. He hadn't officially asked but he knew that it was the same as if he had.

Rachel watched Josie go through her days and could tell that there was a new light inside of the young lady and it warmed her heart. As the days passed, Rachel found she didn't need to keep as close a watch on the girl. She was stronger all the time and coming into her own. Her joy was evident to everyone around her as she sang and hummed all the time. She sang while she hung the wash, while she mended clothes, while she baked goodies and cooked their meals. To Rachel there was nothing more beautiful than that girl's happiness. And slowly she could see signs that Cody was coming to terms with the situation. Their family had been rattled and fractured but not destroyed. The cracks would heal and they might even become stronger where the healing would occur.

Josie sat on the swing one afternoon. She had just taken some treats to her boys and didn't need to do much with supper for a little while. So she decided to enjoy the day sitting on the swing with her sewing. She was singing softly and every so often, she would rub her belly.

She happened to look up and see the silhouette of a rider coming over the horizon toward the station. As the rider neared, Josie was able to make out that the horse was black. That would be Lou finally returning. Josie had heard that Lou was due home very soon. She was excited. Sure she knew that Lou and Benny had a past but that was over and Josie liked the idea of having another girl her age around. She loved Rachel like a big sister but having another sister would be wonderful. Josie stood as quickly as her size allowed and walked to the rail of the porch before yelling out, Rider coming!"

* * *

**Sorry this took so long...real life kind of stinks sometimes...anyway, let me know what you think...this is what you all have been begging for, right? Yeah...next chapter should be awesome.-J**


	18. Chapter 18

Josie walked excitedly into the yard where she saw a couple of her brothers also coming out to greet the rider. She thought she even saw them look excited to see their sister returning as well. Josie barely allowed Lou down from her horse before she went to her with a huge smile on her face.

"Welcome home, Lou!" she said cheerily, "I been really looking forward to meeting you."

Ike took Lightning's reins and let the horse away but Noah and Buck hovered close exchanging wary looks. Neither was very happy that Kid had apparently neglected to fill Josie in on certain details that might be important for her own self-preservation.

Lou looked this new person up and down. The first thing that popped out at her was the belly the girl was rubbing over. Lou wasn't a mean person by nature but neither was she wholly trusting. Now there could be a completely normal and solid explanation why there was a girl who was obviously with child staying at the station but Lou found it paid to be suspicious until she had all the facts. She sort of hoped this girl was on the up and up. It would be nice to have another girl around and this one seemed friendly enough.

"Who're you?" Lou grunted.

"I'm uh…" Josie wasn't sure how to answer. She was still Cody's wife but that was far too complicated to really explain and honestly she was in such a changing state to try to explain who or what she was and why she belonged there was more than she could expect poor Louise to stand and listen to after coming in from such a hard ride.

"This is Josie," Buck interjected, "She lives here now. Well, for the time being. Cody brought her here and uh…you should really talk to Kid."

"Why do I need to talk to Kid?" Lou asked and then her eyes landed once again on the swelling in the girl's belly that could only be a child. If she was Kid's concern in any way it would mean the babe was his and she was too far gone to have gotten into her situation after Lou and Kid had broken up. Lou's face reddened in anger and she first thought to lunge at the girl but Buck was hovering close and protective to this stranger. She'd have a talk with him later about loyalty to family. Right then she was just trying to sort her thoughts.

Josie could see exactly how badly this was going. She clearly hadn't gotten an accurate understanding of Louise and certainly she was seeing that some things weren't as over as she'd been led to believe. But then Louise was another woman after all and maybe they could talk and work things out.

"I'm sorry I didn't explain things better, Louise," Josie began, "Maybe we should talk before you talk to Benny."

Lou whirled back toward Josie and Josie took a step back.

"Who in the hell is Benny?" she nearly shrieked, "Are you talking about Kid? You know his name, don't you? Don't you?"

Josie nodded more from fear than anything else.

"He told you his name! Oh I need to talk to him alright but I don't think I need to ask him a damn thing!"

She stomped away yelling, "Kid! Kid you get out here right now!"

Josie turned to Buck and looked up at him helplessly.

"I messed things up again, didn't I?" she asked.

He put his arms around her and hugged her to him.

"Not really," he said, "What's about to happen has been a long time coming. There's been a lot of walking on eggshells to avoid this but maybe it's best to stop tiptoeing around it and have it all out in the open. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Buck's right," Noah assured her, "These two have needed to hash this out for a while and they've both been avoiding it. You should probably go on in the house though."

Josie shook her head.

"I have to stay close for him."

* * *

"Kid!" Lou yelled again and stopped abruptly when she saw his head poke out of the barn. She softened for just a moment at the sight of him. She did love him but it was scary to surrender even a little to how she felt for him. Then she thought of the girl with the baby growing inside her and her anger renewed. "You want to explain that?"

Kid saw Lou's thumb jerk toward the yard where Josie stood with Buck and Noah. Blood drained from his face and he was pretty sure it did from his whole brain as well. He suddenly wondered if he could stand upright. He knew at some point he would have to explain Josie to Lou. He wasn't stupid and he knew Lou still loved him but he just couldn't do it anymore. And he was so in love with his Josie.

"I don't think I owe you explanations anymore, Lou!" he yelled as his anger at this woman began to grow.

"Oh I think you do," she growled at him, "We ain't been broke up long enough for how big she is with that child!"

"That ain't my baby, Lou," he said, "She was already expecting when I met her."

He tried to walk away but Lou ran to him and grabbed his arm spinning him around.

"So that's what you're taking up with now? A tramp? A whore? She sure ain't no nice girl to end up in the fix she's in!"

"You don't know the first thing about her, Lou," he hollered back at her. "She's kind and sweet. If you weren't so damned mad about someone else picking up what you threw away you might even find you liked her!"

"Are you trying to tell me you care for her?"

"It ain't your business who I do or don't care for anymore Lou. I'm not even allowed to worry for you without being accused of smothering you but you get to stick your nose into every part of my life for the rest of it? We ain't married, Lou! Remember, you didn't want that. You pushed me away. You did it time and again. You could never make up your mind what you wanted and what was worse is you'd never even talk to me about anything you was thinking or feeling. You just yelled and told me everything I did wrong. Well, I moved on Lou! How long was I supposed to pine for someone who was never going to let me get close?"

"You do care for her, don't you?" Lou looked horrified.

"I don't just care for her…I love her! And you know what's great, Lou? She lets me! She lets me love her! She lets me care for her! I cannot begin to tell you how good it feels to love someone who don't resent me for it!"

"I wouldn't've resented nothing if you didn't try to change me all the time! That ain't love, Kid!"

"But it's love when you want to change me? I had to accept you completely, flaws and all but you couldn't do the same for me? You couldn't even meet me part way! It was all your way or no way at all! Well, you got your wish, Lou…it's no way at all!"

"I never tried to change you."

"The hell you didn't! I never did one right thing the whole time we was together as far as you were concerned. It didn't matter that I loved you and I did…I still do but I ain't stupid Lou. You kept pushing me away and I guess I just figured out what you didn't. You didn't really want me. You wanted someone who don't exist. I can't be what you want and I don't even want to try anymore! She loves me the way I am and lets me do the same for her."

"So this is true love? You and this, this…tramp?"

"Lou, I aim to marry her once she's free to and if you keep putting her down you're going to get your fondest wish because I will forget you're a girl and give you the punch I'd give any man who put her down."

"Once she's free? What the hell does that mean?"

"She's technically still married to Cody?"

"So that's Cody's baby?" Lou asked.

"No it ain't. It's some creep's who threatened her when he found out about it. Cody helped her out."

"Oh this is low, even for you! Your brother's wife!"

"It ain't like that!" he protested.

"Cody see it that way?"

"Wouldn't know," Kid said dryly, "He's been too busy getting friendly with saloon girls lately for me to chat much. This ain't your concern, Lou. I am marrying Josie and we'll raise that young 'un together and that's all there is to it."

"But I still love you," she said, "I never stopped."

"You probably should have mentioned that before now," he told her flatly, "It wouldn't've changed what I feel but it would have changed what I did about it. It's too late now."

Then he did walk away from her and headed toward Josie. Lou just stood there with her mouth hanging open.

"Josie," Kid said when he reached her, "Are you alright? You shouldn't've had to hear that."

"I-I have to go in and start supper now," she said fleeing before he could hold her or anything.

Lou finally got her bearings and went looking for Rachel who wasn't that hard to find. Everyone had come out when they heard the commotion. The only one not there was Teaspoon who was still in town and would be until closer to suppertime. Lou headed for Rachel even as she saw the woman look concerned toward the waddling girl heading toward the house.

"What has been going on? Who the hell is this woman and why is she here if that baby ain't Kid's or Cody's?"

"Maybe you'd better sit down while I fill you in," Rachel replied, "We've had an eventful few weeks."

"I'll stand," Lou stated crossing her arms over her chest.

Rachel sighed and delved into the story beginning with Cody riding into the yard with a woman he introduced as his wife and her rounded belly. She told Lou all about the shotgun wedding and how the two had decided against an annulment and to try to make it work like a real marriage and then how that hadn't panned out as they'd planned and how Kid and Josie had fallen hopelessly in love.

As Rachel spoke, Lou stood there balling her fists and getting madder by the minute.

"Rachel, you can't be okay with all of this, can you?" Lou pleaded, "You see what she's doing, don't you? She's tearing us apart."

"No Louise, she's not," Rachel said calmly, "Sure there are changes and some have been easier to adjust to than others but she's not tearing a single thing apart. Cody was upset about the turn of events for a while and some ugly words were thrown around but that's behind us. That girl was in need of a place to be and to belong, just like all of you were. Just like I was too. Josie came with her troubles but she just served to remind us who we all are and why we work."

"But a girl like that?"

"Louise I am ashamed of you though it shouldn't surprise me. You can be an ugly thing when you're jealous. I remember how you treated me when I first came. But we got past it and believe me, my past is far more sordid than hers is."

Lou couldn't believe that even Rachel was on this trollop's side. She stomped off toward Jimmy. He saw her coming and almost walked away. She was not in a reasonable mood and he didn't really want to have this conversation with her. Lou could be fair and accepting but when she was in a mood like she was, she could be completely unreasonable and immune to logic or rational arguments.

"Jimmy," she began, "How did you let this happen? I'm gone a few weeks and I come back and Cody's married to some little bit of nothing not much better than a whore and then Kid thinks he's fallen for her…did every one lose their ever loving minds while I was away?"

"You really don't want to have this talk with me right now, Lou," he replied coolly.

"And why is that?"

"Because you're wrong. You're wrong about damned near everything here and if you push this you're going to hear things you don't want to hear."

"Like what?"

He sighed and then decided that she asked for it. That would be little consolation later when she hated him and he was the target of her wrath but he did have a few things to say to her.

"Like how sick I am of you calling everyone else out on when we're being jerks and we can't do the same to you," he said tersely under his breath. "And how you do this—what you're doing here—you come running to me over every little slight you think you've suffered at his hands and I am supposed to pat your head and say 'poor Lou' all the time. Well I ain't going to anymore. You never let that man get on solid footing with you. You put him off and put him off and then finally give in and then push him away again. He's got faults just like everyone…just like you. Only difference I see is that we're supposed to overlook yours and accept you with 'em but the rest of us—him especially—have to fix ours. But we're not supposed to treat you any different than we treat anyone else."

"I don't ask for special treatment-ˮ

"No you don't, Lou," he acknowledged, "You demand it. You don't even know what you did to him, do you? You reject a man like you done him and it hurts him deep. He starts to question if he's a man at all, if he's got any worth left. And you want him to just sit around waiting for you to be ready? It don't work like that."

Jimmy sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He could see the anger churning inside Lou and thought she was probably most of the way to opening her mouth to say a few more things she hadn't really thought through.

"I don't really think you're hearing anything I'm saying and I know better than to try to talk to you when you're in a mood like you are. But I want you to consider something. Maybe you weren't in love with Kid like you thought. Maybe you were in love with who you wanted him to be. And while you're considering that, think on this…all the time you spent together and all you done and he never felt safe letting you in enough to share his name with you. You think a while on why that was."

He turned to leave and then paused and looked back at her.

"Oh yeah, and official orders from Teaspoon are to treat Josie with respect. I wouldn't try his patience on this one."

* * *

Lou fumed all the while she was cleaning up for supper and while she rested on her bunk waiting for the meal. All she heard the whole time was her brothers talking excitedly about this intruder into their home, their family. There were still some cookies left when Lou got into the bunkhouse but she refused to eat any of them. She didn't need the bribe attempts of the likes of this Josie.

Lou heard footsteps on the porch followed by the door opening to the whoops and hollers of her brothers as they all bombarded the interloper with questions about the meal.

"Now boys," Josie playfully scolded as she allowed the large pot in her hand to be taken by Jimmy. "You know better than to crowd like that."

"That smells like chicken and noodles," Noah remarked.

"It is," she said, "And if you all sit down then we can dig right into it."

"Is that a peach cobbler for dessert?" Cody asked almost absently. He understood now that he never loved her and even better understood Teaspoon's warnings about falling in love with being in love but his pride wouldn't let him fully admit any of this yet.

"Sure is, Bill," Josie beamed. She hadn't been exclusively catering to Bill since the blow up but she had tried to have a little something every day that was more for him than the others. She knew she had hurt him and the only way she knew to try to help was to make him special treats. "I know you always had a fancy for my cobbler."

"I would've thought tarts would be more your specialty," Lou said sourly.

Not everyone heard her remark but Teaspoon did and so did Josie. The tears welled in Josie's eyes and she hastily left the bunkhouse and ran toward the house.

"Lou!" Teaspoon shouted, "Outside now!"

"Why?"

Teaspoon nearly lost his temper at her insolence.

"Because if you don't move on your own I'm going to drag you out by your ear!"

Lou stomped outside and then whirled around to face Teaspoon.

"What?"

"You know very well what," he fumed at her, "I know full well you knew my orders. We had things nice and peaceful and everybody was getting over the bad and starting to see the good. That poor girl's been pushed down her whole life. She got here and wouldn't look no one in the eye. Took us weeks but we got her opening up and she's done the same for us."

"It's a lot to deal with, Teaspoon," she ranted, "I'm gone for weeks and thinking about how nice it'll be to get home and see everyone. I think how happy the guys might be to see me and maybe even Kid would be glad I was home…"

Her voice trailed away but then she turned with her eyes flashing once more.

"And then what do I find when I get home? That…that…HER! They all just love Josie and we have to be nice to Josie and Josie's cooking is so good and isn't it nice Josie made cookies?"

"This ain't about Josie at all, is it?" Teaspoon asked putting his arm around Lou. She tried to shrug it off but he held tight. "You're thinking she's taking your place and not just with the Kid. You think you've lost your brothers. You're thinking that they already had a sister."

"They don't seem to care about me anymore. They all love her. They got a better sister."

"Oh darlin'," Teaspoon said pulling her into a hug, "They can have more than one sister. Ain't no one trying to replace you and she couldn't if she tried."

Lou allowed him to pat her and comfort her for just a moment but then pushed away with her anger renewed.

"Nobody's replacing anyone—not without a fight!"

* * *

In the last few months, Josie'd had a number of rotten days. There were the ones where she was sick all the time and still trying to hide that she was expecting. There was the day her worst fears came to be and her father found out. Even the day that she married Bill hadn't been the best. It had ended nice but it had been terrifying and overwhelming. She thought nothing could be as bad as the day that she and Benny had told Bill that they were in love. The fight that came after and then Bill coming upstairs…it had been about as bad as things could get.

But this day was worse by far. Recently Josie had made inroads with Bill. He no longer looked at her in anger and he'd stopped muttering insults to her and Benny under his breath. The rest had gotten to a place where they could accept the things that had happened and Benny didn't feel any longer that he had to make a pretense to come and talk to her while she did chores. Josie had finally felt that everything Rachel said about things happening for a reason was the truth. Now everything was a mess.

Bill glared at her all day and when Lou would say nasty things he would add more to them. She tried to talk to Benny but every time she got close, Lou got in the way and started another fight with him. The whole family was fighting and they were trying so hard to avoid upsetting her that it was upsetting in itself. Two of them might be talking and she could see the tension but if she came close, they would paste on smiles and pretend they'd been talking about something else. There even seemed to be tension between Ike and Buck.

Josie sat on her bed as she had since she had left the bunkhouse. Rachel had tried to get her to eat but she was far too upset to think about food. She knew Benny loved her and she loved Benny. It was easy in a way to leave Bill because she knew that not only did she not love him, he did not love her…was not in love with her.

Benny loved her and she knew it. Whatever he felt once for Lou and whatever he might still, Josie knew his love burned brightest for her. But it changed things in ways she didn't understand to know that Lou still loved him. She could see it in her.

She hadn't moved hardly an inch since coming in the room. She could see herself in the mirror from where she sat and she could hear another argument wafting to her from the yard. This one got Buck involved too and he was the one trying the hardest to keep the peace. She'd been staring at the mirror so long that she wasn't even seeing it anymore but now she blinked and focused on the face looking back at her.

What she saw was not worth the trouble she was causing. Benny said she was everything to him but she wasn't enough. She was learning that and she sure wasn't worth what she was doing to all of these kind people who had cared for her when she felt she least deserved it. She loved every person here and even loved Lou for what she was to her brothers. Josie could not continue to cause them hurt. As long as she was here, they would be fighting to spare her feelings and pretending to be happy. If she left then they could really be happy.

She looked around the room and realized that the noise had stopped. Peeking out of the window, she could see only darkness. Everyone had finally gone to bed for the night. She crept to her door and looked into the hallway to see no light under Rachel's door either.

Quietly she made her way down the stairs and paused only for a moment in the sitting room. Josie knew there was some paper and a pencil on a small table. She got out a piece of paper and wrote simply, "I'm sorry."

The night air felt good on her tearstained cheeks. She hadn't even been aware she'd been crying but now she could feel the tightness of the dried tears on her face. There was only one stop to make before she did what she needed to do. She had to see him one last time.

Benny was still sleeping in the barn and now Josie felt he was probably even happier about that fact. Her resolve nearly crumbled at his beautiful face relaxed in sleep. What she wanted to do more than anything was to crawl under the blanket with him but that just wasn't right. Bill might have taught her that she deserved to be treated with some respect and care but Benny taught her that sometimes what was right just had to be done even if it was hard.

"Goodbye," she whispered into the darkness as she cast one final look at him and then left the barn. She wasn't sure where to go or how she would know when she got there but she had to get away. She fled the station and soon her form was swallowed by the darkness of the night.

* * *

**So...that's what happened there. **

**Um...my sweet Myrtle has started writing another story and no, her first epic is not done yet but you know I am the last person with room to judge such things (ahem...Livin...ahem...Young Man's Fancy). It's a good story and she's a brilliant and gifted writer. Like the Summer Sun, it's called. You should check it out if you haven't. Really, Myrtle is totally awesome! **

**Let's see what else can I talk about besides this chapter that I'm not sure I really want to talk about? Oh yeah...no hockey season for at least a few weeks and really it's not looking promising at all. You all know me well enough to know how much this hurts me and since I'm talking hockey...I would like to say a few words about a man named Budd Lynch. Budd passed away a couple of days ago at the age of 95. He was the Red Wings announcer and yes, I meant to use the present tense. He long ago stopped doing any sort of play by play and a few years back stopped being the one to announce penalties and goals over the PA but he still introduced the players on opening night and it was his voice that would tell us to stand for the national anthem at Joe Louis Arena and then would announce when there was only one minute left to play. He served in the Canadian military and was on the beach at Normandy. I believe it was a different battle that took one of his arms. He wrote a book called Normandy to Hockeytown. He was an exceptional human being and he will be missed.**

**Oh yeah...and the Tigers just eliminated the A's to move on to the league championship series...Just waiting to see if they play New York or Baltimore next...**

**And if you'll allow me a mommy moment...my kids are getting near to straight A's right now! Such a change from last year and I am so proud of them!**

**I really don't want to chat a great deal about this chapter. I have some very strong feelings about things that happened and about Lou and how she would react and how that feels to be the person trying to move on or the one they're moving on with and still having to answer to someone who should have relinquished their say on anything a while ago. Okay...and that was more than I wanted to say. So...yeah...just let me know what you all think...honestly.-J**


	19. Chapter 19

Lou didn't sleep much at all that night. She'd meant what she said about fighting for her place but then she thought of things that had been said. Was she angry that Kid was with someone else or just angry with herself for taking so long to see what she wanted that she missed out? She even thought about if the places were switched. If Kid had been gone a while and had come back to find her courting another man. If he started ranting in jealousy, how would she react? Would she see that he had a right to that jealousy or would she be further angered at him trying to control her? She had been so certain she was in the right and she knew that maybe she was entitled to feel however she felt. But did that make it right to try to tell him what he should or shouldn't do? Did it make it right to attack some poor woman she'd never even met?

She sighed and rolled over again. She knew that Jimmy thought she hadn't heard his words but she had. He was right about a lot and she thought on why Kid hadn't told her or any of them his name. It had been explained to her since she had gotten home that he was the subject of a fair amount of abuse over that name through the years. It had been given innocently enough. His grandfather had been Benedict and so the name had been given in love to honor the memory of a kindhearted man. But Kid had been taunted, teased and even beaten up over that name. The all understood now how he'd gotten to be such a good boxer. He'd had to fight nearly every day over that name.

When he first came to the express he didn't give his name because he didn't know anyone well enough to trust them. And now Lou saw that he had never been able to trust her. It made her angry but then she knew there were secrets she held and hadn't trusted him with either. Jimmy was right about what that said about them. They never felt safe with each other—not completely.

But why did he have to fall for her? Someone who cooks and cleans and sews…the perfect little woman. Why couldn't someone like Lou be good enough?

Lou sat up. Maybe she was good enough. Maybe it wasn't too late. He said he still loved her. Maybe if she opened up to him now…maybe things could go back to where they had been and maybe be even better.

She got up and made her way out of the bunkhouse and into the barn where she knew Kid had been sleeping. Probably he could have moved back into the bunkhouse. Things seemed to have settled enough that Cody probably wasn't going to kill Kid in his sleep. Of course she came to understand that Kid was still angry about Cody leaving finger marks on Josie's shoulders. Whatever Lou might think of Josie, that wasn't all that acceptable to her either.

Lou crept into the barn and found Kid sound asleep. She had watched him sleep before and those had been the moments when she would feel the most overwhelmed with love for him. He was so perfect then. So peaceful. When he was awake he would often look at her with such intensity that it frightened her and she hated feeling that fear. She would then do everything she could to make that intense passion leave him. She knew Jimmy was right, she hurt him and sometimes she did it on purpose just to prove she could, just to prove to him that she could have as much power as he could. It wasn't right but maybe she could be better if they could get past this Josie nonsense.

"Kid," she whispered and he stirred a little but then rolled and continued sleeping.

"Kid," she repeated a little louder and he opened his eyes. He blinked for a moment and then a scowl crossed his face.

"What do you want, Lou? You come to tell me how my every minute for forever is to be spent pining for you some more? I don't want to hear it."

He laid his head back down and closed his eyes.

"No," she said, "I wanted to talk. I don't want to yell no more. We never did talk enough. I think you said something about that earlier."

"You're right, Lou. _We_ didn't talk. I talked, you yelled."

"We can talk now," she said almost meekly.

"No we can't. It's too late for talking. You don't even really want me, Lou. You just don't want anyone else to have me."

"But I love you," she protested.

"I don't think you really do," he replied. "You'll love someday though. I know you will and he'll love you and it'll just be right. You'll feel it to your toes every time he looks at you, every time you see him across a room. The way he moves will tie you in knots you never want to unravel. You'll hold his hand and when you look at your hands clasped you'll see two weathered and wrinkled hands because you know that no matter what time takes, it'll never change what you feel. You won't just see the times he could be there for you but the times you can be there as a comfort to him. That's love Lou. Being loved is great but it's not all there is…loving is the whole. Feeling that love more powerful than anything else. Wanting to be the one to pick the other up when they fall…being willing to sometimes put your pride on hold for their needs and knowing they'll do the same for you. It's beautiful, Lou. You'll feel it someday and you'll thank me for not letting you settle for less than that wonderful thing you deserve."

"We could find that, Kid," she pleaded, "I know we could if you gave us a chance."

"Love don't have to be found. It don't hide. Go back to bed, Lou. Get some sleep, please."

"But I want all that…I want all you just talked about," she told him kneeling next to where he lay, "I want to grow old together and I want you to lean on me and I want to learn to lean sometimes. I want all that with you."

As she spoke, she brushed his hair away from his face with her fingers caressed his cheek.

Kid took her hand in his and just held it more to stop her than anything else.

"There was a time I would've given nearly anything to hear you say those words, Lou. Honest there was. I might even say to try if my heart was still mine to give. It belongs to someone else. Those words I said weren't just my thoughts about a someday…they are what I feel when I see her. It ain't about how she looks or sews or cooks. It's something deep in her soul that's connected to mine. You and me trying again…that's not fair to her…and it ain't fair to me and it sure the hell ain't fair to you. Don't you see? I love her and I always will love her."

Lou threw his hand down and stood abruptly.

"Good luck with that," she growled under her breath before turning and walking stiffly out of the barn. She wanted to run but wouldn't give him that satisfaction. Nor would she give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

* * *

Josie leaned against a tree. She had no idea where she was or how far she'd come. She knew it wasn't as far as she needed to go but she just had to rest. The baby was making it hard to move very fast and she wore out much faster for the added bulk.

This hadn't been one of her better planned ideas. Her lack of planning didn't change anything at all. She still needed to leave. Maybe it wouldn't have to be forever. Maybe Lou would come around once Josie wasn't there to see all the time. Maybe Benny would leave the express like he said he would when they married anyway. But she could not stay in the middle of so much fighting. She'd grown up with yelling and hitting and had finally felt safe someplace. Now she wasn't sure if there was a safe place in the world but if there was, she was going to find it. Her baby would not be born into so much fighting and she would not let herself be the cause of a family crumbling. It was better for everyone that she left.

"Especially you," she whispered as she rubbed her belly. "I won't let you live like I did. I ain't going to see you forced to do things like I did just to live. I ain't going to let you get beat. And I ain't giving you up neither. I know I thought if I didn't have no man then I'd have to but Rachel's right. There's lots I can do and I will support us. I can cook good, sweetie. I'm sure I could get a job doing that and I sew pretty decent too. There's shops for that. I can say I'm a widow and we'll be fine. I'm going to show you that you're worth it…and I am too. We don't have to live like that. We don't have to live with mean words or fighting. It might not be how I dreamed it but I'll make it alright."

The baby moved within her and Josie's heart was instantly filled and her courage bolstered.

"That's right," she told the bump in her belly, "I'm going to take good care of us."

It was then that her stomach growled and she slumped back against the tree. She should have eaten when she'd had the chance. If only she hadn't been so thin skinned. If only she hadn't run off at the first nasty comment Lou had made—although as far as that was concerned it was hardly the first. It was merely the first nasty comment after Josie brought supper in to her boys. Her boys—they weren't her boys. They were Rachel's boys…Teaspoon's boys too. They were Lou's boys. They were not, in actuality, Josie's boys. She would miss them but she could not keep seeing them in such turmoil when she had it in her power to save them from it.

It was something else she owed her child. She needed to start to think about the world around her and making it better for everyone. She watched Noah and Jimmy risk their lives to make the world better for people with dark skin like Noah. She saw how hard Buck fought for a world where his skin wouldn't earn him insults. Thinking of others even when it meant a personal sacrifice…that was the right thing to do. Rachel had told her to think about the example she set for the baby, what that example would teach. It wasn't easy but it felt good in its own way.

Josie shivered. The nights had been warm but this one was getting a chill and she wasn't under a warm quilt in a house now. She was alone in the dark and it was only just occurring her to be frightened. 'Right, Josie,' she thought, 'Run off and get scared. Lou wouldn't be scared. I bet she'd have herself some food and a fire by now.'

It was only then that she realized she was still wearing her apron. She reached in the pocket and found a couple of matches. A smile crossed her face. She might not be as tough and strong as Lou but she could get a fire going and keep herself warm.

Soon she was snug and getting drowsy next to a nice fire and feeling a little better about herself.

"See, baby, I told you we'd be fine," she said as she rubbed her belly and let her eyelids grow heavy. "Tomorrow we'll find a town and I'm sure I can find some work to get us some money for food. If we like the place, we'll find a place to stay and if we don't like it, we'll move on until we find a good place for us. Someplace where we can have a little house with lace curtains and where there's a good school. I won't ever let you live like I did. You deserve more. We both deserve more. Someday I'll tell you about the people who taught me that. Maybe…well, maybe I won't just have to tell you about them. Maybe someday you'll know them because we'll be with them."

She fell asleep with thoughts of someday being a part of that family again. Of her Benny and her brothers and maybe even Lou being the sister she dreamed of—the kind of sister who could teach her things and even learn from her. They could share like women did. Josie could teach Lou to cook and Lou could teach Josie how to be more independent. They could laugh together about how silly their brothers were. It was all Josie had really wanted. In her dreams it was what she had.

* * *

Rachel got up the next morning feeling as if she needed another eight or so hours of sleep. It had been hard to settle down knowing the discord that was still rippling through her family. She understood Lou's feelings but could not abide meanness in any of the young people here. It had no place in a family and she wouldn't tolerate it from the boys so there was no way she could even think about tolerating it from Lou.

Maybe today Lou would be cooled down enough to have a calm conversation. That girl had a heart big as the outdoors but sometimes she couldn't see her way to show it.

Rachel first leaned into Josie's room. She hoped the girl had at least tried to sleep. Rachel had looked in on her more than once and the most she had gotten was a shake of the head when she'd offered a plate of food. When she looked in at Josie before she went to bed herself, Josie hadn't even looked over at her.

The bed was empty and made when Rachel looked in so she continued downstairs expecting to see Josie in the kitchen. There was no one and no food cooking. Rachel went outside and looked to see Ike leaving the outhouse so she wasn't there. Maybe she was braving the chickens for eggs or getting some milk.

When Rachel didn't find her in either of those places she went to find Kid. Maybe he had seen her, talked to her this morning. She'd been horribly upset the day before and perhaps needed to go for a walk to clear her head.

"Kid," she said as she walked up behind him, "Have you seen Josie this morning?"

She tried to speak softly as Lou was close but Lou heard anyway and snorted in derision at the question.

He shook his head.

"Why?"

"Well she wasn't in her room or the kitchen, the hen house or milking the cow."

His brow furrowed and his heart pounded in his chest. Rachel saw his panic and placed a hand on his arm.

"I'll look again," she assured him, "She's probably in the house somewhere. I mean with her size I don't think there's much she can hide behind. Maybe she was in the pantry."

Entering the house Rachel happened to cast her eyes to the table next to the door. She hadn't taken time to notice the note before but there it was in Josie's youthful scrawl. 'I'm sorry.'

Understanding washed over Rachel as her tears began to fall. She ran out of the house hollering for Kid.

Kid looked up when he heard Rachel yelling. His blood ran cold. His hands started shaking and he felt rooted to the spot.

"Kid," Rachel panted when she got to him, "Josie's gone! She must've left sometime in the night."

Before the words were entirely out of her mouth, Kid was headed to the barn and to Katy. He only vaguely noticed that the others were all headed there with him and headed to their own horses. By then Teaspoon had heard the commotion and could see that all of his boys were about ready to mount up and go looking for one lost girl. It wasn't that he blamed them, he was concerned for her as well but there was work to be done and it wouldn't get done if they were all off traipsing around the countryside.

"Now boys," he admonished, "You can't all go. Some of you still got to stay here and work."

There were groans all around as Teaspoon looked at his boys and decided who to send. Kid was still saddling Katy and Teaspoon understood. If that was his young lady out on her own, wild horses wouldn't keep him from her. But he needed to send someone with the lad.

"Wouldn't've thought you'd be in line to go out and rescue her after what she did to you," Lou whispered as she sidled up to Cody.

"Give it a rest, would you, Lou?" he whispered back. "She was scared and confused and besides, even if I never truly forgive Josie, that baby is innocent and I happen to care a lot for it."

Lou just frowned.

"Let's see," Teaspoon pondered, "Jimmy…how about you go with Kid here?"

Jimmy was already holding Sundance's saddle and nodded as they both quickly readied to leave and led their horses from the barn. Lou looks around at her brothers wondering why they were suddenly so fast to help this girl they'd known for so little time.

"She's a good person," Buck said softly. "If you'd met her under different circumstances you'd already know that and be as quick to want to help her as the rest of us. Those treats she makes us…they're her way of paying back our kindness. I know 'cause I asked her. She said she couldn't do much else but cook and that food could bring people happiness like so few other things. She was just so grateful to be somewhere that people didn't put her down all the time, where she was cared for. You know I even told her about how my mother would cook up rabbit sometimes and she figured it out just from my descriptions. She had me stuck in the kitchen all that afternoon tasting until she got it just right. I loved my mother, Lou and for that one afternoon…I had her back. I know you're hurt and surprised and shocked and things I can't imagine but don't take it out on her."

Lou didn't want to hear anymore about the sainted Josie and her wonderful food and kindly ways. It was enough to make her sick. She shot Buck a scowl then ran to Jimmy who had just mounted up and grabbed at his arm.

"Jimmy, how can you go after her? She's ruined so much. She's hurt so many people…"

Jimmy just looked at her. Another time he might try to explain to her but right then he didn't have the time or the patience and she wouldn't have listened anyway. He just shook his head slightly and patted her hand on his harm before kicking Sundance into motion.

* * *

Josie hadn't done anything at all to try to hide her trail. Jimmy figured it hadn't even occurred to her to do so. She either thought they would be glad she was gone and wouldn't go after her or maybe she sort of wanted them to find her. Either way, she was easy enough to follow. She'd been travelling by foot, with her swollen belly and in the dark and they were on horseback in the light of day so it wasn't long before they found where she had made a fire.

"Doubt she could've gotten much further by now," Jimmy consoled a worried Kid. "She figured out how to keep warm and she was still alright enough to push on this morning. I am sure we'll find her soon and she'll be just fine."

Kid only nodded. He wouldn't feel better until he saw her, until he had her in his arms once again.

Jimmy was right, she hadn't made it far. They had traveled maybe five more miles before they saw her waddling shape.

Josie heard the hooves behind her and spared a glance to see who might be coming upon her. She wasn't even sure how to feel when she saw Jimmy and Benny coming toward her. But still she paused and waited for them to catch up with her.

Kid jumped off of Katy and ran to her.

"Josie," he said frantically as he grabbed her shoulders and looked at her before pulling her into a tight hug. "Are you alright? You aren't hurt are you?"

"I'm not hurt, Benny," she told him, "I'm fine. Go home."

"Josie I will not go home without you…what are you even saying? You worried me sick! I kept thinking the worst!"

"Benny," Josie sighed, "I don't belong there. I ain't got no business hurting your family like that."

"Josie…Josie you didn't hurt anything. I should've told you about how tense it was between me and Lou. I think I hoped that if I didn't think about it and didn't tell you about it then maybe it wouldn't be like this."

"It don't matter," she said trying to walk away. "I don't belong there—not right now."

"The hell you don't," Jimmy interjected, "Teaspoon had to fight the rest off to keep 'em from coming to look for you too. Even Cody wanted to come."

"I can take care of us," she said lifting her chin, "I'd rather do that than think I'm bringing this baby into fighting that I started."

"Josie," Kid said, "You need to come home. I don't know how else to say this but that ain't home for me without you."

"Benny-ˮ

Kid could see she was beginning to protest and he couldn't bear it anymore. He took her face in his and cut her words off with his lips. He hoped his kiss could contain all the passion, the love, the need for her. They broke apart and he just looked at her a moment.

"You know you can't stay away, don't you? You know it ain't right for us to be parted. You got to see that, to feel that. I need you Josie…I need you like, like…like air. I can't be apart from you."

Josie looked at Benny and then her eyes flitted to Jimmy who had turned his head to avoid looking like he was spying on the couple and then she looked back to Benny and nodded.

He smiled and pulled her back into a hug.

"Please, don't you ever scare me like that again."

* * *

**Well this seemed a good place to leave things...I think there's going to be some growth for all involved here coming up...not to give away too much. Kisses!-J**


	20. Chapter 20

Activity continued at the station although most were preoccupied with worry. Even Cody was having a hard time keeping his mind on his work. What he had said to Lou was true. He cared about that baby. Josie hadn't been on her own like that before and there were things that could be dangerous out there. He could give up Josie easy enough and let her be with Kid. It scared him that he might spend his days alone because he was a nice enough guy to ask for help or to come to rescue a woman but not the guy she could fall in love with. He really thought he could have been happy with her and probably even convinced himself that he loved her. But then he could see how she was with Kid—and how he was with her—and knew that was love the likes of which Cody had never seen before. Now that he had seen it, he wanted it. He wanted that deep and all consuming love. Maybe he'd get it and maybe he wouldn't but it would be his standard.

So giving up Josie was getting easier by the day. He even thought he was probably nearing being ready to go into town and see about that divorce. But giving up the baby—the idea of being a father—that was tougher. That was the real reason he had been dragging his feet about granting the divorce. He knew he wasn't in love with Josie but he cared for that baby from the moment he felt it squirming beneath her skin. It gave his life a purpose he hadn't considered before and it hurt to give that up.

* * *

Lou was sulking as she watched her brothers work. They were all distracted with worry for Josie. Lou was starting to think that she hadn't been fair to Josie. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe if Kid had fallen in love with Josie it was a sign that things wouldn't work out for them anyway. It didn't make her hurt any less but it tempered her feelings toward Josie. And Cody was right about the baby. Even if Lou always hated Josie, that baby was innocent in all of this. It didn't ask to be made at all and it didn't deserve harm to come to it.

Her chores were completed and she began to head toward the bunkhouse and maybe a nap. She hadn't really gotten a great deal of rest the day before when she had gotten home and the night before wasn't her best night of sleep either.

"Louise?" she heard Rachel call softly. Lou wanted to pretend she hadn't heard. Of all the things she wasn't in the mood for, a lecture from Rachel topped the list. But she turned around anyway. She just knew that Rachel would keep following her and calling for her anyway.

Rachel could see Lou's shoulders tense when she called to her. Lou surely thought she was about to be yelled at, maybe even blamed for Josie running off. Lou hadn't helped things but Josie had made her own choice. It was a choice Rachel wished she hadn't made and she was praying that Kid and Jimmy would find the girl safe and bring her back to them. Rachel had come to love Josie and not knowing where she was or if she was safe was almost unbearable.

But she couldn't do anything about Josie. That was in someone else's hands. What she could do was see to her other girl. Lou was hurting and hated to admit when she was hurt or frightened. Her anger and cruel words the day before had been a thin veil to the insecurities and hurt that lurked barely beneath the surface of Lou McCloud. Rachel now saw Lou turn to her with an angry look pasted on her face.

"I was going to make some tea," Rachel said, "I'd love it if you'd come and sit with me for a while. We haven't talked in forever. Usually when you're gone, we talk when you come back and you tell me all about your ride."

Lou shrugged and gave a small nod and then followed the woman who had been her friend into the house. She hung in the doorway of the kitchen while Rachel made the tea and arranged some cookies on a plate for them. They simply sat at the table in the kitchen to have their tea and the silence hung heavy between them for a while before Rachel's brow furrowed and she began to speak.

"I don't even know how to start this, Lou," Rachel began, "I'd say I was sorry if there was anything really to apologize for. I know the situation is rough. I know it hurts you. I can't change either of those things. I hate seeing the people I love hurt."

"Then why'd you let her stay?" Lou snapped, "She caused the hurt."

"Because she's one of the people I love."

Lou's head shot up and her mouth fell open.

"When Kid and Jimmy fight or you and Kid fight or Ike gets upset over something you all have done or someone says something Buck takes offense to…well I don't choose one of you and kick the other out. Josie's family now. I care for her. She hasn't had a better life than any of the rest of you and she needs a soft place to land same as you or Buck or Noah or Jimmy."

"But you yelled at me…"

"I said I don't kick one person out," Rachel clarified, "I never said I wouldn't tell any of you when you're being unreasonable or outright mean. You were outright mean, Louise and you know it."

Rachel saw Lou's jaw set and knew that she was reaching Lou even thought Lou didn't want her to. The girl would cling to anger over anything else. Somehow she had come to believe that anger was strength and any other feeling was weakness. It had been a long battle with her and it would be an even longer one to change that perception.

"Lou," Rachel said to her as her voice softened, "I still love you. I always will. I know this is a terrible adjustment for you. I know you thought there was still time for you and Kid. I think there's more going on here too."

"Like what?" Lou asked in spite of herself. She really was curious. She knew her initial anger had been that Kid had found someone else and that so much had happened without her being in the know. She didn't like being at the disadvantage of not knowing things. Surprises were rarely good in her experience and knowing what was going on and not riding blind into them had saved her on more than one occasion. But Lou also knew that she was coming to terms with the fact that Kid was moving on. It might always hurt. He was her first love after all but maybe they were just too different or too much the same to ever really work. And Lou was willing to admit—to herself anyway—that she'd probably been mean to Josie. But something was still nagging at her and she couldn't figure out what it was. She couldn't put words to it.

"Teaspoon told me about your talk," Rachel replied, "Said you felt replaced. What did he say…right you said they had a better sister. You think the boys traded up for a sister and maybe you think Kid traded up for a girl. I thought I taught you all that we're all—every one of us—just as good as the next. There is no better girl or sister. We can't compare ourselves like that. As I recall it was you comparing yourself to me that caused our dust up in the beginning."

"But that's different," Lou protested.

"Really?" Rachel said lifting an eyebrow, "I came in and had all the boys' attention because I had bigger breasts. Wasn't that your complaint?"

"It ain't just her breasts, Rachel. It's…she cooks and she sews and she gets them talking about their mamas and she got him to tell her his name and she has long pretty hair and wears dresses and I can't be that! I can't be that feminine. I'll always lose because I can't be a woman."

"I'm glad you're not just jealous of her breasts, Lou. Those are probably more to do with the baby anyway. But the rest of it…there's more than one way to be a woman, Lou. You just have to be true to yourself and I don't think you have been really ever. I think you've spent so much time running and hiding and making the best of it that you've convinced yourself it's who you are or that it's all that you are."

"But I ain't some frilly dressed lady!"

"No, Lou…and part of that is that you never had the chance," Rachel said sadly, "Josie really didn't either. Just because she wears dresses doesn't make her fancy. She knows how to cook mostly because if she cooked well then her brothers—her real brothers—would be happy with her and not let her father beat her. Then she sort of let it be her outlet…her way to create something new and different and good. She could see that if it could make those brutes almost kind that it wielded a sort of power. She sews because she had to. She cleans because she had to. You wear pants and a gun because you had to. You really aren't all that different from one another. And neither one of you is wrong. You played the hand you got dealt the best you could."

"What if…I…"

Lou's voice trailed away and Rachel knew that if she didn't prod then Lou might never say what she needed to right then.

"What if what, sweetie? This is a safe place here…you can talk. I mean we got over our troubles by talking them out, didn't we?"

"What if I tried to be a woman like everyone thinks of one…what if I tried to cook and I really tried but I couldn't do it? What if someday I do find a man who wants me and we have a baby and I'm a terrible mother? I'll bet Josie'll be a great ma."

"Welcome to womanhood, Louise McCloud," Rachel said trying not to laugh. It was not funny really but then again it was in its way. It always was when a young person was distraught and feeling they are the only person to have a worry that everyone shares. And it was only funny because Rachel remembered having the fears as well.

"It ain't funny Rachel!"

"I know it's not. I was just remembering feeling the same way," Rachel told her, "I decided early on after seeing men use my mother up until there was nothing left of her that I wasn't going to let that happen. If anyone was going to be used, I was going to be the one to do the using. And I did. I used everything I had at my disposal. I learned how to swindle and how to use my body to get the things I needed. I was right, no one ever used me. But after a while…well, it got kind of empty. I wanted to be loved. I longed for it and I feared no one would want me. Nearly everyone knew I was what some might call loose and even when I wasn't really loose, I had found the benefit in men thinking I was. Sometimes all you need to use a man is to create the belief in him that he might get something."

Rachel paused and took a sip of her tea.

"Then I met my Henry. He was a good man, Lou. He didn't have much to offer me as far as worldly things but he looked at me like no one else ever had. Like he saw through me, through every false front I tried to put up. It scared the daylights out of me. And as much as I was afraid to let him in, to trust him not to cast me aside once he was done with me…the greatest fear was that I wouldn't measure up. I'd never been respectable. I didn't know how. I didn't know how to keep a house and cooking was a lot of trial and error. I feared he would tire of the errors. And when I fell with child…something I had wondered if I even could…I was terrified. I had been the product of the way my mother raised me, the example she set. Could I set the right example for my own child? Would I fail Henry worst of all by being a bad mother to his child? I didn't even know how to diaper a baby, Louise!"

Lou's eyes were wide as she absently bit into a cookie.

"I never got the chance to find out but I learned how to cook well enough. I can't say I enjoy it a great deal. It's been kind of nice having someone here who does like it. Josie's scared too. She's scared she can't be a good mother. She's scared that the creep who got her in trouble will decide to come after her and take the baby. She's scared of her shadow some days. We all got fears. But when we turn on each other…say one is more a woman than another because of this or that…we don't just hurt that person, we hurt ourselves."

Lou nodded and allowed a few tears to slide down her cheeks. She spent so much time trying to convince everyone she knew what she was doing and even trying to convince herself but really she was still learning so much. She'd never learned what it was to be a woman. She had seen women and seen men but no one had ever really had these talks with her. Emma might've tried but they hadn't gotten this far before Emma and Sam married and Emma had to leave. She wondered if Emma felt these fears. She had always seemed fearless but then Lou remembered every time Sam would come around and how at first, although Lou could see the fire in Emma's eyes for him, Emma would give him at best a cold shoulder. Lou had always thought it was a silly game to make Sam want her more. But now that she thought about it, Emma wasn't the type for silly games. She was afraid. She had trusted before and it had come back to bite her and she was scared to truly let Sam in.

Lou again thought of Josie's bright smile at seeing Lou ride into the yard. In her anger she had told herself it was a gloating smile but now she saw it for what it had been. Josie had been excited to meet her. She had wanted to be friends. The poor thing had just been learning to trust and had been pushed aside, called names.

"Shouldn't Kid and Jimmy be back by now?" Lou said suddenly worried.

"I'm sure they'll find her soon," Rachel assured her patting her hand. "Josie's getting pretty big now and I don't think she had that much of a head start. She couldn't have gotten far."

Lou nodded and then looked at the cookie in her hand.

"This is really good…did she make it?"

Rachel nodded.

* * *

Kid and Jimmy made their way slowly toward the station. Kid had ridden behind Josie part of the way but now was walking and leading Katy. Josie had protested that she could ride—she knew how and was actually a good rider but Kid insisted. He knew she was a good rider and didn't trust her to stay at the slow pace he felt was safe for the baby.

"Ain't you being a little overprotective there Kid?" Jimmy whispered to keep Josie from hearing.

"We'll talk about overprotective when it's your baby," Kid snapped.

They rode into the yard to Noah announcing their presence loudly and the others swarmed around them. Josie allowed Benny to help her off of Katy's back and then looked around embarrassed at the others. Lou was standing near the porch steps and that sort of frightened Josie. There were hands patting her shoulders and words like 'welcome' and 'glad' and 'safe' as well being thrown around.

"I'm sorry," she whispered and then nearly ducked away when Rachel came toward her. The woman's arms were extended and there were tears in her eyes.

"Oh sweet girl!" she cried, "I am so glad you're home. You must be exhausted. Come on inside."

Josie wanted to protest that she should get to making some lunch for the boys or some treat or see to the mending but then she was awfully tired. She allowed herself to be led inside with Benny right behind her.

If Lou looked menacing to Josie, she most certainly did not to Jimmy. Something had shifted in Lou. Shifted in a good way. She could be unreasonable at times and easy to fly off the handle but Lou was a good and fair person and Jimmy thought maybe that good and fair person was finally going to come out. He moved closer to see what would happen as Josie passed by Lou.

For her part, Lou was glad to see Josie being brought home safely. She never really wished the girl ill and the baby…she sure didn't want anything bad to happen to the baby. But after her talk with Rachel she hoped she would get a chance to start over with Josie. But not here and not like this. It was too public. After how loud she had yelled the day before, she couldn't face attention on her as she owned up to having been mean. She hated to think of that word for herself. She was not a mean person but then sometimes she did mean things. She had said mean things to Josie and about Josie and she felt badly for it. If anything had happened to her or the baby, Lou wasn't sure how she would've taken it.

She knew she needed to say something, do something. A part of her wanted to damn what the others might think or how they might tease her for having been so wrong and just run to Josie and throw her arms around her. To try to give her the welcome that Josie had wanted to share only the day before. But she just couldn't. As Josie passed her she did raise her eyes to meet Josie's frightened blue ones.

"Hey, I'm um…I'm glad you're alright," she managed to mumble. It didn't sound convincing even to her but she knew she meant those words and hoped Josie knew too.

Kid gave Lou a smile as he walked past. Those words had not been easy for Lou to say and he knew that better than most. He was grateful for her daring to break through the animosity that had overwhelmed them all. He saw Jimmy go and give Lou a squeeze around her shoulders. Lou needed to know she still had a place, still belonged. Kid had lost sight of that in his worry for Josie but he was glad that Lou was getting that reassurance now.

"I've got it from here, Kid," Rachel told him clearly meaning that she would get Josie to bed.

"I can't leave," he said helplessly.

Rachel thought a moment.

"You get in the kitchen and find her something to eat and I'll get her settled. Bring it up to us."

* * *

Josie slept until it was time to prepare supper. Benny had been by her side when she fell asleep but he was gone now. She was glad he had been persuaded to go and get to whatever he had to do but she was sad at the same time to not see him.

She dressed and made her way downstairs and to the kitchen. She thought about a recipe her mama had made sometimes. It always meant comfort to Josie and if anyone needed comfort it was this wonderful family that had taken her in so warmly. So she set to peeling and slicing potatoes and making a thick cream sauce and cutting up some meat to go in. She was glad they had pork today. This dish was always best with pork. Then she headed outside to where she could usually count on finding some mushrooms. They would be perfect in the potatoes. She giggled to herself remembering how horrified she had been when her mother had first told her what the dish was called. It was scalloped potatoes but Josie had been certain that her mother had said 'scalped potatoes'. She rubbed her belly thinking of someday having funny stories like that of her own little one.

She set the potatoes to bake with the pork chops in them and then went about making a cake. She wished she knew what Lou liked best but instead went with a simple butter cake. She had some berries on hand and worked them into the icing to make it a little more special. Josie hoped that Lou's words earlier had been a sign that they could move forward.

Supper was quieter than normal. There was no fighting but there wasn't near the joviality that there usually was either. Everyone liked the dish and Josie made sure to dish Lou's cake first. There was a moment when their eyes met and Josie tried to tell her with a look how sorry she was for everything. Truly her heart broke for Lou. Josie didn't have many friends or people to talk to as she grew up so she watched people. She could spot when someone was covering something a mile away. Lou was angry, yes. But she was also frightened and confused and hurt. Lou's pain and fear ate at Josie and she wanted Lou to know that. It wouldn't fix or change much but she wanted the other girl to know that at least. She saw moisture in Lou's eyes just before they dropped to her plate.

Lou cleared her throat.

"Thanks," she mumbled, "This looks good."

Josie just smiled at her. Maybe being friends was too much to ask of a situation like this but peace could be had at any rate.

* * *

That night Josie couldn't sleep. She tried but just felt unsettled. It wasn't uncommon since she'd been expecting. There was only one thing that would calm her nerves and allow her some sleep. She got up and pulled her shawl around herself before making her way downstairs and into the night. She knew just where she was going and soon was standing in the barn looking at what should have been a sleeping Benny. But he was not sleeping. She could see his eyes open and looking at her.

"Couldn't you sleep?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"I thought if I came and just saw you a minute I could. I do it sometimes. Just watch you sleep a little while. You ain't sleeping either."

"It's stupid," he said sitting up and holding his hands in front of him palms up. "I know you're here and safe but all I can think when I close my eyes is how scared I was. You were gone and…what if something happened to you? What if something happened to the baby? What if I never saw you again?"

She went to him and took his face in her hands.

"Benny, I…I'm so sorry. I just couldn't…there was just so much fighting. Everyone was so angry. I couldn't…I'm sorry."

"You're hands are cold," he said taking them from his face and holding them close to him. "Come here. Under the blanket here, it's warmer for you."

She looked at him uncertainly for a moment and then nodded and cuddled close to him under the blanket.

"Warmer now?"

"Yes," she replied and kissed his jaw. He lowered his head and caught her lips fully. The kiss was deep and filled with want and desire. Her arms wound around him and she felt his fingers in her hair. She began to undo the buttons keeping her hands from touching his flesh while one of his hands rubbed up and down her thigh under her nightgown. Enough of his buttons were undone to allow her to reach inside and over his chest. The kiss broke with both of them panting.

"I want you so bad, Josie."

"I know but…"

"We can't," they said together.

They'd talked about it and he wasn't alright with consummating a relationship with a woman who still was legally married to another. She said that for once she wanted to feel right about this. She had felt that with Bill once. She felt like a proper girl. Making love to her husband. She didn't want to make what she and Benny had cheap. He agreed. They kissed and sometimes hands roved and they knew the desire each held for the other but when they made love it would be as husband and wife.

Josie nestled her head into his strong chest and he tightened his arms around her.

"Are you sure you're warm enough?" he asked tugging the blanket to better cover her. Then he froze.

"Josie? Was that…was that the baby? Something moved against me."

She nodded and took his hand and placed it on her belly.

"I don't feel it now," he said almost sadly.

She took his fingers and felt herself for the places where she could feel the baby through her skin.

"Rub there," she said softly, "It likes it."

He rubbed where she told him and was rewarded by what felt like the life inside rolling. He kissed her deeply then. He would have liked to have told her what it meant to him to have her in his arms, to feel the baby move, to think about their lives together. But he had no words so he just kissed her deeper.

* * *

**Oh how much do I love Rachel here? Soooooo much! I love 'em all really. I know some out there in reader land doubt that but I do, really! Honest! I just know they aren't perfect...any of them and sometimes their flaws aren't pretty and sometimes we don't want to admit their flaws but they are there. So...on that note. Love you guys!-J**


	21. Chapter 21

Josie was hanging the wash out to dry when she became aware she wasn't alone.

"Need a hand?" Lou asked.

"No, Lou," Josie said quickly, "It's nice you offered but I got this."

"Look," Lou said trying to keep the anger from her voice, "I'm trying here. I'm sorry I said those things about you. I'm trying to…to…you know."

"I know you didn't really mean the nasty things and I know you was hurt and worried…I ain't mad at you. I's scared for a bit of you but I don't think I have to be anymore, do I?"

"Then why won't you let me help you?" Lou asked, "I help Rachel all the time."

"You have a job," Josie said softly, "You work hard…hard as the men. You pull your weight. I have to too…this, the mending, cooking…that's all I have. It ain't much, Lou…not like what you do. It's all I got though."

"I can't do those things…well, I can't cook."

"But you…you're one of them. You're really their sister. I'm just the person they had to get used to and have to keep forgiving. You might not've meant the mean things you said but you wasn't wrong to say 'em. Things I done, I don't deserve no one's kindness. I didn't mean to take him from you. Honest, I didn't. I never wanted to hurt no one. I just couldn't go back to my pa and tell him I couldn't make Mr. Howell let us stay on the farm. I just couldn't. And I couldn't tell no one. He said he'd kill me and what people would think…And why am I telling you this? You don't need this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. Pa said as soon as I was born that no good would come of me. He wanted another boy and he weren't too happy about having a girl. He said I'd be nothing but trouble. I tried to be a good girl but I guess he was right."

Josie felt the tears hot on her cheeks and threw down the clothespin.

"And now I'm crying," she muttered wiping frantically at her cheeks as if destroying the evidence would change that she was crying. "I cry all the time. Like some stupid girl. Someone strong like you…you must think…"

She buried her face in her hands ashamed of herself for being so weak.

Lou tried to comfort her, to put her arms around the girl but Josie shrugged away. So Lou picked up the next item of clothing and began to hang it on the line.

"Don't," Josie pleaded, "Please, I can do it. There ain't no way I can pay back what's been given to me…but I can be useful. I really can."

Lou took a step back. This girl had seemed so confident to her. Sure everyone had talked about how mistreated she'd been and how skittish but Lou hadn't believed it. She saw the smiling girl, the girl baking special treats, the one crocheting blankets and knitting booties. In front of her now was a girl who was every bit the mess Lou sometimes felt she was inside.

"Of course you can," Lou whispered, "Ca-can I keep you company while you work?"

Josie took a breath, straightened herself up and nodded.

"But only if you want to. You ain't got call to feel sorry for me."

"I don't feel sorry for you. Heck, you ain't been through nothing I didn't. My pa wasn't happy about having two daughters and only one boy. Don't think he was any nicer than your pa. We should compare sometime and see who had the meaner one."

Josie chuckled in spite of herself, "You ain't expecting a baby."

"True," Lou said trying not to fully laugh, "Your pa ever try to kill you?"

"Nearly did once but I don't think he meant to," Josie said going back to the wash and handing Lou one end of a sheet to hang. "He got almost nice for a couple weeks after that."

"Can I ask you something, Josie?"

Josie nodded.

"How in the world did you ever put up with being married to Cody?"

Josie broke into a full giggle at that.

"You have no idea how sweet he can be."

"Oh I don't doubt he's sweet but he can be so blasted annoying," Lou said making a face and Josie giggled louder.

"Benny makes that same face when he talks about him."

Lou's stomach lurched at the mention of that name. It wasn't going to work. She tried, she really did. But being reminded of her own colossal failure…Lou had never given enough to receive such a thing. Josie would always remind her that she had failed at being a woman…or at least at being his woman. She pinned the corner of the sheet resolutely and didn't even try for a smile. It would have been so transparent anyway.

"I have things to do," she said abruptly, "Something I forgot about."

With those words, Lou strode away to the bunkhouse where the thing she had to do was lay on her bunk and ponder her life, her choices, her circumstances.

* * *

Josie had hoped that their conversation at the clothesline would ease the discomfort they both felt when near each other. It didn't. Once she thought about it, she even understood her blunder and the very nature of why they probably never would be friends. Josie would always be the woman who had the man that Lou had once wanted.

Josie was sure that wasn't the whole story but it was at least part of it. They were polite to each other and Josie had gotten Lou to tell her favorite dishes so that sometimes Josie could make things that Lou liked just like she did for everyone else.

They had an understanding now, a respect of one another. They just could not get close. It saddened Josie and sometimes she thought maybe it saddened Lou too. But things were as they were and the truth of the situation could not be changed.

Josie crept to the barn most nights with no one but Benny any the wiser. They kissed in the darkness and they dreamt of their life together and they slept. Josie always woke early enough to slip back into the house to dress and get started on breakfast before the boys or Rachel or Teaspoon were up.

They weren't doing anything really wrong but they knew that flaunting this time they spent would hurt two people they both cared for. During the day they would talk but only on the porch or in the kitchen and they would walk but never out of sight of the yard. They would hold hands and occasionally offer up chaste kisses.

By the day they were becoming more and more certain than Cody would grant Josie a divorce and that she wouldn't have to do it without his agreement. He had even complimented Josie's cooking one day and sometimes even joked around with Kid almost like they used to. Lou was less tense too but they still tried so hard not to rub this in anyone's face.

Josie actually thought that as the tension left her relationship with Bill, they might someday be some sort of friends. She hoped for that. She had learned what a good friend he could be. Perhaps someday when he had a love for himself and maybe that's what would finally settle things with Lou. Maybe once she knew what Josie and Benny felt—felt it for herself—maybe then she wouldn't be so stung.

They'd talked and there was a farm nearby for sale. It wasn't much but a house and a barn and the house wasn't all that big but the price was right and there was enough land around to allow them a nice little farm. Kid was in the process of buying it. No one else but Josie and Teaspoon knew. Once the divorce was final, Kid would quit the Pony Express and they would marry and move in. He had some money saved to get them started once they moved in. Not much but enough to allow for a mule or two, a milk cow and some chickens and maybe a little to tide them until the farm started producing. Josie knew she could probably take in mending and possibly even get a job cooking.

Kid wasn't thrilled with the notion but it made her happy to think she would help keep them on their feet to start and she loved cooking. They would be alright. It would take time but they were young and in love and time they had. Time and dreams they had in plentiful amounts.

* * *

Noah stepped into the barn in the cool of early morning. The others were still making their way out of the bunkhouse. He was surprised not to see Kid already working. Usually he was already up and at his chores before the others made it out to the barn. Noah sighed and figured he would just have to nudge his friend awake. They all had their days when sleep was hard to break away from after all.

Noah stopped short when he got to the area with the small cot set up for his friend to sleep in. Kid was asleep alright and in his arms was Josie. They were clothed from what he could see. At least Kid had his long johns on and Josie appeared to be wearing a nightgown. He wasn't sure which he was more grateful for since he'd be the one waking them. But he paused a bit before he did. She was curled around Kid as if they were puzzle pieces who finally found their match. Kid's hand rested on her swollen belly. There was a sense of peace, a sense of right in what Noah saw. He had come to terms quickly with Kid and Josie being together. This image though solidified that in ways he didn't even understand at the time. He would eventually though. When he met her. He didn't even know about her yet but he would. He would meet the woman who would fill every gap in his soul and he would feel a debt to these two for showing him how precious it was. This sight he now beheld would guarantee he would not let love slip through his fingers.

But the beauty of what he looked at didn't change that they both needed to get up. Noah determined which feet at the bottom of the cot belonged to Kid and nudged the bottom of one with his boot. Kid jumped and looked bewildered at Noah. Then alarm crossed his face as he realized they had overslept.

"Josie," he whispered shaking her gently, "Josie, you have to get up."

Her eyes flew open and she looked to the foot of their bed and saw Noah.

"Oh no!" she cried softly, "The others?"

"On their way," Noah said as she hurried past him looking horrified.

Kid tried to follow her and reassure her things would be alright. Sure it wasn't how they wanted things to go in the morning but eventually everyone would have to get used to it once they were married. Of course he knew her argument to that. Once married they would be living away from the others. It angered him to a degree that he was a man in love and had to, for the most part, hide it. Someday he wouldn't have to. Someday he would be able to walk anywhere with this woman he loved. Someday they would share a bed every night, and a room, a house. They would share their whole lives.

Josie hoped that no one would see her heading out of the barn in only her nightgown and shawl. Or she hoped that if anyone did see, that it wouldn't be Bill or Lou. Of course those were the very people right outside the barn when she exited. She couldn't even meet their eyes.

Cody was torn by seeing Josie hurrying from the barn. Part of him wanted to be angry with her, with Kid. He wanted to yell and scream that she was still his wife but then part of him wanted to go in and clap his friend on the shoulder. They were still friends even though things were frosty at best between them.

Lou was not nearly as conflicted. Josie hurrying past her—away from his bed, his arms—was like a punch in the gut. It wasn't even that she wanted him anymore really. It was just having it flaunted in her face that they were together, spending nights together.

* * *

Jimmy was sitting next to the small creek with a line in the water. He wasn't paying a great deal of attention to it or to anything else. Things were better at the station but they were still tense and it felt good to get away every once in a while and just sit and listen to the creek babble to him.

He heard footsteps approach and quickly drew one of his guns.

"I hope you drawing ain't a comment on how you feel about me," Lou said only half joking as she watched Jimmy holster the weapon.

"Can't be too careful," he replied.

"I guess you can't," she agreed as she sat next to him on the soft grass. "I ain't interrupting nothing, am I? You wasn't trying to get away from me, was you?"

He shook his head. It wasn't Lou and it wasn't Josie or Kid or even Cody. It was the lot of them together. He couldn't wait for Cody to give her the damned divorce already. That wouldn't solve everything but if he knew Kid, that was what was keeping them both there.

The two sat a while and talked as they hadn't been able to since well before Lou had been gone on her errands for the Army. They talked about Tompkins and her rides and Teaspoon and a letter Jimmy'd gotten from his sister and then they broached the subject that they had been avoiding.

"How are you really doing, Lou?" he asked her, "You're good at showing that brave face but I know you got yourself hurt with this whole business."

"Every time I think I'm getting myself okay with it…something else just punches me in the gut," she replied. "Like this morning…her walking out of the barn in her nightgown…I guess I know what they probably do but do they have to throw it in my face like that?"

"I don't think they meant for anyone to know," Jimmy tried to soothe her, "I'm pretty sure that was unintended."

"Yeah," Lou sniffed, "Like he doesn't want to show me what she's got that I don't."

Lou gestured to her chest.

"That ain't all that's important to men…no matter how we act."

"But you think Josie's pretty though, right?"

"I don't know…yeah I guess she's pretty," he admitted, "I don't usually take note of women in her condition but I guess, yeah…she's pretty. Don't matter what I think though…matters what he thinks."

Lou nodded and looked at her hands in her lap. She needed to ask the question but feared the answer like she had feared few things in her life. Jimmy's opinion mattered to her.

"D-do you think I'm pretty?"

"Lou, you're very pretty," he said openly, "I always thought so. Even when I thought you was a boy…you had me wondering about myself. You're very pretty, Lou and I know I ain't the only one who thinks so."

Emboldened by his answer, she scooted closer to him and rested her head against his arm.

"Do you think I'm pretty as the women in their corsets and swishing skirts?"

Jimmy was starting to get an idea that this conversation was about to become dangerous but she really seemed to need the reassurance right then.

"Every bit as pretty," he said softly, "I'd even go so far as to say that you're beautiful."

"Even though I don't wear dresses and cook and act like a real woman?"

"Lou," he said with a soft chuckle, "It was you that told me there was more to being a woman that all that. You were right too."

Lou leaned and kissed Jimmy tenderly on the cheek. She had given him a peck on the cheek before but this wasn't like that. This was lingering and filled with desire and need. He pulled back. She leaned closer to him.

"Kiss me," she whispered.

He wanted to. Hell, nearly any man faced with such a situation would want to.

"What?" was all he managed.

"You say I'm beautiful and every bit the woman she is…he wants her this way…don't you? Don't you think I'm pretty enough to be wanted like a man wants a woman?"

"Lou…I…"

She cut his protestations off with a kiss. It was a deep kiss with her tongue plunging into his mouth. He really had no choice but to reciprocate. Until her hands began to roam and didn't even pause at his shirt buttons but went straight to the buttons at the front of his pants. He pulled away from her.

"Lou," he said keeping a safe distance between them. "There ain't a man in that bunkhouse who hasn't had at least one thought about you that wasn't proper but we can't do this."

"We can," she told him, "There ain't no one to see us. We can do this."

"But it ain't right," he kept arguing. "You're out of sorts. You'll hate me later…and if you don't, you'll hate yourself."

"But I need this. I need to feel something good. I need to feel like a woman."

He shook his head just knowing that somehow this had all gotten so far past any good outcome. The fact was that he wasn't in love with Lou. He knew she needed someone to be in love with her but he wasn't that guy. And she wasn't in love with him either. It was almost too bad that women couldn't just visit a saloon like men could. It didn't make Cody feel better overall but Jimmy knew he at least had been able to reassure himself of his manhood with his visit to whatever her name was. That's all Lou needed but she sure didn't need it from one more man she'd have to face every day and know he did not love her.

He stood and looked at her with love. He did love her in his way. She was his sister and he would always care for her and want the best for her.

"I can't, Lou," he said almost sadly, "I just can't."

He hauled in his still empty line and headed for Sundance.

"You want to ride back together?" he asked trying to sound normal.

She shook her head and he could see the tears she was barely holding at bay.

"I think I'll stay here a while. I think I'd like to be alone a little bit."

Jimmy nodded and rode toward home.

* * *

That evening as the little family sat around the table finishing their blackberry cobbler, Teaspoon cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. They all turned toward him awaiting whatever news or words of wisdom he had for them. With Teaspoon they never knew exactly what was coming. Immediately they knew it was not some amusing story about one of his wives they were about to be treated to.

"Got a communication from the Army today, Teaspoon began, "First they wanted to thank Lou for the work she, uh he did."

He gave a small chuckle. It still was an adjustment to think of her as a he or him as a her.

"Anyway, they have one more errand. A package is coming in here tomorrow and it needs to get straight to Fort Halleck."

Before he could say another word Lou blurted out, "I'll go!"

"I wasn't asking for volunteers," Teaspoon said, "I'm sending Buck."

"But Teaspoon," Lou began to protest.

"Buck ain't on the schedule for a while and you got a ride day after tomorrow. It ain't open for discussion."

With that he stood and nodded to everyone before leaving. Lou was hot on his heels.

"Teaspoon," she said when she caught up with him, "It should be my job. It's part of the one I was doing. I should be able to finish it. Why ain't you sending me?"

"Lots of reasons and they're my reasons, Lou. I ain't got to explain a one of them to you."

"It's 'cause I'm a girl, ain't it? You won't send me because I'm a girl!"

"You stop right there," he said sharply, "I sent you on the first errands, didn't I? I could've send Kid. His run was safer. If I was going to treat you different because you're a girl I wouldn't be starting now. You're emotional right now. Anyone would be. I wouldn't even think of Cody for this ride either. He'd be the easier one on the schedule than Buck but he's got too much on his mind too. The trail to Fort Halleck is a dangerous one. You all don't ride a more treacherous one. I need someone who can keep their full attention to what's going on around them. That's it. End of discussion."

He walked away and Lou did not follow him. His arguments made sense but she was not convinced that her being a girl didn't have something to do with the decision.

* * *

The next morning, Teaspoon stood beside Buck and his saddled and ready mount. Neither of them had seen Lou that morning and Teaspoon figured she was just off licking her wounds.

"You get there as fast as you can on the main trail. I know you boys used that shortcut for a while but remember how bad that bridge has gotten."

"I was the one who noticed it first, Teaspoon," Buck reminded him, "There's no way I would risk that."

They saw the rider approaching and then another ride alongside and take a handoff still a ways off from the main yard of the station. As the horse galloped away they both recognized Lightning.

"Criminetly!" Teaspoon muttered under his breath.

"You want me to go after her?" Buck asked.

Teaspoon shook his head.

"She's more stubborn than ten mules. She won't turn back and she'd probably shoot you before she let you tag along. Maybe she needs a ride away from here to clear her head."

* * *

**So...yeah...anyone surprised at Lou at the end there? **

**Once again my many, many thanks to Myrtle who keeps me on track here...as well as the other ladies who keep me plugging along...Gert, Tillie, Alfie, Beulah, Eunice...apologies if I am forgetting anyone...**

**Also a sincere get well to my precious Myrtle. The stairs in her house were mean and tripped her and made her have, as my younger son used to say as a baby when he fell down, Owie Downies! She is on the mend we believe and no serious injury occurred..thank goodness!**

**Also...keep those pearls close ladies...You'll be needing to clutch them very soon.**

**Kisses, Hortense**


	22. Chapter 22

Lou knew that there would be hell to pay when she got back. Teaspoon was sure to be furious with her but it was something she just had to do. She knew she had been off base to suggest that he was basing his decision on her sex. Teaspoon was many things but unfair was not one of them. Still she felt she needed to prove something, if not to the others then to herself.

Rachel was right about so many things. There wasn't just one way to be a woman. She'd known that all along even if she seemed intent on forgetting it sometimes. Lou knew she didn't have to wear dresses to be a woman or even to be a lady sometimes though few would accuse her of being one. It wasn't that she did things that weren't moral but she didn't concern herself much with proper. But being a woman…Lou needed to be wanted as one. And she wasn't. Sure Jimmy said they'd all felt attraction at one time or another for her but he'd been able to say no to her. He'd been able to push her away.

The worst of the whole embarrassing episode with Jimmy wasn't that he rejected her. It was that he wanted her. She could see the desire. She could see that she had been successful in making him want her. He rejected her because he didn't love her—not like that. He didn't even have to say the words and she knew. He wouldn't make love to her because he didn't love her, wasn't in love with her.

She was pretty, he said. And she could kiss him in ways to make his breath come fast and the rest of his body react. But she could not make him love her. It was that thought that brought the tears to her eyes, tears she thought she'd cried out the previous afternoon.

Surely a woman could make at least one man love her. And that wasn't even good reasoning, she knew but it was the kind of thinking that happened when she was tired and hurting. It felt good in its way to allow herself to feel sorry for herself in ways she wouldn't ever let anyone else feel sorry for her. Riding felt good. Her hat dislodged and she felt the thin strap of leather tug lightly at her neck as the free wind whirled in her hair.

She wouldn't get love from the people at the station—not the love a man holds special for a woman. But she could get that admiration. That sense of being one with them, of being as good and sometimes better at things. She might not feel like a woman today but she would prove she could be as good as a man.

* * *

Buck felt unsettled. He couldn't put his finger on why or what made him so but something was not right. He tried to go about his chores but knew the others were doing more than their fair share with how distracted he was. Ike asked him what was wrong and he just smiled at him.

"I guess I'm just out of sorts," he'd replied, "I guess it's a good thing Lou took the ride after all. I'd probably get my head shot off as much as it's wandering today."

After the chores were finished, he went off by himself. He needed to clear his head, needed to shed this feeling of disquiet. If anything could do that it would be some solitude. Just him and the sounds of the life around him…birds singing, squirrels chattering, the breeze stirring the leaves on the trees. He tried to push everything away and live in his senses. The smell of the moist dirt under his feet and even the smell of the moving water in the little brook not far off. The sun warm on his skin and the way the gentle breeze stirred the ends of his hair and played across his face. How that sun danced as the leaves overhead moved slightly and let the little spots of golden light skip and flit over the ground. The finely choreographed dances of bees and butterflies…the sound of deer hooves in the distance. He tried to know of nothing but these things and yet something deep inside…something in his very core was telling him that he needed to push all this aside and hone his senses on impending danger.

Buck felt an almost overwhelming need to do something but didn't even know what was causing his unrest. He couldn't very well go up and tell Teaspoon he needed to ride off and find some nameless, faceless danger and that he didn't even really know what direction it might come from or what it was or how to head it off.

Teaspoon was a very tolerant man. He showed far more respect for how Buck had been brought up than most white men would or did but this was asking too much understanding. Buck decided to just be extra aware of anything that might threaten his family.

* * *

Cody ventured into the barn. He knew what, or more to the point, who he was looking for. He hadn't seen him on the porch talking to Josie while she did the mending. That was encouraging. He wanted to talk to him alone. This was too long in coming and Cody knew that was his own doing. Kid had simply waited. It was the right thing to do and showed more patience that Cody thought he would have had in a similar situation.

First he went to Katy's stall but Kid wasn't there so he wandered further into the building until he heard sound. Pausing Cody looked to see what Kid was up to. He was building something it looked like. He cleared his throat to get Kid's attention.

Kid looked up at the noise and fear crossed his face fleetingly before being pushed down by the setting of his jaw.

"Am I in your way, Cody?" he asked trying to sound neutral.

Cody shook his head.

"I was looking for you," he replied and then wiped his hands down his pant legs and looked around a moment before adding, "What're you making?"

Kid didn't answer. He didn't want to. There had been too much confrontation already. But then as he feared, Cody figured it out.

"Is that a cradle?"

Kid just nodded.

"I should've thought of that when…well, when me and Josie was still…I didn't though."

Kid nodded again. He had no idea what to say and for the most part since he and Josie had come clean to Cody about how they felt for each other, anything he said was the wrong thing.

"She deserves someone like you," Cody said softly, "Someone who thinks of things like building a cradle. What kind of father would I have even been?"

"A damn good one I'd wager," Kid said and Cody's head shot up in surprise.

"I didn't ever love her," Cody whispered, "I tried to keep her with me and fight for her and I didn't even love her. It was on account of the baby. I know I wouldn't know how to be any kind of good pa to that child but I wanted to all the same."

"I'm sorry," Kid said, "I never set out to take anything from you."

He paused and studied Cody's wounded eyes. He'd caused so much hurt.

"For what it's worth, you'd've been a fine father. Look at all you did. She was in trouble and you didn't think a thing about what it would mean for you…you just helped her. An example like that…that kind of honor…yeah that baby would've been lucky to have you."

The corners of Cody's mouth turned up at that.

"You need a hand with this cradle?"

Kid smiled back and nodded. They worked side by side for a while.

"I should've given the divorce by now," Cody said suddenly, "I know I been making you two tiptoe around like you're doing something wrong. I just…signing that paper means I ain't nothing to that baby no more. I can give up Josie easy enough. She wasn't anything of mine—not really. But the baby…it's hard to think about letting go of that."

"You don't have to give up the baby altogether," Kid told him, "You'll still be an uncle and we thought that we'd like to…well…if you didn't mind we'd want you to be its godfather. You know…if something ever happens to us. No one would love it more. We'd hoped to both talk to you about it but I wanted you to know."

"You would trust me?"

"It was Josie's idea but she was right. We'll love that baby more than anyone else in the world but if we weren't there anymore, the most important thing would be someone who would give that same love."

"I was thinking maybe tomorrow I go into town," Cody mused, "Maybe I could take Josie with me. There's a lawyer in town. Teaspoon told me when I was ready that it wouldn't take no time at all. The lawyer would write some papers and we'd sign and that would be it. Then you don't have to pretend that you ain't been planning a wedding or that you ain't trying to buy the old Foster place."

"Ain't no trying," Kid smiled, "I did buy the old Foster place."

"She'll be happy there," Cody said absently, "You know, I might not be in love with her but I care about her. I know you can make her happy…but since there ain't no one else to say this on her behalf…you ever hurt her—in any way—and I will come after you."

"You'll never have to. I promise that."

* * *

Josie stood in the kitchen in thought. In fact, so deep in thought that she didn't hear the front door open or sense the person watching her.

Kid was whistling when he left the barn. He felt good, lighter. He had his brother back and by tomorrow night's supper he and Josie would be free to plan their wedding and the rest of their lives together. He crossed the yard in big strides and went into the house and toward the kitchen. Josie would be starting supper.

He stopped in the doorway and stood watching her for a moment. Her brow was furrowed and her nose wrinkled slightly bringing her freckles closer to each other. Her lips were pursed and she was so beautiful to him right then that he just wanted to kiss her senseless. There wasn't anyone in the house after all so nothing really stopped him from at least going and holding her.

It surprised him that she didn't even move as he crossed the room but when he slid his arms around her waist from behind, she jumped a little.

"What're you thinking on so hard?" he asked softly in her ear.

"Benny! You startled me. I was just…"

Her voice trailed away as his lips moved down her neck and he turned her in his arms to face him before descending on her mouth. When he pulled his lips from hers she was weak in the knees and he was smiling brightly.

"You're in a good mood," she remarked.

"The best," he agreed.

"I was worried. I saw Bill go into the barn and I knew you was in there. What is it you're working on in there anyway?"

"A surprise…for you…I'm not saying more until it's ready."

She smiled a little at that.

"Anyway, I saw Bill go in…I was worried you two might quarrel."

"I was too when I saw him come in," Kid admitted, "I know he's been doing better but still…anyway, he wasn't mad. We had a good talk. I think he's alright with things now."

"Do you think he'll sign soon?" she asked, "I mean we could go without him."

"He'll sign," Kid told her smiling brightly, "Said maybe tomorrow."

Her mouth fell open and her eyes grew wide.

"Tomorrow? Really?"

"That's what he told me. I think he's ready to move on."

"And then?"

"And then," he confirmed knowing he didn't need to actually say what would happen then.

"Oh Benny, I'm so happy!"

Her smile was bright and wide and just for him. He could not help but to kiss her. Soon his hands were moving over her body and she was nearly whimpering into him. The thought crossed his mind to just lift her onto the table and give in to what they both wanted right then. No one would ever know but the two of them. But he couldn't. She might be very close to being free of her marriage but she wasn't yet. He broke the kiss and stood panting at her and watching her smile shyly at him.

Kid cocked his head to the side.

"So what were you thinking about for supper?"

"That's what I was trying to figure out," she replied, "Everyone is so on edge…I didn't know what to do, who needed something the most."

He tilted her chin upward so that he could look into her blue eyes. He knew how helpless she felt and that she hated it and felt there was so much sadness and so little she could give. His fingers stroked along her jaw.

"What's your favorite thing?"

Her brow furrowed once again and he was once again struck by how adorable she was when she got this expression.

"You know all about us," he explained, "You know about the rabbit Buck's ma made, and Jimmy's favorite venison stew. Ike's mother's molasses cookies…what did your mama make when she wanted to make you feel special? When you had a sad day and she wanted to let you know that someone loved you?"

"Well…sometimes if I was sad or something or maybe she just knew that with my brothers being so loud and all that I was feeling a little pushed aside…she'd make apple dumplings and put this special cinnamon sauce on them. She never said they were for me but they were my favorite. I haven't had apple dumplings in forever."

The last came out as a whisper as thoughts of afternoons in the kitchen with her mother came back to her. They would sing all kinds of songs and talk about every little thing while they rolled dough and mixed up the spices.

"We'll have apple dumplings for dessert then," he declared seeing the emotion playing on her face. "I'll help."

"Help?" she asked brought quickly from her memories. "You mean you'll sit and keep me company while I cook?"

"No," he clarified rolling up his sleeves, "I will help. If this is your favorite, I should learn how to make it."

"Benny, you're a man," she stated, "Men don't cook."

"Jimmy does," he said, "Sort of. And I do now."

"I ain't never seen a man cook."

"You're going to see it today because I am going to cook for my woman."

She still looked at him strangely. Sure Bill had helped plop jam onto cookies one day and it wasn't uncommon for Ike or Noah to come and peel potatoes for her but learning how to make something…for her…she just wasn't even sure what to think.

"What do we do first?" Kid asked her.

She grabbed an apron for him to wear. It was the frilly one he had teased Jimmy endlessly for and he frowned as he tied it behind his back.

"I look as stupid as Jimmy does in it, I'm sure."

"I think it's adorable," she beamed at him and then began directing him around the kitchen. The whole process nearly broke down completely when she playfully tossed flour at him and he, with a devilish look in his eyes, threw some back at her. There was a small skirmish using flour as a weapon until they were laughing so hard that Josie couldn't see for the tears in her eyes. He caught her and kissed her deeply before they returned to the task at hand.

Once the dumplings were baking and the kitchen counters wiped clean, they leaned back and Josie sighed.

"It's going to be alright, isn't it?" she asked timidly.

"Yeah, I think it is now," he said pulling her body tight to his and holding her close. "I wondered if anything would ever be alright. I mean I knew somehow we'd be together and that would be okay but now…we get to have our happy life together and the family's going to be alright. Even Lou will in time I think. Once we're not here reminding her every day…once she finds this kind of love for herself…she'll be alright."

He paused and kissed the top of her head.

"Yes, Josie, I think things are finally looking good for all of us."

* * *

Lou was making really good time and Lightning was strong beneath her. She paused and looked at the sky and thought a moment. If she took the usual route to the fort then she would have to stop soon after she crossed the river. That would leave her camping out and it would even be quite dark by the time she made camp. And the package wouldn't get to the fort until sometime in the morning.

But there was another way and if she took it then she would reach the fort about the time she would otherwise be making camp. None of the guys had used the shortcut in months—not since Buck had said the bridge was too rickety. Lou hadn't actually looked at the bridge to know how true that was.

Sighing she rolled her eyes at herself. There was no reason that Buck would tell them the bridge was unsafe unless it really was. In honesty, when he'd said they probably shouldn't use it anymore she'd been relieved. It was unstable enough looking at its best. Just a rope bridge with wooden boards. She'd always hated crossing it. But to get this last package to the army was worth the fear. It would only be a few minutes of holding her breath and gripping the reins with white knuckles and then she would be across. She could get to the fort that night. The men at the fort would be surprised and glad she was early and she could sleep in a somewhat decent bed.

She directed Lightning toward the bridge and took a few deep breaths before setting to crossing the bridge. Buck hadn't been wrong. It looked far worse and like it might collapse come fall when the trees lost their leaves. Two or three leaves at the most looked like they'd do it. But then it never did look sturdy. It was probably fine. Still she hesitated again before setting out across the bridge.

"Stop it, Lou," she chastised herself, "This ain't no time to be a scared little girl. Come on Lightning."

The tree branches that hung over the bridge were even worse than they had been and she was nearly laying down on Lightning's neck to try to avoid them. As she neared the center of the bridge the branches finally gave way to some open sky and she sat up. Lightning hesitated as a board started to give way beneath them and Lou urged the horse faster.

The horse moved more quickly and boards broke as the powerful hooves pushed off of them. Soon the large black horse stood at the other side riderless. He looked behind as if confused and flicked his ears as his rider yelped.

Lou had been so intent on spurring the horse across the bridge that she hadn't paid attention to the low hanging branches on the other side. Now she was caught in them. The mochilla had been knocked off in her struggle as Lightning continued to move and she fought to stay on his back. She now helplessly watched as it dropped the distance to the swift moving water below.

It was all she could do to stop her frantic struggling. It would do her no good. She took a breath and stock of her situation. Her jacket was tangled in the twisting branches of the old, gnarled tree. If she could pull herself onto the larger branch then she could shed the jacket and climb down off of the tree and to shore. As she tried to pull herself onto the limb, she heard the large crack. The branch still held so after one more steadying breath, she hooked her leg over the branch.

Another crack cut through the air and soon the branch and Lou with it were hurtling toward the river below. She hit the water hard enough to knock the wind out of her lungs. But still she fought against the current and toward the shore. Her mind flashed to an image of her mother's face before the illness had begun taking its toll.

"Mama," she heard her younger voice cry out, "Mama, I'm scared!"

"Louise, baby girl, it's alright. Mama's here."

Briefly the image flitted to her two long brown braids running toward her mother's open arms.

In the cold and fast moving river Lou reached toward the shore.

"Mama…" she cried out.

* * *

**I have nothing further to add at this time other than to say...if you are set on grabbing your pitchforks, Bring it! I have hockey sticks and Jimmy just asked me if I've seen his guns...I have and I ain't saying where! As always a huge thank you goes out to my deal Myrtle for helping arrange the matches!-J**


	23. Chapter 23

The darkness was all around, pressing in like a weight. He tried to find light, warmth. But he was so cold. He reached, grasped but water was all there was. Tried to scream but there was no air.

Buck sat straight up in bed with a strangled sound that might have been an attempt at a cry. He was soaked through his long johns and sheets with sweat and gasping for air. He looked around the still dark bunkhouse and saw that his brothers were still asleep, thankfully. But there was no return to slumber for him. His heart was racing and he felt terrified still. He knew it was just a dream but it seemed to be trying to tell him something.

Rising from his bunk, Buck pulled on his pants and shoved his feet into his boots before heading outside. He turned around when he heard a light rapping on the side of one of the bunks.

'Are you alright?' Ike signed.

Buck nodded swallowing hard.

"Bad dream," he explained, "Go back to sleep."

Ike furrowed his brow and Buck read the expression.

"Yeah, I'm sure. It's okay. I just need some air. Maybe I'll get an early start on the chores and pull more of my own weight today."

Buck chose to disregard the still worried look on Ike's face and went outside. The morning was still a little ways off and the yard was dark and cool. It felt good to be outside. He took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves. That was easier said than done. His hands were still shaking and if he closed his eyes he could still feel the pressure of the water crushing him and keeping him from breathing.

* * *

It was dark. Lou had no idea how long she'd been hanging onto the large rock jutting out of the middle of the river. There was a small crevice in the rock and Lou had wedged her fingers into it but now they were cold and aching. She hadn't felt her legs in what she speculated was at least a couple of hours.

Her first thought when she grabbed the rock was that she could climb onto it and wait for morning when she could see better and figure a way out. But the rock was slippery and she could get no purchase and slid back every time she tried. If she lost the tenuous hold her fingers had in the crevice, she would surely be swept downstream. But then she wasn't sure how much longer she could hold on.

* * *

The boys had been up a few hours. Breakfast had been eaten and morning chores finished. Buck was staying off by himself as much as he could, trying to figure out what his gut was telling him, or trying to.

Finally he came to the understanding that he could not just sit idly by and do nothing. Something was wrong somewhere and somehow he knew he needed to go and do something about it. He could only trust that he would be led to the danger and that it would be something he could handle. He was saddling his horse and scarcely noticing the world around him. His head shot up to Rachel's call of 'rider coming'.

For a reason he could explain no better than the dread that had been eating at him or the suffocating hell of his nightmare, his blood ran cold in his veins as he saw the rider make his way into the yard leading a large black horse.

Buck looked over to see Kid was alongside him and looked to be readying Katy. Buck raised an eyebrow.

"It's Lightning, Buck."

Buck still gave a questioning look.

"I fell in love with someone else. Don't mean I quit caring if she was safe."

Buck nodded. He should have known all along. They made their way out of the barn and met the incoming rider along with Teaspoon and Rachel and the others who weren't on rides of their own.

He looked now to the rider. It was Stan from the next station.

"Horse came in during the night," Stan was saying. "Wouldn't have even noticed if Pete hadn't gotten up to see to his business."

"Is Lou alright?" Kid asked frantically.

"Where is he?" Rachel further bombarded the young man before them. Tears were running down her face at seeing Lou's beloved horse without her girl

"He came to us with no rider and no mochilla," Stan continued as Teaspoon held Jimmy back from punching Stan for taking so long to get to the point.

"Son," Teaspoon said with an edge to his voice, "You'd better get to the point of this. Where is my rider?"

"We went looking for both," Stan said, "Didn't find no trace of a rider. Horse belongs to the little fellow that works here, don't it?"

"Lou," Jimmy growled, "His name's Lou."

Stan took a breath. Everyone knew about this Hickok fellow and those guns were strapped right there waiting to be grabbed and put to use.

"We found the pouch easy enough. Must've floated downstream a ways 'cause we found it near-ˮ

"The bridge," Buck completed with urgency and flung himself into the saddle. Kid's eyes grew wide and in a blink he was astride Katy and the both of them were galloping full out toward the river.

Not that they were aware of it but there was an even greater flurry of commotion behind them in the station yard. Jimmy, Ike and Noah were all clamoring to get to their horses with Teaspoon standing in their way reminding them they had work to do. Finally they were settled and Teaspoon looked to see Rachel standing alone with her arms limp at her side shaking her head and swaying from side to side.

"No," she whispered, "Please God no."

"Noah, Ike," he said, "Get ready for your rides. Jimmy, help Rachel and see to her."

He took notice of the pale and shaking young woman on the porch as well.

"See to both the women."

Then he turned to Stan to see if there was more to the story.

* * *

Rachel leaned heavily on Jimmy as he led her to the house. He paused a moment and looked to Josie. But she pushed herself away from the porch railing.

"I'll make tea," she said softly and led Jimmy into the house and stopped briefly next to the couch as if contemplating something. Jimmy moved Rachel toward the couch but Josie shook her head lightly.

"Could you take her upstairs please, Jimmy?" she asked, "She should rest and I'd never get her up there myself."

He began steering Rachel toward the stairs. Her sobbing had quieted but her tears were still flowing.

"Which room is hers?"

"On the right," she answered, "Just get her on the bed and I'll be up in a few moments with her tea."

Jimmy nodded and did as he was told. It didn't feel like enough but it was something at least.

* * *

When Jimmy came out of the house he looked around. Ike and Noah were readying to ride out, Stan was gone and Teaspoon was leaning heavily on the barn.

Jimmy went to the old man and leaned next to him.

"She'll be alright," Jimmy said.

"I know," Teaspoon replied, "She's got to be 'cause if she ain't, I ain't sure I could handle it."

"We all love her," Jimmy began but Teaspoon shook his head and held up his hand.

"We do but this ain't your fault—it's mine."

"Can't be your fault," Jimmy argued, "We been under strict orders to avoid that bridge. And besides, it is my fault."

"I knew she was going off half-cocked and I knew she shouldn't hit that trail in that state. I should've sent one of you to tail her at least. Buck was right there and asked if I wanted him to ride after her. I told him no."

"Teaspoon, if anything drove her across that bridge it was me. She was having some trouble. She wanted to feel like a woman…wanted me to want her like a woman…you know? I couldn't. I ain't in love with her. It would've been worse for her if we did anything."

"You explain that to her?"

"Yeah," Jimmy answered, "Don't think she wanted to hear it. If she was needing to prove anything, it was all my fault."

Teaspoon sighed heavily.

"No, it ain't and it ain't my fault. Anything happens to her and this'll be real hard to remember but she made her own choices. Didn't a one of us stand at that bridge and hold a gun to her and force her across."

Jimmy looked to the horizon knowing it was far too soon to expect to see anyone coming back.

"So what do we do now?"

"We wait…and we pray."

* * *

"Guess we ought to start down by the bridge," Buck said and Kid just nodded.

They had ridden harder than they should have and their horses were lathered. The men tethered the animals where they could at least get a drink and be in the shade while they searched. Looking up, they saw the tattered remains of the bridge and shuddered.

"Something you ain't telling me, Buck?" Kid asked.

"Had a bad feeling all day yesterday and a nightmare last night," Buck replied, "I don't have a good feeling about this at all."

"Shouldn't've asked," Kid muttered, "You can keep your feelings to yourself for a while."

They walked on a little further.

"It's not your fault, you know," Buck said after a long silence. "You and Josie…you shouldn't blame yourself."

"You're talking like we won't find her. We will find her and she'll be alright."

Buck looked at his feet and blinked back the tears. He hoped and he said silent prayers that God…either his or Kid's would keep her safe enough they could find her and bring her home. But it was a hollow hope. They trudged on.

* * *

Lou held tight in the darkness. There was a scant moon and it gave no real light or company to her. Every joint in her body ached but the ones she could no longer feel for the cold. The water was so very cold. She tried once again to gain enough purchase on the rock to climb upon it but her boots slipped and her finger hold almost gave way as well.

In her mind's eye she once again saw her mother. The beautiful and vibrant woman of Louise's younger days and not the sick and weakened creature her siblings knew.

"Mama, I'm so cold," she said not caring who heard. "I'm so cold and scared."

"Louise baby," her mother's voice soothed. "It's alright, sweetheart. I'm here. There's no reason to fear now."

Lou blinked and looked around but her mother was nowhere to be seen. The dull ache in her joints and muscles was becoming a near blinding pain. Her head dropped down to rest on the rock.

"I don't think I can hold on much longer. It hurts. Mama why does it hurt so much?"

"Oh my headstrong girl," her mother said warmly, "When will you learn you don't have to fight every little thing?"

Suddenly the world brightened and warmth spread through Lou. The light was warm as the spring sun on her face and it covered her, wrapped her in its warmth like a quilt.

"Come on to me, Louise. Come to Mama."

Lou saw her mother bathed in the warm light spreading her arms to her oldest child.

Still she clung to the small crevice in the rock. Her fingers though were slipping, the muscles in her hands shaking with the exertion.

"I don't think I can hold on, Mama," she cried.

"It's alright my baby. I'll catch you."

Her fingers slipped more and no matter how hard she told them to keep holding on, they would no longer obey. As her hands slid from the rock, she felt no fear. For the first time in so very long, she felt no fear. The cold surrounded her only a moment before the bright, warm light enveloped her in her mother's warm embrace.

* * *

"Maybe we should go back and cross and check the other side of the river," Buck suggested.

"Lighting made it across so Lou must be on this side. Keep looking. She might've gotten out and gone on foot. She could've hit her head and gotten lost…anything. Just keep looking."

They did keep looking and saw nothing. Buck was about ready to throw his hands in the air and suggest that they turn back and make sure they hadn't missed anything when Kid's body tensed and pointed ahead of them.

"See that?" Kid asked excitedly, "Up ahead, ten yards or so…something in the water!"

Buck nodded that he saw it too and they ran toward the floating object. Kid knelt down and for only a moment his shoulders slumped as he lifted her hat from where it was tangled in the overgrowth around the bank.

"Her hat," he said as if realizing that might be all they find. Then he straightened up and his eyes became steely as he turned to his friend. "We must be close now."

The two walked a ways further studying every detail of the river bank and the ground around them. Buck stopped walking and Kid followed his intent stare to where something that looked like cloth floated up ahead. Again they sprinted toward any hope at all of finding her alive, of finding her at all. Once they were near, Buck grabbed Kid's sleeve.

"It might not be her," he said, "What we find…might not be her, might not even be anything of hers. And if it is…"

Kid shrugged Buck's hand away almost violently and continued running until he stopped abruptly at what they had seen. It was her. It was Lou. She was floating on her back, her clothes caught up in roots sticking out from the dirt at river's edge.

In one motion he knelt and dragged her from the river. She was so cold, so very cold. He quickly shed his coat and wrapped it tight around her pulling her close to him.

"Wake up, Lou!" he yelled, "We're here. It's going to be alright now. Wake up and we'll take you home. Everyone's been so worried. Please Lou!"

He rubbed her back to try to heat her with the friction or spur her to wake.

Buck watched the scene. He knew. He knew when he was close enough to tell it was his sister floating in the water. Still he squatted down and took her hand in his. It was like ice. He didn't want it to be so. He just didn't. Gently he placed his hand on her chest and felt for a heartbeat, some motion of breath…anything. But she was still and cold.

"Kid," he said, "Kid, look at me."

"Why're you just standing there, Buck? Give me your jacket. Run back to the horses and get some blankets. Help me warm her up!"

"Kid, she's gone."

"Buck, hurry…she's so cold…help me get her warm!"

Buck put his hand on Kid's shoulder and gripped it tightly.

"Kid…"

The word finally made its way into Kid's consciousness. He shook his head violently and held her tighter.

"No! No…she's going to be fine…we just need to get her warm. That's all it is…she's so cold but she'll get warm and we'll take her home and Rachel will make her some soup and she'll be fine."

Buck just squeezed his shoulder tighter. Tears slipped down his cheek. Kid's voice was begging, pleading for a shred of hope that was not there.

Kid buried his face in her wet hair as it stuck to her cheek.

"I'm so sorry, Lou," he whispered only to her, "For everything. If I could've been what you needed, what made you happy. I didn't know how. I'm so sorry. I loved you though. I did. I swear it."

He pressed a kiss to her cheek not even noticing how cold it was.

Neither Buck nor Kid would be able to say later how long they sat there on the ground with the sound of the river rushing past them. They held Lou between them and held each other in their grief. Neither said a word. In time they stood although how they knew it was time or maybe how they both knew it at the same time they would never know…nor would they discuss it. In fact nothing in this afternoon would be discussed by either of them. It would merely be the pain that stood in their eyes when one would look at the other. Whatever their lives held, whatever joys or sorrows, in the back of their eyes would be this day, these moments.

They stood and Kid carried Lou back to the horses. Buck took her only to allow Kid to mount Katy and then handed her back to Kid's arms where Lou's body would ride home to their family.

* * *

**No...I do not have anything to add. Perhaps we should just observe a moment of silence.-J**


	24. Chapter 24

All eyes turned to Teaspoon as the minister finished speaking. The older man looked uncomfortable.

"I ain't often short of words but everything I can think of to say don't seem quite enough. I thought maybe it was best to borrow some words. These ones is from a man name of Robert Herrick."

Teaspoon cleared his throat but it lacked the usual flair. He was not delighting in being the center of attention or in having everyone hang on his words. He was wishing he could take the place of the body in the coffin before him and thinking of little else.

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. Old time is still a-flying. And this same flower that smiles today, tomorrow may be dying."

The last word came as nothing more than a whisper, an expulsion of air that made it nowhere near his vocal cords. He blinked and swallowed to push back the tears that were unbecoming a man. He'd tell his boys it was alright and he sometimes envied them their tears but he couldn't allow his entirely.

Teaspoon scanned the other congregants standing with him graveside. Buck and Ike were tight together, nearly touching. Ike had been on his run still when Buck and Kid had returned with Lou's body. He wouldn't admit it outwardly but the terror in the young man's eyes spoke volumes. Buck had spent most of his time alone until Ike got back and then they were inseparable. Teaspoon doubted many words had passed between them but then few had to. They needed the comfort of their friendship and to know something was still stable and strong.

Cody stood alone. One arm was crossed protectively around himself as if shielding his already broken heart while the other rested its elbow on the crook of that crossed arm. His hand was up covering most of his face and hiding most of the tears. He hadn't looked at the coffin, hadn't looked at the body either when Kid and Buck had come home. He had seen from a distance all he needed to know and had retreated to the bunkhouse. His tears had come and gone and sometimes been more public than most men would dare show. Right then he didn't even try to stem their flow but Teaspoon could see his lips thinned and pressed tight to keep him from crying out or sobbing openly.

Noah…Noah was no stranger to loss, no stranger to tragedy or to saying goodbye to those he loved. He'd been doing it all his young life. He now stood stock still with hands clasped behind his back, eyes focused intently on the dirt in front of his feet. He scowled at the ground as if it held the blame for what had happened.

Teaspoon's eyes landed next on Jimmy who was more of a fidgety wreck than usual. He hadn't stayed still since Lou's body had come home. He'd tried to do work and was almost successful as long as the work had him in constant motion. Even now he was shifting his weight from one foot to the other and balling and releasing his fists. From time to time he would look to the sky as if imploring and when his gaze landed on the coffin he looked confused. Now that Teaspoon thought on it, Jimmy had looked that way since they had found out the news. It was as if none of this made sense to him. As if the body Kid had carried home was someone else, someone he didn't know. Even now as the boy stared at the coffin it was as if he was trying to figure out why they were there, as if there should be no reason for them to be. Surely they couldn't have lost one of their own so suddenly, so senselessly.

Rachel had stopped crying at one point and now just stared slack-jawed at the world around her. She moved when led, ate when it was placed in front of her…sort of. Her arms hung limp at her sides and the only indication that she was still in there at all was the way her brow furrowed as if she was either about to start crying again or maybe she was just pondering something real heavy. Either could be the case and really it might even be a little of both.

Looking past the others, Teaspoon saw Josie. Her arms were wrapped almost defensively around the ever growing bulge in her middle and tears streamed silently down her face. She hadn't uttered a word to him or any of the boys since Lou had been brought home and even now cried without sound as if she felt she could not dare to encroach on what she felt was legitimate mourning. Teaspoon knew the world was more complicated than that and people even more so. People's emotions could run a gamut that would leave anyone dizzy and extreme situations like this made them even stronger and more confusing. That Josie hadn't talked didn't mean she had turned off like Rachel. She had actually worried him in a different way. She cooked every meal, did the wash, the mending, collected eggs, cleaned non-stop and then saw to Rachel. Every morning before she brought the breakfast, Josie led Rachel clean and dressed to the table. More than once Teaspoon even saw Josie spoon feeding the woman. Josie herself was not eating enough in his estimation. He'd think about how little sleep the girl was getting but then none of them had slept enough.

Lastly, Teaspoon's eyes fell to Kid. When he'd come home, they'd barely been able to tear Lou from his arms. He had sat a vigil by her body and now was nearest the grave. As the coffin was lowered, Kid knelt and just stared into the hole. Tears ran down his already tear stained cheeks. Each handful of dirt thrown on the coffin made him wince as if in pain. Teaspoon decided he ought to say more.

He cleared his throat once again and it felt like ages they had been standing there lost in their own grief and he had been watching them but really he'd probably only been silent a minute or so.

"Those might seem strange words for a situation like this," he began, "They're about grabbing each day and not letting go of it and it's too late to offer them to Louise. But…funerals ain't for the dead. She ain't really here no more. She's somewhere safe and warm and happy, somewhere the demons that dogged her in life will never be able to come nowhere near her again. Funerals is for those of us left."

His voice cracked and he paused to collect it and resume speaking.

"She was precious to every one of us…a flower in bloom like the poem said. And…well, now she'll always be just that. She'll never be old and grey or limited by the world in any way. In our hearts and minds she'll always be galloping like the wind on Lightning's back. Remember her like that. Remember her happy. And hold dear the gift she's given you. Folks as young as you all are don't often think about the fact you're mortal. You all take these chances. Maybe you avoided that bridge but you take 'em all the same. Could've been any one of you…just happened to be her. Life don't play fair and it don't always give second chances. Let our sweet Louise here be a reminder how fleeting life can be and don't you ever waste a chance to live every single minute of it to its fullest."

They slowly left the graveside. Noah was the first to go with a disgusted grunt. Ike and Buck drifted off next followed by a stalking Jimmy and a hunched over Cody. Josie put an arm around Rachel and led her away. Only Kid and Teaspoon remained. Kid still knelt next to the gaping hole in the ground. His shoulders shook but he had long ago run out of tears.

Kid felt every piece of dirt and gravel as it hit the wooden coffin lid. It would have been better, felt better if everyone had just punched him in the gut as they went by. He'd tried bargaining with God or fate or whatever had taken Lou from them, tried to work a trade, offered himself. Kid was only vaguely aware of the others leaving and then the weight of Teaspoon's hand on his shoulder. He shrugged it away almost violently and lowered his eyes back to the wood box in the yawning hole in the ground. He heard the crunch of Teaspoon's boots as his steps faded. Finally Kid was alone with Lou. Not that it mattered or ever would again. He had nothing to say. Words were weak and changed nothing. Anything he might have to say it was too late.

He'd failed. He'd always failed and he would always fail. First his mother and then his brother and now Lou. He had stormed in and acted like he knew what to do, what was right…what did he know? He hadn't known how to save his ma, or Jed. If he truly knew anything at all they would have been saved. He didn't know how to love Lou. All he ever did was make her miserable and all he'd ever wanted to do was make her smile.

* * *

Life around the station was barely life. Work didn't stop and none of them really expected it to. They were expendable and interchangeable as far as the company was concerned. There wasn't much talking but there was a lot of glaring and growling going on. Rachel was a shadow. They all knew that she spoke sometimes to Josie but that was all. Josie did everything but there was no joy in it anymore. If they had cared about such things they might have noticed how different the food tasted but they weren't tasting it anyway. They ate because it was set before them and for no other reason. If Josie spoke it was only to Rachel for none of the men heard a peep from her. Her eyes stayed rooted to the floor. She never lifted them to meet their gaze anymore

Kid couldn't help but notice Josie's appearance and behavior any more than he could help taking note of her seeming weight loss. Women having babies were supposed to gain, not lose weight. There were circles under her eyes and her hair was dull. So many times when she would place the food on the table for them, he wanted to take her hand, caress it, let her know he would care for her. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and feel her heart beating against his chest, feel the movement of the baby fluttering against him. He just couldn't though. His love was something akin to poison. Love was supposed to bring light to darkness and joy out of sorrow. His did the opposite. His destroyed everything. He'd seen it with Lou. She was a dear soul and he made her so miserable and angry. His love was all wrong for her. At first he'd tried to tell himself they were simply not meant to be, that just because he felt love for her and she maybe did for him at times that it didn't mean they were destined or anything.

But then he had fallen in love. Really fallen in love—the kind of love poets write about. It was all he could have dreamt until it destroyed everything else good in his life. His family was in shambles around him because he fell in love. His heart was no good. He had tried to be angry with Josie at first but now he stayed away to protect her. That was something he had failed at with Lou. But he would protect Josie and her baby—it was not his baby or their baby—her baby needed to be safe from the destruction he would bring. She'd find someone else. Or maybe she'd stay with Cody. They were still married after all. Hell, she'd be better off raising the baby alone than relying on him.

* * *

Josie stood drying a bowl and absently thinking of life since Benny and Buck had come home. Her mind drifted to just a few days after…to the day when Lou had been laid to rest.

"_What do you think you're doing?"_

_Josie looked up sharply from her task to see Rachel standing in the doorway. She was disheveled and her eyes puffy from crying but she had gotten up on her own and walked down the hall to Josie's room which was more than she had done the last couple of days since Lou had been brought back. Rachel's voice was soft from lack of use but it still carried a commanding undertone._

"_I don't belong here," Josie said stuffing a few more items into the bag she was packing. "I ain't got no right intruding like this. I'll just get the papers done up myself and let Bill know once he's free…like he always should've been."_

_Rachel crossed the room and picked up the simple carpetbag and began to put the items back into the chest of drawers._

"_You're not going anywhere but to that funeral. I need you."_

"_No," Josie said shaking her head, "You need your family. They're out there and one's about to go in the ground on account of me. I should go and handle my troubles on my own. I should've from the start. I had no right to do what I did."_

"_Josie…I lost my Lou. I haven't come to terms with it yet and it'll be some time before I do but I cannot lose you too. I told you once that you are in my heart. That's not a place you get to just leave when you feel like it."_

"_This day is for you and your family…and she wouldn't want me there 'sides."_

"_I want you here and I need you there," Rachel said simply, "You get your things put away and get dressed."_

_Josie nodded before speaking softly, "I'll be in to help you get ready in a few minutes."_

_Looking through her few clothes, Josie first thought she had nothing right for such a somber occasion until she remembered the simple, unpatterned brown dress. It would do. She had hung back, far away from the rest of the family to which she did not belong and wished that she could blend into the dirt beneath her…maybe even wished the ground would open and swallow her. That would be right after all. There had obviously been some terrible mistake for Lou to be in the coffin and Josie to be standing outside it. Lou had friends who loved her like a sister and a brother and sister counting on her. She had a life of worth and Josie had been nothing but a mass of mistakes. Surely she should be the one to have died while Lou should live and long and happy life. _

_The movement within her belly brought her from those thoughts._

"_There you go being selfish again, Josie."_

_Her hand went to rub the protrusion as she was awash in more emotions than she could name or figure out. Nothing was right. Lou shouldn't be dead but Josie now had to live for the baby and Benny deserved better than her and she didn't deserve anyone as great as he was. She had done nothing right and she was still messing things up. She looked around at the young men she had come to love and vowed to see to them. Rachel could take her time getting better because if Josie could do nothing else right—and she couldn't—she would make sure they would be fed and clothed. It was all she was good for and she would do it the best she could._

* * *

No one seemed to be moving forward and it was tough for Teaspoon to see. He had loved Lou as they all had and he bore his own guilt for what happened. Sure he never thought she would make the decision she did but he knew she was in no frame of mind for that ride. Cody hadn't been either and thank goodness for that mile wide lazy streak of his that Teaspoon hadn't had to fight him off of the run.

He talked to Noah who he would have thought bore the least blame of all except for maybe Ike. But then Noah was having a hard time with yet another senseless death in his life. He'd come to terms with dying young himself much as Jimmy had and took it personal when others in his life were taken while he was left.

"I knew she was struggling, Teaspoon," Noah had lamented, "I knew and I ran from it like a scared little boy. I could've at least offered to play cards with her or something…something to let her know things hadn't changed between us."

Ike offered much the same lament while Buck knew he should have defied orders and gone after her, should have figured what his bad feelings meant before it was too late.

It was obvious what Cody was thinking.

"You can't beat yourself up," Teaspoon had said, "It ain't like any of us saw coming what happened. You helped a girl in trouble. Most folks'd consider that noble—heroic even."

Cody offered a half smile but was not comforted in the least.

Eventually Teaspoon braved talking to Jimmy. No one had since Lou had been brought back and from him they'd gotten nothing more than 'pass the salt' but sooner or later the man had to talk.

"You still feeling like you did something wrong?" Teaspoon asked as he sidled up next to Jimmy in the barn. "You did the right thing."

"Then why does it feel so lousy?"

"The right thing is usually the harder one."

"It wasn't hard to say no to her, Teaspoon," Jimmy said and looked away suddenly so the older man would not see the moisture welling in his eyes. "It ain't just that I wasn't in love with her…I think I'm in love with someone else. Story of her life, huh? Men turning their backs on her for someone else…She deserved someone to love her, to love her more than anything else. I just didn't and he just didn't and I want to be mad at him for that but I ain't any better."

"You planning on leaving then?" Teaspoon asked. "I won't hold it against you and if you got love out there I sure won't tell you to stay here instead but I already got a request in to the company for a new rider. If I need another, I got to know that. It's taken them damned long enough to send the one I asked for."

"I ain't decided what to do," Jimmy answered, "I still ain't certain what I feel. I won't leave you in the lurch though."

Then he muttered something that was almost an afterthought and not really intended for Teaspoon's ears.

"Not sure if I even have the guts to face Alice anymore."

* * *

Slowly though, some life returned to the station. Rachel took some of her work back over from Josie and spoke to the boys when they returned from their runs. Something still felt like it was missing but they were learning to navigate around the hole left in their lives.

Josie still contemplated leaving. She still loved Benny but he avoided her and the hurt in his eyes was a harsh accusation against her. He knew it was all her fault, her selfishness…her thoughtlessness. For a while she felt it was an appropriate punishment for all she'd done to be so close to what she couldn't have but now she was feeling the need to move on. Maybe she still deserved the punishment but the baby in her belly deserved a real life. The baby she knew she had to give up. She had no right raising a child. She could not be the strong woman that Rachel was or Lou. Things she could teach the child weren't worth knowing and she surely couldn't teach it important things.

The thought broke her heart. Josie had come to love the baby and look forward to caring for it but that was more selfish thinking. It was time to grow up and do the right thing which would be to give the child up.

She'd already begged for God to allow Benny to still love her but that was wrong to ask and he clearly did not. None of them did anymore, not even as a sister or a friend.

* * *

Teaspoon walked into the bunkhouse with a paper in hand one day a couple of weeks after Lou's funeral. His face was grim. Josie had just brought them a snack and was handing out their freshly mended clothes.

"What do you got there, Teaspoon?" Cody asked.

"Seems the powers that be at Russell, Majors and Waddell finally decided to send us another rider. He'll be here before the week's out."

"You can't just replace Lou!" Buck yelled to the fervent nods of the others.

"No, we can't replace Lou…she was your friend, your sister. But the company has work to do. They didn't hire orphans because they sympathized so much with your plight. They did it because it made you expendable."

No one liked his words but they were final.

"We need to clear out Lou's things though before the young man gets here. You all best get to that."

Josie slipped outside. That was no place for her, if it had ever been.

The boys set to going through the trunk at the foot of Lou's bunk.

"I guess we ought to make sure that her sister and brother get most of this," Jimmy said, "Oh hell, someone ought to see about them too…we didn't even think of them. Damn it!"

They all nodded and none of them could believe that they had forgotten Theresa and Jeremiah either. They had just been too self-absorbed.

"What's this?" Cody asked holding up an item.

"Looks like a gown for a baby, Cody," Noah said, "Did she keep her baby clothes or something? I wouldn't have taken her for quite that sentimental."

"It's new though," Cody pointed out and it was then they noticed the piece of paper next to it with a note in Lou's handwriting.

"The note's addressed to Josie," Noah said, "I think Lou made this for Josie's baby."

* * *

**So the healing begins...I couldn't just leave them all pining for the fjords, now could I? I know this took forever...there was a lot to get in place and I think I second guessed my own instincts more than once...I need to stop doing that. But I am not a confident person at heart. Anyway...hopefully updates will come sooner...I also am working on a happy little story...well, mostly happy. It won't see the light of day for a while though. Because it won't make sense until after the epilogue here. So let me know what you think.-J**


	25. Chapter 25

The boys all looked at the note and the baby garment as if questioning what to do. Looking around they all knew the thoughts of the others. Part of them wanted to honor Lou's wishes and get the girl and give her what had been made for her while another part didn't feel she deserved it. Maybe that was fair and maybe it wasn't but it was how they felt. It was Cody who broke the silence.

"She didn't make that for Josie," he said softly, "She made it for the baby."

That was enough to get them moving. Josie hadn't made it far from the bunkhouse and they pulled her inside. It was Noah who approached her.

"We found this in her things," he said gently, "The note is for you so I guess this is for your baby."

Josie looked startled.

"Yeah that was our reaction when we saw it too," Jimmy said with a smile, "Got too used to seeing her break horses and chop wood…easy to forget sometimes that she was a girl and knew how to do things like sew. She was good at it though. I remember."

Josie looked at the items in front of her. She picked up the note and her brows knitted together.

"You want me to read it to you?" Cody whispered in her ear. She nodded. She'd tried to get better at reading and was decent enough at printed books but Lou's script was hard for her to decipher. "You want me to get rid of these guys?"

She shook her head. Whatever Lou had written, it was as much theirs as hers. Cody cleared his throat and began to read. He tried not to pay too much attention to the words or think of Lou as she wrote them. He would surely fall apart if he thought too much on any of that.

"Dear Josie," he read, "I started this letter more times than I can count. Even finished it a couple of them but the words didn't sound right so I started again. Maybe this will be the winner…who knows. I know we ain't really friends. Sometimes I wish we could be and a couple times I thought we could but that just can't happen. I think you know that too. It ain't you and it ain't even him. I just can't get close to the woman who has what I used to. I don't even want it anymore and it doesn't make sense but that's the way it is. I'm trying to be happy for you, for him. I want to be. I figure if I ever loved him at all, I should want him happy and he is with you. Cody's doing a better job of being the bigger man than I am but I'm trying."

Cody had to pause and blink and swallow a couple times before he could continue reading.

"Thing is, that baby needs better than any of us got. I know it needs better than I got or you did and I guess the rest of the guys would feel the same. I can't do much but I learned to sew and I stayed pretty good at it. This ain't a lot but it's from that little one's Aunt Lou so maybe that's worth something. – Lou"

"It's worth everything," Josie whispered as she ran her fingers over the details so lovingly sewn into the simple garment. It was a pale yellow allowing for whichever variety of baby might be born.

"If she only knew…" someone muttered and while Jimmy couldn't tell who it was it made him angry all the same.

"If she only knew what?" he bellowed. The others jumped. He'd once been the hothead of the bunch, the one who could get loud and angry without drawing any surprise from his friends. But he had been quiet and now was like the sleeping dog suddenly awakened. "If she only knew she'd die? What difference would that have made really? You think she, our Lou, would take back a kindness to an innocent baby because she might die? That's not the Lou I knew and it sure ain't the one I'll remember. You can all sit here blaming and second-guessing but I'm done. None of us ever knows when the last time we see someone's going to be. Maybe we can learn something from that. Maybe not, I don't know. I know Lou made her choices. She wanted to be treated same as anyone else and all of us want to make our own choices too. Maybe some of 'em are stupid as hell and maybe some of 'em are going to be the last choice we make but they're ours all the same."

He stopped for a moment and looked around at the stunned faces of his family. His chest was heaving and he was on edge enough to want to punch or shoot something but he just started speaking again.

"All I know for sure is if it was me in the ground, I sure as hell wouldn't want the people I care for most to be moping around like they died too. You ain't dead 'cause it wasn't your time. It was hers and that ain't anything I understand but it's how it is. Until it's your time, do what Teaspoon said and live, damn it!"

His eyes found Josie. She was looking at the table, eyes cast down as always, never making eye contact. He walked over and gently placed a finger under her chin.

"Don't hide," he said softly. "We all got something we're ashamed of…this is the only place most of us feel good holding our heads up. If we take nothing else from losing Lou or the words on that paper, we got to know how right she was about this baby. We got a chance to have one life born into something better than some of us was born in and make sure he or she grows up in better than we had too. That's something. That's something pretty big."

With that, he left the bunkhouse leaving the rest in stunned silence. Josie wanted to drop her head again but was secretly afraid that Jimmy would somehow know and come back. He hadn't been cross with her, she didn't think, and he had spoken tenderly but then if she didn't do what he said…besides, maybe he was right.

A few minutes passed and Cody stood from where he had lowered himself on top of the table. He took Josie's hand.

"Could you guys finish up here?" he asked gesturing to the rest of Lou's belongings. "Me and Josie have an errand."

The others were still in too much shock from Jimmy's outburst to say much of anything and all just nodded. There wasn't much to go through and most of it would go to her siblings.

* * *

Josie allowed Bill to lead her by the hand out of the bunkhouse. But then stopped.

"What're we doing?" she asked.

"We're going to have a talk," he said gently, "One we should've had a while ago."

She walked along behind him as he readied the buckboard and allowed him to help her maneuver onto it. Not a small task with her growing size. They drove a ways away from the station in the direction of town but then Cody pulled up on the reins.

"I'm sorry," he said suddenly, "I explained it to Kid but never to you and you deserved to know too. I should've just gone on into town and done this when you asked me. I know it. If I had…well…maybe Lou wouldn't've made the choice she did. Maybe she would've still. I don't know but I know that I'm being selfish. I was trying to hold onto a piece of being that baby's pa. Kid told me what you all wanted me to be for it. I told him I would and I will. But if I really love that baby like I say I do, I got to do what's right for it no matter if it hurts my pride a little. It deserves the best life we can give it and you and Kid being together and raising it would be that. I don't know what's gotten into him entirely lately but even if he don't come around, being born into a sham of a marriage like what we got…that ain't right."

"You were going to do this before…Benny told me," she said absently, "We were so happy…"

"Maybe you can be again," he offered, "Maybe this will be what it takes to break him out of things."

She nodded and he picked up the reins to spur the horse to move but she placed a hand over his arm.

"Bill," she began softly, "I want to say some things to you too. Things I should've said before. Most important is thank you. You been fairer to me than most any other man would. And you saved me. You did. My pa would've beat me and I would've cracked eventually and once I told…well you know what would've happened. I wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for you. And then you showed me what it was like to be treated nice. I never had that before. Never knew to think about wanting it for myself. And I am so sorry. You're a good man, Bill. You didn't deserve all I put you through. Sometimes I wish it had been you I fell in love with."

Cody blinked back tears.

"I'm glad it wasn't," he told her, "There was a time I wouldn't've been able to say that but I am. When things got bad, the first thing I did was turn into some kind of monster. I said I was sorry but the worst thing is that I didn't even really mean it when I said it. I am sorry though. Hell, whatever else happened or didn't…the way I acted…the things I said…I left marks on you, Josie. No man should leave marks on a woman. You talk how I showed you what it was to be treated good and don't even mention…I think right there is why we're not right for each other. You let me get away with too much. You say I'm a good man and I want to be but I think I need a woman who'll keep me in line more. You're perfect for him though."

"He don't want me no more," she replied softly. "He won't even look at me. He thanks me if I put food in front of him or hand him his clean clothes but other than that he ain't said three words to me since…you know."

"Kid ain't ever been an easy one to figure but if he was willing to ask me for what he did then he feels something real."

Josie suddenly looked terrified.

"What if he never wants me?" she asked, "He blames me, you know. What if he always does?"

"Then he's a bigger fool than I ever gave him credit for. Either way, that baby is better off with just you than in this mockery of marriage. If he can't see what he's got right in front of him then that's his loss. Someone will. Someone will know what a treasure you are. I like to think someone will for all of us. Maybe even me."

"I'm sure for you," Josie said feeling better than she had in a very long time. She smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "You are a good man. You really are."

He kissed her forehead and then looked at her almost wishing that there was another end to them other than what was about to happen. He sighed and gave her a winning smile before speaking again.

"How about we go and get us divorced?"

* * *

That night Josie made a special supper. Maybe not fancy by some standards but it was the chicken and noodles that the boys loved as much as her own brothers had. She also made her peach cobbler for dessert.

"I ain't complaining, Josie," Teaspoon spoke up as he finished his second helping of cobbler and nodded his thanks to Rachel for refilling his coffee. "But I would like to know what any of us did to deserve such a fine meal."

For the first time in weeks Josie didn't dip her head or blush away from a compliment. She raised her chin and looked him in the eye.

"It seemed right," she said simply, "'Sides, this cobbler's Bill's favorite. I felt like doing something special for him."

Kid's head shot up at that in spite of himself. He knew he was no good for her but if she and Cody were trying to make a go of it, he wasn't sure he could handle it. Could his inattention to her have driven her back to Cody's arms?

"Why's that?" he asked and tried to sound light but his voice was a growl with far too much jealousy.

She looked suddenly less certain and glanced at Bill who took the cue.

"Me and Josie made things official today," he explained, "We ain't married no more. Had a nice talk too."

Cody smiled at Josie but there was nothing in it but kindness for a friend and Josie smiled back, bolstered by the events of the day.

The others around the table were not so calm and had varying reactions but most were of a concern for Cody's well-being.

"Ain't a reason to worry for me," he said affably, "Made the decision a while back. It was the right thing to do."

Once supper was finished, Josie got up to collect the dishes and ready them to be washed.

"Kid, why don't you give Josie a hand carrying things?" Rachel inquired sweetly but it was not a mere question but a prodding.

They were quiet a while before Josie spoke.

"You don't have to say it," she said, "Rachel's still clinging to us being together but I know…I know it wasn't just the marriage standing in our way. Not since…"

He said nothing. Just looked at the ground in front of his feet as he walked.

"I mean, I wish me being divorced meant what it would've before," she went on, "But I know. I get it. Me and the baby…we'll be fine either way."

He could hardly stand it. Was she trying to torture him? Was Rachel? He couldn't speak for fear his words, his voice, his eyes would betray him. What he wanted more than anything else was to take her in his arms, tell her that nothing stood between them now. But that was a lie. So much more stood in their path than ever had before.

Kid dutifully followed her into the kitchen and handed over the stack of dishes in his hands. Their fingers brushed briefly sending currents of energy up their arms. He heard her sharp intake of air and couldn't help looking to her. Her deep blue eyes were wide and questioning…questions he had no answers to, none that were satisfactory anyway. His heart lurched.

"Josie…"

He said suddenly but it died nearly before being spoken. What could he say to her?

"Yes Benny?"

He reached a trembling hand for her cheek and stroked it gently then traced her freckles that scattered across her nose. Kid felt the tears burn the back of his eyes as he shook his head. Turning he walked away leaving Josie standing alone in the kitchen.

* * *

Josie was still standing in the kitchen as if frozen to the spot when Rachel came in.

"Are you alright, sweetie?"

Josie's brow furrowed and she looked puzzled.

"I can't rightly say," she replied, "Would you mind terribly doing the dishes? I feel the need to lay down a bit."

"Of course. You need your rest. If you need to talk, I'm right here."

Josie smiled and nodded before heading to bed. It wasn't even a lie. She had scarcely any energy lately with the baby. And just moving took all she had. She thought she would be asleep the moment her head hit the pillow but that was when her exhaustion left her. So she got up and sat in a chair to look over the yard. She could see him walking toward the barn where he still slept. He stopped a moment and looked to her. She raised a hand not knowing if he would see it or not and her heart raced when he lifted his own in return.

Her poor Benny! She knew the tender heart that he hid. Oh, he hid it well. He tried to be so strong and unbending on the surface, to always look as though he knew the right thing to do all the time. He tried but they had talked long into the night often and Josie knew his hurt. He held so much of it, trusted so few with it.

Even once Lou had come back they talked of so much. She had been wrong when she'd run off. She had thought he still loved Lou and that she'd come between them. He'd explained that Lou was the one who'd broken things off and that it had hurt him deeply. He'd played at being just fine and moving on but it was a lie. Or it had been a lie until he'd met her. That's what he said. She knew that what he said was the truth. She'd felt it too. There was a connection between them. It wasn't just a want to kiss him or be with him, it was a need to know everything about him, to tell him everything about herself. And everything she learned about him made her love him more.

She knew how torn he must be right now. He had still felt affection for Lou. She knew this. He wasn't in love with her but he still cared all the same and now he felt that he had caused her death. Jimmy was right and no one had, or she believed that Jimmy was probably right. He'd known Lou better than she did.

Of course even Jimmy had been surprised when he had seen the baby gown Lou had sewn so maybe none of them had truly known her. It was a sad thought but then none of them really knew Benny either. And surely there were sides of Bill that she had never seen and sides she knew that the others doubted. Maybe everyone there was so wounded and afraid of more hurt that they hid parts of themselves even from those who loved them most.

Looking back out at the empty yard, Josie suddenly felt sleepy. She extinguished the lamp and crawled into bed. As she drifted to sleep she worked over all she had seen in Benny's eyes.

* * *

The next morning the boys awakened to a hearty breakfast and clearer air than there had been in weeks. The new rider was due in nearly any day and speculation ran wild over who would be sent. It wasn't only talk of the new rider that was light but talk in general carried less of the weight that had been present the past few weeks. Playful banter was beginning to return and smiles were even seen.

Kid tried to participate in the lighthearted talk but just couldn't. His heart was not light. His heart was torn in a thousand directions at once. Touching Josie the night before had made it clear to him that he could not stay away from her. It had only been a momentary brushing of fingers but it reminded him that he was alive and reminded him of the fact that he loved. He couldn't. He just couldn't allow himself to love anymore.

Josie tried to talk to Benny throughout the day but the light was completely gone from his eyes. If the dead could walk, they would look like Benny did. She did everything she could think of to bring a tiny bit of the spark she had seen the night before. She baked the infernal star cookies, she hummed their song, she made a dish that he'd grown especially fond of…he wouldn't even raise his eyes to her. He didn't even call her by name. It was all 'yes ma'am' and 'no ma'am'.

It was maddening and heartbreaking and Josie didn't quite know what to do. She had seen in his eyes that he still loved her. She knew she had.

That night she decided to do something bold. After Rachel had gone to bed, Josie got up and wrapped her shawl around her shoulders before tiptoeing out of the house and toward the barn. He was still awake and his eyes widened a moment when he saw her walk in.

"Josie, go to bed," was all he offered before rolling over and pretending to try for sleep.

Josie dropped her shawl. It was a warm night and she'd only grabbed it for modesty's sake anyway. She could see that Benny had eschewed clothing entirely for sleeping that night. It was uncommon for him but then where he slept in the barn lacked the cross breeze he was accustomed to in the bunkhouse.

"I'm not leaving," she said quietly but firm. He needed to open up. He needed to let someone in. He needed her as badly as she needed him. He needed to know he was safe to reveal anything inside himself to her. She took a deep breath and nearly hesitated. She could not falter at this. She needed to lay herself as bare as she would ask him to.

"You need to," he told her but his voice lacked the conviction that hers did. He chanced a look at her just in time to see her lift her nightgown over her head and let it fall in a puddle at her feet.

Kid was sure his mouth fell open. He had touched her body and had seen parts of it but had never seen her completely naked. In spite of her large belly—or perhaps it was because of it—she was especially beautiful, womanly. She moved toward him and he could just tell it wasn't an attempt at seduction. This wasn't about sex. This was about something else, something much deeper. She knelt next to him and brushed the hair from his forehead and without thinking he scooted over to make room and lifted the thin sheet that covered him to let her in.

Josie took the invitation and rested next to Benny before pulling him to her. She held his head to rest on her bosom and wrapped her arms around him, enfolding him in her love. He had to feel it, he had to know it. Words would be hollow but perhaps if he could feel how she loved him, he could find the hope to come back to her.

Kid relaxed into her. He was so tired. He'd been so tired for so long and only some of that tired had to do in any way with Lou. She'd been exhausting and the emotions he'd felt since she'd died were more so. But he'd been working on a good tired for longer than that. Jed's death had taken more from him than most would ever know. Teaspoon knew and Josie and that was it. Truth be told, he'd been dog tired and weary to his core before he'd ever signed on for this job. He'd shouldered the burdens his brother cast off, tried to make up for everyone else's failings, tried to do the right thing. It hadn't worked and it hadn't made anyone happy, not even him. In fact, it seemed to just push everyone away, kept him from connecting. He'd kept himself in the background. No trouble, no worries, no need to lean on anyone…but he _had_ needed to lean and he _had_ been troubled and he'd _had_ worries. Josie knew that—she just somehow knew it before he'd ever even told her a thing—and she was just there for him. It felt good and he closed his eyes and just let her hold him.

He felt her pull him tighter to her and realized it was so that he could better feel the baby moving against him. Life. There was no more pure knowledge of what it was than those movements beneath her skin. He had focused on death too much. Suddenly he realized all the life there was still around him. Living arms wound tightly around his shoulders, a living child moving against him, the horses in their stalls…even the boys in the bunkhouse. Life everywhere! Death would come to all of them. Death was inevitable. He knew he'd not have a choice on whether or not he died but he had a choice on whether or not he would live, truly live.

Tears slipped from his eyes as he made his choice. He supposed when a loved one dies that it's normal to feel a little guilty to still live. But he did still live.

He looked up at her face shining with tears he hadn't heard her cry.

"Josie-ˮ he said and then stopped. What could he really say to her? But she just smiled and stroked his hair.

"Shh," she whispered, "I know…it's alright. You sleep now, Benny."

He closed his eyes relishing the feeling of air in his lungs. Yes, he was alive. For how long he didn't know but for the moment he was alive and so was the love of his life. She was warm in his arms and life squirmed just beneath the surface of her belly. His arms wound around her and he let the tears fall against her chest until they both fell asleep.

* * *

**What can I really say? Those who like and are invested in this story will love it and see the healing...those who are not will not. I know my readers come to me with their own personal experiences that affect how they see things as I do. Really with this I am merely looking to get people to think about things that maybe they never did before. Is Kid boring because he reminds you of someone you don't like? Or is he boring because he hid so much of his backstory and feelings? Did he maybe have reasons for that? Is Josie unlikable because you know someone like her that rubs you the wrong way? Or is it that you once missed out on a romance because you were unsure and he moved on? I know we cannot help the things that shape us anymore than these characters can help what shaped them but I do ask why some (not all of you and not even most of you) can clearly see how Lou's actions and reactions (even the less flattering ones) are so defensible by her past and her circumstances but Josie's are not and Kid's are not. I further question...if this was an original story and not one where your mind imagines characters you know by sight...would anyone feel differently about the characters or events? Just curiosity on my part there. And maybe a little insecure defensiveness as well...I figure that's fair. As defensive as some have gotten about Lou...maybe I am allowed to be defensive about Kid/Benny and Josie. They are mine more than anyone else's and I think I have a right to care about them. **

**So let me know what you think...Really...and for those who don't log in...I welcome healthy discourse. I do not get ugly in PM...promise. I would welcome a chance to discuss your concerns about the story. Always wanting to know if your displeasure stems from a personal hang up which I can do nothing about or my inability to properly convey things.-J**


	26. Chapter 26

Kid woke the next morning in Josie's arms but with none of the clear conviction of the night before. It was still all wrong. He was too weak. Josie needed someone who could look out for her. She'd been failed by too many already.

Josie felt Benny stir in her arms and held him tighter to her a moment before releasing him and smiling at him.

"Good morning," she said, "Are you feeling better?"

"Josie, we can't do this," he replied barely choking out the bitter tasting words.

"We ain't done nothing," she said with a half laugh, "I know you was a little out of it but surely you must remember that much."

"I know," he told her, "I didn't mean that. I mean you and me together. We can't…I ain't good enough for you."

"You love me," she whispered, "That's more'n anyone else ever done."

He caressed her cheek with his fingers.

"Cody's right…you don't know nearly enough of things. Can't you see that's not enough?"

"How can it not be enough?" she demanded. "It's everything."

"I'm weak, Josie."

"Don't you see?" she implored and then the realization hit her. "You don't see, do you? Oh Benny, you don't have to be strong all the time. I can be strong sometimes…I'm still figuring it out but I can be. You see that, right? And when I'm weak, you'll hold me up. We can do this because I love you that much. I know you love me too."

"You deserve better…"

"Rachel told me there's nothing better than a man who loves you with his whole soul. And loving him back was even better. She was right. I love you Benedict Wiltshire. I do. I will love you until they put me in the ground. Might not sound like much to some others but it's all I have and it's more'n I could give anyone else."

"But I…I got so much wrong with me…Lou always said…"

He looked away from her. He couldn't look in her big blue eyes and hold his resolve. She gently placed her fingers on his cheek and turned his head back to face her.

"You weren't right for her," she said, "You might not be right for lots of other girls. But you are perfect for me. And honestly, if you really was perfect all the time I think I'd have a hard time being with you. I ain't exactly perfect myself."

"Yes you are," he more breathed than spoke. "You are in every way that counts."

He held her face in his hands and ran his thumb over her lips before bringing his own mouth to hers. The kiss was pure and tender and sweet. When it ended he just stared intently into her eyes.

"I do love you, Josie," he told her, "Nothing could change that. I need you. I need to fall asleep holding you and wake up with you still in my arms. I need that forever, like I need air. I want quiet walks through autumn leaves and spring flowers. I want the laughter and I want to be there to brush away your tears. I even want when you're mad at me. I want it all. I want that forever. I want that until we're old and grey."

"We can have that now," she said, her voice shaking from the power of his words.

"We can if you say you'll marry me."

A single tear filled with all the joy, fear, guilt, sadness and love that she'd known in the last couple months slid down her cheek.

"I will."

The words had barely escaped her lips when his mouth crashed against hers, open and wanting. She quickly opened her own mouth to his, their tongues exploring ravenously. It seemed to occur to both of them at the same time that they were still unclothed in the predawn darkness of the barn. Their hands took full advantage of that. His ran over every single curve she had to offer, memorizing it even as he knew they would all change. Hers in turn touched, roamed reverently over his heated flesh.

Josie felt as if she was on fire but it was a fire she never wanted extinguished. It was all consuming and filled with such pleasure and beauty. If it destroyed her, killed her even, it would be the most glorious death anyone had ever known or seen. She needed to hold him closer, kiss him more, touch him everywhere at once, know his body completely. Later, when she could think again at all she would ponder if her fingers on his body brought him the same tingling buzz as his did when he touched her. Did his breath catch in his throat and his heart beat harder all the while threatening to stop altogether? Would it always be like this or would the fire mellow to a slow burning ember?

But right then, with his hands on her, his lips, his body pressed tightly to hers, she didn't care at all about those answers. She only cared about feeling him, feeling his heat.

They finally pulled away panting, their eyes wide and still wanting. They held back all the same although neither wanted to. It wasn't right just yet.

"Benny," Josie ventured softly, "It's okay. We can-ˮ

"No," he said sitting up and grabbing for his clothes he had left at his bedside the night before. "I ain't going to be with you—really be with you—for the first time sneaking around on a cot in a barn. Soon we'll be married and we'll have a house and a real bed and then…and then we'll make love. It'll be right and good and the way it was meant to be."

He stood and handed her nightgown to her.

"I want to show you something," he told her, "I kept working on it even though I thought hope was gone for us. I guess I just felt the same as Lou about some things."

Josie slipped her nightgown over her head and followed him with her brow furrowing. He led her to a small area he'd set up for working and pulled the cover off of the cradle he'd made.

"Even when I thought we couldn't…I still had to do this for the baby. Cody helped me some too. I just couldn't let that little one come into the world without a place to sleep."

Josie ran her fingers over the smoothed wood of the baby bed before her. It was beautiful and she rubbed her belly absently as she took in that Benny and Bill had made it for her—for her baby. She had no words but just looked up at him with eyes that she hoped conveyed at least a part of what she felt at that moment.

Kid could not help the smile that overtook his features as he watched her inspect the cradle. It was a pretty nice cradle if he did say so himself. When she looked at him, clearly at a loss for words, he negated the need for them with a kiss. It was a kiss that felt different than any she had ever gotten, not that she had gotten many in her life.

This kiss spoke of their future, their intertwined lives, and promises. They weren't married yet in the eyes of law or God either, she supposed. But the promise was made to her in this kiss. She knew it. She knew that when he said the words and placed the ring on her finger that he would only be saying the things he was promising now.

* * *

The station slowly came to life and anyone near the open window of the kitchen could hear Josie's soft voice singing some tune or another. This was almost normal or had been before Lou's passing at any rate. What struck the others as odd was Kid whistling along. It didn't surprise them that Cody was humming or singing along. Shutting him up was hard but Kid didn't hum or whistle really. He hadn't before and he surely hadn't since. The riders all exchanged smiles. A couple of them thought they might have known what had happened between the couple but whether they were right or the extent to which they were right, they only cared that healing was coming to their family at last.

* * *

"By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife," Teaspoon beamed. "You can kiss your bride now, Kid."

Kid turned to Josie who was smiling almost bashfully. The last few weeks had been a rush of activity. He'd spent every free moment working at what had once been the 'old Foster place'. It had recently been dubbed by Josie 'the new Wiltshire place'. There had been so much work to do but it was now a home and a place that could be a working farm. Josie hadn't seen it since the day of their engagement and Kid was proud now of what he could show her.

She stood before him now in her best dress, or at least the best one she had that fit over her belly. He wondered at times how she could keep getting bigger and Rachel said she still had at least a month to go. Her red hair was swept away from her face and littered with flowers. Her hands were crossed over her belly, over the catalyst that had somehow brought her to him—their child.

He took one last look around at his assembled family sitting around him in the yard of the station. One chair was empty save a bouquet of wild flowers in full bloom and another chair just empty for other reasons—reasons Kid understood and respected even though it wouldn't change a thing if he didn't. Leaning, Kid kissed Josie tenderly barely registering the applause and jubilant cheers of his brothers.

Josie had savored every moment of the simple ceremony performed in the yard by Teaspoon. Her first wedding had gone so quickly and hadn't even been real. This was for forever and she knew it. This was built in love and that made a difference.

Rachel had food ready for them all to have a small party. Dan, the newest rider, had volunteered to take the day's only ride to allow the group to celebrate together. He was a nice enough sort and they offered to find someone from another station to fill in but he bowed out saying it could be his wedding present to the couple.

Kid offered his arm to Josie and began to lead her to the food but paused by the chair in which only flowers sat. He placed his hand on the back of the chair and just let it rest there for a while. It was a senseless thing he would never quite get right in his head or heart. Josie squeezed his arm and rested her head against him, lending strength to him as he so often did for her. They made their way to where a couple tables had been moved on the lawn and a band was warming up that Teaspoon had hired. Kid left Josie to get her a plate of food.

While he was away from her, the only one of the riders to not be sitting with his brother at the wedding came up to her.

"You always did make a pretty bride," Cody said smiling.

"Thank you, Bill."

"I'm sorry I didn't come out…I just couldn't. I know what's right. I know it in my heart but I still wish sometimes…"

"I know," she said softly meeting his eyes. "I'm so sorry. I turned your life upside down."

He waved her words away.

"Hey, for a while I had me one heck of a pretty wife and I heard Rachel saying it'll only be another month or so before I'm an uncle. I think I'm coming out of this pretty darned good."

There were cracks in his happy façade and Josie could see them.

"You'll find her," she assured him, "You will and when you do…well, maybe then we can really be friends."

"Hey, we're friends," he protested but she just shook her head.

"No, Bill, we're people that are tangled together. We care for each other maybe more than some friends do but there's a break between us. I wish it wasn't. And maybe it won't always be. You're a good and loveable man…you'll find the one who sees it. I know you will."

In time the merriment died down and Kid and Josie thought to set out for their new home but Rachel stopped them.

"I have a present for the two of you," she said smiling and handing Kid an envelope. "You two just point that wagon in the other direction and skedaddle on off to Granger. They got a nice hotel there. This should put you two up for a night or two."

"Rachel," Josie began to protest, "I can't take this. We got a home to go to. This is your money you been saving. You done so much already."

"And I want to do this. I know you think I don't know about your sneaking out to the barn every night. You got a nice enough bed to home but I think the first night as man and wife you might like to have it a little nicer. You go on and have a good time. In the morning call for room service. Be pampered a little."

Josie just threw her arms around Rachel's neck.

* * *

Kid lifted a giggling Josie and carried her into the room setting her down next to the bed. She reached for her bag but he reached instead for her. He caressed her cheek, ran his fingers down her neck to the collar of her dress. It was a modest dress but he knew what was beneath. He walked behind her and ran his fingers over the back of her neck, lifting her long hair as he did and moving it to flow over her shoulder. Then he began to undo each of the buttons that ran down the back of the dress. Planting light kisses on the exposed flesh of her neck as he did.

Josie felt the involuntary shiver go through her as she felt Benny's lips on her neck.

"B-Benny," she began barely able to speak for the onslaught to her senses. "Rachel packed a special nightgown for me."

"I'm sure it's pretty," he mumbled as he pushed her dress away from her shoulders and let his lips trail to her newly exposed shoulder. "Show me later, okay?"

She nodded and then turned in his arms and wriggled herself the rest of the way free of her dress. She stood before him in only her underpinnings and began to work at his clothing which she decided he was wearing just too much of. They had waited, had not done anything more than kiss and touch each other but now they were married and there needed to be no more waiting. She got his jacket off, then his tie and about half his buttons before he just pulled the shirt over his head. Her fingers traced the muscles of his chest as he rid her of the few remaining garments.

Kid lifted her and then laid her gently on the bed before seeing to his pants. He quickly dispatched with boots and trousers and stood before her naked. He had seen her completely nude on a couple of occasions but she hadn't seen him. He raised his eyes to her and the look on her face was not what he expected. She looked pale and shaky.

"Are you alright?" he asked her.

She shifted on her side to face him and nodded. He could see the color come back to her.

"Yeah, I just can't lay flat on my back no more…not since I got real big."

He lay down next to her, facing her and lifted a few strands of hair that had fallen across her face.

"I'm sure we can still make this work," he smiled. "I probably shouldn't risk crushing the baby anyway." His movements all stopped as his brow furrowed. "This is safe, right?"

She nodded smiling at him. It took a little creativity—very little—on their parts but they figured out how they could consummate their love. The merging of their bodies was filled with passion and undercurrents of energy and tenderness and above all love. Neither had known such a thing before and the knowledge that they would share this for the rest of their lives drove their passions and pleasures to new heights.

* * *

Kid and Josie spent two days in Granger and never left the hotel room once until check out. Now they were home, their home, the home they would live in and raise their children in. Josie's jaw fell open when she saw how much work he'd done. It hardly looked to be the same place she'd seen before.

"What do you think, Mrs. Wiltshire?"

She beamed at him.

"I think I'll be very happy here, Mr. Wiltshire."

He shook his head smiling, "I think _we'll_ be happy here."

He carried her over the threshold and she quickly set to exploring every room in the house. When she got to their bedroom she stopped short. It was the room from her dreams. The pale blue walls were at once calming and soothing while still being light and airy. The cradle was placed next to the bed and the quilt she had made was already in it and the blanket she had crocheted atop that. There was a dressing table and on it sat a lovely silver plated set, brush, comb and mirror. It was perfect. Everything was just right.

She turned to him smiling, her eyes shining.

"You like it?" he asked. "Because we can change things. Rachel made curtains but if you'd like something else…"

"It's perfect!"

* * *

The newlyweds settled into their new life. Sometimes they made the short trip to the station to have supper with those who'd always be family to them. Sometimes one or a few of the family would stop in to have supper with them. It was nice and calm.

Until the day Kid flew into the station astride Katy. He was riding like he had when he still worked for the Pony Express. He was hollering for Rachel. Mike, the young man who had been sent to replace Kid, went to get her from the bunkhouse.

"What is all the fuss about, Kid?"

"It's Josie," he said still out of breath, "You have to come quick. The baby's coming!"

The entire station flew into a flurry of activity. Mike agreed to stay there and fill Dan in on the situation when he got back. They would hold down the fort allowing their new friends to be there for Kid and Josie. Ike rode off for town to fetch Teaspoon while Kid rode back off for home knowing that Rachel and the boys would be following him.

* * *

"Are you sure everything's okay in there, Teaspoon?" Kid asked for maybe the tenth time. "It's been hours and she sounds…she don't sound alright."

"Son, babies do everything in their own time. If Rachel had the slightest concern for your young lady in there or the babe, she'd've sent for the doc. Womenfolk have babies every day. Maybe you should go outside and walk around a bit…get some air."

Kid shook his head resolutely.

"I can't leave her," he said, "She doesn't get a break from this, I can't either."

It was maybe half to three-quarters of an hour later when Josie's cries stopped and cries of a different sort sounded through the small house. The boys looked around at each other and then offered smiles to Kid. Rachel came out with a beaming smile on her face and nodded Kid in the direction of the bedroom.

The young men remaining in the room wanted to bombard Rachel with questions but the look she shot all of them demanded patience. It wasn't something any of them were good at but they kept quiet.

A few minutes later Kid came back out. He frowned looking around the room and then headed to the porch. There Cody sat all alone. Kid understood. Cody was still not over losing the idea of the life Kid had. He couldn't join in the family's jubilation over the birth but he still cared for the baby and even to an extent for Josie. He could not be far away.

Kid crossed to his friend. They had once been as brothers and he missed that. Perhaps someday they would again. Perhaps even this day.

"Cody," Kid said drawing the other man's attention to him.

"They alright?" Cody asked.

"Yeah, they're fine. She asked for you."

"I can't," Cody replied shaking his head, "I needed to know they were okay but I can't go in. I can't have stuck in my face all that could've been mine if…"

He didn't want to finish the thought. If what? If he was a better man? A better husband? If he could be loved? If he could truly love? It didn't matter. She wasn't his and on some level she, and the baby, never really had been.

"Please," Kid implored. He said nothing more but Cody raised his eyes to his friend's. He was begging, pleading. It was important. Maybe…maybe if he could do this one thing. Maybe he'd have his brother back. It wasn't that simple, he knew but maybe he needed to make this step for it to start. Maybe this could be the start of him forgiving Kid and Josie. He didn't hold anything against them really but his hurt was real no matter how much he told himself he, as well as they, were better off the way things had gone.

Cody stood and went into the small house and down the hall to the bedroom. He almost turned away without going in. Josie sat there on the bed, her hair around her shoulders, singing to a tiny bundle in her arms. It was a beautiful and nearly sacred moment and he felt wrong to interrupt. This wasn't his moment to be part of. Kid should be the one here bonding with his child with her. But he couldn't go back out and say that he hadn't done what he'd agreed to. So he softly knocked on the door jamb. Josie looked up with tears standing in her eyes.

"Bill," she said in relief, "I was afraid you wouldn't come. Please, come in and sit."

She nodded to the bed and he sat lightly on the edge.

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"A boy," she answered proudly, "Your nephew. William Cody Wiltshire. I told you I wanted to name the baby William if it was a boy."

"But that was when…things changed, Josie."

"No they didn't. William is a fine name and if he grows to be half the good and noble man his Uncle Bill is then I'd be happy."

Cody was too choked up by her words to even speak or try to decline when she held the infant to him. It would still take time for him to move completely forward knowing how close he came to this being his but then he always knew in some part of himself that this wasn't meant to be his. There was something else, someone else out there meant for him.

The tiny bundle was warm in his arms. He'd never held a child so small and felt intimidated by the tininess of the child. At last he found his voice.

"With folks like the ones raising him up, he'll be a good man. I don't think you even need to worry on it."

Looking down he met the child's wide blue eyes and something in him melted while deeper inside him things were healing, wounds knitting together.

"Hey there, little guy…guess we ought to call you by your name. William's awful formal, I should know. And Bill's what your ma calls me so that could get confusing. Now Willie might work."

He lifted his head and looked to Josie who nodded with the hint of a smile.

"Willie…yeah that works. My mama used to call me Willie. I tell you Willie, you and me are going to have us some good times. Just wait until we can go fishing together and I can teach you to shoot a rifle. Ask your pa sometime, I'm about the best at that you're likely to find. And when you're old enough I'll teach you all there is to know about girls."

His fingers stroked over the fine red hair on the child's head.

"You ever need anything, anything at all, you just get word and your old Uncle Bill will be right here. You remember that now."

He handed little Willie back to his mother and paused a moment to touch her face.

"Sam goes for you and whatever I'm supposed to call that man of yours. We're family. Even when we're mad each other or acting ugly, we're family."

Kid stood just outside the doorway. He hadn't been there for the whole exchange but he had heard Cody's words to the child and to Josie. He could not stop the tears and when Cody emerged from the room he could not stop himself from pulling his brother into a hug.

The two men parted and Kid went into take his son from Josie's arms and bring him out to meet the rest of the family, those who would be there no matter what.

* * *

**This is the last chapter. There is an epilogue to come. And from that epilogue there is a shorter story explaining part of the epilogue (I'll be clearer when I get the epilogue done) and then Myrtle will eventually pen the sequel. That is not for me. I frankly need to get far away from this story. I'll expound more on that another time. This has taken a lot out of me. Love it or hate it, I don't even care anymore. I'm just played out. I'll be back soon with the final installment, the epilogue. Then I guess the people who hate me will have to hate on a different story.-J**


	27. Chapter 27

Epilogue:

"You sure you don't mind, Benny?" Josie asked yet again. It wasn't uncommon for her to go for a ride on her own while he minded the little ones but he was still getting settled with the new one and four, it seemed, was much different than three.

"Go," he said smiling, "You need to get away for a bit. We'll be fine. I'll manage to keep them under some kind of control without anyone burning the place down."

Josie nodded and headed toward the door. But his hand on her arm stopped her.

"You think you get away without giving me a kiss?"

She widened her smile and kissed him deeply and then the forehead of their newest addition who was snuggled in his arms.

"You know where you're riding to today?" he asked as she pulled a jacket on. She shook her head. Sometimes she had a plan and sometimes she did not. Sometimes she got home and told him all about her ride and sometimes she kept it to herself telling him only the barest of facts. She had always loved riding and this was her time. He was always happy to give it to her.

"Well, could you take Katy? I haven't ridden her in too long. I think she's feeling a little neglected."

A short while later and Josie was off, the wind almost chilly as it flapped her lone braid around. These rides were where she could contemplate things, all sorts of things. Sometimes it wasn't anymore than thinking about what to fix for supper but sometimes it was thinking through bigger things. When she had gotten word that her brother Larry had died in the war, she had needed a ride to think how she felt about that. Her father had written back, poorly, after she wrote about her wedding and Willie's birth. His words had not been kind and he had no interest in seeing his grandson. She still kept the secret of Willie's true parentage but it wasn't important. Benny was his Pa and he looked nothing like Mr. Howell. In fact, Willie was a smaller and boy version of Josie herself right down to the spray of freckles across his little nose.

When Josie's pa passed on, a rather long ride was needed. She couldn't find a kind word for him or how he treated her or her ma or really even her brothers but still it hurt to lose him. A short while after that, her remaining brothers, Clem and Zeke wrote that they wanted to come and see her. She did a lot of riding and talking to Benny before even writing back. And then while she waited for them to get there she fretted even more. It had been good though. They were different out from under her father's thumb. They no longer drank to excess and they were very sweet to her, complimenting her even and going on and on to Benny about how lucky he was to have her. She thought, although none of them or Benny himself would confirm it, that they had even told him to watch himself because if he didn't take care of her right that they'd come after him. It was really rather sweet.

Today she really didn't have those kinds of things weighing on her. She just needed to get away. Willie was five now and Melissa just turned four. Little Jed was almost two and the new one only a few months. She loved every day and every moment with them but discovered she could love them better if she occasionally got a break from them. Thankfully Benny never balked when she said she wanted to go for a ride on her own.

Today was a day to just think about everything. Everything that had happened in just a few years. It was hard to think how little time had passed and so much had changed. As she rode she saw some flowers newly blooming and stopped to pick some and then she knew where she had to ride to.

Pulling up on the reins, Josie hopped down from Katy's back and walked to the marker. It wasn't alone there but it was the only one that mattered at that point. Bending she laid the flowers gently at the base of the wooden cross that read simply 'Louise McCloud'. Then she looked around. No one was near and she knew no one would be. She sat down next to the grave and took a deep breath.

"It's been a real long time, Lou," she said softly less to the grave than the spirit of the woman whose body rested there. "I thought lots of times about coming here but frankly I was still a little scared of you. I know that's silly but I been called worse than that. I guess since our little Louise was born I felt I needed to. Yeah, that's the new one. We didn't even think about it, it just was the right name for her. Louise Emma. I never met Emma but the way Benny talks about her, well, she must be awful special."

Josie looked up to the sun which was warm on her skin when the wind eased up enough to feel it.

"I wanted to talk to you. I mean, I guess it ain't the same now you can't say nothing back. I am sorry for lots of things. I didn't know no different. That ain't much of an excuse but it's all I got and it is true. Thought you'd want to know how everyone's doing though. I know you loved 'em all. I try to look after 'em maybe like you would've. I love 'em all too. Anyway, me and Benny are doing just fine. He works hard but then I guess we both do. Lord knows there's enough work to keep us busy from morning to night. And then there's the young 'uns. We named the one I was expecting William. We call him Willie but I think at school he's taken to having his friends call by his middle name, Cody. Said some of the kids made fun of Willie Wiltshire…we probably should've thought that out better. Told him either way his Uncle Bill would be proud. Melissa came next and she looks just like Benny. She's turning into such a little lady too. Likes to bake and wants me to teach her to sew even though her little fingers can barely handle the needle yet. Jed came along a couple years ago. If you shrunk Benny down you'd have Jed…follows his pa everywhere too. And then just a couple months ago our little Louise joined us. She's beautiful and she's got a temper too. Benny says she reminds him of you. Maybe it's in the name."

Josie took a breath and a drink from the canteen she'd brought.

"Guess you'd want to know about the rest of the boys too. Well before I tell you all that, I should tell you about Teaspoon. He up and proposed to Rachel one day. It was a while past when we got married and they'd moved on to Rock Creek. Oh, I should tell you…I can't believe this wasn't the first thing I told you. Right after Willie was born, Teaspoon took Rachel to the orphanage to see about your brother and sister. Well, they wanted to get them out but wasn't sure they could. Turns out they could as long as Rachel agreed to raise 'em and Teaspoon agreed to sort of see to them too. So when he did propose and she said yes…well, I guess Jeremiah and Theresa got a ma and pa now. I know it ain't how you planned it but they're happy and being raised right and good.

"Um…Jimmy never made the move to Rock Creek with the others. He left. Said he'd met some woman on a run once and knew in his heart he loved her. Said he thought he was doing right when he left Alice but after everything that happened with us and Bill and then what happened to you, he knew it wasn't right at all. If he loved her he needed to tell her and it needed to be her choice. So he went to live with them Peacemaker people for a while. I guess they eventually decided that they didn't need to live there to have those things in their hearts so they came and bought the place next to me and Benny. They got a passel of girls. Go ahead and laugh because it's kind of funny watching Jimmy Hickok in the middle of all those skirts and braids. I think Alice feels bad she ain't had a son yet but honestly, I don't think he'd trade a one of his girls for nothing. No one ever talks about Wild Bill anymore. He's just Jimmy. He's a farmer and he's got a wife and some kids. That's all. It's nice.

"Noah, Bill, Ike and Buck all went when the company relocated them to Rock Creek. It turned out a good place for them all. Noah met this real nice girl named Cassie. She was free and raising her little brother. Oh it was something close to love at first sight for those two. I tell you, I don't know how one ever existed without the other. They spent a lot of time getting people to freedom. Probably made more risky choices than you ever did but somehow they came through it alright. Just heard she's expecting now. Noah must be proud. Guess he wasn't born to hang after all. Or maybe we can change things like that. I don't know."

Josie took another drink. She was talking more today than she did most and that was saying something with four children to keep tabs on.

"Ike fell for this girl name of Emily. Her pa was in real trouble when they met and he got killed…her pa, I mean. She was all set to go after the man what done it but Ike stopped her. He made her see that what they had was too special to risk. I know it was hard for her because the law couldn't get nothing on the killer. She had to let it go but he was right. Love's pretty special. I've seen 'em together and if anything had happened to her, he might've just laid right down and died. They got a couple little ones too. He and Buck started themselves a horse ranch when the Pony Express ended. You know the telegraph lines and all. Buck seemed lost for a while. It was so hard for him to see almost all his brothers finding love and families and he didn't have those things. Broke my heart too.

"Anyway, he met this girl name of Esmeralda. I think she used to dance in a saloon. But you wouldn't know that unless someone told you. She's just sweet as pie. Her ma was Mexican so she don't care none about his skin so long as he don't care about hers. You should see their babies, Lou. They are the cutest with their black hair and dark eyes. He's so happy.

"Then there's Bill. He was in the Army for a while and we worried something fierce for him but he came out safe. Then he got the idea to start up a show. Calls it a Wild West Show. Lets people see what the west is like. He's got Indians and sharpshooters and trick riders. He's said more'n once he wishes you was still around so that you could come work for him, says you'd be the best rider next to Liza. Oh yeah, Liza. She's pretty and wild and he loves her like he ain't never loved no one or nothing before in his life. She loves him too, I can tell. He once told me he was worried for all the attention she gets and I told him not to fret none. Liza'd die before she ever looked at another man like she looks at Bill. He keeps trying to marry her but she says no. I worry a bit about that. He says it's alright and you can't expect to rope the wild wind or some such thing…you know how he is. But I wish he could have a wife and some little ones. You should see how he spoils his nieces and nephews. It's like he was made to be a pa and it ain't likely to happen as long as Liza puts off taking his ring. I think he's mostly happy though."

Josie stood and dusted off her behind.

"I should get heading back. Benny ain't used to all four to once yet and if Louise starts crying he ain't going to know what to do what with the others always needing something too. 'Sides I need to start getting some supper ready for that bunch."

Mounting up, Josie took one last look at the grave and knew she'd have to ride back more often. There was so much to tell. Maybe she'd bring the children out too. They needed to understand more of who their Aunt Lou was, the wonderful and strong woman she was.

Arriving home, she first saw to Katy and then headed into the wonderful chaos of their home. Benny had actually gotten Louise down for her nap and gotten Willie and Melissa to entertain Jed long enough to start supper to cook. When Josie walked in he went to her and wrapped her in his arms twirling her around and dancing to a tune only they heard. Soon the three oldest of their children were dancing around them and laughing.

They didn't know it yet but in time a letter would reach them. A letter that would set to rights something that had nagged at them a while.

"_Dear Kid and Josie,_

_Oh, the news I have for you two. You'd better sit down for this—especially you, Kid. You're like a little old lady clutching at your pearls sometimes. I know I said that even I couldn't rope the wild wind that is my Liza. I honestly believed it too. I really thought I'd never get her to the altar but things have been shifting a while now and then just the other day she told me she's expecting. She ain't far gone or nothing but she can't work no more. I mean I know it don't matter. Even if her pa wasn't rich, I'd take care of her. But the point really is her pa. He's coming. I ask her nearly every day and I think if I don't get her to say yes by the time he gets here, there's going to be another shotgun in my future. Just wondering whose back it'll be in. I'll keep you posted._

_All my love to the both of you and that rabble you call your children._

_Wm. F. Cody."_

The End…?

* * *

**So this is really the end of this story. I think now you understand about a possible sequel. Myrtle has been contemplating Cody and Liza for a little while now. I will soon be writing a story about how Buck met Esmeralda. **

**I apologize for the tone of the last few author's notes. This story has done a number on me. It has taken over nearly every facet of my life and has gotten more personal than I ever intended it to. There is more of me in this story than I ever have allowed before. It is a vulnerable feeling and I think left me more prone to defensiveness than usual. If you are wondering, I have deleted all the reviews I felt were unfair and/or left me no recourse. As I have said before I welcome the chance to discuss this or any other story I am writing. It makes me better and that is important to me. But to just call me cruel or even take anger out on poor Willie without allowing any response...that's just not right. **

**Nanowrimo started and some of you know what that means and some don't...I should be writing a new story now. I won't be. I know I can be a very prolific writer so I'm not entirely fretting it but I won't be writing at all for a little while. I know there might still be some out there who think I write things like this cackling madly at the carnage...I do not. I cry through my stories, yell at the characters, second guess and rethink and then cry some more. This story took more from me than any other I have written and I just can't. Writing used to be fun and right now it is not. It is a chore for which I will be chastised and I need a break. **

**I don't know how long the break will be. I guess until my muse and I can handle being in the same room together. In the meantime, those who think I am the devil incarnate are welcome to peruse my earlier writings and send me ugly anonymous reviews about how terrible my character development was then. Really...oh yeah and the stilted dialogue of my stories when I still wrote Criminal Minds. I'll even agree with you. Maybe you'd like to analyze every death I have written and see how often I am just mean. Like I said, I need a break. And I deleted the mean reviews that were just mean for the sake of it...if your review is sitting there, you did not offend me, nor were you just mean for the sake of it. We don't have to agree on every stinking thing or anything like that. **

**And with that, I shall leave. I would love to say that this vacation from writing might include a sunny beach and a hunky cabana boy bringing me fruity alcoholic beverages. But alas it does not. Though I might read a book...or watch a chick flick...or give myself a mani/pedi. Things I don't often do. Until we meet again, dear readers, Ride Safe!-J**

**PS I would be horribly remiss if I did not thank Myrtle. She keeps me as sane as I get and keeps me honest when I sometimes want to take the easy way out. Myrtle, my dear, you are a precious jewel of a friend. Somehow you always just know when I need to hear that I am still shiny and good and stuff. Everything I write is better because of you...and usually my days are too. And to the women at the plus...you are some of the most amazing women I know. Thank you all for the strength you lend me. Okay...time to read or sleep or something good for me.**


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